Christopher Pearson, and off in la la land with the wise wizard of Oz ...

(Above: first part of First Dog's diagnosis of is your News Limited's re-branding strategy. More First Dog here).

Dear diary: yesterday it was terribly hot in Sydney, reaching thirty degrees or more, ten above average, then getting quite cold and windy, dropping ten degrees or more, all of a sudden, and with the spring equinox shining across Australia, this feels in my bones like strong evidence of sinister climate change at work.

Perhaps it's time to send my personal anecdote to Anthony Sharwood at The Punch, as an aide-mémoire to his The cold hard proof Australia is getting warmer. Yes, it's always much better to forget about the actual climate science so a flurry of froth and foam can be whipped up by telling a yarn or two about the weather, and a gaggle of loons can argue all day without pausing to wonder if their yabber amounts to three fifths of fuck all ...

Dear diary: must stop brooding about gherkins. I know, will read Christopher Pearson, that always produces hearty good cheer and a bundle of laughs.

And blow me down - like an equinox gale and a sweaty day followed by a deep chill - Pearson delivers in It wouldn't be easy but Kevin Rudd could pull this off.

Yes, Pearson and the insufferable Phillip Adams, alleged leftie, are at one, and Kevin Rudd should return to the lodge, forthwith and at once. Quickly Kevin, act now, do what Christopher, channeling Tony, tells you:

He'd have to act quickly, perhaps within the next few weeks before parliament resumes, while the mood in caucus grows ever more desperate and before support gathers behind another candidate.

I know, I know, big Kev, you've advised the likes of Pearson to have a cup of tea and a Bex and a good lie down (Have a Bex and lie down, Kevin Rudd tells those who think he's going to challenge Julia Gillard), but that's pretty heartless advice, former chairperson Kev, especially when you consider that Bex was taken off the shelves because Dr. Kincaid-Smith of Melbourne noticed the phenacetin it delivered to the system was associated with an increase in renal disease and failure (Australian experience of analgesia in the mid 2oth century).

We know deep down you don't really want Pearson and Adams to have renal failure, do you big Kev? That would be heartless and needlessly cruel, though perhaps it would help end the endless speculation ...

Meanwhile, let's just count the laughs that Pearson delivers. Starting off by quoting Graham Richardson, Labor's most astute numbers man, is a goodie, but really was it kind to remind us that the best and most astute numbers always involve Swiss bank accounts?

Then there's the quote from that well known Labor insider Dennis "the tie" Shanahan for a capper ...

Then there's Pearson's deeply felt feminist side, as he considers the case of Julia Gillard:

Gillard's performance in question time this week, channelling the Wicked Witch of the West, suggested she thinks people in Labor's suburban heartland want unauthorised arrivals to be treated cruelly. Some may, of course, but surely most just want the problem sorted out reasonably and quickly.

Yes of course and any decent human being and proto-typical feminist wants a female politician referred to as a wicked witch, straight out of The Wizard of Oz. As any Dorothy would know, there's something deeply appealing about being called the Wicked Witch of the West, or perhaps the bitch from hell, as it so elevates the political discourse ...

Cowardly Pearson: I do believe in Kevin, I do believe in Kevin. I do, I do, I do, I do believe in Kevin I do believe in Kevin, I do, I do, I do, I do!
Wicked Witch of the West: Ah! You'll believe in more than that before I'm finished with you.

Not that Pearson is afraid of the Wicked Witch:

Dorothy: Weren't you frightened?
Wizard of Oz: Frightened? Child, you're talking to a man who's laughed in the face of death, sneered at doom, and chuckled at catastrophe... I was petrified.

And of course there's a happy ending for all:

Captain of the Winkie Guard: [after the Wicked Witch has melted] She's... She's dead. You killed her.
Dorothy: I didn't mean to kill her. Really, I didn't. It's just that he was on fire.
Captain of the Winkie Guard: Hail to Dorothy! The Wicked Witch is dead!
The Winkies: [all kneel before Dorothy] Hail! Hail to Dorothy! The Wicked Witch is dead!
Dorothy: The broom! May we have it?
Captain of the Winkie Guard: [hands Dorothy the broomstick] Please. And take it with you.
Dorothy: Oh, thank you so much! Now we can go back to the Wizard, and tell him the Wicked Witch is dead!
The Winkies: The Wicked Witch is dead!

Dearie me, all that hailing, perhaps it's a sign of climate change. Should it be reported to Anthony Sharwood?

Oops, I see that reading Pearson's astute political analysis has led to a little digression, as a way of relieving tedium and boredom, a bit like a big cat pacing up and down in a cage at the zoo.

Back to the salt mines, wherein we discover Pearson's policy recommendations for a reinvigorated Rudd, who will perhaps save some of the furniture at the next election.

First up is to replace the Malaysian solution with the Indonesian solution!

This is so infinitely clever and whimsical, it's been placed top of the list of topics at the Mad Hatter's tea party.

Next there's the matter of climate change. Abandon everything, and put everything on hold:

It's a minimalist position - not much more than a fig leaf - and some in Labor's Left wouldn't find it appealing. Still, there are plenty in the faction who question whether a lemming-like rush to introduce an unpopular policy without a mandate is the best way of advancing their abiding ideological interests. Who can blame them?

Climate science is an abiding ideological interest? Diary reminder: must send note to Anthony Sharwood, is your News Limited has spoken once again ...

Climate science, it turns out, is mere lemming-like ideology ...

Yes, it was John Howard's government that went to an election with an ETS and he got defeated, and then Malcolm Turnbull held a bipartisan position, and he got defeated, so taking any stance on climate change at all clearly involves unpopular policies without any mandate ...

And then there's the matter of gambling and poker machines:

On the issue of gambling in clubs, there is an alternative strategy to relying on Tasmanian independent Andrew Wilkie's vote and antagonising a good many electors in marginal seats. Rudd could argue he doesn't much care for gambling personally but that he understands the role clubs play in outback Queensland and NSW communities.

Yes, yes, and there wouldn't be the faintest whiff of flip flopping, or the sordid sight of waving a white flag in a desperate bid to retain power. No, it would all come up rosy:

He could propose some concessions on gambling reform and persuade Bob Katter, a longstanding friend, to support a new Rudd government on the floor of the house. The two independents from conservative rural seats, Tony Windsor and Rob Oakeshott, would want to enjoy their place in the sun for as long as possible. But he'd make no promises on that score and keep his options open for a fresh election if he wins a second honeymoon in the opinion polls.

And there you have it. Mad Bob Katter as the saviour of the Labor party, former chairman Rudd riding the dead cat bounce, the souffle rising yet again, and heading off to the polls by 5 pm in a fortnight.

What a wonderful vision. Amazingly even that wicked wizard Andrew Wilkie would go along for the ride:

All he'd have to concede the independents would be that, other things being equal, existing spending commitments would be honoured. Even Wilkie, when he saw the government didn't need his vote to survive, might be persuaded to keep his reproaches to a minimum and trade off his continued support in exchange for various sweeteners.

Yes, it's even possible to imagine former Chairman Rudd and Wilkie playing the pokies together in some far flung Queensland club, as a gesture of healing and togetherness, and a sign that no one really gives a stuff about hard core gamblers and gambling, not when it comes to toeing a moral Catholic line about the necessity of staying in power ... so that dramatic new policy initiatives can be taken to help problem gamblers with their problem gambling ...

Or some such thing. Because after all, we've been off in the lah lah land of Christopher Pearson, the man who brought you only recently Simon Crean as the sure fire fix to the Labor party leadership question ...

What's amazing is that The Australian, with a straight face, keeps publishing this kind of tripe, when really they could just take the most fetid and ironic speculations straight from the intern's desk at Tony Abbott's office, and they'd get better political insights and less fanciful weavings of gossamer and pearls from pigs' ears ...

But it does remind the pond that Crikey is having a field day with the leaked News Ltd re-branding proposal, Project Darwin, and you too can help Project Humble: help Crikey help News Ltd rebrand. Or perhaps you'll settle for reading this note straight from the desk of John Hartigan, @BigHarto: unless you have any better ideas, this is the future.

Just one thought @bigHarto. You label Piers 'Akker Dakker' Akerman as a weakness, but can anyone explain exactly why News Ltd still runs the thoughts of Christopher Pearson? It can't be the hits or the insights? Is it to keep John Howard, Tony Abbott or perhaps Cardinal Pell happy?

And that brings us to note briefly another, more tortured, set of explanations by Pearson in Accusations of sexual abuse bound to have wide ramifications, wherein Nick Xenophon is said to have had second thoughts about his Senate shennanigans, and Pearson presents this extraordinary convoluted concept of justice:

... if there had been no conviction or no trial, Dempsey could have sued for damages. Bear in mind Hepworth's urgent need to regularise his relationship with the Adelaide archdiocese, for which he'd originally been ordained a Catholic priest. As the current global primate of the Traditional Anglicans, his negotiations for reunion with Rome and his standing vis-a-vis the Catholic archdiocese of Adelaide were inextricably entwined. The last thing he wanted was to be involved in an expensive criminal trial or defamation proceedings, either of which could well have dragged on for years, and delayed the process of reunion.

Uh huh. So if we defame Pearson, he can always sue for damages, and never mind the cheery defamation?

And somehow a life-long quest for justice is mingled with a quest for Rome?

Could it also be that after Xenophon and Pearson's intervention, others have taken note of the case, and all sorts of rabbits are now running amok in the field, from Xenophon Shame: Rape accuser says Senator's meddling makes justice impossible to Accuser denies rorting church funds.

What a sordid field of accusations and counter-accusations, wherein Xenophon and Pearson have romped, and never mind the broken crockery, to mix a metaphor or two.

Who knows the truth of the matter, but you won't get anywhere near it if you read the partisan Pearson alone ...

And that's a reminder to former Chairman Rudd that, if he's thinking about taking the advice of Pearson, he really should also be thinking about trying out for a role in The Castle, so that he can tell Pearson that so far as policy initiatives go, he really must be dreaming ...

(Below: oh heck the second grab of First Dog, so you can work out where the weekly Pearson exegesis fits in the "is your News Limited" re-branding landscape).