So many old songs from so many Johnny one notes ... and Gerard Henderson ...

(Above: so many same old songs. The pond blames Lady Gaga or those who produced the ten worst songs of 2012).


The pond had an enormous amount riding on the bet.

It wasn't just pride, though there was that too. There was the cash component, and the knowledge of the certain unendurable humiliation if Gerard Henderson failed the test. There'd be no rest, there'd be torture and repetitious reminders of how the pond got it wrong, how the pond was as blindly prejudiced about the commentariat as the commentariat was about the world.

And for a moment there, it seemed risky. After all, if you've listened to ABC radio these past few weeks, it's like dumpster diving into the past. Everyone's been on holidays, there have been lectures from Canada about Santa Claus and ice hockey, the regional folk have been given entree to the cities with folksy talk of rural events, there's been blather emanating from Newcastle and Canberra, and there's been much talk of the ABC acting as the source of information in relation to national emergencies, an heroic task which precluded new programming.

As for ABC television, it was like deja vu all over again. It's been as bland and as sanitised and as dull as the proverbial ditchwater.

On radio, to the pond's certain knowledge, episodes of Ira Glass have reached back over the years to as far as 2005. Only now is there a dribble of the first eleven returning to take up the reins.

The only thing to astonish the pond was the truly unique reference to a totally unique story about a really unique composer John Cage.

Could Gerard Henderson do it, could he dig up a reference to the ABC, that would satisfy the terms of the bet?

Well, yes he could, yes he can, and thank the long absent lord for Phillip Adams, as Henderson unloads a festering, sour, bitter lemony Julian Assange hate fest in Arrogant Assange digs his own rave with delusions of grandeur.

What's that you say? The pond has been as slack as the ABC, and done a typo in the header, by suggesting Assange has organised his own rave?

Not so, here is the digital evidence:

Yes, either the subbies at Fairfax are doing an ABC, or Henderson is making a cryptic reference to Assange's tendency to associate with techno enthusiasts deep in the forest. Or perhaps Iceland.

Is this Julian Assange at a rave, confirming Gerard Henderson's worst fears? Who knows, but here's the Adams' dig that saved the pond:

Many of the Assange fan club are equally deluded. During a soft interview on Late Night Live last month, Phillip Adams put it to the WikiLeaks founder that he was walking in the ''footsteps'' of the Cardinal Jozsef Mindszenty who spent 15 years in the American embassy in Budapest after fleeing his communist jailers during the Hungarian uprising in 1956. Mindszenty was a hero who was arrested by the fascist Iron Cross in 1944 and tortured by the communist dictatorship in 1948. As Anne Applebaum writes in Iron Curtain, Mindszenty is still admired today for ''his insistence upon the truth''. 
Assange is no Mindszenty.

Yes, the pond comfortably won the bet that Henderson would reference the ABC, and that it would be a negative response, using words like "soft interview", confirming his complete predictability, and inability to write any column without somehow dragging the ABC into the mix and into the mire.

Sure it was a month old reference, but then Adams has been on repeat, and it's a measure that Henderson would carry around in his portmanteau a reference to Adams' interview with Assange broadcast on 12th December 2012, which you can find here.

You see our brave Prufrock, our prattling Polonius has been doing some digging, some actual intrepid investigative reporting:

On Sunday I walked by Ecuador's embassy in London where the Australian computer hacker has sought, and obtained, diplomatic immunity. It was a cold morning and a solitary policeman stood at the embassy door. Across the street there was a police car and caravan which has been used as a base since Assange absconded while on bail last year. 
Otherwise, all was quiet on the Hans Crescent, Kensington, front. There was not a supporter of the WikiLeaks founder in sight. No Geoffrey Robertson or John Pilger or Jennifer Robinson or such international Assange barrackers as film director Ken Loach, model Bianca Jagger and singer Lady Gaga. 

Amazing, and Gerard Henderson was there to report it, and what's more Phillip Adams wasn't there either, which leads to an inevitable Hendersonian conclusion:

 Assange is just a bail-jumper who creates attention by threatening to sue Julia Gillard for defamation and by suggesting that he might run for the Senate. The absence of a support group outside his current digs on Sunday morning suggests that his celebrity status is diminishing.

Of course it might also have something to do with the way the US government has cut off all funding avenues, and managed to isolate Assange, with the complicity and assistance of the British and Australian governments, and speaking of celebrity status, it might be interesting to do a street poll and see which name is more recognisable ... Assange or Gerard Henderson.

But all that aside, what's most interesting is the purely reflex antagonism towards Assange and his predicament, as if he was a Roman Polanski, when surely the evidence led in the public domain in relation to Polanski was much more clear cut, and the behaviour of Hollywood celebrities towards the director much more deserving of a rant by Henderson.

Oh that's a bit unfair you say, dragging in a red herring like that, but it's actually pure Henderson, as you can read:

It is impossible to imagine that Assange would be regarded as such a hero if he were an anti-government right-wing blogger who had declined to be questioned in Sweden about sexual assault, following allegations by two left-wing feminists.

Actually, it is possible to imagine.

If a right-wing blogger happened to be treated the way that Bradley Manning has been treated, for example, it would be easy to feel sympathy for his plight, because even the judge involved in that case decided to knock a grand 112 days off any prison sentence if Manning happened to be convicted, because of the way he's been treated, confined to a windowless cell for 23 hours a day, sometimes without clothing, and so on (Judge rules any sentence for Private Bradley Manning over WikiLeaks be reduced).

In the real world, if not blinded by ideology or a fear and loathing of Ken Loach and Lady Gaga, it all depends. It is possible to imagine people standing up to government whatever their alleged political stripe, and being done over by government, whatever their alleged political stripe.

What's really interesting is the way that Henderson assumes a submissive position in relation to government.

Now there's no need to go into dog psychology on the matter, though it is interesting that dogs require everyone to be either dominant or submissive (or so the dog whisperer tells me here).

Henderson is a classic government submissive, just waiting for an authoritarian to lead:

Assange's overwhelming narcissism represents a threat to himself. It is possible that Assange would not be in his current predicament if he had treated the Swedish women in a less arrogant manner. It's much the same with his attitude to authority. No realistic person would expect to succeed by arrogantly confronting the Swedish and British governments and expecting both to surrender in the face of acrimonious attack.

Oh good boy Hendo, good boy. Quick, roll over and the pond will give you a tummy rub.

It seems there's absolutely no point in standing up to government, and worse still being arrogant or acrimonious about it, when you should just be a good quiet boy and sit in the corner in your special corner.

The point of course is that in Hendo's world, uncertainty and doubt aren't allowed. There's no point questioning the US, the Australian, the British or the Swedish government, or the peculiar way that the Swedish authorities handled the case, or refused any kind of compromise, of the kind that they'd allowed in the past on other matters.

What was missing from Assange's sermon on the balcony was any recognition that his discontents are caused by the allegations of sexual misconduct made against him. They are not caused by the American, Australian or British governments. Assange may, or may not, be wanted in the US. If extradition is sought, then he is just as likely to be deported from Britain as from Sweden.

Indeed. And what is missing from Henderson's sermon is any recognition that it is surely not just a matter of alleged sexual misconduct that constitutes the whole of the matter, and that blithe statements about being wanted, or not wanted in the US is just a fudging, a circumlocution, right up there with the behaviour of the dissembling US government in the matter.

The Swedish matters have been canvassed extensively and Henderson's assertion - that it's all Assange's fault, and that he's entirely responsible for his predicament is grand, but also half-baked.

The pond is ambivalent in the matter of Assange, and hasn't any time for Adams, but equally there's no overlooking Wikileaks, or the desire of governments everywhere to shut it down and nail Assange.

To overlook these aspects, and treat it all as simply a matter of a sexual misconduct and celebrity status is deliberately demeaning of Henderson. It's a pity Assange has ended up in his current company and situation, but there's a certain dreary logic to it.

If his fears came to pass, it'd be too late to do anything once the Swedish government (or the British for that matter) shipped him off to the United States. And if that happened, would Gerard Henderson be out on the streets, protesting, showing he's not just a street savvy investigative reporter but a fighter for truth and justice?

In your dreams. Roll over Hendo, oh there's a good boy, you want another government tummy rub?

Are all conservatives like this? Do they really think that it only matters when alleged left-wingers are persecuted? Is that because it's alleged right wingers that consistently do all the persecuting? Does this mean that Obama and his drones are allied with David Cameron and Fredrik Reinfeldt? Presumably they are, at least if you can judge by the willingness of that trio of governments willingness to sell arms to dictatorships (the Swedes are particularly adept at that corrupt game) ...

But what's really interesting is the way that Hendo slags off the ABC as an arm of government, while assuming the submissive position in relation to government.

A bit like the submissive position any dog would take in relation to government, a bit like the assumption that governments are doing the best by their citizenry by their routine war-mongering, a bit like the assumption that it's all entirely Assange's fault, and that the Swedish and US governments have had absolutely nothing to do with his current predicament.

Never mind, it's an entirely selfish response by the pond, because we won our bet. Let anyone who dares to bet that Henderson won't make a reference to the ABC in his next column know now ... you're on a hiding to nothing.

And now thanks to Rodgers and Hart and their 1937 musical Babes in Arms, a tribute to Henderson's monomania.

Feel free to amend the lyrics as required as you sing along, because it turns out that you can apply the one-note perspective to anything you like. Assange, politics, the world really:


Gerard could only sing one note
And the note he sings was this
Ah! Bloody soft ABC ...

Poor Gerard one-note 
And just overlorded the place
Poor Gerry one-note 
yelled willy nilly
Until he was bleu in the face
For holding one note was his ace
Couldn’t hear the brass
Couldn’t hear the drum
He was in a class
By himself, by gum!

Poor Johnny one-note
Got in Aida
Indeed a great chance to be brave
He took his one note
Howled like the North Wind
Brought forth wind that made critics rave,
While Verdi turned round in his grave!

Couldn’t hear the flute
Or the big trombone
Ev’ry one was mute
Johnny stood alone.

Cats and dogs stopped yapping
Lions in the zoo
All were jealous of Johnny's big trill
Thunder claps stopped clapping,
Traffic ceased its roar,
And they tell us Niag’ra stood still.
He stopped the train whistles,
Boat whistles, 
steam whistles,
Cop whistles, 
all whistles bowed to his skill

Sing Johnny One-Note,
Sing out with "gusto" and
Just overwhelm all the crowd
Ah!
So sing Johnny One-Note, out loud!!
Sing Johnny One-Note
Sing Johnny One-Note out loud!
Couldn’t hear the brass
Couldn’t hear the drum
He was in a class
By himself, by gum!
Poor Johnny one-note
Got in Aida
Indeed a great chance to be brave
He took his one note
Howled like the North Wind
Brought forth wind that made critics rave,
While Verdi turned round in his grave!

Couldn’t hear the flute
Or the big trombone
Ev’ry one was mute
Johnny stood alone.

Cats and dogs stopped yapping
Lions in the zoo
All were jealous of Johnny's big trill
Thunder claps stopped clapping,
Traffic ceased its roar,
And they tell us Niag’ra stood still.
He stopped the train whistles,
Boat whistles, 
steam whistles,
Cop whistles, 
all whistles bowed to his skill

Sing Johnny One-Note,
Sing out with "gusto" and
Just overwhelm all the crowd
Ah!
So sing Johnny One-Note, out loud!!
Sing Johnny One-Note
Sing Johnny One-Note out loud!
Poor Johnny one-note
Got in Aida
Indeed a great chance to be brave
He took his one note
Howled like the North Wind
Brought forth wind that made critics rave,
While Verdi turned round in his grave!
Couldn’t hear the flute
Or the big trombone
Ev’ry one was mute
Johnny stood alone.

Cats and dogs stopped yapping
Lions in the zoo
All were jealous of Johnny's big trill
Thunder claps stopped clapping,
Traffic ceased its roar,
And they tell us Niag’ra stood still.
He stopped the train whistles,
Boat whistles, 
steam whistles,
Cop whistles, 
all whistles bowed to his skill

Sing Johnny One-Note,
Sing out with "gusto" and
Just overwhelm all the crowd
Ah!
So sing Johnny One-Note, out loud!!
Sing Johnny One-Note
Sing Johnny One-Note out loud!
Couldn’t hear the flute
Or the big trombone
Ev’ry one was mute
Johnny stood alone.
Cats and dogs stopped yapping
Lions in the zoo
All were jealous of Johnny's big trill
Thunder claps stopped clapping,
Traffic ceased its roar,
And they tell us Niag’ra stood still.
He stopped the train whistles,
Boat whistles, 
steam whistles,
Cop whistles, 
all whistles bowed to his skill

Sing Johnny One-Note,
Sing out with "gusto" and
Just overwhelm all the crowd
Ah!
So sing Johnny One-Note, out loud!!
Sing Johnny One-Note
Sing Johnny One-Note out loud!
Cats and dogs stopped yapping
Lions in the zoo
All were jealous of Johnny's big trill
Thunder claps stopped clapping,
Traffic ceased its roar,
And they tell us Niag’ra stood still.
He stopped the train whistles,
Boat whistles, 
steam whistles,
Cop whistles, 
all whistles bowed to his skill
Sing Johnny One-Note,
Sing out with "gusto" and
Just overwhelm all the crowd
Ah!
So sing Johnny One-Note, out loud!!
Sing Johnny One-Note
Sing Johnny One-Note out loud!
Sing Johnny One-Note,
Sing out with "gusto" and
Just overwhelm all the crowd
Ah!
So sing Johnny One-Note, out loud!!
Sing Johnny One-Note
Sing Johnny One-Note out loud!

By golly, they weren't afraid of lyrics in the old days.