(Above: more Rowe here, and the explanation for the cartoon, Tony Abbott spends $4.3m on spin doctors, featuring a remarkable expenditure on a remarkable hub of 37 communication and social media specialists, simply to tell, advise and consent to the news that Abbott, he's fucked).
Today, the pond, like the rest of Australia, is open for business.
Dirty deeds can and will be done cheap.
The pond's inspiration is the nation's fearless leader who famously once said:
... there's a commitment that I want to give you – there will be a minority government led by me, but it must be remembered it will only be a minority in the Senate. There will be deals, lots and lots of deals, done with independents and minor parties, especially wacko libertarians who managed to score a seat by chance and by using a canny name, under any political movement that I lead.
Australia needs strong and stable government and I will sell my arse to anyone to achieve it. We don't need another three years like the arse-selling we've just gone through, that's why it is so important as we face the future as a nation, to choose your Liberal-National candidate and his or her positive plans for arse-selling for the future (the pond swears you can find something like that here at the phony Tony Abbott site).
Oh and there was this coda:
This is especially important for disgruntled Queensland and WA voters to remember ...
Now some turgidly cynical souls might suggest the pond is re-writing history, and the fearless leader's sterling remarks, but what's history for, if it's not to be re-written. So let the re-writing begin.
Yes it's an EXCLUSIVE for the reptiles, which is naturally why the pond links to the story in the Curried Snail, LNP wants positive 'Can Do' Campbell Newman back after hammering in polls, and to news.com.au's paywall free Government continuing to lose favour: poll.
Oh look there's even a story in the Graudian, Queensland poll suggests Campbell Newman could lose his own seat, and not a gold bar in sight, just a pic of Campbell Newman sticking out his tongue.
The pond has absolutely no idea what business model the Murdochians are pursuing, but it's a bloody strange one.
We need a poll to tell us the Abbott government is on the nose, and then the reptiles lock it away, only to let the key findings loose on other venues?
Which brings the pond to a trend the pond has noticed amongst the troll- and click-baiting reptiles at work at the lizard Australian.
You see, you start with this sort of tempting splash in the rotating digital whirl of doom at the top of the page, importuning punters for cash, and it looks like a fierce criticism of the Abbott government is about to unfold:
Oh that sounds serious. Abbott the promise breaker, let the ALP let the promise breaker wear it. Stern stuff!
But any mug punter who clicks on it quickly discovers it's yet another reptilian rant:
Oi vey, the pond should to this link?
It's click bait trolling in reverse.
And it's a routine the reptiles have adopted as a matter of form. You spot a header that you think suggests the reptiles have had a lizard skin change of colour, but when you click on it, you discover it's same old same old.
The reptilian editorial today is a classic of this double think kind.
It starts out purporting to be critical, though the header No excuse for hysterical language in asylum debate does at least give the game, and the real intent away.
The forelock tugging and the ever so humble attitude is profoundly comical yet it starts off sounding like it might give the Abbott government a stern spanking:
Government secrecy tends to be anathema to a newspaper such as The Australian, except when it is required to protect innocent civilians or maintain national security.
or those reasons we have been sceptical about the amount of secrecy surrounding the government’s Operation Sovereign Borders. This scepticism has to be tempered by the apparent success of the operation so far, and the promise of more transparency to come. The current refusal to share with the public even the most basic details about two asylum-seeker boats believed to have been intercepted in the Indian Ocean more than a week ago is frustrating and unfortunate. If Immigration Minister Scott Morrison cannot reveal any further information, the least he could do is express some sympathy with the public’s desire for knowledge and some regret for not being able to provide it, yet. Smugness in such matters can only be regrettable. Tony Abbott at least has promised more facts will be revealed when the operation is complete.
Oi Guv'nor, forelock tug, forelock tug, we'd be ever so grateful for a few scraps from the table, just a little information gruel. Anything else would be regrettable, frustrating and unfortunate.
The mug punter might take this sort of tripe at face value, but the rest of the editorial immediately reverts to the form promised by the header:
That said, much of the commentary on the latest episode is ill-informed and hysterical.
And so on and so forth, including this sort of humbug and tripe:
Given this history and these realities, it is not surprising Operation Sovereign Borders may be seeking to process Sri Lankan asylum-seekers at sea and return them. It may be a more efficient, compassionate approach than transferring them for offshore processing at Nauru or Manus Island.
It may be more compassionate? Oh come on, how can anyone get a decent sleep after typing such tripe?
As usual, it's the greenies and the ABC that serve as a scapegoat for the reptile forelock tugging and posturing as "compassionate", and ironically, it does so in the name of the abuse of the English language, as if turnback on the high seas could be called "compassionate":
Incredibly, the ABC website headlined the resultant story as “Eric Abetz denies Coalition is ‘disappearing’ asylum-seekers.” Managing director Mark Scott is continuing to allow editorial standards to drift ever downwards and ever across to the fringe green-left movement.
Incredibly, without any apparent sense of shame, the reptiles called the latest Abbott government manoeuvre "compassionate". But do go on:
If Kelly’s excuse was ignorance about the terminology, that might be a clue to how most of the news and current affairs staff at the ABC have managed to find themselves all at sea on border protection policy for more than a decade. Voters have been able to grasp the central points as well as many of the nuances of this difficult policy area, and they are entitled to expect a little more than tendentious posturing from the national news organisation that their taxes fund.
Yes, the reptiles, sorry, the compassionate reptiles, have the cheek to talk about tendentious posturing. And here's the rub, it's taxpayers money, hard earned, but ill spent, that allows this tendentious posturing to continue ...
Meanwhile, even in the bleakest circumstances, it's possible to discover humour, as noted in Annabel Crabb's Scott Morrison interview takes on Pythonesque proportions.
Crabb only picks at the surface of the man who speaks in tongues, and the Fairfaxians really should have provided a link to the gold that formed the bulk of her piece.
It was from a doorstop interview in Melbourne on the 28th June, and the transcript is available in full here at Morrison's ministry for double speak, except when it's the ministry for non-speak.
And Crabb and the Fairfaxians do a further disservice to their readership by failing to note that the speaker in tongues is full of such gibberish.
If you head off to the transcript of Morrison's press conference in Melbourne on 3rd July 2014, here, you get the exact same sort of risible non-sequiturs:
Reporter: So Immigration officials are screening asylum seekers at sea?
Minister Morrison: The Australian government in our undertakings and what we do as part of Operation Sovereign Borders is always cognisant of our international obligations and the relevant conventions as they apply and we always act in accordance with those obligations.
Reporter: Does that mean screening at sea?
Minister Morrison: It means exactly as what I just said.
Reporter: What is your legal advice on that? Cause I know previously the department's been told that that's potentially unlawful.
Minister Morrison: Well, again you're making presumptions about circumstances and things that happened under previous governments and I couldn't tell you what legal advice has been put to previous government and the circumstances in which advice had been provided, so I don't think you can make the leap about advice frankly.
Reporter: But your advice now, is that your legal advised position now?
Minister Morrison: Neither this government or previous governments ever commented on internal legal advice they may or may not have received.
You see how easy it is to do a Crabb? This speaker in tongues positively spouts comedy routines like a gushing geyser of 'no comment', or better still, incomprehensible gibberish comment of a may or may not kind.
You also might think that, but the pond couldn't possibly comment.
The good news? It's Monday, so there must be good news.
Well it turns out Greg 'go check it in its wiki' Hunt is fighting for the right of the reptiles to continue emitting their emissions:
Australia must not be left without an emissions reduction policy, the environment minister says, as the government prepares to bring forward the carbon pricing repeal debate when the new Senate sits for the first time on Monday. (here)
Ah yes, the minister for useless rhetoric.
Is there any irony in the story just up a few from the wiki man in The Graudian?
The header says it all: Don't axe the tax: emissions trading supporters make last-ditch plea, Repeal could cost $20bn over next four years and 59 economists insist a carbon price is the best way to reduce emissions.
Uh huh. You can find that open letter in pdf form here, with a list of signatories, as presented here - for mysterious reasons The Graudian didn't bother with a link.
Never mind, the pond has the solution well in hand, and it doesn't even involve the minority government doing the deals it will start doing from today.
If the country adopted the Scott Morrison solution, there'd be no emissions at all. There'd be no truth or insight or information either, but hey what's a little collateral damage in the last days of the Weimar Republic?
Now remember, you only need to say it once. You can repeat it as many times as you like, but you'll quickly find the punters eyes glaze and go dead fish white, and soon enough they'll be wandering wild-eyed and staring blindly into the dark wilderness of lost souls ...
And what better way to start an open for business Monday? With dirty deeds done dirt cheap? And deals, have we got deals for you ...