Of Barnaby Joyce, Jesus, starfish, Michael Jackson's doctor, spiders, Arnie, loincloths, the bitterest pill, and the impending storm to come ...

(Above: Julia Gillard? Surely not).

"You will wear your flagrant breach of promise to the Australian people like a crown of thorns!" thundered Senator George Brandis.

Julia Gillard as Jesus? But where's the vinegar and the spear? And does that make George some kind of evil Roman tormenting, and jabbing away at, a long suffering martyr?

Maybe she's just laying waste to the Great Barrier Reef like that pesky starfish:

Well it is a crown of thorns, but it's a tad hard to wear.

Sorry, George, too confusing. Piffle. Idle rhetoric from a mere contender.

As always, we turn to Barners for the best:

"We've had pious Penny Wong and gravitas Greg Combet coming out here telling [us] if we don't do this, the kiddies will drown in sea level rises or instantaneously combust or get eaten alive by spiders," he told reporters.

You see George, that's how it's done. Spiders and drowning and instantaneous combustion, just like the spontaneous combustion Charles Dickens celebrated in Bleak House.

Come on Barners, keep showing the right stuff:

"It's on the same day as the Michael Jackson doctor's trial and it's about on a par in the sort of Hollywood and fantasy and the hysteria that has been whipped up around it." (here).

Ah yes, a carbon tax and Michael Jackson doctor's trial.

Dead set ringers ... and even he seems confused by the implications of a carbon tax.

Nice work Barners, but come on, keep it coming, really lay into it:

"That's it for the steel industry, goodnight Irene... we don't need Wollongong anymore, we don't need Whyalla anymore." (here).

Lead Belly? Lordy, Barners wasn't he a common criminal? Couldn't you at least have sung "farewell Aunty Jack ... we don't know when you'll be back"? It's the Gong's national anthem ...

Come on Barners, come on:

We are more guided by Al Gore than by common sense and the chambers of this building have become fascinated with a highly naïve view that disregards the reality that we are merely 32 billion dollars away from our debt ceiling, the point at which on presentation of the nation’s credits card the checkout operator will say “transaction declined - see bank for details”.

Yes, a bankrupt nation, perilously close to doom. And how alarming to discover that tellers have now turned into checkout operators, and the nation has a credit card - unlike the bulk of Australians who never use a credit card - and for less than the cost of the NBN we'll be reduced to loincloths and ashes (or should that be sackloth, made out of coarse and uncomfortable goat or camel-hair?)

There's nothing like reducing the complexity of a middling nation's finances to a vexatious check out chick acting on behalf of a snooty, superior, judgmental bank manager.

Now for the capper:

Yet today will end in a back slapping, hugging, kiss-a-thon that will be the bitterest of pill for those away from Parliament House who make the ultimate payment on this absurd tax. (here)

Yes, yes, cooking with gas Barners, that'd be the bitterest pill the Jam had to swallow:

The bitterest pill

Is mine to take

If I took it for a hundred years

I couldn't fee any more ill.

But now you can't let George Brandis get away with his epic understanding of the Judaic-Christian rhetorical tradition. Just one reference and the rhetorical crown (sans thorns) is yours:

I will now hand over to my deputy and other members of the team.

Say what? Is that wise?

This is the greatest sell out. Windsor is the greatest sell out since Judas Iscariot's 30 pieces of silver.

Oh no Barners, you let Ron Boswell have the best line.

A line he liked so well he said it a couple of times:

RON BOSWELL, NATIONALS SENATOR: It is the greatest sell-out since Judas Iscariot took 30 pieces of silver. (here).

Frankly Barners, up against Michael Jackson's doctor and the spiders, Judas wins hands down. Have you got anything else?

We have found today that the reason that Greens are in such a bunrush is that they have to go up to Durban and meet up with Leonardo Di Caprio, Angelina Jolie, and Bono from U2, and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

No, that's not working for me Barners, because the next thing you know, some goose will be ripping into Tony Abbott for cutting and running from the carbon tax vote (Abbott 'cutting and running' from carbon tax vote), and heading off to London to meet up with John Howard, as if they couldn't get together down under ...

And Arnold Schwarzenegger was a Republican governor. Is it so wrong to rush off to meet a Republican?

Maybe something about girding the loins. It's one of the pond's favourite sayings, what with its discreet evocation of the human genitals, and the Romans using it to mean tying the lower garments between the legs to increase mobility in battle, and anyway images of Arnold Schwarzenegger in a loin cloth are certain to flash before our eyes. Come on down Conan:

Or is that a codpiece? Lordy, whatever it looks, it looks like the loins are girded.

Besides, the loin is a really nice cut of meat, what with the tenderloin and the sirloin (forget that talk of rump), so the pond recommends girding the loins, because it's at one with the King James version, which is always on about loins, and loincloths, and the covering up of the loins, and the fruit of the loins, and generally can be said to be very loinish:

JOURNALIST – Isn’t it time you conceded defeat?
BARNABY JOYCE – No it’s not, absolutely not, our people would hold us in absolute contempt if we were step back from the battle that is before us. We will absolutely, excuse the operatics, "gird our loins" because we are going to make sure this is taken to the election. The Australian people have a right to have a referendum on this, it is still coming, it is the election and at the election they will have the chance to have their say as to whether our nation should be run by the Australian Greens or run by the Australian people, as to whether we should be guided by Al Gore or guided by the promises our Prime Minister makes. (here)

No need to excuse the operatics Barners. That 'gird the loins' routine makes you the rhetorical winner, done and dusted.

Hang on a moment, the judges are looking startled. What's that? Nigel Scullion is making a late entry by linking it all to the fate of the first Australians, who've been doing so well these last few decade and now will be utterly ruined by the carbon price?

... sadly over the last few days this government has trodden roughshod over a process that might have been able to ventilate and might have been able to amend this awful tax to ensure that our first Australians particularly aren’t as impacted as much as they will be.

Oh dear Barners, and he delivered it with crocodile tears so large the audience of journos broke into weeping, and a collective singing of The Walrus and the Carpenter:

"I weep for you," the Walrus said:
"I deeply sympathize."
With sobs and tears he sorted out
Those of the largest size,
Holding his pocket-handkerchief
Before his streaming eyes.

That's stronger than Michael Jackson's doctor, and right up there with loincloths.

The pond suggests a last, desperate strategy that rarely fails.

Put on your very best Charlton Heston look:

No, not that Charlton Heston look, it's a bit loinish, and there's a touch of kinkiness. Try this:

Yes, that's the look. Now deliver your last ominous line:

BARNABY JOYCE – That impending storm is a sign of things to come.

Ah yes, the thunderstorm that swept through the east as a sign of the times, and now we await the plague of frogs (cane toads excluded).

A last question. Does any of this have anything to do with accepting the weight of evidence in relation to climate science?

... it’s not a decision on whether you believe in global warming or you don’t, that is not the issue.

Well played Barners, as we knew all along, science is always just a matter of faith and belief, and some of the cranks and the quacks believe in Michael Jackson, while others want to gird their loins.

And don't forget the spiders!

(Below: eek, it's a price on carbon. Can nothing stop it?)