Benny Hinn, Suzanne Hinn, and the out clause that might come into play in the rough ...

(Above: the house of Hinn, as featured in Why Benny Hinn Became Our Wacky Neighbour on a site which seems a little slow at updating).

You know whenever Christ drops in - he does occasionally and we rap about the weather and the hopeless public transport in Sydney, which he agrees is the centre of the unknown universe, and we talk about how Paul Keating is a bloody huge visionary for plonking a giant hotel, Dubai style right there in the harbour, jutting out like a great big phallic symbol - I sometimes give him a gentle ribbing, and ask him what it was with the sandals and the donkey and the palm leaves and all that window dressing.

With a shy smile, he'll admit it was showbiz. He needed an angle, and the down at heel 'little tramp' routine was his long before Charlie Chaplin got in on the act. And it'll be a relief to Republicans to know he never had a thing for socialism or young women.

What's that you say? Talking to Christ means I'm as mad as a meat axe? You mean you pray to your lord and he doesn't respond to you? Sheesh, as the immortal Frank Zappa once sang, call any vegetable and the chances are good it'll respond to you.

But I was reminded of these conversations while reading about Benny Hinn, and the current troubling turmoil involving his divorce proceedings.

According to the Gospel Herald, a global Chinese Christian news service, Benny wasn't troubled by his lifestyle:

He (Hinn)... told ABC he has no misgivings about the comfortable lifestyle – a private jet, fancy hotel stays, and a multimillion-dollar home – he leads.

"Look, you know there's this idea supposedly that we preachers are supposed to walk about with sandals and ride bicycles. That's nonsense," he said. (here).

That's why I teased Christ. Sheesh, he couldn't even manage a bicycle, just a bloody donkey.

As for the miracles, he was a bit apologetic. I mean, doing the bread into flesh and the water into blood at each Catholic service around the globe is wearing him down, and he really envies the way Benny gets away with it:

For years, Hinn has been a subject of scrutiny by the media and recently the government for the miraculous healings he claims to perform and the lavish lifestyle he leads. He travels to cities across the globe conducting "miracle crusades" and services. Reports from each event indicate that dozens are miraculously healed from a physical ailment, though Hinn admitted to ABC News recently that he doesn't have medical verification of the healings.

Ah shucks, I just got carried away quoting the Chinese Christians paying such attention to Pastor Benny in his plight. Who cares about medical verification? Just show Benny the money.

Heck, why not just head off to ABC news direct, for Benny Hinn: 'I Would Not Do This for Money'. Then you can get the full story:

Jesus Christ may have lived in poverty, but Benny Hinn makes no apologies for living large.

"I mean look, every man of God that I know today has a nice house," Hinn said. "And they drive cars, and they have BlackBerrys or iPhones or whatever. It's what we need today to simply exist. ... Absolutely I need a private plane. For the ministry it's a necessity, not a luxury. ... It's a necessity for me to have my own private plane to fly so I can go and do what God called me to do around the world. If I should fly commercial I would wear out. With my schedule? It would be madness."

Sheesh, that's what I say to Christ all the time. Being all knowing and immortal and able to see the future, why didn't he bring in a few BlackBerrys or iPhones or even a handsome iPad (naturally he's on the side of Steve Jobs), and get his message out via Face Book and Twitter. It would have saved so much time. And trade that bloody donkey in for a Lear jet. How silly to think it might be in the words, as opposed to the time wasting and the dangers of flying commercial. And the humble carpenter routine? Forget it.

Christ did mutter something about Bill Gates trying to corral intellectual property rights in the old days, but he knew that excuse just wouldn't wash.

Truth to tell, it's easy to rib Christ. Just ask him what Matthew meant by:

It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.

Naturally he explained it meant that camels can go through the eye of a needle right quick and smooth if you dab 'em with a bit of KY jelly, and that when he was preaching he never settled for less than half a mill a year. Like Benny. Not that Christ would be too specific. Even now if the IRS caught up with him from ancient times, what with the interest and all, he could be owing half a trillion or so. Those money lenders in the temple have a long memory, and that's why Benny's take is so modest, but also why he also can't actually be too precise:

"I'm not gonna give you the exact amount, but it's, uh, over a half-million."

Hinn said he'd like to cut his salary to zero.

Zero? Lordy, as if performing miracles ain't enough, people want them done for free, even though it seems that some of Benny's miracles don't cut the mustard, or at least help the blind to see.

"Let me just tell you this, my aim in life is to preach the gospel of Jesus Christ, that's all I care about," said Hinn. "And if somebody comes along, or if there's a way where I can be completely taken care of financially, I won't let the ministry pay me a cent. I'll make you a deal. Right here on camera. Let 'em all see me do this with you. If somebody comes along and says, 'OK Benny Hinn, I'm gonna help you financially so you can pay your own bills,' or if I can do it on my own and get a job and do something on the side like I'm doing now, it would be a pleasure."

Oh golly, does that include the tab on the Lear jet? Even Christ took a minute to wonder whether he could afford that amount of upkeep.

"Nightline" asked Hinn whether he ever had moments, when people are writing out checks to him or filling out cards with their credit card information, that he thinks the people can't afford it, they're doing it because they're desperate and that he shouldn't take this money.

"If I was fake I would absolutely give them back their money," said Hinn, "but I believe that God called me to preach the gospel which is very important."

Yep, it's so bloody important, even the eye of a needle can pass through a camel before Benny gives up on the cash.

But the news of the divorce proceedings is a crushing blow to some of the faithful. You can read all about it, here at the CNM News Network, where the word is that Suzanne Hinn is possibly the problem:

The couple has been married since 1979, meaning that they have been together for some 30 years. Benny Hinn and his wife have 4 children together, and, according to reports, the divorce proceedings took the faith healer by surprise.

The reason for the divorce is irreconcilable differences, although Benny Hinn ministries claims that the televangelist tried to smooth out their marriage before letting it crumble.

Which does raise a question of logic, which is to say if it took him by surprise, why did he try to smooth out the marriage before letting it crumble?

Never mind, let's not judge, lest we be judged:

Some of Benny Hinn’s followers believe that the “devil made her do it” in order to try to separate his church. Others believe that Benny masqueraded some of his tumultuous private life, and that the “truth” would have to come out sooner or later.

Before we begin to judge Suzanne Hinn, Benny’s wife, it’s important to note that we likely don’t know the whole story.

But, but, but, the wife is always in the wrong. Surely St Paul established that! Not to worry, you can get all the CNM reader goss and reactions here, before we return to a message from CNM, with Linda Evans filing her story under Entertainment:

That’s not to say that Suzanne is right or wrong in her decision. We are wrong in our assumptions – either one way or another – about her decision to split.

Still yet, a divorce after 30 years of marriage is a big deal. Hopefully, the ordeal will go alright and will not affect Benny Hinn’s work.

Indeed. Many unverifiable miracles need to be performed, and much cash needs to be garnered, and a filthy rich lifestyle has to be lived, and iPhones need to be deployed. The work must go on, no matter how troubling and vexatious the woman in a man's life might become.

Meanwhile, it seems Christ is entirely sympathetic, and understanding, and perhaps a little envious, since he never really liked wearing sandals, and didn't even get a bicycle for Xmas. And he's never been able to live down the business with Mary Magdalene, and the rumours that he got hitched to her. That bloody Da Vinci code, he moans, as he contemplates all the nonsense you can read in the wiki here.

Truth to tell, he liked to hang out with the guys, sink a little fermented barley, play a little football - sorry guys, soccer's the game they play in heaven - while he left all the touchie feelie stuff to his vegetarian brother James (James the Just).

All the same, Christ was sanguine about the outcome of proceedings, and reminded me of what he'd once said to Matthew:

I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery...

... The disciples said to him, “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.”
Jesus replied, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”
But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.

That always seemed to me to give an unfair edge to eunuchs and virgin types, but Christ remains optimistic that there's enough marital unfaithfulness going around to make divorce a reasonable, biblically certified solution. He always left an 'out clause' here and there, and this one is a zinger ...

Here's hoping it's not just Tiger Woods who can make use of the 'out' clause ...

(Below: a handy service from Pastor Benny. Loon pond offers no guarantees or warranties as to the usefulness of the stickers, except as illustration for a story on how there's a sucker born every minute).