In which Mr Abbott channels Sophie and the thoughts of the reptiles ...

First a survey of the blood-spattered scene:

Yes the Daily Terror's Photoshop artist scores a knockout blow, and things are looking grim for Abbott in the cage fight of life.

Is there no peace anywhere?

Uh huh. They do things differently up above the Berrimah line.

Meanwhile, the reptiles below the Berrimah line are in a state of uproar, agitation and high excitement.

Naturally there are old favourites like Akker Dakker pounding the shoe on the floor:

The pond is simply revelling in the fuss, especially as it involves one of those ethical dilemmas routinely summarised as Abbott's choice (get lost Sophie).

You see, if Abbott uses strong arm tactics and decides the call for a spill with a show of hands, and it goes in his favour, the seething resentment will be something special to see, as it foments and bubbles and then erupts.

But if Abbott allows a secret ballot, the chances are high that the vote will be close, or might go against him, and then where would he be? If it's close, it's mortally wounding; if he loses, there's the exit door, and don't slam it on the way to the sulking room.

It's so sweet, it's so delicious, and for all the talk of strong government and not emulating the Labor party, that's way too late. It's already happened. Just look at the Daily Terror front page, the only one with the decency to break out the Photoshop and treat the ruckus the way the entire Murdoch press treated the Labor party ructions.

Look at the way the reptiles at the lizard Oz have attempted to handle the affair. With utmost discretion. A determined, heroic-looking and defiant PM, a prattish-lookin, smirking Turnbull and an unseemly, trout-mouthed zinger Bill:

There were the usual attempts to blacken the revolutionaries:

Uh huh.

But what does this prove?

(a) that the current Liberal party is full of barking mad, offensive right wing types of the fundamentalist kind.

(b) that there's bugger all difference between Randall making a cheap gay joke, and Abbott trampling all over gay marriage rights. What's the more offensive and damaging?

(c) that there's bugger all difference between Simpkins making bizarre comments about Halal, and Abbott using security and Islamic fundamentalists as a way of invading privacy and shoring up his power in the most offensive scare mongering way. What's the more damaging?

(d) So it's news that even barking mad conservatives have had a gutful of Abbott?

That's the trouble when you try on bitchiness and being a journo with very little brains but a lot of kool aid in the system, can't imagine where the thinking might lead ...

You mean even barking mad conservatives might prefer Turnbull to Abbott? How rich is that message? Even climate denialist Jensenist - here have a can of coke with bonus carbon dioxide - would rather have Turnbull than Abbott? How bizarre is that?

Meanwhile, every reptile at the lizard Oz worth his (few hers) salt was out and about offering their tuppenceworth:

It was a feast of reptiles:

The pond didn't know where to start. There was Paul Kelly banging away in crisis mode about how the entire world was falling about because a generally reviled politician was in trouble, Shanahan the bouffant one was wreathed in gloom, while Kenny tried to sound fair and even handed and balanced:

Nervous MPs (and some ministers) just feel Abbott is unpopular and ineffective, and they don’t think he can change — so they want to change him. 
The last time the crisscrossing paths of these political powerhouses went head to head in a leadership contest, Abbott prevailed by a solitary vote. 
This coming week, these personalities, along with the competing tensions of social conservatism and economic liberalism — and vice versa — will tear at the fabric of the party once more, as it considers a treacherous crossing of Sydney Heads.

Only van Onselen was prepared to point out the bleeding obvious - that, barring a Catholic miracle the Pope would accept as a token of sainthood - Abbott is a dead man walking, no matter how it plays out on Tuesday. He's mortally wounded, but like the Black Knight, it's in his nature to fight on (which reminds the pond of the enormous stupidity of Janet "Dame Slap" Albrechtsen proposing that there was a chance he'd resign out of loyalty before the blood started to flow).

What was most heart-wrenching was to see the tearful columnists mourning their hero. There was Hendo celebrating his 'considerable achievements' - but then as a man dedicated to nit picking and pile and nattering negativity, of course the desiccated coconut, our very own prattling Polonius, would always cheer on Abbott.

And there was the bromancer Sheridan, holding out hope and once again smoting mightily the evil world of electronic graffiti:

Pure drivel in the inimitable Sheridan way, of course, to imagine that everything is new, nothing is the same, and it's a whole new world, so he can find reasons for alarmism on every level:

So that's why the reptiles at the lizard Oz did their best to ruin the NBN, and with Malcolm Turnbull's help, have caused it considerable damage.

It's to save western civilisation! Yes, once again little sir echo is channeling the chairman:

Never mind, confronted by such an infinitely complex and dangerous world, full of social media deviates that need civilising, and full as a goog with the sounds of a Yeats' poem announcing the impending apocalypse, it's little wonder a bear with as few brains as Sheridan plumps for his old mate (having spent much of his column reiterating Abbott's many failures):

Uh huh. A simple Wilcox cartoon bells that cat bag full of blather:

Reading the lizard Oz these days is to be reminded of what an ossified gentleman's club it is, full of harumphing angry old white men, alarmed at new ways and new media and upstarts and flibbertigibbets, when in reality it's the reptiles themselves that are prolix and garrulous, as with the lizard Oz's editorialist, who also, at great length makes the case for Abbott.

Reading the piece is like wading through a tub of treacle, but as it's outside the paywall, it's there for anyone who cares to make the effort. How stupid does it get?

Well there's some standard abuse of the ABC and Fairfax, and a lot of bile directed at Malcolm Turnbull, of which this is just a sample:

Yes on and on they rant about the dangers the government faces, the economic difficulties, and the follies of Turnbull, and his uselessness as a leader, and then how does the rant end?

Yes, they end up, with Abbott back in the leadership, taking the bold step of appointing Malcolm Turnbull to fix the economy!

WTF. That's more weird than anything you could read in Fairfax or see on the ABC.

Though, while speaking of Fairfax, it's worth noting that someone seems to have been bugging allegedly private conversations between Julie Gillard - sorry, make that Bishop - and Tony Abbott, at least if Peter Hartcher's The inside story of how the Liberal leadership duo of Tony Abbott and Julie Bishop cracked. (forced ad at end of link).

Well it couldn't have been Tony Abbott, could it? Not with so many of the telling anecdotes running against him, and it couldn't have been sweet, loyal, innocent Julie Gillard - sorry, make that Bishop - could it? Must have been a rat lurking behind the arras with a tape recorder ...

What else?

Well the pond performed the stupendous, heroic and gratifying feat of reading ponderous, pontificating Paul Kelly from go to woe. It was more chicken little, the sky is falling in, hand wringing, sackcloth and ashes, and it can be googled for any masochists out there. This is how it ended, conflating Liberal leadership with the ruination of the country:

If ever there was a better example of a fearful old man rustling about in his leather seat in the club, the pond would like to see it ...

Well to Mr Kelly, all the pond can say is 'toujours gai, Paulie, what the hell, toujours gai' and only three more sleeps until the apocalypse and the rapture ... and Abbott's choice ...

Which is why it's about time for a few cartoons, and remember you can cop the Fairfax cartoonists at the Canberra Times here.