As Qantas totters a little bit of dinky di Aussie life-saving will fix what ails ya ...

(Above: when in doubt, always book the horse and cart).

Wonders never cease on the pond - the world is a wondrous place - and one of the wonders of the commentariat world this morning, right up there with the Taj Mahal, is Field Marshall Grumpy Paul Sheehan (known to some as trollumnist in chief of Fairfax) scribbling Spirit of Australia is faltering.

After a ritual bashing of pilots, and of Qantas International, and of Tony Sheldon, and of the Fair Work Act, Sheehan then discovers that in a domestic context Virgin is unionised and at industrial peace with its staff while paying relatively similar rates ...

Cognitive dissonance.

So Sheehan spends the rest of his column working out that Qantas management might have found a more subtle way to resolve its industrial issues than strand, without warning or suitably structured assistance, thousands of customers around the world.

It must have been some kind of Eureka moment ... and it leads Sheehan to compare and contrast the board decision to appoint the confrontational Alan Joyce, as opposed to John Borgetti, now heading up Virgin Blue, and to wonder if the board made the right call in appointing Joyce. Wonders will never cease ...

Sheehan even comprehends that amongst all the crimes by all involved, the worst belongs to Joyce. You can't call unions and unionists greedy - though they might well be - if you've just supped at the trough of greed yourself, and taken a mighty big slurp at that. It leaves you fatally compromised in negotiations.

Better to have righteously turned down the offer, made it known you'd turned down the offer, then bashed the unions around the head for their greed, then stick out your paw six months or a year down the track, or do a Dixon and take the cheque on the way out the door ...

So it's left to John Lloyd of the Institute of Public Affairs to carry the ideological can at Fairfax, in Airline fracas is IR blister waiting to burst, and blame it all on the government and unions and Fair Work, proving that wonders, like rainbows, only happen every so often, and zealotry and ideological blinkers usually reign supreme ...

In the process, proving you head off to the IPA if you don't have the first clue about management. Perhaps they could offer Joyce a gig as head of the place and so help out Qantas?

It takes a special kind of blindness to think that any party involved in the dispute can walk away heads held high, and think it's all the fault of the Federal Government ...

But enough of the Qantas dispute, which has produced an enormous media frenzy, of little interest to those who've who long ago made the long haul jump to the likes of Singapore Airlines, and the short haul jump to Virgin.

It's only an airline, not the spirit of Australia - unless Australia is totally fucked - and if Joyce wants to re-invent it as a low cost Asian carrier competing with other low cost Asian carriers, its days are already numbered ... especially as Joyce and the unions go about the business of trashing the brand with a ferocity even their competitors couldn't manage ...

No, with the news from Afghanistan bad yet again, as Australian soldiers go about the business of training locals in the business of killing them, the pond felt in need of a lighter moment to start the week, so come on down Rowan Dean's Islam soft-sell has got legs, but note the fine print.

It seems that local Muslims, courtesy of MyPeace, have embarked on an advertising campaign to overcome branding problems which are even bigger than Qantas.

If you watch the campaign, it seems Islam is as dinky di as vegemite and lifesavers (and once upon a time a comely Qantas hostie ...)

And across the aisle, the Christians are also mounting an advertising campaign, Jesus - All About Life.

Yep, it's advertising agencies at ten paces, and you couldn't get a better insight into the wretched level religion has fallen to in the community, but not to worry, the pond felt compelled and trotted off to the mypeace site, and the top ten misconceptions about Islam.

Sadly the top ten conception that religion doesn't care about typos or good grammar was quickly confirmed, but the misconceptions also proved to be a marvel:

A child is also not allowed to get hit in the face or hit by anything larger than a pencil.

Well that'll be a great relief to children everywhere. Jeeves bring me a pencil, so I can strike that child on its naughty buttocks. Even better:

Children are even permitted to take moderately from their parent?s wealth to sustain themselves if the parent declines to give them proper funds for living.

Yep kiddies, make sure you get the pin number, head off to the auto teller and claim your proper funds for living, if your parents fail in their duty of care ...

Meanwhile, the rulers of Saudi Arabia are in for a shock:

There is nothing in Islam that forbids a Muslim woman from exiting her house and is allowed to drive. Also in regards to education, a woman is obligated to seek knowledge and it is considered a sin if she refuses.

Wouldn't you know it, all those sinful women living in Saudi Arabia. Which is why a few might snigger at:

Islam has given women more rights than any other religion on the face of the planet which is the main reason why the majority of converts to Islam are women.

Well Islam might do it, but it's a damn shame that all those Islamic countries seem not to have realised that's what Islam does.

And as for that notion of jihad?

... it is believed that anyone doing anything for the sake of god and is killed becomes a martyr. A person who dies while performing pilgrimage in Mecca, a woman who dies while giving birth, or even someone who dies in a car crash while he was on his way to the mosque are all considered martyrs.

Hmm, is catching Sydney transport the stuff to turn a Sydney sider into a martyr? What about being stranded by Qantas? Is that the short cut to heaven?

And then there are the ten rules of warfare every Muslim army must obey, including:

7. Do not harm or burn trees
8. Do not destroy buildings
9. Do not destroy an enemy?s flock, unless you use it for your food

Tree huggers! An army of greens, though perhaps not as vegan as they should be .... who could have imagined an IED would be so discerning?

But it's the historical revisionism that most appeals. Contrast ...

Historian De lacey O?Leary states ?History makes it clear however, that the legend of fanatical Muslims sweeping through the world and forcing Islam at the point of the sword upon conquered races is one of the most fantastically absurd myths that historians have ever repeated.? There is no record in history that shows people being forced by sword point to convert to Islam. When Islam spread through countries they would set up private churches and synagogues for the non Muslims they were governing and because of the good treatment they had received they themselves would convert.

with Steven Runciman's thoughts:

The first point to be made in defense of the Crusades is that they were initially a response to Islamic aggression. Islam, from its inception, had espoused the use of force. Where Jesus had died for his beliefs, the Prophet Mohammed had wielded a sword. Though Christianity was later to be exploited for political ends, the Christian religion as such had, in the first three centuries of its existence, spread peacefully--thriving, in fact, on the blood of its martyrs. I say this not to score a point in favor of Christianity but to emphasize an historical truth: The spread of Islam from the Arabian peninsula to southwestern France in the eighth century; and to the gates of Vienna in the seventeenth, came as a result of conquest by Islamic armies.

You see, there is a record of Islam sweeping through the world, especially in the early days and often at the point of a sword.

Perhaps it's a misconception of the pond, but it seems that first of all you need an army to take a territory before you can set up a privately funded mosque so that the locals can of their own free will convert, or find out what happens when you stay an unbeliever ...

Well there are other misconceptions, including the notion that all Muslims are Arabs and Muslims hate Jesus, and Muslims are terrorists, all dealt with in fine style, but truth to tell, if they'd sorted out the misconception that Muslims use ? instead of an ' or a ", things would have been a lot clearer ...

Sadly, after all these wonders, it was a tad disappointing to head off the Jesus. All About Life Campaign site, and read the following ...

Jesus didn't come to start an institution or an organisation ...

... followed by a list of the seventeen institutions, denominations and organisations supporting the campaign.

Ah well, it took our minds off the darker news of the day, and by slagging off Islam, it allow the pond a religious trifecta, and in this holiest of weeks, the feast of the Melbourne Cup, that's what counts ...

(Below: come on guys, get with the advertising campaign. First of all, you need to study lifesaving, add a touch of sun tanning lotion ...

and bingo, Bob's your uncle. The Alan Joyce of Aussie beaches).


Next thing you know, we could all become latter day Edie Kiefts ...

Edie Kieft?

Edie Kieft was possibly the first woman to qualify for the Surf Bronze Medallion in Australia. Although she passed the test with Tweed Heads and Coolangatta SLSC in 1923, and was given a bronze number, she was not awarded a medal because she was female.

By golly, it seems the Islamic tradition is strong in Australian lifesaving. And the dress is suitably modest too:

Keep it up MyPeace, I can feel the hunger of Australian males to return to the old ways and the good old days ...