Barnaby Joyce, Lateline, climate change, agrarian socialism, a big bucket and startling news Copernicus is dead ...

(Above: Barnaby does Lateline).

Good old Barnaby.

For those who came in late to these ongoing tales of pirates and derring do, Barnaby and I, or if you will, me and Barnaby, grew up in the north west of New South Wales.

It wasn't at the same time, luckily enough, but I do like to think of Barnaby as a kissing cousin.

For some this might evoke images of hot, sweaty, beer-breathed farm boys groping at them with clumsy hands, but keep them off the grog and farm boys are hearty company. No, for me it's a reminder of the way those on the land are in fact devout socialists.

Here's how it works. When things go wrong, blame the government. And if the government's to blame, who better to fix things than the government. Stick out a hot sweaty paw and demand it be calmed and cooled and made still by a crossing of said palm with sweet cash. And no gold coin donation please. Crisp dollars of the plastic kind are what works the best.

Oh yes, agrarian socialism is the sweetest, deftest kind of socialism there is.

And Barnaby is a pretty astute player of the game. What I particularly like is his clear cut understanding of the opposition's climate change policy and what it means for the average punter:

Our one does that - it is like a bucket of money that is on the table. If you come forward with a proper tender, then you are eligible to win some of that money.

You see! It's a bucket of money. It doesn't come from the taxpayers, it comes from savings or the ether or perhaps from ectoplasm, and if you know how to play the game, you too could win, and not just a complimentary set of steak knives. It's heaps better than poker machines, and if you hit the jackpot, wooo eee ... (or should that be cooo eeee?)

And naturally it's great for farmers:

I have no doubt for instance farmers with the sequestration of carbon in the soil see the capacity for them to earn money from the paddocks and they'll want to participate in that process.

As for why we should indulge the farmers and allow them a healthy swig from that bucket of money, Barnaby was very clear about that too.

Whatever he said in the past about climate change, you should just forgive and forget. A cash hand out will fix what ails the country, and quite possibly the planet, and all the sceptics should just retire to the corner, and count the hand out:

BARNABY JOYCE: It's another path. I do not believe that my view is the only view that is allowed to be espoused in Canberra. I have my doubts in certain areas, but there is a general feeling that people want a participation in some form of environmental policy, broad-based environmental policy. We are giving that to them.

Along with a bucket full of cash.

Oh no, et tu Barnaby, you might think, as you remind the world that once upon a time Barnaby was a full blown sceptic, consorting with all the best sceptics, like Ian Plimer.

Once a full blown sceptic, and now a piddler into the breeze? How can that be? Sssh, nudge nudge, wink wink, a nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat, eh, say no more.

Here's how to present the switcheroo as a decent bill of goods:

LEIGH SALES: Are you abandoning voters like you who are sceptical about the science?

BARNABY JOYCE: What we are actually delivering back to those people is a policy that’s beyond the environment; if you want to include, increase the structure of your soil, the productivity of your soil, that is a brilliant outcome. If it would help the environment along the way, it's also good. This is a multifaceted policy. It's not like the Labor one. We have a capacity to invest in the land giving greater productivity to the land. Whether you are pro-global warming or against, it has to be a good outcome as well.

Beyond the environment? Like in a hyper dimensional bizarro world matrix spatiality complete with a post environmental environment.

Yes, you see, it's an environment policy that actually has nothing to do with global warming, which goes beyond the environment.

It just happens to involve burying a bit of carbon, but only so the soil can be improved. And any new trees will be planted in the city, where a good storm can send the gums crashing through the roof. That'll teach them latte sipping chardonnay swilling inner urban types.

There's a lot more fun in the Lateline interview with Barnaby, where he shows a strict circumspection and willingness to toe the line.

BARNABY JOYCE: Well, today I was at the farmers' rally. I've been quite open. There are areas where I won't have the capacity as I had in the past. I'll work stringently to bring about the outcomes. I'll not have a personality transplant. I think the people who have seen me close, including colleagues, would fret that that would be the case.

Sob. No more wild cat fury for Barnaby.

Oh dear, does that mean we won't have the splendid outbursts of yore?

Never mind. You can catch the transcript here, and the video herevia the front page, until it slips down the page.

And if you sometimes yearn for the good old days, you can burrow through the archives. Like this one on Lateline awhile ago (you can catch that transcript here, and along with it access to a windows media video).

TONY JONES: But you are saying the jury is out on the climate science, is that correct? You don't necessarily believe it?

BARNABY JOYCE: I never believed the science is settled. If the science was settled, Copernicus would be dead. Sorry, he is dead - he would have been killed!

Yes, that clarifies everything!

Expect a lot of talk about "the great big tax".

I always found the Major Mitchells we caught could be trained to learn a few words, but the fewer they learned, the better they were at having a chat.

Great big bucket, magic pudding, farmers apply here, socialism evil, great big tax, agrarian socialism good, Copernicus killed. Dead.

There, that should do the trick, keep the chooks well fed, settled, away from the socialists, happily clucking and turning out eggs in abundance.

Meanwhile, note to self. Must start watching Lateline again, now that the socialists are back from their two months or more break (let's see how they run a 24/7/365 news channel with a two month break).

Because when it's on air, it's always a splendid haven for loon spotting.

Can't bring myself to watch the carrot top in the 7.30 Report just yet - did anyone at the ABC think of the ratings when they started running Stephen Colbert in the same time slot on their second channel - but hey once the socialists manage to get around to running Media Watch by February 8th, might have to check him out occasionally.

Ah the fun to be had on loon pond this year, and now here's a picture of a dead scientist, who quite likely might have been killed by global warming ... or by science. Whatever, he's a dead scientist, which is much like a Norwegian blue: