Speaking of travesties on a Monday ...

This invaluable graph explains why the geeks are nervous about what Michael Bay might have done to the immortal legend of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

There's been rumours circulating that indicate the film might be yet another Bay travesty, but if you circulate the rumours, you're becoming part of the Bay trolling, click bait rumour mill ...

Not to worry, invaluable research like this never goes away - you can also find M. Night Shyamalan's career here charted by IMDB, whereby convincing proof is offered that in due course he will achieve the perfect score of O ...

Speaking of travesties, once again Julie Bishop has got the wrong end of the stick, criticising Bob Carr for publishing a memoir on his brief time as foreign minister (you can see her and read about it here).

As if anyone will bother to read this memoir by a prime doofus, which certainly won't get around to explaining why Carr stood for the senate, and then on being elected, immediately decided to quit ...

The pompous blowhard who inter alia ruined the infrastructure of NSW while offering the panem et circenses of the Olympics spent a brief eighteen months on the job dabbling in foreign affairs - Bob Carr quits Senate, 18 months after entering Federal Parliament.

It takes astonishing ability to make a lightweight like Alexander Downer look like a heavyweight, but the opportunist butterfly Carr managed the feat with ease.

Will anybody bother to pay full quid for the book? Will anyone even bother to pick it up on remainder?

Carr has already given the world an idea of the delusional mind involved in the scribbling.

Suddenly he's turned into the next Edward Snowden, detailing all sorts of juicy things:

"The alternative to an Australian foreign minister writing a responsible account of his time as foreign minister is for Australians to wait until the next slew of secrets via Edward Snowden is spilt out to the world," he said. 
 "I think [Ms Bishop] is leaping at shadows and she should wait until the book comes out. 
 "Australians have got a right to know these things."

Bob Carr as a responsible Edward Snowden spilling out things the world and Australians have the right to know ... ?

Does it get any richer or sillier or more preposterous? Why it's even more bizarre than Norman Mailer pitching his book on Marilyn Monroe as a feminist tract.

The only thing the pond is likely to learn is the value of nodding off, drifiting away and sleeping soundly ...

Speaking of Monday travesties - the pond has never liked Mondays, though these days if you sing of silicon chips going wrong and shooting things down they're likely to lock you away - grumpy Paul "Magic Water" Sheehan offers his usual travesty of a political column in Christine Milne the luckiest politician in Australia.

It's so shallow that you couldn't even drown in the magic water spillage ... though it perpetuates the same meme, which is that life and politics is all about voodoo and magic and luck ...

If you followed Sheehan's profoundly silly theme to its logical conclusions, life is all about luck.

Oh wait, it's already been said:

As flies to wanton boys are we to th' gods. 
They kill us for their sport

Thanks Bill, at least you're not recycling Bill Short-term or Bill Short-circuit jokes and calling it informed political commentary by the Fairfaxians' number one political commentator (if Sheehan is number one, what's the second prize?)

The only time Sheehan bothers to acknowledge that actual performance, between the original election and the re-run, had something to do with it, is when he gets around to contemplating the Labor party:

Typical of Labor’s dysfunction in this election, Pratt was lampooned last November by Joe Bullock, the No.1 candidate on Labor’s ticket, for being a lesbian who married a transsexual man.

You won't find Sheehan scribbling anywhere Typical of the Liberal party's dysfunctional time in government ...

No, no, it's bad luck, the gods smiling on the greenies - cue relentless Sheehan green bashing - a snide reference to Dio Wang not even being an Australian citizen four years ago, and it all being a fluke ...

Scrub that, Sheehan does acknowledge one Abbott folly ...

Prime Minister Tony Abbott also scored a spectacular own-goal in the run-up to the election when he revived knighthoods and dames, without consulting cabinet, or common election sense.

Which, when you think about it for a nanosecond, is even sillier, since there are many sins the Abbott government has committed, and is likely to commit in the near future, and the chance of anyone voting simply on the basis of knights and dames - monumentally absurd though that concept is - is bizarre and an insult to every sandgroper who drifted away from the major parties ...

Luck had nothing to do with that. Nor the electoral gods. And luck had nothing to do with the original bungle that necessitated the re-run. It was a bungle, and if the major parties had performed well - as opposed to having Joe Bullock as the lead candidate or being the Abbott government - they would have seen off the protest vote.

Now the lizards are crying into their spilt beer:

Now here's the thing for the reptiles as they look into the mirror this Monday morning and notice a haggard face and bloodshot eyes ...

There was already plenty of evidence, back in the days when Clive Palmer was a respected member of the Queensland Liberals, a go to man for money and opinions and influence, that he was barking mad, at least when the wind blew north by north west, and maybe in the other, real directions of the compass ...

Now, as a result of the Murdoch press pursuing him relentlessly and demonising him and braying at the slightest opportunity that he was barking mad, and the ABC a Palmer pawn, and so on and on, interminably and tediously, Palmer has formed a steadfast hostility to the Murdoch press and all that it stands for, and might well do something, anything in politics simply on the basis that it pisses off the Murdochians....

Revenge can be enjoyed whether served cold or hot ... and now the Murdochians must confront the Frankenstein's monster they've helped to create ...

It's already got the reptiles scratching their heads ...

Uh huh. Oh Brother, it's the Clive reality show (behind the paywall, because reality doesn't come cheap).

Here's how the reptiles, courtesy Phillip Hudson, open their negotiations with Palmer:

The hapless Hudson - one of the more sober reptiles - followed the standard reptile line, that Palmer was head clown in the circus, that it was all due to Palmer spending cash, and that Palmer had mounted yet another assault on the AEC.

But there's nary a mention of the Murdochians v Palmer feud, which has bubbled along during the campaign:

The MP took repeated swipes at Rupert Murdoch, slamming a story published in The Australian yesterday about the carbon tax bill for his company Queensland Nickel. 
“Mr Murdoch has done more for this country than you have,” Ms Markson said. 
“We know you’re crawling a little bit. Why don’t you crawl a bit further. I mean, the point about it is, I’m a living national treasure,” Mr Palmer said, to cries of laughter. (here, with a forced video because some Murdoch business models give away the news)

This sort of nonsense has gone on for years. Back in 2013 Palmer threatened to sue Rupert Murdoch over newspaper coverage (here) and he called the Murdoch press reporting bullshit (here) and he kicked out the lizards from a Perth press conference (here), and so on and tediously on ...

So if Palmer is the head clown, what does it say about the Murdoch press, which did the dance with the clown?

Why, if they weren't a pack of reptiles, you'd call them an alley or pratfall of clowns (get your collective nouns by subject here).

You see, Palmer followed the old, guaranteed showbiz saw that there's no good or bad publicity, there's only publicity ...

As Oscar Wilde himself said, the only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about (and more on publicity at the phrase finder (here)

In the end, for all the work of fearless investigative reporter Hedley Thomas, the clowns couldn't lay a glove on Palmer, not in the same way that Joe Bullock landed a glove on Louise Pratt and the Labor party, and Arthur Sinodinos laid a glove on Tony Abbott and the Liberal party.

And now comes the reckoning, and come July the new Senate, and now Abbott has to pretend that he never said all those nasty, hurtful things about Clive splashing the cash and buying power and influence ...

Take it away Jason Clare ...

... Labor has warned Mr Abbott’s attack could backfire on him during negotiations with the Palmer United Party down the track. 
“I suspect they will rue the day they did that because come July 1, they will be in bed with Clive Palmer,” Labor frontbencher Jason Clare told Sky News. 
“I think Tony Abbott’s judgment in attacking Clive Palmer is probably a bad mistake on his part and he will live to regret that.” (here, at the same news location, with a forced video because some Murdoch business models give away the news)

Yes, they'll be in bed with Palmer, and the reptiles will have to pretend that when Palmer decides to support Abbott's program, he's no longer a clown in the circus, he's a wise businessman doing some hard-headed negotiating, an entertaining man who can entertain Julie Bishop. Cue Hudson:

The government hopes that Palmer will be a pragmatic businessman they can negotiate with rather than an entertainer, an ­attention-seeker or mischief-maker who will force Abbott to dance to his tune and sing for his votes. Last week’s attack by Abbott that Palmer was trying to “buy a seat” is giving way to the charm offensive led by Bishop, who is hoping for a constructive relationship.

Uh huh. Let's see how Tony "crash or crash through" Abbott goes about doing a charm offensive. Let's see how Palmer forgives and forgets the reptiles and their relentless campaigning ...

What's the bet the real circus is only just beginning?

And luck had bugger all to do with it ...

Everyone makes their own beds - unless they happen to be happy little vegemites and well off Murdochians with personal servants - and the Murdochians and the Liberal party have been making this bed for a long time ...

To paraphrase Xavier Hebert, poor bugger, this country ...

But what fun, at least for the cartoonists ...

More Rowe here.