In which the pond must cope with nattering "Ned" and the inane dog botherer ...

Being deeply perverse, the pond voted this the funniest, silliest story of the reptile week, and without even bothering to read it. 

The Poms are pissing off to little Britain to leave Europe to its own devices, Donald Trump is conspiring with Vlad the impaler to degut Europe and NATO, and consorts with Erdogan, who has gone rogue, and is buying Russian weapons and waving his thumb at NATO, and somehow it's all the fault of the perfidious French??!! And all this has been encouraged by Fox and Friends and assorted Chairman Rupert minions??

They've never really forgiven or forgotten Napoleon, have they? And somehow the pond must set aside its contempt for Cromwell, but what fun to see the perfidious Poms living in a mindless Boyes vacuum …as they drift off into irrelevance, and Vlad wins the Brexit day …such a big reward, and for such a small investment of time, money and trolls ...

But alongside sublime comedy came the lowest forms of reptile life …

Actually, the fire victims were likely human beings … but when it comes to being contemptible, nobody can do contempt like Barners … though to be fair, the lunatic dog botherer makes a good companion …

We've all been there before ….

  

And soon enough, the reptiles were hard at it, politicising the science, mixing up greenies, leftists, feminists, the patriarchy and all that stuff, in the usual rabid reptile way …

 

Yes, it's all the fault of the greenies … even the hippies can't stand the bushfire-encouraging greenies …

And so on and on, and so to the weekend, and again the reptiles were out in force …

Meanwhile, George Orwell could be found at work in NSW …

Sssh, don't mention the war ...

And what do you know? The reptiles were confused, climate scientists were confused, everyone was confused …

But it's true, we're learning much from this bushfire season … never give a reptile inch, never seek shelter, never surrender … maintain the rage and the denialism, though perhaps it's best done by sending out the reptile finest to sow confusion and chaos …

Dear sweet long absent lord, the pond is already feeling faint from just reading all the reptile headlines … must the pond now endure the likes of the oscillating fan, and nattering Ned, and the dog botherer for weekend torture?

Well at least the pond can forego the sight of the oscillating fan piously wringing his paws, because when nattering "Ned" gets a nattering, pond readers faint or flee, or sigh, or go off to do something useful … and that, after all, is the point of the pond, rather like the castor oil that the pond used to be fed as a child. Get well, or you'll have to keep swallowing this shit until you do …

And so there's nothing for it, but to plunge in, and if stray readers drop by the wayside, the pond doesn't blame them. They've got well, and may abandon "Ned's" castor oil …

Yes, it's all just politics, and the pond knows what some desperate readers will be thinking. Likely the pond will drop a few cartoons into the mix, like the jelly beans the pond used to get when visiting the chemist to buy another gallon of cod liver oil to fix what ailed it …

You know … like an infallible Pope, now hidden behind a paywall, and making a link meaningless …

Sorry, there'll be no more jelly beans for quite a while. The pond must ration them sparingly … here, have another dose of "Ned" quality pure castor oil ...

By golly, for a second there, the pond thought that the old thunderer had made a mistake: "Climate change is going to shake the foundations of contemporary society. It is touching nearly every aspect of life."

Say what? Could "Ned" be straying in his natter? Could he be drummed out of the reptile climate denialist club?

Not really, the entire point is to wring the hands, extemporise, dither and delay, and explain the pointlessness of being cruel to pure, clean, dinkum Oz coal, oi, oi, oi … h

How could anything Australia do matter? Why bother? Joel is on side, it's all the greenies' fault, and poseurs of the Qantas kind are just leading everyone down the garden path to look at Conan Doyle's fairies ...

Saving the planet? Well, we all know that the reptiles don't give a fig about such pitiful moral justifications …not when boring people to death with the endless, nauseating swishing of cancer-inducing windmills can match the drone of nattering "Ned" in full flight …

Remember, there's a backlash coming, andy it's all the fault of the greenies, and Angus, the incompetent, bungling Angus, is the deliverer of the gospel … and let's not forget to get on board the Canavan caravan ...

Ah dear sweet clean dinkum Oz coal, oi, oi, oi, how could anyone forsake thee?

What's that, people are begging for at least one more infallible jelly bean, just because the conversation has turned to policy?

You're welcome, burn woke ravings burn, but remember too many jelly beans, and your teeth will rot, as surely as you can get mind rot by swallowing cod liver oil or reading nattering "Ned" ...

Indeed, indeed, nothing has happened this week to change anyone's heart or mind. Full speed ahead with Stalinism, because deep down the reptiles love strong, decisive Stalinist leadership ...

Uh huh … but what's to stop the pond from urging a boycott of all reptile products? Of banning the lizard Oz from your home or your computer? Of cutting the Foxtel cable, of severing the Sky news connection?

Of running wild and free, and if you must have a sampling of reptile droppings or "Ned's" mindless natterings, why it's the pond's pleasure to remind you of what you're missing … which is to say sweet fuck all, or yet another tablespoon of castor or cod liver oil ...

The last word left to prime Angus beef? Well that figures, because a more incompetent member of the government couldn't be imagined, but at least his brother is doing well, and that's something to treasure…

And now, how about a palate cleanser?

Okay, that's just by way of reminding the pond that it caught Lord "deep state" Downer on the ABC this week, another reminder of how the ABC is allowing these foppish deep staters to saunter about in a shameless fashion …

Whatever happened to the ABC?

Never mind, now buoyed by the castor oil high, and the jelly bean kicker, the pond is ready to climb yet again the Everest of reptile climate science denialism, and join the dog botherer in the peaks …

Actually, it's the dog botherer who's pushing a political barrow, one he's been pushing for decades, and each time he's caught out by actual events, the deeper he must go into denialism …

Here the pond might actually mention some science … it's not hard to follow, and could be found in the Nine papers here …

This is tough castor oil for a dog botherer to swallow, especially when they also deploy a map … which they didn't bother to do when explaining the link at the Graudian here ...

It all seems clear enough, and logical enough, and it doesn't look like things are going to get better in the short or the long term ...

Ah yes, all this was known and predicted, while the dog botherer was in a rampant state of climate science denialism…

And that's all you need to know to understand his hysteria, his shouting and stamping of the feet, as he tries to avoid his dose of castor oil-laced reality ...

What's this got to do with the added dangers? Sweet fuck all, but the pond realises now is the time to deploy the emergency jelly beans supplied by the immortal Rowe, with more delights here …

No, it's not a good time for the country, or for the people who've suffered, but somehow, the dog botherer takes it as if he's the one that's suffered … and so a warning, this temper tantrum, this bout of stomping of feet and petulantly sulking is going to take a considerable number of gobbets to play out …

A sober discussion? The dog botherer offers irrelevant historical trawls through newspapers - we all know there were bush fires in the past - to cultivate an irrational form of denialist hysteria? 

So this is where it ends for climate denialists caught short … though the pond promises it will get even weirder ...

What the fuck? From a refusal to accept climate science to blather about Ivan Southall?

Here, have a thought and a prayer, and childhood memories …

Ivan Southall … and then the dog botherer talking of Ash Wednesday, as if his personal experience explained everything. But that very day the pond drove up into the Adelaide Hills, pausing only to wonder why there were flames flickering by the roadside …(oh yes, the pond has been foolish in its day) ...

No, the only factor we can realistically control is climate science denialism. Do you subscribe to the lizard Oz? Do you pay for Sky News? Have you wondered how much cheaper and easier life might be if you indulged in a little subscription cancelling or cable cutting? Have you ever joined in a secondary boycott?

They can be fun … and best of all, then you don't have to pretend that your personal experiences, scarring or scarifying though they might be, are some sort of substitute for scientific study (oh yes, the pond was scared that day in the hills, and has been scared several other times by approaching bush fires, but doesn't begin to pretend that such personal experiences have anything to do with the science, which is subject to observation, methodologies, and proof) ...

Still with Pitman, still the pitiless pit bull refusal to acknowledge that the dog botherer got it wrong?

Poor old Pitman, he's too much of a cautious scientist to know how to deal with the likes of the dog botherer. Pitman's just raw red meat to a dog botherer, ready to be eaten alive, even as he tries to set the record straight here, and ends a lengthy exegesis this way …

Like chalk and cheese really, putting Pitman up against dog botherer.

Maybe the pond should have gone for that potted Graudian summary …

Well that beats the heck out of all the algebraic gibberish the pond previously linked to here …

Look, you cackling scientific geese, the dog botherer isn't interested in nuance, subtlety, and complicated arguments and thinking.

The dog botherer is mentally a pair of Blundstones of the kind favoured by Droogs ...

And so back to the dog botherer, stuck in Adelaide with the aunts on the verandah, and dreaming of Ivan Southall ...

Dare the pond suggest there's only one inane opportunist at work here? Blocking ears, stomping feet and going low at every opportunity?

Well the pond's job is done for the day, but could it get even stupider and sillier? Of course it could … with the dog botherer trying to elevate Leak to some kind of prophet, with a cartoon which was as stupid as it sounds ...

Johannes Leak? For fuck's sake … here's the cartoonist the reptiles lost, ensconced in his new home, and no need to mention secondary boycotts …

And sad to say, while he didn't fall far from the delusions his father suffered in his later years, the junior Leak isn't even a carbuncle on the bum of a real cartoonist …

Please, come on back immortal Rowe, one last time for a blast of dog botherer 'never mind the science' … not when you can quote Ivan Southall ...

Hmm, did they take the hose to Surry Hills and reptile HQ, as the reptiles drown in the coffee from the finest baristas in the world?

Fuck them and their denialist blather. Join the secondary boycott, there are alternatives out there if anyone insists on wasting their weekend reading ...