Teresa Gambaro, and see how the sharks circle such a swell smeller ...

(Above: read all about it here. Oh yes, there's a "sharks interactive" featuring hot spots, tips to avoid an attack, stories of survival, and the three deadliest sharks of all, not including News Ltd journalists and members of the commentariat).

And behind the headline, what have we learned?

(a) respect for the political awareness and insight of Australian sharks continues to grow;

(b) nothing happens in Australia in January;

(c) AAP and the Australian media conspire to revive the Golden Eggbeater award for reporting of coincidences.

(d) where would the Murdoch press be without sharks and crocodiles, and possibly Lara Bingle?

The pond is now in a position to report that moments after the pond drove through south western Sydney a drive-by shooting took place. Now you might retort that as drive-by shootings are scheduled to take place daily this means absolutely nothing, but likely that means you're the sort of cynic who suggests with a sly, hollow laugh that can find politicians and sharks and reporters in the ocean any day of the week.

Meanwhile, the pond is ecstatic that the coalition has discovered a new contender for the Sophie Mirabella hot seat, because sad to say, Mirabella has not been up to the job lately (perhaps she read Vexnews vexing Losing it: Sophie Mirabella gets a much-need holiday).

Step forward Teresa Gambaro, opposition spokeswoman on citizenship, and speak on the urgent need for wogs, spics, spivs, foreigners, outsiders, strangers, itinerants, boat people, bludgers, ne'er do well non Aussie noi nois, and such like to fit into Australian culture on issues such as health, hygiene and lifestyle:

"Without trying to be offensive, we are talking about hygiene and what is an acceptable norm in this country when you are working closely with other co-workers," Ms Gambaro told The Australian.

Without being offensive, we understand only too well how foreigners stink up the workplace with their armpits and their crotches and their pushy ways ...

She said practices such as wearing deodorant and not pushing in when lining up were "about teaching what are norms in Australia". "You hear reports of people using public transport (without deodorant) and I think Australian residents are guilty of this too," she said. "I think we all need to be mindful of our fellow traveller. Sometimes these things are not talked about because people find them offensive but if people are having difficulty getting a job, for instance, it may relate to their appearance and these things need to be taken into account." (eek, it's a link to The Australian, but we have to source the quote to its native home here).

Teresa Gambaro? She's from Queensland, don't you know, shopped direct to the public ...

Up until this very day, the pond confesses to having not the faintest clue about Gambaro, but we like the cut of her jib.

The sweet, heavily perfumed and powdered spokesperson was just doing her level best to help Scott Morrison kick the multicultural can along the road a little further:

Ms Gambaro's comments came a day after Coalition immigration spokesman Scott Morrison told The Australian temporary immigrants were not integrating into the broader Australian community. Mr Morrison said the government's multicultural strategy was failing because it was too obsessed with "symbolism" and government-funded English language courses were not teaching immigrants properly.

Indeed. For a start, none of them seem to have the first clue about the use of soaps, unguents, perfumes, and at a pinch, baby powders ... and not one has read the Song of Solomon!

Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes;
your name is like perfume poured out.
No wonder the young women love you!

Yes men, it's okay to fragrance up, though if it's with Brut, the exit door is just to your right.

Ms. Gambaro was full of incisive plans:

... Ms Gambaro said cultural awareness training was desperately needed for immigrants to help them enjoy life in Australia more fully. "The detail of this has to be worked out -- whether it's included as part of a visa charge for certain industries or done through a labour-hire firm," she said, adding there were going to be problems as more workers arrived in Australia. "You are going to have a whole pile of people coming in," she said. "If you're a mining company you'll have a whole pile of people coming in from India or China or anywhere else you need to have socially skilled workers.

First up mate, forget that several thousand years of curry eating and exquisite Chinese cuisine, they make your farts smell kinda funny. Why not try a dead fly with lashings of dead horse? That'll get your farts fit for an Australian sitcom ...

Yep, the pond is standing by, ready to inculcate into foreigners the Australian conception of pong.

For some bizarre reason, the Oz report felt the need to note that in the last financial year some 90,120 457 temporary visas were granted (up there with the 113,725 visas issued for permanent skilled migration), thereby conflating Gambaro's comments with people turning up to work and an actual job, and compounding Gambaro's vision of the scum littering the street without a suds soap with gainfully employed folk where the HR people could take a view on bathing habits.

But never mind, the hapless Gambaro was soon caught up in a foul-smelling storm, and was soon forced into fetid swamp of apologies.

You could fill yourself full of Gambaro follow-ups:

MP Teresa Gambaro sorry for saying migrants don't know how to wear deodorant or queue

Skilled migrants need to be taught about hygiene, says Liberal Teresa Gambaro

Oh it brough Madhu Bhatia out of the closet in Migrant remarks on the nose (forced ad at end of link) and Jill Singer kicked in with Hysteria stinks to high heaven, and naturally Tory Shepherd gave Gambaro a left upper cut at The Punch in Using deodorant and other great Aussie traditions.

Naturally SBS chipped in, with Gambaro 'sorry' for offending migrants, digging up an Indian taxi driver who's meticulous about his cab's cleanliness, and who's forced to deal with late night dinki dis going the barf in the back ...

Oh there was idle chatter about the bathing habits of English folk, who are high on the list of 457s - as if there was something wrong with a bath a week and once a fortnight in winter - and lordy the story even reached the New Zealand Herald, MP says migrants should be taught to wear deodorant, where rumour has it that in the south island, a coating of kiwi oil will keep away the smells for a year ...

Dammit, even Warren Truss got into the act in Migrant comments earn MP a rebuke, as if somehow smelling of sheep dags was un-Australian ...

And all this fuss for Gambaro valiantly drawing attention to a growing crisis in the Australian way of life! And for doing her little bit to promote the use of perfumes and powders, as prescribed in the bible!

What she needs is a steadfast member of the commentariat to point out the usefulness of her insights. Perhaps Jacqueline Maley might come forward in the Sydney Morning Herald, given the skills and insight on view in Keep your cool to give tolerance a chance (forced ad at other end of link).

Ever vigilant, Maley is on hand to defend the Libra advertisement sending up trannies to promote its product amongst women.

It seems that sending up trannies shitless is perfectly fine, and certainly not offensive and homophobic - more a payback for The Adventures of Priscilla - but Gambaro has jumped the shark:

No one denies that bigotry exists, and that it is uncool. Also uncool are ill-considered statements by otherwise well-meaning people that nonetheless stereotype certain social groups (Teresa Gambaro, I'm looking at you).

Oh dear Teresa, it's looking bad. Why even the valiant Maley, ever ready to attack the war on Father's Day, which is just as bad as the war on Xmas and Sant sand the replacement of traditional Yuletide greetings with the anodyne 'Happy Holydays' has to draw the line somewhere, and you, Teresa Gambaro are the line.

Here's a thought Teresa. Next time you want to remark on people smelling, restrict yourself to trannies and all will be well with Mabey at least.

And yet, and yet. Here at the pond, we understand. We know you were really only continuing on a grand Liberal party tradition, which we can trace back to Ming the Merciless, and while your actual name and family status is a tad awkward, we were at once flung back to the grand days of They're a Weird Mob.

Here he is, Sir Robert Menzies himself, explaining why we need a homogenous society, in a YouTube history of the first thirty years of Australian television.

Happily Ming the Merciless starts off the clip - the rest of the clip is about Australian television, so nod off or switch off as you like, and who knows, the link might only be up and smelling sweetly for a short time ...