Silvano Tomasi, paedophilia in the Catholic church, and yet again Christopher Hitchen's thesis that religion poisons everything is proven

(Above: Archbishop Silvano Tomasi).

Following the arrival of the first pope of the un-united church of anti-theists in the antipodes - one Christopher Hitchens - it's surely not too late to illustrate the correctness of his thesis that religion poisons everything, by digging up the only recently interred bizarre Roman Catholic response to its ongoing paedophilia crisis.

You can read it here at The Guardian under the header Sex abuse rife in other religions, says Vatican, and while we're a week late to the scene of the crime, at least we can be content that certain kinds of loonacy are timeless. Here's the opener:

The Vatican has lashed out at criticism over its handling of its paedophilia crisis by saying the Catholic church was "busy cleaning its own house" and that the problems with clerical sex abuse in other churches were as big, if not bigger.

In a defiant and provocative statement, issued following a meeting of the UN human rights council in Geneva, the Holy See said the majority of Catholic clergy who committed such acts were not paedophiles but homosexuals attracted to sex with adolescent males.

Yep, not content with smearing other religions, the Catholics trot out an old smear against homosexuality, whereby homosexuals are almost by definition the real cause of paedophilia, and by performing the usual counting the angels on a pin trick by changing definitions (with law enforcement agencies generally using paedophilia as a term referring to child sexual abuse of prepubescent children and adolescent minors younger than the age of consent - wiki the term here).

Logically, I guess this means that heterosexuality is the cause of sex crimes against underage girls.

Damn, so that's the explanation for Roman Polanski's crime. He was a heterosexual, naturally attracted to sex with an adolescent girl, the use of drugs and alcohol just a damnable by-product of his perverted heterosexuality.

If it weren't so shamelessly vile, it'd be laughable. But hey ho, nonny no, on we go:

The statement, read out by Archbishop Silvano Tomasi, the Vatican's permanent observer to the UN, defended its record by claiming that "available research" showed that only 1.5%-5% of Catholic clergy were involved in child sex abuse.

Um, so you mean in a school with twenty Catholic clergy, one is likely to be getting amongst the youngsters? Or put it another way, if there's say 1.5 million Catholic clergy in the world and "only" 1.5% are involved in child sex abuse, then that means there's "only" 22,500 sex predators at work in the church.

Well that's a huge relief, for a moment there I thought it might be a serious problem requiring serious attention, and perhaps even serious reflection. How else can my mind be eased?

He also quoted statistics from the Christian Scientist Monitor newspaper to show that most US churches being hit by child sex abuse allegations were Protestant and that sexual abuse within Jewish communities was common.

Why that's an even huger relief. You mean the Protestants and the Jews are just as bad? What a tremendously good result for religion all round then, knowing that they're all as bad, mad and dangerous as each other.

Can it get better than this? Of course it can:

He added that sexual abuse was far more likely to be committed by family members, babysitters, friends, relatives or neighbours, and male children were quite often guilty of sexual molestation of other children.

Yep, it's not the church, not when you can blame the family, baby sitters and anyone else passing the front of the family home.

Like the family priest? No, no, sure they might be setting an example on how to behave, but the church always makes clear you should practise what they preach, not do as they do. They prefer to lead by words, rather than example. And if none of that satisfies you, remember it's really all the fault of the poofters:

The statement said that rather than paedophilia, it would "be more correct" to speak of ephebophilia, a homosexual attraction to adolescent males.

"Of all priests involved in the abuses, 80 to 90% belong to this sexual orientation minority which is sexually engaged with adolescent boys between the ages of 11 and 17."

Well even if this vile misrepresentation were true, it rather begs the question as to why the church houses so many homosexuals, given their ostensible disdain for homosexuality. But that would be to dignify the vile nonsense on its own misrepresentational terms. Let's instead go back to blaming the other churches in their laxity:

The statement concluded: "As the Catholic church has been busy cleaning its own house, it would be good if other institutions and authorities, where the major part of abuses are reported, could do the same and inform the media about it."

Why am I reminded of childhood arguments about who had their hand in the cooky jar? Surely this is as childish as it gets, beyond the nah nah level to a kind of petulant defiance worthy of a ten year old. And what prompted this peculiar poking out of the clerical tongue?

The Holy See launched its counter–attack after an international representative of the International Humanist and Ethical Union, Keith Porteous Wood, accused it of covering up child abuse and being in breach of several articles under the Convention on the Rights of the Child.

Porteous Wood said the Holy See had not contradicted any of his accusations. "The many thousands of victims of abuse deserve the international community to hold the Vatican to account, something it has been unwilling to do, so far. Both states and children's organisations must unite to pressurise the Vatican to open its files, change its procedures worldwide, and report suspected abusers to civil authorities."

Funnily enough other churches weren't too impressed by the Vatican's attempts to drag them into sharing the guilt and the blame, perhaps not understanding that once you've been to confession, done your penance, had a wafer and cleansed yourself, you're free to go off and sin again:

Representatives from other religions were dismayed by the Holy See's attempts to distance itself from controversy by pointing the finger at other faiths.

Rabbi Joseph Potasnik, head of the New York Board of Rabbis, said: "Comparative tragedy is a dangerous path on which to travel. All of us need to look within our own communities. Child abuse is sinful and shameful and we must expel them immediately from our midst."

A spokesman for the US Episcopal Church said measures for the prevention of sexual misconduct and the safeguarding of children had been in place for years.

The reality is, the Roman Catholic church has been hardest hit by the paedophilia/sex abuse scandals of recent times, and attempts to palm off the blame on other churches, the family or homosexuals is beyond pathetic. According to The Guardian's report, the church has had to fork out more than $2bn (£1.25bn) in compensation to victims.

As for the Ryan Report, it's detailings of beatings and humiliations doled out by nuns and priests reminded me of my splendid days suffering under the yolk of embittered Dominicans, more than a few of whom had imported Irish ways to the antipodes.

You can read the Ryan Report by going here - but beware it's sombre depressing reading - and if you think The Guardian in its jolly leftie pinko pervert way is doing an April Fool's joke a little early, why not trot off to see the coverage within CathNews here.

My own suspicion? Somehow Christopher Hitchens has planted a mole in the Vatican, and he or she has been devising press releases, so that clowns like Tomasi can prove Hitchen's thesis - religion does indeed poison everything. QED.

And now an assortment of antique newspaper cartoons, from way back in 2003, proving that the more things change, the more they stay the same. Hey, nothing like a little light American anti-clerical humor for a quiet football fever Sunday.