Pearson, Akerman, and the Devine, a holy trinity of warriors battling evil greens, with bonus joyless teenage sex ...

(Above: break plastic wrapping in event of emergency, and use to smote anything green. Handy for typing an explosive, smashing tabloid column as well. Complete with electronic smashing sounds, and authentic commentariat squawking).

In keeping with the Frank Furedi theory that fear and disaster is somehow a monster of the left, it's time for a quick survey of the chattering commentariat class, and their most deep seated fears ...

And the thing most likely to cause anxiety, stress and worry? Anything green. Not the colour green, which my protestant aunt swore was bad luck, as she preferred orange in a strange echo of long lost tribal wars ...

No, it's that dangerous mob of demagogues the Greens ...

There's Christopher Pearson having a meltdown in Labor locked in deadly embrace with Greens. Labor's being cannibalised, moved to the Left, shattered by Gillard's folly, beholden to a fringe infantile party, which is resolutely irresponsible, innumerate, and a threat to the economy. And incapable of understanding the rites of the Latin mass and Pearson's scientific expertise as applied to climate change as well ...

And so on and so forth, culminating in a dire prophecy of doom:

If Abbott succeeds in painting the carbon tax in those terms, Labor may decide to depose Gillard before he has the chance to defeat her.

What's that? Tony Abbott, with his recalcitrance, is driving the Labor party into the arms of the Greens, and thereby ruining the two party system? You mean Abbott is also a captive of the Greens? Is all lost?

Yep, it's all his fault, this unholy alliance, all because of his refusal to contemplate bipartisan policies even when he announces bi-partisan policies ...

Meanwhile, Akker Dakker is naturally outraged by the Greens. They bring out the rage you might expect of a laboratory mutant with bulging green fists as Piers Akerman scribbles Labor shows it's not easy being green.

Australians are about to be hit with the spiralling cost of Labor’s unholy alliance with the Greens.

Akker Dakker is of course outraged by the Murray Darling plan, though even by his flawed reckoning, it's a tad hard to ping the unholy Green-Labor alliance with responsibility for the plan, since it's the consequence of Labor actions back in the day when it had a hearty majority, and the authority itself sprang as an idea from the fevered brow of John Howard's government in its dying days (remember John Howard's 10 point water plan) ...

Still, it's timely to remind us all of the dire implications of the word 'green':

Up and down the Murray, and in the aisles of grocery stores across the nation, those pesky people should tell Labor they will not sit in the cold dark or pay through the nose for their food, merely so Greens can sleep comfortably at night.

Before the last election, voters were warned that a vote for the Greens was a vote for Labor. Now the nation is paying a truly punishing price for those votes.

Indeed. It's certainly just as well that the voters were warned that a vote for Tony Abbott was a vote for the Greens. His dangerous leftist tendencies - already on view with a handsome paid parental leave scheme - were at their most dangerous back in August, when the ABC produced this leftist propagandist story Abbott unveils Murray-Darling plan.

The green tinted Abbott promised to get water flowing into the Coorong Wetlands "straight away":

Mr Abbott said the states should agree to national management and flagged a possible referendum on the issue.

"I am confident that the states would cooperate with an incoming Coalition government, but the other point I make is that we won't cop procrastination from the states," he said.

"We've had 100 years of inaction on the Murray-Darling and if there is no action, as a last resort, yes we would be prepared to go to a referendum."

In early 2007 then-prime minister John Howard released a $10 billion 10-point Basin management plan to improve water efficiency, which included $3 billion to buy back water licences from irrigators.

Eek. Look, a bunch of Greens gathered together to save the Coorong. And look is that Barnaby Joyce? Is even he tinged green?

Phew. The voters dodged a green-tipped bullet there (perhaps the copper got a touch of the verdigris). Why that buy back amount is exactly the same as the fiendish green tinted Labor party allocated to do the job ...

Meanwhile, it was only fitting for Miranda "hang a greenie from a lamp post today" Devine's first outing back in the Murdoch stables should be What it really means to be Green:

... whatever way you dress it up, the climate alarmist message ultimately can be boiled down to death.

No surprise that the first big issue in the kinder, gentler new parliament for Brennan’s pet Greens was euthanasia. It’s where their heads are at. Killing people.

And if you’re not dead then they’ll make you suffer.

Naturally the Devine, back in her natural home, reveals yet again her extraordinary grasp of scientific issues, as she explains how temperatures have been driven bonkers by the "so-called urban heat island effect."

Rising to a pitch of climate change science and calm, incisive, rational analysis, she explodes:

But, as Evans pointed out, their results remain in the temperature record. That is the record which has so alarmed climate zealots they think nothing of advocating the murder of people who don’t agree with them.

Eco-fanatics are no different to totalitarian ideologues through the ages. Evils such as Nazism don’t arrive with devil’s horns; they come in disguise - “sweet camouflaged poison”.

Yep, being green is an evil just like Nazism, but it doesn't arrive with devil's horns, but instead with boiled sweet lollies designed to lure pure, innocent children to a nasty, vicious, vile doom ...

There's plenty more of course - the Devine is most upset about exploding children - but sad to say, I'm worried for the Devine. While her first outburst at the Nazification of the world by the colour green - thank the lord Hal Colebatch said 'bugger off, Godwin's Law' - collected a handsome 82 comments, her next outburst - a brief spray in Stray, Shmay at the linguistic police at work in the Collingwood sex scandal - only garnered 17 comments.

And her next outburst Teen sex nothing but a joyless hook-up, copped only 44 comments.

Could it be that in her utter, shameless predictability, Devine back in a tabloid setting looks just any other ranting gutter merchant, trawling through and living off the scandals of the day, and with as much depth and weight as the Hulk's giant-sized plastic hands (careful, may cause choking)?

Why you can find this sort of stuff in dozens of conservative blogs around the world:

Sexualised by our sex-saturated culture, girls are more vulnerable than ever to the depression, anorexia, suicide and mental illness that is its inevitable byproduct. Such slatternly celebrity role models as Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Britney Spears are the canaries in the coal mine of raunch culture, their emotional disintegration testimony to the toll.

Tittering and tuttering about what's being going down on Jezebel (a fuck list you can find here if have a life to waste) puts her back in the clucking, whittering Mary Whitehouse nee Mother Grundy club.

Stick with the science Ms Devine, the world needs your valuable scientific insights, and constant warnings about the dangers of the greens.

But there you have it. Frank Furedi was clearly right with his dire warnings about the way they left finds conspiracy theories everywhere, political disasters and the evil Nazis at work in every aspect of our daily lives. Thank heavens we have the commentariat class, chattering away, warning us all about everything.

Fear mongering? No, no, no, look, just behind you, the world is collapsing around your ears, right as you read these words ... Pray, pray for your worthless lives, pray to ...

(Below: Hulk mad, Hulk Green, eek, Hulk Catholic?)