I don't know how to do this.
I'm sick of all the attention, and the fawning. I want the quiet life, I want contentment. Please, as Greta Garbo used to say, I just want to be a lawn. (thank you W. C. Sellar).
Hmm, what to do, how to go about it? Well first of all, perhaps a press release? And then maybe a couple of interviews to camera? (You there, get me from the right side, you know how much I hate being filmed from the left).
Oh okay, perhaps that's a little attention seeking. Can I just do an interview in Woman's Day?
Something understated, like Pauline Hanson says goodbye to Australia.
The farewell you have when you have to say goodbye, but hate to say goodbye in too private a way, lest people think you might actually want to be private.
“I know I will never be given a chance to re-enter Parliament again,” Pauline explains.
“Our governments lack enough people with the fortitude to speak up without fear or favour. Over-regulation, increasing taxes and lack of true representation are affecting our way of life. I feel very much for the young ones. Once it was common for them to own their own home. Not now. It’s a harder place. Sadly, the land of opportunity is no more applicable.
Sadly that's it for the online story. It's just a teaser so you can rush out to buy the tree killer Woman's Day, and catch even deeper thoughts from the deeper areas of Pauline Hanson.
Does it look tempting or what?
And so restrained of her not to pose to camera, but to insist they recycle a couple of old shots. Anything for the quiet life, away from the glare.
But does she know anything of current Britain, wherein she will seek peace and quiet, like any decent migrant wanting refuge from vicious governments?
Perhaps not. Perhaps she hasn't even read Hal G. P. Colebatch's The Blind Men and the Elephant. We haven't heard from Colebatch for quite some time - a pity, always a favourite in loon pond - but in his last piece for the American Spectator he clearly established that Britain was totally sick, and in utter crisis:
Many of the comments on apparently diverse social and political dysfunction in Britain today are like the tale of the blind men and the elephant: one touched its trunk and thought it resembled a snake, one touched its tusk ("a spear!") one its side ("a wall!)", the others its tail, ("a rope!"), its ear ("a fan!) and its knee ("A tree!"). But diverse as these parts seemed, they were all of a whole. The British elephant today is the result of 11 years of Gramscian leftism in power ...
Oh dear, and now the poor old Poms might be lining up for a dose of progressive conservatism, and Hanson along with them in the queue. ..
Well it didn't take long for the clever dick snide lefties at the Sydney Morning Herald to start making fun of the redhead - when clearly they couldn't be bothered springing for a copy of Woman's Day either. Here's Tony Wright getting a few snide jabs in:
It is possible – likely indeed - these days to discover yourself on a London street that bears no relationship at all to the old city depicted as so…ummm…British in movies set only a few decades ago. Since then, Africa, Asia, the Middle East, the Caribbean and the sub-continent have moved in. Old Britain's colonies have turned the tables and colonised England's big cities.
Should Ms Hanson panic and flee, say, to the pleasant streets of Bloomsbury, she will find white faces, sure enough – but they'll probably be conversing in Russian.
And when poor frantic Pauline actually comes across a native born Anglo, she'd best keep her whimpering to a low shriek lest she be dubbed instantly “one of them whingeing Orstrayians”. Or worse, her red hair sets her out as Irish.
Well it takes The Punch and our favourite bubble headed booby Tory Maguire to cut to the real heart of the matter. I'll miss Pauline Hanson, she says, in a way that would pass for trolling or flame war baiting on a respectable site:
... we’d all do well not to forget about the former fish and chip shop owner-turned politician. For the past decade and a half Hanson has served as a powerful warning to politicians and the media of the dangers of forgetting to ask people what they think.
Um, just explain why I'd do well not to forget Hanson? In much the same way as a lot of us have managed to forget Red Ted Theodore or any of the other reds and redheads to be found littering the pages of Australian political history?
In much the same way as if I see a passing meteor I should keep on thinking about it forever?
Does this mean Tory is at one with Hanson's world view? No, no, no:
Just to be clear I found most of Ms Hanson’s political views objectionable, and in no way subscribe to her world view.
But as the years have worn down since her late-90s hey day, it’s become clear she represented a large section of the community who thought no-one in Parliament House, be they MPs or journalists, were listening to them.
Um, does that mean Tory found a large section of the community's political views objectionable, and in no way does she subscribe to the world view contained therein?
Oh dear what to do? Well of course blame the people who attacked Hanson:
The very people who went after Ms Hanson with such gusto failed to recognise at the time that her public self was in some ways a creation of their own making.
She said what she thought and we called her stupid.
Um, perhaps because she was stupid? Perhaps because people found her political views objectionable, and in no way subscribed to her world view?
Well stupid is as stupid scribbles, so what else to say?
Instead of entering into a conversation with Ms Hanson and the people who shared her views, the political establishment instead alternately took turns mocking her, trying to ignore her, or outdo her.
Enter into a conversation? Please explain? How can you enter into a conversation with a dodo? Except to explain that at some point the centre will not hold for them, and they're likely to be extinct? Like Arthur Calwell:
Arthur Calwell was a great Australian and Labor leader, and it is a pity that there are not men of his stature sitting on the opposition benches today. Arthur Calwell said: Japan, India, Burma, Ceylon and every new African nation are fiercely anti-white and anti one another. Do we want or need any of these people here? I am one red-blooded Australian who says no and who speaks for 90% of Australians. I have no hesitation in echoing the words of Arthur Calwell. (here).
It's pretty hard to have a conversation with a bigot, or for that matter with Arthur 'two wongs don't make a white' Calwell.
You can almost feel Tory shedding tears for Hanson:
Yes the 15 year campaign to smash her political power was generally effective, Ms Hanson told Woman’s Day she’d accepted she’ll never again make it into an Australian parliament.
Sob, so we'll never see a decent political video again, not one so fine as the one put together by Hanson:
Fellow Australians, if you are seeing me now, it means I have been murdered. Do not let my passing distract you for even a moment
Sob, so when we got to see it, it was quite a shock to realise she'd been murdered.
Such a proud political legacy:
For the sake of our children and our children's children, you must fight on. Do not let my passing distract you for one moment. We must go forward together as Australians. Our country is at stake.
Oh yes, except when it's time to take a holiday and head off to Britain.
Well, there's plenty of loons in the world, and if you think Tory's advice is sage, why not say hello to one of them and have a life changing argument right now? I'd suggest during a moment of road rage is the best time of all to question someone's parentage.
Nothing like a full blooded conversation by way of a beer glass to the face.
And just to show us that Tory has imbibed the right level of paranoia, blackmail and threat always embodied by Hanson, here's her closer:
But it would be very naive to think her supporters have all changed their minds and joined the Greens. The conversation isn’t over, it’s just gone a bit quiet.
Just gone a bit quiet for the moment? The conversation's not over? So we kick out all the foreigners? By which we mean of course, differently coloured folks. Hand the country back to the blacks?
It's hard to imagine a dumber political commentary than that provided by Hanson, but somehow The Punch manages it on a regular basis.
(Below: more Nicholson here).