In which the pond takes in a holyday Caterist ...

The pond thought a holyday competition might provide a little distraction in these troubled times …

Guess which rag ran which coverage during the Golden Globes? These came up at around the same time, and the angles taken are revealing ...

  

Sorry, it's not much of a competition, is it? Way too easy ...

Who but the reptiles would lead with a Greta joke, and completely obscure what Rusty was saying about climate action …

The pond doffs its lid. It takes considerable skill and relentless purification - of the kind needed to get drinkable water in bushfire areas - to ensure that not a hint of the real world enters the bubble of the Surry Hills inner city, 'leet, barista-loving reptiles above the faraway tree in their la la land …

And so to another holyday treat. When the pond retreated to its weekend coverage, alas and alack soon to resume, one of the big losses was the Caterist …

The Caterist was the pond's resident, go to expert on the movement of flood waters in quarries, and his considerable skill at attracting successful libel suits has been sorely missed.

Instead the pond has had to turn to lesser lights of the prime Angus beef kind, figures fiddler extraordinaire, and his extraordinary comedy stylings …

Last year ended badly for Taylor and 2020 isn’t starting off any better after it was discovered that the calendar he released to constituents has the wrong start and end dates for July. I’ve believed for some time that Angus Taylor’s days are numbered. Now it turns out they’re also numbered incorrectly. (here).

The pond is always up for a joke, but though the figures fiddler tries hard, is there any better joke than a Caterist in full flight?

Say what? We all need to gather around and sing a verse of how it's unfair, SloMo is all out of luck, and Trudeau gets more than his fair share, and that's the best that the lizard Oz reptiles can do?

What happened to personal responsibility, to tend your own yard, to showing leadership that might inspire the world?

Described by the IPCC as alarming?

Since when has the Caterist taken to quoting the IPCC? (here)

Yes, in the old days, the Caterist was a full-blown sceptic, code for climate science denialist, with the label offering flexibility and plausible deniability, while giving vent to the usual full-blown denialist guff.

There's a sample back in 2015 in Does climate science denialist Nick Cater know the difference between an ice sheet and sea ice?

How times have changed …but not the heart of the denialist paranoia that litters his scribbling ...

Shocking stuff, though suggesting air pollution as the primary cause of death might have come a tad late, given the impact of the Great Smog of London in 1952 …

The Great Smog of London, or Great Smog of 1952, was a severe air-pollution event that affected the British capital of London in early December 1952. A period of cold weather, combined with an anticyclone and windless conditions, collected airborne pollutants—mostly arising from the use of coal—to form a thick layer of smog over the city. It lasted from Friday 5 December to Tuesday 9 December 1952, and then dispersed quickly when the weather changed. It caused major disruption by reducing visibility and even penetrating indoor areas, far more severely than previous smog events experienced in the past, called "pea-soupers". Government medical reports in the following weeks, however, estimated that up until 8 December, 4,000 people had died as a direct result of the smog and 100,000 more were made ill by the smog's effects on the human respiratory tract. More recent research suggests that the total number of fatalities may have been considerably greater, one paper suggesting about 6,000 more died in the following months as a result of the event. (wiki here for footnotes)

Good old coal, is there anything it can't do by way of killing people?

Of course there have been many more such events - just visit Beijing or Delhi on some days to feel yourself dying - but this has taken the pond away from the Caterist's siren song …

And now - Adani be praised - coal has returned to work its magic, and so the Caterist is needed to do his usual conflations and obfuscations … but relax, the Caterist is up to the job. This is a man who can track flood waters and attract libel suits like flies ...

Indeed, indeed, when from the get go, the Caterist established that the real victim, the real sufferer of slings and arrows of outrageous misfortune was the hapless SloMo … doing his level best to dump the blame on others … (here)

The pond never for a moment thought it would ever scribble "poor old Gladys", but while SloMo fiddled and Rome burned, she was out and about, doing what politicians are supposed to do in moments of crisis.

But you can't expect decent behaviour from rats on a sinking ship … or should that be a sinking island?

And yet the Pacific islands have made offers to help, even though they're hardly the richest countries in the world. It makes the relentless whining of the Caterists all the harder to bear ...

Forgive the pond, it just loved those last lines so much, it wanted to roll them over the tongue another time …

No,  the pond won't dwell on the whine about climate science being complicated - denialism has never been complicated for the Caterists - not when it can taste this bit of prime blather on the tip of the tongue's taste buds, with a deep finish on the rear palate...

A pragmatic government, systematically reducing its emissions as fast as the technology allows, can feasibly meet its international commitments with more honour than most. But if the Prime Minister thinks it will win him the keys to Cobargo, he should forget it.

Oh heck, forgive the pond, it's up there with talk of the movements of flood waters in quarries …

A pragmatic government, systematically reducing its emissions as fast as the technology allows …

All that doubt, scepticism and denialism swept away and reduced to ash in an instant.

And yet … and yet … there are some who stay true to the Caterist course …who don't retreat, but go boldly and bravely into the world, to espouse the old Caterist truths … (children, avoid repeating this experiment, even in your room at home) ...

When a complete prat like Piers Morgan can turn you into a car crash, maybe you should give up driving …

Has there ever been such a craven retreat by so many in such a short time? Is Craig Kelly the only one to remember the old reptile talking points? How soon before the Caterists can forget their talk of pragmatic governments, and their attempt to do a Gladys on Justin, and usual programming will return?

No doubt it will all become clear as soon as those who have suffered can be decently ignored, so that things can get back to normal ...

Meanwhile, on another planet, and in a country run by the denialist in chief …

In which the reptiles send in an old duffer from Dad's Army to help out SloMo ...

With memes roaring through the air like an ember attack, it was time for the reptiles to stand up and celebrate ScoMo at the helm …

The digital edition this early Monday morning led in the same way, with much talk of stumping (almost to the point of dry humping), but hang on, hang on, what's this?

Simple Simon having a few sharp words? Why that's a bit like Tucker Carlston  turning on the Donald over that assassination matter …

Dear sweet long absent lord, for a moment there, the pond had a feeling that it had clicked on the wrong link, and ended up at the Graudian …

Well yes, but in these Trumpian times, bizarre acts of self-love are the new norm.

Never mind, back to that heretic in the lizard Oz, doing his heretical thing ...

Abundant evidence? 

Say what? The pond has been a devoted follower of the reptiles of the lizard Oz, and has never seen any evidence, let alone abundant, that the climate might be turning a shade grimmer, that these events will increase in intensity and frequency …

Of course the infallible Pope on his Twitter account dug back through the years, to 2010 and 2011, and found a few portents and signs of things to come …

But the reptiles, and Liberal politicians? Nah, not really. Everything has been hunky dory for yonks. All's been well, climate science is a mere hoax, a fraud, as explained by the reptiles' distinguished columnists, with nary a science degree amongst them …

There's been nothing in abundance other than dinkum clean Oz coal, oi, oi, oi …and Adani, oi, oi, oi, with the papal one celebrating the Canavan caravan of coal …

Never mind, simple Simon can see a ready solution at hand, and all will be well, if we can just resume exporting coal and improving the economy ...

As for the rest of the world? Well those brazen hussies at The Atlantic took a view, which is kind of funny given the Trumpian approach to the world the Americans are taking when it comes to climate science, or perhaps when thinking about Californian wildfires …

Desperate for a reptile to step up to the plate, the pond went in search of a local hero, ready to do battle in SloMo's cause. 

Surely the Major would return from holydays to mount a crusade, or perhaps the Oreo would explain it was all the fault of the dastardly greenies. Or the reptiles might even bring in the Caterist to sagely advise on how floods might be turned to quell the blazes, and never mind the libel suits …

Say what?

They couldn't, they wouldn't, would they? All they had was poor old 'hole in the bucket of the mind' Henry to blather on?

An old duffer, a member of Dad's Army, blathering on from his armchair about this being a chance for people to show their character? Yes, no tears if you happen to lose a loved one, or a house, no tears for the critters and the environment, stiffen your spine, forget your quibbles, show what made the British empire great …

Ah well, never mind, the pond has been there many times before …

So what would our Henry offer as consolation and inspiration? 

Say what? He didn't, did he? He couldn't, he wouldn't, surely not ...

Patrick bloody White? What on earth would the evangelicals think? Wasn't he some deviant and pervert? Wasn't he the sort that caused such terrible trouble for Folau and sent the reptiles into a tail spin of fear and loathing for many months last year?

What the hell is Patrick bloody White doing in the reptile pages? Only our Henry knows the mystical answer ...

Ah, the pond understands it now, it's just a not so clever way of avoiding climate science, showing what a pretentious twat sitting in a leather armchair has read in the past, and pointing the way to a bit of victim blaming.

It's everyone's fault for daring to live in country towns!

Thank the long absent lord that's now clear. We should all congregate in the big cities, preferably on the eastern coast, and then the rest of the country can burn as much as it likes …there are no other lessons to be learned here …

Well the pond is all for a little victim blaming and shaming, so naturally it gave Henry his head, and what a head he has … and please, remember, let's not have any talk of climate science. 

Our figures fiddler has already arranged for an enormous commitment to emissions reduction, no matter what The Atlantic or others in the world might think … remember this is a test of character, and the more you hurt, the more you deserve it, and no petulance will be tolerated ...

You know, the pond thought that Polonius had reached an all-time low with his weekend header, for sheer effrontery and smug complacency …

But the pond thinks Henry is pretty much up to speed as well, with his smugly complacent lecturing and hectoring...

Patrick White saying we should fill the land? But didn't our Henry just suggest that the problem was that we had filled the land?

At least the pond knows with some certainty that the pie-loving White (don't forget the sauce) would have loathed and despised our Henry and the way in which he's mis-used and abused his words …

But that talk of dust did remind the pond of another cartoon …

And hovering over it all was another infallible papal image …

… which somehow completed the circle, and returned the pond to the memes floating in the ether like an ember attack, an emblem perhaps of how the whole bloody lot of them, all the reptile cheerleaders, all the climate science denialists in the Liberal Nat government have waltzed down the garden path, only to discover that the path led from there to here ...

In which the pond helps stray readers who are having difficulty reading Lloydie ...

What with it being the new year and all, the pond thought there might be some newbies, some hapless millennials who stray outside the demographic, and into the lizard Oz, and not have a clue how to interact with or understand reptile cues …

Right from the get go, there's a trap for the unwary player, right at the start, with the splash. Which one to choose?

Unsurprisingly, alarming talk of a new reality and longer fire seasons and hotter, drier climates must be ruled out immediately. That sort of nonsense can only make young uns miserable, and stuff their heads with nonsense.

The pond has a simple rule: always go the Lloydie, it's the only sure and safe guide to climate science being twisted, distorted, and denied, in ways that result in immediate satisfaction.

And so the pond went the Lloydie and what Toad-like bliss and joy … oh, poop…

Now one of the preferred reptile tricks is to make sure that the photo that sets the tone for the story features some greenie weirdo, probably stoned out of their gourd on mystical nonsense and humbug … as above. Just look at here, with that Masonic eye, and the warpath paint and all the rest of it ...

It suits Lloydie down to the ground, because he's an expert in the area …

Yes, shamans, hallucinogenics and humbug are all part of Lloydie's hand-waving kumbaya skill set.

But what do all the words which will follow mean? Can they be summed up, shortened and summarised so they're as easy to swallow as a tab on a mellow summer's day?

Absolutely. Cèrtainement …

It's easy really. Much energy will be expended in the gobbets below, but it all amounts to a simple tale: it wasn't us, it was them, Angus is tops, children are terrified, please, just accept it's all going to be great fun and a tremendous ride, and relax and maybe pop a mushroom in the Peruvian jungle …

You see? It's all the fault of those dreadful greenies, like the one you saw up above that set the tone. Here, have the other side of that mushroom, because you see only on Friday did Jack the Insider confirm the baleful, dreadful influence of the greenies …

Shocking, terrifying stuff.

Okay, hopefully it will get easier from here on. We know who to blame, and don't worry, there's plenty more to blame, so let's get on with it ...

It goes without saying that it's all the fault of the UN, and thanks to the figures fiddler, Madrid was a tremendous success, with Australia playing a vital role in the triumph …

Australia was pushing to allow use of Kyoto Protocol units, for which it drew scathing criticism from other nations, international media and observers. It plans to meet more than half its Paris target via this accounting loophole. Brazil, India, South Korea and China also want to carry over credits earned under the Clean Development Mechanism, a trading scheme under Kyoto. (here)

What a great figures fiddler he is … airfares, wind farms, climate numbers, can anything stop his genius?

Naturally Lloydie wanted to regurgitate every precious word and insight the figures fiddler had recently scribbled for the reptiles. Remember, millennials, repetition is the only way it can get through your thick skulls ...

Of course, of course, how could the pond overlook all those terrible countries? For that matter, how could the pond overlook our prime beef Angus, who has been herding the truth for many years now?

That was back in June 2013 here, and for more on the figures fiddler's obsession with wind, take a wundy Wullington walk here …

And now to another preferred Lloydie source …

And so on and so forth.

There's links here, but we must plough on with Lloydie ...

Indeed, indeed, magical thinking … why it sounds like a shaman getting high on hallucinogenics in the Peruvian jungle.

And now for a tedious bit, perforce involving statistics to prove that Lloydie is a shaman of the first order, and everything is in great shape, and we're doing our bit, and for the sake of the long absent lord, please don't mention that our figures fiddler is inclined to do some figures fiddling ...

Ah, Adani be praised, the old 1.3 per cent routine. It never gets old, and the figures fiddler never tires of repeating it, and the reptiles never tire when reporting it, and where's the harm in shipping out dinkum clean Oz coal, oi, oi, oi, and then blaming others for the audacity of using it, and so ruining the world.

Our hands are clean and pure …

And so to a genuinely terrifying email, which for some reason didn't come from a youngster sheltering on the beach at Mallacoota in recent days ...

Don't worry young un, the pond has a cartoon to hand that explains everything …

You see, children, share a bit of Alice's mushroom in the Peruvian jungle, have a shamanistic fit, and you too will see the light and perhaps the odd burning koala guiding you on your way to enlightenment...

Well it's been great fun, and some song lyrics will set the right note for the final gobbet …

And don't you go messin' with Lloydie or Judith either, damn your cheeky hides ...

You can surely see the logic in this, you dimwits. Do nothing and everything will be well. Attempt to do something, and it will trigger a global backlash and make young people miserable, with much nonsense running rampant around the globe.

Why the next thing you know, these young people without any experience of the ways of the world will end up with a shaman in a Peruvian jungle, and then where will we be?

Up shit creek without a paddle or a cartoon?

Well, maybe without the paddle, but there's always a cheery Cheeryble cartoon to convey in a Beethoven-ish way, joy to the world …