Friday, September 18, 2015

A super duper edition of moaning, misery, rats in the ranks and a heap of goanna salve for the fretting reptiles ...

The pond feels ashamed, soiled. Fancy spending quality time, like a shameless, shameful slut, with the barking mad Exspectatorists, and forsaking the beloved reptiles of Oz.

But the pond's brief sojourn with the Exspectatorists was profitable because it raised the question of what happens to reptiles driven mad by loyalty to a lost cause for some five years. That's a long time to waste, in reptile or even 'uman years ...

Right now there's so much grieving, and still the need for a keening and a wailing and sackcloth and ashes ...

And so on and on, and what a wondrous restoration of stability, as the man with a direct line to the office speaks bravely of his loss, and speaking of loyalty, this just in ...

Oh dear, better start packing a bible for when you read Scott Morrison concedes Tony Abbott offered him treasury ... (with forced video and Ray Hadley and if that doesn't stop you from clicking nothing will).

Oh, there are rats in the ranks, there's a need for healing, there's a need to send a submarine to Adelaide to save the poodle or at least take him to China, and yet there are already signs of a nameless fear, some dread spectre of horror hanging over the reptile heads.

Already the poor reptiles clustered in their enclosure are nervous. There are signs and portents and rumblings, and not just from the twitterati with their usual wittering insights:

Now that might be well be exact, just, and true, but the reptiles are already feeling the fear. 

Down from their kool-aid high, sustained over two years, the nerves are beginning to show, with only a couple of days on the new Malware, copper-burnished clock:

The joint's already leaking like a sieve:

Tony Abbott has pledged not to “white ant” Malcolm Turnbull but some “massively angry” follower­s seem prepared to provide the sort of cabinet leaks used to destabilise the former prime minister… 
Canberra­ insider gossip is emerging about the early workings of the Turnbull government contradicting the Prime Minister’s promise of a new regime. 
Innocuous details of the first cabinet meeting of the Turnbull government on Tuesday are emerging; cabinet figures contradicting Mr Turnbull’s claims about promoting women have been leaked; some of Mr Abbott’s supporters have had meetings; and Liberals are complaining they were kept in the dark over the Coalition agreement Mr Turnbull signed with Nation­als leader, Warren Truss. 
The Australian has been told the Prime Minister’s first cabinet meeting lacked the expected inclusiveness after Mr Turnbull’s promise to restore proper cabinet processes and to be “collegiate and collaborative"… 
Environment Minister Greg Hunt, famed for his graphic present­ations and multi-pointed arguments, suggested Mr Turnbull take some comments from those around the cabinet table. 
Mr Turnbull listened to the minister’s first point but closed discussion before he got to points two and three. He did not seek further comments from around the table and called in the outer ministry members. 
Mr Turnbull then addressed the full ministry and called for any questions. There were none and the meeting ended.

Fancy not listening to that elaborate presentation of evidence of walri in the Antarctic!

And then there are strange sightings in the sky, as weird as seeing the image of Jesus in a cheese toastie:

Yes, and now we know the faceless men involved in the filthy blood-letting coup, thanks to the AFR:

Damn you faceless men, damn you all to hell, but Julie Bishop is a faceless man?

So it seems, though it might take some mansplaining away ...

Meanwhile back with the Bolter, the lad with a hint of Latham in him is maintaining the rage at the vicious harridan, though in only a surly, truculent way:

And then there's the treacherous, traitorous poodle, the Benedict Arnold of Adelaide:

And all for what? Sackcloth and a few poll ashes. Piffle, tawdry gemstones of the lowest quality:

In such dire moments, the pond always turns to its first true love, the thoughts of the Oz editorialist, a manly man when only a faceless man should be allowed to chatter:

Ah, the healing in the healing days ahead ... a time of love and peace and harmony that will make Haight Ashbury a distant memory ... and it's going so well already ... a rats' feast of poison, hate and bile ... thanks to the ratbag tea party Murdochians so assiduously cultivated over recent years ...

Can the pond humbly suggest a magic lotion, much loved by the pond's relatives up Tamworth way for many a year?

Won't someone think of the goannas?

Now do go on, Oz editorialist, let's have a helpful healing session. Can we feature the poodle and detective Plod?

Ah, excellent, stop the boats and stop the submarines ...

The bouffant one was also in splendid, hand-wringing, form about the subs:

Won't someone think of Kev? Damn you, poodle perfecting the art of pork barrelling to save your pathetic poodle skin!

This cannot stand, this will not be allowed!

But think of the upside! There might be something to salvage by way of higher education.

Never mind, it seems that Malware is already destined to failure, but once it's installed - please don't click on that request to download a video player - it's a devil to get rid of it.

And here we are already, the bouffant one and the Bolter in perfect agreement, and oh dear what a rocky road it's going to be, if you spend your time reading the runes, and watch the reptiles fossick around amongst the entrails ...

Forget the kool-aid, if there's going to be a healing, if that man-thing Julie Bishop is going to be forgiven, we need a semi-trailer of salve heading to the hipster bunker enclave in Surry Hills where the reptiles gather to do their daily chattering ... (and don't forget the kool-aid).

Oh look, and an early portrait of the goanna salve factory. Why it perfectly evokes the spirit of the Abbott-loving bunkerists now in search of a new hope, a new dream, or even a blanket ...

Eek, hug Simon Benson and the Bolter?

Now if we're all feeling a tad better, please stand by for Moir's splendid vision of the future:

Uh oh? What's that you say?

Editorial: Brilliant coup or the Liberals’ worst mistake? Is Malcolm Turnbull actually the Liberals’ Julia Gillard? 
My guest: Liberal Senator Cory Bernardi. Time we created a party for conservatives?

Oh yes, oh please, oh pretty please, oh please do ... it'll be hard to match this week's events, but surely it can get even funnier than this ..


  1. Forget the goanna oil:if you're feeling soiled try some OMO,,, a natural purgative taken daily even more efficacious than ENOS.

  2. The reptile are seriously confused. The claim Abbott is 'a great bloke.' Well that may be, but what relevance does that have to being Prime Minister?

    Ask any conservative, from the IPA to the granny in Fairlight. The response is the same: 'what a shame to lose such a nice man.'

    What about his capacity to do his job well? Doesn't that count for anything?? I couldn't give a rats what type of person the PM is; can't we just have someone who can do the job well?

  3. What fun times in a world that appears to have gone barking mad. Australia is starting to look like Syria, everyone is said to be the fucking enemy and no one is sure where their hiding out and the smarties want us suckers to pay to read their opinions on what they don't know and shock jocks are going totally off the reservation. As for a Bernardiparty, I'm with you DP. Bring it on. Who needs good legislation,health,education or communications when you can have endless comedy and corruption and bible readings.
    I'm giving my 3 votes to Moir.....brilliant, and a very high commendation to " the new Malware copper burnished clock" and "the traitorous Poodle,the Denedict Arnold of Adelaide"
    Team Australia! Ya wouldn't be dead for quids,would ya .Cheers.
    P.S.I think the most interesting comment I heard today was Jon Faine reminding us that in Abbott's concession rant he never once actually acknowledged Turnbull by name. If Abbott says there will be no wrecking, no undermining and no sniping then there will be wrecking,undermining and sniping. His form has been as impeccable .

  4. Bernardiparty? A new DLP to split the Liberals, just like it split Labor aeons ago.....

    1. The pond is right on board GlenH, and by the way a belated happy birthday. No doubt the afterglow is still with you ...

    2. Oh yes DP, a very pleasant birthday surprise indeed!

  5. Goanna Salve from Bulimba, a bridal waltzing gender-blending Asbestos, Goanna Oil Liniment from Salisbury - branded as Iguana from Mexico - and those faceless men. Reptiles divided, and both tory knife wielding straighteners, and fixers all as absurd as Cheech and Chong's crew featuring Juicy Lucy and her trained Gila Monsters... ah, to laugh like a vinyl loving loon. Ouch! If it were not in spite of pain.... Damn this MALady, M'lady. Apply more of your excellent reptile rub, please. Yes, more please, and thanks DP.

    PS. OT. From Bris: Did you hear Can't Do's revisionist bit yesterday? Not one-eyed, rather all "I'd". Can terminal blinkered blindness even be labelled "revisionist"? The trusty elder honest broker Nat, former premier, The Borb, shrugged off the spray today... sumptin' 'bout politicians and the media are as sailors and the sea - Churchill (not), he said. ... Alright, it's a tory thing:

    “For a politician to complain about the press is like a ship’s captain complaining about the sea.” - Enoch Powell

  6. A makeover for the bridesmaid:

    New stylist Jules? Bit obvious.


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