General Ripper, say hello to precious bodily fluids and Chinatown ...

And now is there any other business before the meeting comes to a close and things dissolve into a TGIF riot?

"Madam chair, it seems some insouciant saucy wretches are reporting to this blog that they saw Mark Textor deliver a surly, truculent glare to camera while talking of imaginary tweets about imaginary people, before delivering an imaginary tweet which some people foolishly imagined was a half-baked, half-arsed apology because it mentioned twittering and diplomacy". (Liberal pollster Mark Textor denies offensive tweets referred to Indonesian leaders, forced video at end of link featuring the amazing twittering Textor).

Yes, yes, but your point is?

Apart from it being likely that the macho strutting, aggro, in your face attitude arises from something in the water he drinks?

"Well Madam you looks and sounds like a chair or a hat - isn't Bronnie such an inspiration - it would seem that the research funding which proposes to discover why Liberals, unlike liberals, are completely incapable of any sort of simple, direct apology is now urgently required, especially as the Indonesians are now proposing our fearless leader, Tony Abbott, lacks diplomatic skills."

Oh if you insist, make it so.

Dearie me, is there anything else at all positive arising from this sordid affair, which could have been nipped in the bud by anyone who understood you needed more than a baseball or cricket bat or a piece of 2 be 4 when strutting the international stage?

"Well Madam, it seems hits on the Jakarta Post from Australia have soared, first to find out about what's actually happening with boat people, and now to discover the truth about Tony Abbott. It's an ill wind and all that."

What's that? Let the boat people cross to Oz: Lawmaker ...

Oh dear, that'll teach the Murdoch press.

Is there anything else before we declare a TGIF orgy?

"Well Madam chair, we draw your attention to bizarre events in Queensland, Newman axes committee in CMC stoush, because some people dared to point out that Dr Levy had shown he was partisan, biassed and lacking in independence".

Oh Jake, how many times do we have to tell you on a Friday, forget it Jake, it's Queensland.

"Madam chair, we'd also like to report that there's another bunch of weirdo dropkick hippies, libertarians and ranting ratbags of the American tea party kind who've voted against fluoride in the water, thereby expecting the rest of the state to pay for all the additional dental work their children will require in due course."

Jake, you've been warned once already. Please, no more mentions of Queensland this fine Friday, just forget it Jake."

"Um Madam Chair, it's the good citizens of NSW, the hippie fruitcakes and freaks who lurk in Byron Bay, as in Byron Bay still holding out agains fluoride in water."

Oh shit Jake, we're ever so sorry, what a total fuck up.

"Think nothing of it ma'am, at least you're sorry at discovering the wilful stupidity of stupid people".

Is there anything we can do Jake?

"Well ma'am you could sign the petition which proposes that no toothpaste containing fluoride be shipped to Byron Bay".

But that means there'd be very little toothpaste in Byron  Bay, Jake, except for deluded users of very expensive chocolate toothpaste and other hippie crap imported from America, and they would get even less fluoride in their diet and their teeth would rot even faster ...

"Exactly Madam, and then you could say you were deeply sorry, like an exemplary liberal".

This is, Jake, rapidly turning into a very bad imitation of a Downfall pastiche on YouTube. Does anybody have anything else for the Chair?

"Well Madam hat on a chair, a correspondent has drawn attention to the noble Henry Ergas scoring a "mate's gig" on the NBN, despite having been a fierce, unremitting and woefully ignorant critic of the NBN, as reported in Crikey, in When Malcolm met Henry: Ergas gets at second bite at NBN".

After pointing out Henry's fine track record, being slammed for his performance as an "expert" for his "performance" in 2004 in a matter involving Qantas before the Australian Competition Tribunal, Crikey dared to mention Henry's clutch of right-wing economists, Concept Economics, going belly-up. Some Concept!

And then they dared to question Henry about his analytical skills:

....forget about all that – what about the NBN? In 2009, Egars and friends prepared an analysis of the NBN, predicting it would cost $133 a month to connect metropolitan customers and $380 a month to connect non-metro customers, “averaging out at around $170 nationally”. 
 Currently, iiNet and Internode offer NBN deals starting at $49.95 a month. Optus starts at $65 a month, Telstra at $73 a month, somewhat less than the cost predicted by Henry and co. 
Why the disparity? Well when we first pointed it out, Ergas immediately wrote to us to complain that, far from him being wrong, it was the government’s fault — the actual costs were being skewed by the fact that the NBN was going for an uneconomic rate of return. We asked Ergas at the time if he stood by his original prediction, but he never replied. Now he gets a chance to explain how he was right all along.

Sheesh, all this before breakfast, and we even get on to contemplating any business for today?

Could there be any more surreal, disturbing, existentially weird bit of business to hand?

The Abbott government has made a strong start?

Sweet long absent Jesus, today is the day that Dennis 'the suit and the tie and the sleek conservative bouffant hair' Shanahan decides to do a puff piece on Abbott for the reptiles at the lizard Oz/

The pond wants a good dose of whatever fluoride-free libation they serve for lunch at the lizard Oz.

Could anyone come up with anything more inane or silly, without reverting to Miranda the Devine, or the Bolter, which isn't playing fair, because that's like having all the twos and threes in the hand and declaring a lay down misere ...

"Well Madam Chair, the reptiles have played a regular favourite."

Oh sweet long absent Jesus. Okay, the pond will bite. What on earth are the Japanese doing to meet the challenge of non-existent global warming, remembering that Lomborg has routinely maintained that global warming is by no means the world's greatest threat.

Direct action!

Oh and a humble 0.2% of GDP, about a $100bn, and someone will come up with a clever idea that will get us out of the mess we're in, if only we realised it's a phantom mess we're in, and so it should be jolly cheap to clean up the phantom mess ...

Or some such nonsense of the usual FUD kind.

Last orders, six o'clock swillers, please!

"Madam chair, it seems that the Bolter continues to rant and rage at The Graudian and the ABC for daring to outscoop the hacks at News Corp and dressing it up as being for free speech, except for free speech involving deviant, filthy vile leftist cardigan-wearers. You can read the elegant contortions, and double flips and pikes in You can be for free speech, yet criticise how the media speaks".

Right Jake, final warning. You know you should forget it, it's the Bolter.

"Madam chair, Madam chair, we should really pay attention to the Bolter's foaming, frenzied denunciation of all the self-serving malevolent shysters and hypocrites who are deliberately damaging Australia and blaming Tony Abbott, when we all know dear leader and dinkum Oz are one, an indefinable duopoly roughly akin to the holy trinity".

What self-serving, malevolent shysters - deliberately damaging Australia and blaming Tony Abbott for it. Who are these hypocrites who betray Australia, peddle a traitor's leaks and demand we surrender to Indonesia, just to destroy a Prime Minister they hate? (Malevolent shysters are damaging Australia).

Look Jake, forget it. Abbott fucked up, and until we see the results of the research funding, it's likely no one will understand why he found it so hard to say sorry. Of course in the interim, the Bolter is going to do a Joe McCarthy routine, and denounce the treasonous enemies within, and all the other sorts of nonsense required to distract attention from the banal observation that Abbott fucked up, dropped the ball, got bowled around his legs, snicked it to slip, and otherwise behaved like a first class member of Australia's first eleven ...

Someone's got to do a foam flecked frenzy in crazy wild-eyed style, and it ain't Dennis "the tie" Shanahan.

As for outrageous and unseemly comparisons to Obama and Germany? Well really:

... Indonesia is not Germany. 

Indeed. Bloody Indonesians. Tell him, Mark Textor, tell him what they look like! And it could get worse:

And, if Abbott gives such a guarantee to Indonesia, he'll be under pressure to give the same to the leaders of Cambodia, Vietnam, Malaysia and whoever else demands one. And if the next Snowden leak shows us spying on Chinese leaders, what does Abbott do next? 

Eek, Asians, we're surrounded by demanding, recalcitrant Asians. Why those bloody Indonesians drove out the Dutch, and it's been downhill ever since.

Who to blame, oh who to blame:

 The Fairfax media, mad with Abbott hate, is doing its best to help,

Which is way worse than the Bolter, who is just mad with hate.

And now, before we break for a rousing TGIF, can we have a rousing flourish of McCarthyism:

The hypocrites. The scoundrels. And is it too much to say they've sold out their country?

Yep, it's an old saw, but true all the same, that patriotism is the first and last refuge of the professional baying, braying, blogging scoundrel.

But relax, because it works like a Decibel Meter.

The more the Bolter shrieks and moans and complains about all and sundry, and evil plots and conspiracies and treason, and hate, and ignores the actual end game, which happens to involve actual Indonesians, the more you can be certain that Tony Abbott fucked up, and it's the Bolter's job, as the magician's assistant, to draw attention away from the fuck up ...

And with that, enjoy your Friday, and have another fluoride-free drink on the pond and if your teeth rot and fall out, remember it's a fiendish Fairfax, Graudian, ABC plot to mess with your precious bodily fluids...

(Below: and we were going to lay off David Pope for awhile, and then damn you, brave, bold Pope - more excellent knavish Popery here - you had to go and do a cricketing metaphor, and right now the pond can't get enough of cricket metaphors, as the fearless leader's brave lads flinch under fire. The square is broken, the Gatling jammed, the soil runs red with blood, rally lads, rally behind the Bolter, and don't forget your false teeth).