Piers Akerman and how to rabbit on in a blind fury in eight fits ...

(Above: the new way forward, thanks to Piers Akerman).

As always, the world of the commentariat is full of surprises.

While many like to blather on about the need for personal responsibility, and for people and families to accept responsibility for their actions and take care of their own, yesterday eminent communitarian - and pro-government activist and interventionist socialist - Piers 'Akker Dakker' Akerman made an urgent plea for the government to take a stand:

The Auditor-General’s reports make it clear that most government action comes after the fact, after the crime has been committed, after the family has collapsed, after the child has been absent from school.

It seems - if we may be so bold as to read between the lines in Bali boy is symptom of a bigger issue - that inter alia and not in order of priority, the predicament of the Bali boy is first of all a failure of government to act in time, interfering in and controlling family life throughout the state right from the very start ...

And secondly, society at large, for sending the wrong messages, via footballers and rock stars ... those false celebrities famous for being professionally famous, and being the wrong role models and sending the wrong messages.

As the Daily and Sunday Terror routinely celebrate these celebrities, the offer by Akker Dakker to stand down from the wretched rag until it changes its editorial policies and coverage is most appreciated. This is the kind of correct role model and right message the young of this country need.

"I'm not writing another word for the wretched fish and chips wrapper, while the bloody rag features a video on the code red thigh high split debate, and leads with splashes about alleged TV soapie star assaults and that boofhead Mark Latham being in hot water, not to mention the story on Sydney's pole dancing gran, the cleric who thinks cucumbers are too sexy, or Scarlett Johansson thinking she's an animal in a cage", according to a fly on the wall who might have been drunk at the time.

Here are just some of the sights that allegedly drove Akker Dakker into outraged fury and a splutter of resignation:

Apparently Akker Dakker clicked on the Insider's Awards for 2011 - as you can too here - and discovered it was all about Lara Bingle and her award-winning tendency to turn up on the red carpet in a metallic tuxedo or shapeless Josh Goot shift.

It's easy to imagine the outrage that Akker Dakker felt as his heart-felt message about all that's wrong with the world was tucked up in the top right hand corner, while undue attention was paid to the women in the splash, as seen below:

Apparently the penultimate straw came when Akker Dakker noticed that the Terror was boasting that its most read story was about a sheep giving birth to a human-faced lamb, and at number three how cops were doing coke at a big party, and at number seven, Andy's brekkie stinker.

The final straw came when he saw Lara Bingle being praised for pushing the boundaries of stle, and developing a cult following among young Aussie fashionistas, with a picture of the young thing posing at Ruby Rabbit in Darlinghurst:

Apparently and allegedly, when he confronted the Sunday Terror about his concerns and about how its editorial policies were leading to the wrong role models posing in the wrong way and so leading the young astray, Akker Dakker was politely told to sod off, and to remember that he was writing for a gutter tabloid where trashiness was the preferred style, and why didn't he just stick to denying climate science and scribbling about giant conspiracies in Queensland, because he'd never get this kind of cushy commentariat retirement gig again ...

When Akker Dakker allegedly suggested that there might at least be space for a regular feature, 'Nun or priest of the day', or perhaps 'social worker of the week', or at least 'most helpful government agency of the month', the Terror editor was silent for a moment, then promised to kick the nun idea around with his creative team. Apparently he was worried about finding a nun could be persuaded to turn up in a Lara Bingle-approved metallic tuxedo.

But you have to admire Akker Dakker. He's a determined communitarian socialist, and apart from decrying false celebrities, he came back with a most impressive quotation from a paid up member of the government, the Auditor-General of NSW:

... I would suggest that we can all have a part to play in helping build respect amongst the most vulnerable. We need to provide and support positive role models in our communities and help others build respect for themselves and others.

The Terror editor pointed out he was tremendously respectful of the numbers Lara Bingle can still deliver.

That's when Akker Dakker seized on figures provided by the Auditor-General:

Last week, in his report on the commentariat working as minions of Murdoch, he found that 44 per cent of the commentariat are over 50 years of age. When questioned about this, he pointed to statistics which showed that in 1986, half the commentariat were younger than 35 while now, just 20 per cent are younger than 35.

“Many school children would benefit by having a younger member of the commentariat as a role model,” he told The Daily Telegraph’s Kate Sikora.

Oh okay the original data referred to teachers, but naturally as an older member of the commentariat, always banging on about the deficiencies and failures of the young, Akker Dakker took this as something of a sign.

It seems with correct counselling and support young people can be weaned off reading tabloid newspapers and watching mind numbingly dumb television programmes.

But then Akker Dakker couldn't resist himself, and resorted to his old form of telling porkies:

The research overwhelmingly shows that dysfunctional children are more likely to come from dysfunctional families, and while many single parents beat the odds, and many homosexual couples do, too, research shows children do stand a better chance of faring well if they are raised in traditional families.

In fact, in what little research has been done in the area, the studies to hand suggest that Children of Lesbians May Do Better Than Their Peers.

But that's the way with a gutter trash tabloid. Just make a bold claim, and don't bother to substantiate it with a reference or a link. Just rabbit on about role models, because an ability to distort the truth or pervert the research is exactly the kind of role model the young needs when it comes to winning an argument ...

Meanwhile, it seems as if Bali boy is all the fault of the Gillard government:

It seems obvious to many older Australians that there has been active erosion of the traditional family by those on the Left of politics.

Gillard’s spineless reversal of support for the Marriage Act at the ALP’s national conference last weekend and her tacit approval of the Green-Left push for homosexual marriage is just the latest manifestation of this corrosion.

And never mind the corrosion of truth daily on view in the Daily Terror.

You see, one way or another the proposed changes to the Marriage Act clearly traumatised the Bali boy and others, and they lead to anti-social behaviour, and the result?

We are yet to know what the bill was for the Bali Boy’s escapade but as it managed to distract the Australian Ambassador to Indonesia (who was struggling to effect a resumption of live cattle exports cancelled without warning by the Gillard government), and numerous other high-level officials, right up to the prime minister, it will not be cheap.

Australians are paying a heavy price for Labor’s family policy failures.

Indeed. And we are yet to know what the bill is for the Terror paying for Akker Dakker to scribble tripe, but as it managed to distract the pond for a nano second - and any other hapless reader who's made it this far - it seems safe to assert that Australians are paying a very heavy price indeed for the Terror's commentariat editorial failures ...

But just so you don't go away empty handed, and feel that once again you've been cheated of any useful insights into the world, here's a link to 'I like to be in control' says Scarlett Johansson, which was naturally accompanied by the role-model elevating snap below, along with this special insight:

... Johansson has been voted the sexiest woman alive in more men’s magazine polls than most people have had hot dinners.

“It’s very flattering, but there’s also a part of it that feels a bit like fluff,” she says. “I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but I’ve always thought of myself as a character actor. I’m not a vixen or femme fatale, even though I’ve played those characters. That said, it’s fun. There’s a lot worse. It’s better than being called the homeliest woman alive.”

Indeed. Now give us that little girl pout again Scarlet, so that socialist Calvinist government interventionist columnist Akker Dakker can reel away in horror, because clearly gay marriage and the Gillard government's policy failures - especially its failure to intervene at the family level in every family in the land - have a lot to answer for: