It is now appropriate for the pond to acknowledge that the Liberal party contains a right old bunch of fundie tossers ...

(Above: Andrew Fyfe is here. Apparently he has something to do with the Footy Show, but the pond forgives him).


One of the pond's fondest memories is of Tony Abbott scuttling towards the door, in almost deranged fear that he might be caught getting tainted by a vote exercised by Craig Thomson.

You can still relive the moment on YouTube here.

Poodle Pyne joined in the gallop, showing a streak of greyhound.

It was one of the more absurd comedy stylings of the nattering negativity days, and as it now turns out, one rife with hypocrisy.

When it comes to Victoria and the peculiar Geoff Shaw, Abbott is in a sprint to defend the new government led by a failed Opposition leader, not voted into power by the public, and a maverick who now holds the balance of power, even as he's being courted to return to the fold.

But if the Liberal party is as ostentatiously as ethical as it claims, should it want Shaw back in the fold?

Shaw, it will be remembered, distinguished himself in his maiden speech, as faithfully regurgitated by the Cornerstone Gospel Church here:

In taking my place in the Legislative Assembly it is appropriate for me to acknowledge the original owner of the land on which we stand – God, the Creator, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, the God of the Bible. What a blessing that the Creator has given us stewardship of this place, and what a responsibility we have to govern here in Victoria and govern well. Of course there are a number of references acknowledging God in Parliament. Parliament opens with the words of Jesus in the Lord’s Prayer and many take an oath, raising the Bible in their right hand. In 1900 the men who composed the Australian constitution wrote in the preamble: … humbly relying on the blessing of Almighty God …

Uh huh. There's an ironic touch there, right at the end with the mention of family, given the fuss about Shaw's family, but let it pass.

Strange that god seemed not to have given a second's thought about the lost southern land until the Dutch and the French laid their eyes on it, but even stranger is the difficulty Shaw seems to have sorting out that which belongs to Caesar and that which belongs to Shaw. 

Cue the use of his parliamentary car for his hardware business:

The matter was eventually forwarded to the Victorian Ombudsman George Brouwer who last October found Mr Shaw clocked up 8000km in his taxpayer-funded vehicle for his hardware business, including delivery runs as far Albury, Sale and Adelaide. 
 The Ombudsman also found two staff members had been allowed to use his parliamentary car for commercial purposes, and that Mr Shaw used at least $1350 in taxpayer-funded fuel for his business trips as well as filling his own car with taxpayer-funded fuel. 
 Mr Shaw's vehicle logbook had also been incorrectly filled out to indicate his parliamentary car was being used for private use while it was actually driven to Warrnambool for a private business trip, the Ombudsman found. (Geoff Shaw leaves a troubled legacy as he quits the Liberal Party).

But wait, there's more. After his maiden speech:

He soon attracted headlines for all the wrong reasons: having been charged over a violent assault, comparing homosexuals to child molesters and dangerous drivers, getting involved in a roadside punch-up, being rude to the mother of a teenager with Asperger syndrome, harassing his wife with a sign across a busy Frankton road after a domestic dispute in which police were called, among others.

Among others? Well the pond's favourite Shaw anecdote is also covered in that HUN story:

A fortnight after the Ombudsman handed down his findings Mr Shaw was caught simulating masturbation in the parliament and apparently labelling his Labor opponents ``wanker'' across the chamber. 
 Again he was backed to the hilt by his Liberal Party, which used the Premier's media unit to release a statement denying Mr Shaw had made the lewd hand gesture and had only been pointing and using the word ``whacker''. 
 Mr Shaw and his Party were caught out when footage of the incident was finally released, clearly showing the MP making the rude gesture in parliament despite Mr Baillieu continuing to say he couldn't be sure what the gesture meant.

Only a complete and utter wanker couldn't be quite sure what the gesture meant, so it's farewell to the big soft cuddly Teddy bear, and hello mutterings of attempts by Shaw to get the Victorian laws in relation to abortion overturned (the ones Pastor Danny said brought disaster and bushfire to the land).

We're now deeply mired in the world of cupcakes and fruitcakes, so we shouldn't omit the disgruntled Bill Tilley, forced to resign as police parliamentary secretary afrter an unfavourable Office of Police Integrity report (read about the coven of conspirators in Bombshell that ended Ted's rule).

So how do the Victorian Liberals respond to ratbags?

Frankston MP Geoff Shaw is likely to be offered a sweeping overhaul boosting the parliamentary superannuation scheme for recently elected MPs as part of a package of sweeteners to induce him back to the parliamentary Liberal Party. (Super sweetener for Shaw).

Yes, give unto Shaw that which is Caesars, and to hang with the rest of it.

Meanwhile the privileges committee investigating Shaw is stacked with people who depend on his vote for survival in government.

Quick Mr Abbott sprint for the door.

And don't forget that nosepeg, handy if you want to avoid the stench of the fundies assailing your nostrils.

Usually the pond would only see this as the standard corrupt circus of Australian politics, conservative as opposed to union variety, but there was something about the righteous, sanctimonious, holier than thou pious posturing of Tony Abbott that stuck in the craw, and now, given the chance to show that indeed he is righteous in an even-handed way, he's just as craven as the rest of the mob.

Naturally the commentariat will do their best to pass by in silence, perhaps using a little brown paper and vinegar to patch over the cracks ...

Enough already.

When it comes to the NBN, it will be recalled that Tony Abbott appointed Malcolm Turnbull to destroy the NBN.

Along the way, it was actually Tony Abbott's woeful ignorance of broadband technology that got demolished (oh the glory days of The five NBN misconceptions of Tony Abbott).

These days big Mal's talk is of doing it better, by condescendingly explaining how people really don't have much need of an eastern suburbs Roller when they'll be perfectly happy with a Datsun 120Y. All right for big Mal ...

But you have to hand it to The Australian, ever willing to maintain its crusade against modern broadband connectivity, by giving room to one Kevin Morgan.

Morgan has made a career out of becoming a tame pet for the conservative commentariat, touting his credentials as someone who served on Bomber Beazley's ministerial committee on telecom reform on behalf of the ACTU.

As if that meant anything, except that he must be of an age.

Morgan's latest outing for the lizard Oz (he also turns up at the Bolter and anywhere else ludditism is favoured) is ABC's man leaves objectivity on the cutting-room floor to spruik NBN (behind the paywall because the NBN threatens the feeble attempts of the loss-making rag to make a profit).

Morgan seems infatuated with copper, and takes the cudgel to Nick Ross of the ABC for making the obvious point that copper should now be set aside, and that over the years copper shows signs of age.

Morgan also claims that Telstra is still remediating its copper network.

Mr Morgan is kindly requested to spot a single Telstra technician in Camperdown/Newtown/Stanmore/Enmore  remediating the absolutely fucked copper network in the inner west of Sydney, where if it rains, the copper turns up its toes, and Telstra doesn't give a stuff.

The rest is astonishing, nit picking stuff, like this:

Ross may be confused about the practical value of the deal but he maintains it was "an extraordinary achievement" because "NBN Co managed to structurally separate Telstra meaning no more monopoly." 
 Again Ross has it wrong. Separation, such as it is, was enacted by legislation and Telstra has not actually been separated. 
 All Telstra has agreed to is to "preference" the NBN fibre network for 20 years and after that Telstra will be free to build its own fibre network, but in the interim the NBN Co has a monopoly.

Only a pedant of the most stupefyingly obscurantist kind would see any significance in the possibility of Telstra building its own fibre network, unless of course Turnbull gets a chance to gut the NBN by not delivering FTTH, in which case indeed, in due course Telstra might decide to improve things for big city players keen to get decent broadband by running fibre to the home.

But here's the whopper:

Under the heading "politics" in his January 23 blog on the ABC technology website, Ross makes no bones about his objective: "With it being election year, there is a great deal to be done in informing the public about the current NBN policy and the consequences of ditching it in favour of a Coalition alternative." 
 There we have it, an ABC employee sees absolutely nothing wrong in using the ABC website to sell government policy at the expense of the Coalition objectivity.

Say what?

Coalition objectivity?

From the coalition that set out to destroy the NBN, and which has, under Abbott, held broadband connectivity of a superior kind resolutely in contempt, through a nicely judged mix of ignorance, stupidity and attachment to nattering negativity.

So indeed there is a great deal to be done informing the public about the way FTTN is no solution at all.

It has to be said that at the moment the pond read "coalition objectivity",  the pond spat out a gush of milk and cornflakes (used to cut the muesli as you cut the purest heroin) and rolled around the kitchen table.

It turns out that just at this minute, as Morgan scribbles his tosh for the luddite lizard Oz, that polls continue to favour the NBN (56 per cent of Australians support NBN: poll, 82% of early stage residents back NBN).

It makes it all the more bizarre to see someone like Morgan still pining for Telstra maintaining the copper network, when he might just as well be muttering how Henry Ford really engineered the T-model to last.

The pond has absolutely no idea why Morgan bobs up all over the place, be it on Alan Jones or the Bolter, touting himself as a Bomber Beazley approved expert, but it surely is a teeth-grinding experience to read his gadfly abuse, all the more so as this post was composed on the grindingly slow, completely obtuse experience that Optus cares to call broadband.

The last thing the coalition needs to hear is talk of objectivity, along with yabbering on about the splendours of copper, when they should be working out ways to get themselves out of their self-designed box canyon.

A pox on him, and a pox on The Australian for maintaining the rage, when really the Opposition should be working out ways to sell a better NBN done more efficiently. Which won't involve copper ...

But it does give the pond an excuse to make amends.

The pond only ran an excerpt from First Dog's splendid calendar cartoon for April, leery of intellectual property rights, and was privately berated for chopping up a masterpiece, roughly akin to chopping off a penis and putting up a fig leaf like a Pope at the Vatican.

So here's the full text, but it's only to be read if you pay proper homage to First Dog, here - remember you need the calendar to remember Andrew Bolt is not not a dickhead day.

(Below: click to enlarge)