In which the pond discovers the best cure is the reptiles boring the virus to death ...

The pond was keen to set the right reptile tone before settling down to read the latest missive from the IPA, aka Gina's mob, aka Dame Slap from planet Janet … and sure enough, Dame Slap had discovered a deep and abiding concern for the youff of the day, though amazingly, their pre-virus days on New Start never seemed to be of any concern ...

Before the pond had even got started, the Dame's opening line immediately sent the pond off in search of a cartoon …

Too soon for a cartoon? Too soon for Mike Pence? Well it all depends on your IPA taste … some might say it's always too soon for a sweet-smelling whiff of Dame Slap ..

Oh it's a classic Dame Slap, that's what it is, the IPA with its strong focus on young people and its deep care about the fate of casuals and no doubt the impact of the gig economy and the suffering of the poor.

Those with time on their hands could waste it by trawling through Dame Slap's ancient history to find references to indolent and useless youff, but please, be fair, the good Dame has always had a soft spot for stimulating young 'uns …

Sheesh, that tweet is a tad hard to find these days, but the pond can't imagine why. Look at Dame Slap, in young company, hip and swinging … but now back to the official organ of the IPA, the lizard Oz, busy offering a platform for its chair ...

The dignity of work?

It's clear that the IPA and Dame Slap have never done a day's manual labour in their life, nor are they ever likely to, it being the business of those with legal training to develop a burdensome set of bone spurs … before ordering others out to celebrate the dignity of work …

Dame Slap does her best to keep her tongue in cheek, but then she has to give the game away, by explaining the best way to employ the young is by setting up the circumstances whereby they might be ripped off … as if we haven't already moved well down that path, with certain sectors stripped of all rights and entitlements …

The pond sees them every day in Newtown, out and about, scraping for a living, sick pay and super a mere dream in the distance …

But now it's back for a last gobbet of IPA propaganda from the reptiles at the lizard Oz, mouthpiece for the comfortably rich ...

What, still no mention in the visible section of the potted bio that she's an IPA flunkey, and that there might be a little conflict of interest in being a propagandist and a columnist?

It leaves the pond with only one response.

Oh just fuck off with that blather that suggests that the IPA is a pro-youth gathering in love with jobs and entrepreneurship … we know what you really mean, being a lickspittle lackey spokesperson for Gina's mob …

Besides, the pond has a bigger mission, and that's to bore the bejaysus out of anyone unaware of "Ned's" notorious capacity to drive anyone mental enough to head out into the fields to do some strawberry-picking, with or without Dame Slap for company …

First an ironic juxtaposition ...

But what about "Ned's" long and extensive record of politically partisan columns, which would be controversial if they didn't lull people to sleep? 

See how at the top of the page there's a hagiographic snap of the fearless leader, to whom all reptiles and "Ned" owe allegiance ...

The pond makes no apologies. It's got to be done, and it's no worse than doing a little thistle-chipping up in the back paddock with Dame Slap, or perhaps being anaesthetised upon a table, as a fog settles around the mind ...

Phew, it's come to a pretty pass when "Ned" must defend Scotty from marketing against the populist right, which is to say the likes of Dame Slap and the dog botherer … and even hint that the Donald might be out of his tree …when really he's just a playful puppy ...

Okay, the pond freely admits it went the cartoon early, when there are many gobbets to go, and words like leaves to be trodden black, so dark the pond always doubts if it will ever come back ...

It has to be said that "Ned" is good at hagiography, and like most, he manages to forget the early days …

That was in the Daily Snail, a paper the pond usually refuses to visit, on 13th March, which seems like an eternity ago, and when the only advisories out there were not to shake hands and be cautious with kissing …

It seems like aeons ago, and SloMo andy his mob were only prompted into more urgent action by the steps taken by a couple of the bigger states … 

But never mind, the fog is enveloping the pond as "Ned" natters on … with grave remarks about the astonishing decision-making process of great minds ...

Moral? Never give a Kiwi an even break, because of the funny way they say fush and chups … and let's ignore the way that the lizard Oz pack of IPA flunkies, doing a Fox News down under, have been howling for restrictions to be limited … 

Let's instead slip in a suggestion that it was the ABC, and that dreadful Norman Swan, that stopped SloMo heading off to watch the Sharkies ...

The core lesson cannot be avoided. Once in the "Ned" vortex, there is no way out … it is simply necessary to plough on, with not even a cartoon to help … because d'oh, if the world's economy is in trouble, then who the fuck gives a stuff about running out and stocking up on goods from Ikea? 

It's not like you can't buy a jigsaw puzzle for half the price of trying to put together an Ikea bookshelf …and have the same endless hours of amusement, or perhaps a domestic ...

Only three pillars of self-congratulation?

The pond always thought it was seven …

… but the good news is that this is the seventh and last gobbet of "Ned", and enough is more than enough ...

And so is history rewritten by the reptiles …

Please pardon the pond if it does a flashback to the 15th March, and the wretched ABC …

The 'f' word
This is why the Prime Minister's insistence on Friday afternoon that he would still go to the footy the next day, as he announced he was advising against such gatherings from Monday, was such a strange look. Technically, he was acting in line with the chief medical officer's advice and there's no doubt he doesn't want to stir up too much unnecessary panic. But it appears to have misread the public mood.
Not because he considers himself to be at risk, but because some media outlets might "misinterpret" his appearance.
People are deeply worried, particularly the elderly. They are scrambling for basic information as well as toilet paper and canned goods. Is it now safe to go to the movies, to the gym, to aqua-therapy? What are the symptoms to really worry about? And how will millions of casuals pay the rent when there's no work? Newstart payments won't be enough for many.
All of these groups are likely to feel that the public information campaign, which starts this weekend, is well overdue.

Thank the long absent lord for the public health officials, the state premiers, the ABC and the mutton Dutton copping a dose, for bringing the realities a little closer to home for Scotty from marketing … and no thanks to the Murdochians.

Oh so long ago, and now on with the dog botherer, though only for gluttons for punishment … because naturally the dog botherer hasn't read a word of what "Ned" scribbled, and he's keen to do a Dame Slap and get everybody out there ...

No, the dog botherer isn't offering to get out in the field and doing it himself. He's volunteering teachers … in the Donald way …

Oh yes, it's the teachers … while the reptiles themselves stay safely bunkered down with their social distancing measures ...

Indeed, indeed … we shouldn't be afraid of a deadly threat. The dog botherer is our guide …

Of course by the same logic, the media rooms of Sky News, and News Corp generally, should return to usual work practices, with just a little more washing of the hands and a little social distancing (no masks, remember Mike Pence please), and perhaps putting "Ned" in a special room for old farts …

Why not have the dog botherer show the way? Why not liberate the Murdochians? Why don't they shame the teachers with their selfless leadership?

Donald Trump has done better? But we all know the reason for that. It was the sound medical cures he offered the citizenry …

Well, there's more TT here, and the pond thanks the dog botherer for the opportunity to celebrate the infinite wisdom of the Donald, but now we're winding down the reptile virus coverage for the day...

Oh it's a tragedy when the dog botherer starts to quote himself.

Shouldn't he be off with SloMo at the footy? Or perhaps he should take in a dose of satire …

And so to a final word ...

Lordy, lordy, is it still not clear? 

Getting the editorial offices of the Murdochians back to usual work practices would be by far the best start of all. 

Who knows how many of the old farts who run around inside might still manage to catch a dose? Not that the pond wishes them ill, just the amount of ill that they've routinely wished on and offered to, others …thanks to their many efforts around  the world, including, but not limited to, Fox News ...

And that's the reptile virus news done for the day. Thank the long absent lord the pond can turn to prattling Polonius for a Sunday meditation …

Meanwhile, on another planet …

In which prime Angus beef goes on show and our Henry meanders down louse lane ...

The lizard Oz outdid itself this day, with this awesome juxtaposition at the top of the digital page …

Never mind that back in the day European colonials introduced diseases all over the world that did considerable damage to indigenous populations (''damage" is reptile speak for mass deaths) … instead just marvel at the cartoon ...

All thoughts of the cult master Lobbecke were swept from the pond's mind, by the way that the Leak hadn't leaked that far from the old tree, and the entranced pond was transported back to the good old days of The Bulletin in 1895 ...

The pond wondered if, in these troubled times, the reptiles gathered in the parlour around the upright piano, and with one hand caressing the aspidistra on the what not, joined in a jolly family song ...

But enough of the good old days … let us now turn to the meat for the day, and is there any better meat than that supplied by Angus "pure beef mince" Taylor?

Contributor? The pond had thought he was actually a taxpayer-funded MP, who was supposed to contribute his thoughts directly to the Australian people, rather than hide behind a reptile paywall, but given the way he's been out and about of late, perhaps it's understandable why he'd prefer to lurk in Murdochian HQ, where nary a cross word will be said to him, and certainly not of the kind to be found in the Graudian and Nine ...

Frankly the pond couldn't imagine beefy Angus delivering a boo to a goose, let alone energy security ...

Yes, yes, no doubt it's a great idea to buy oil cheap and then store it at vast ongoing expense on American soil, but what about those other matters, including that one here? You know, the splitting of the hairs on the cow ...

In the old days, there might have been jokes about Angus being economical with the truth, but the pond prefers an even older approach. 

When confronted with an egregious bald-faced liar, why not say so? But please, let us enjoy your splendid plans and incisive thinking, as detailed here …

Humble apologies, the pond had intended to run another gobbet of distilled minced beef ...

Why not just stick to dinkum clean Oz coal, old chum? Buy cheap and then pay a motza for storage far across the ocean? Why you'd make more sense pretending an invisible document had all the reality of Santa Clause ...

But is it possible to leave the preening, boasting pure Angus beef there? Surely not, surely we should visit the Graudian here …with the bureaucrats finally failing in their heroic mission to prevent the truth, at least partially, coming out ...

Sack him? He's about as good as they've got, the lying, mendacious fraud ...

And with all that done and dusted, the pond knows that there is an insatiable appetite for reptile fodder, and who better as a makeweight than good old Henry, ready to fix the hole in the capitalist bucket ...

Suddenly it's a 'louse'? It's a thing of which we dare not speak the name? And how about a snap of long-forgotten comrade Bill to remind us that the reptiles never forget … as our Henry travels back in time to lousy days ...

How they love Stalin and Lenin and all that … what a nice distraction it makes from the achievements of Fox News …

Never mind, our Henry has something important on his mind. Please, long absent lord, whatever you do, spare the rich. Deliver them from taxes ...

Indeed, indeed, won't someone think of the long suffering rich? Must only Henry trumpet their cause? 

They've suffered so much, and each day the pond sheds a tear at the pity of it all. Up against the entitled gig economy contractor, the humble rich do so much for the country, and are never given proper credit.

Why the next thing you know, the idle poor, the scallywags and the scumbags, will be thinking they're entitled, and don't understand the blessings showered down upon them by the Murdochians …

And so to a clever Henry variant, which will please students of the art of the billy goat butt.

Note his style in the next gobbet.

This is first to mock proposals deriving from immense old curiosity shops in a futile search for discarded treasures, but instead of using 'but', instead revert to a 'form of words', as in "to say that is not to dismiss the proposals entirely."

Frankly to say that, immediately made the pond dismiss the doddering old Henry entirely … but dammit, the pond loves a good rummage and the finding of discarded treasures in immense old curiosity shops and even Vinnies, and what fun it would be to dust off "tax the filthy rich" …

And now we really must endure the final gobbet of simplistic blather ...

Actually the pond wonders if the spread has been brought to a standstill. There's a little more to the world than Australia, or what our Henry dreams of in his limited imaginings and restricted world, and at some point, we will have to return to international travel and hotspots, and dealing with all that might be helped by the government having a little in its coffers… perhaps a tax on the rich might help this worthy cause?

And now back to the war on China and Twiggy, where the pond started this day, because the lizard Oz editorialist couldn't resist chipping in …in the usual righteous and pompous tones, when really it wanted to sound just like a Leak cartoon ...

Of course it all went pear-shaped awhile ago in relation to China…

Talk about fighting words from the deviant orientals.

How could the devious fiends treat pure clean dinkum Oz coal like that? And now the lizard Oz editorialist must step up to the plate to put them in their place...

Yes, noodle-sipping Twiggy, we know your game. Why you're just a lickspittle lackey for a foreign power, unlike the reptiles, devoted servants of an American corporation owned and run by foreigners.

Remember, we're at one with the Donald, and you, Twiggy, are a shocking man, and what an appalling suggestion about the Donald, who is doing such a fine job …

Now you, gentle reader, your dog, cat, the gatepost and the mailman might marvel at the lizard Oz telling business to stay out of politics, when the lizard Oz business is routinely in politics, and assorted reptiles over the years have explained to business how they must fund the coalition government, the IPA, and sundry other ventures … but that's part of the rich dose of irony the reptiles serve in their breakfast cereals on a daily basis, making them the pond restaurant of snap and crackle choice ...

Say what? The reptiles welcome the success of selling iron ore? And perhaps even fucking the planet with dinkum sweet pure clean Oz coal?

Oh well, never mind, the pond really didn't expect the reptiles to take on the Chinese in any meaningful way, not when they can mouth platitudes and keep on with the selling. They really are just sluts,  who will flog their coal and iron ore and gas to anyone with a good line of credit ...

But what's that about standing for parliament?

He should do a Clive Palmer? Sweet long absent lord, and didn't that work out well?

But here the pond must apologise for its lack of insight and memory.

There's surely nothing like a studious businessman in charge of a large economy, and each day we can track the amazing progress made, in no small part thanks to the diligent work of the immortal Rowe, with more here …