(Above: oh dear)
The pond has always considered itself the suppository of much wisdom, so the pond absolutely refuses to join with the twitterati and the smug wretches making fun of Tony Abbott for a slip of the tongue (but please be careful where your tongue might slip).
Nor are we going to call for notes, because the way the pond writes, it might well be that repository is confused with deprecatory, and who knows where that might lead, all the way from excitatory through respiratory to explanatory, regulatory, condemnatory, preparatory, respiratory, inflammatory and inhibitory.
By golly Charles Dickens would be proud of that - a penny a word, and all you have to do is drag out the dictionary and run them all together.
But it reminds the pond of how trivial and absurd the whole political theatre has become in this campaign, from people getting agitated about the Ruddster using cheat sheet notes - presumably in a bid to stop him sticking his finger up his morning glory - while the best Abbott has led with, as a policy, is to remind us all of the urgent need for public speakers to be made to swallow a dictionary in primary school.
Fair dinkum, and we say that in a dinky di true blue way, in the authentic manner of a person whose boat people ancestors came out a lot earlier than the current mob, the real issue here is the way the lickspittle lackeys at the Murdoch press refused to join in the fun.
This is how you can pick bias.
Slipper as a rat? What fun ...
Conroy as Mao and Stalin? How witty and gay ..
Kick the mob out? Go for it ...
Hogan's Heroes? What a jolly jape amongst chums ...
Albanese in a fake plane scandal? Fake it up.
Notegate? Well Baz Lurhmann's paying, but let's stick it at the bottom of the page ...
Suppository? How tasteless of you to note ... and no, we're not going to stick our front page nose into that one ...
As a result, everybody has had to make their own fun, of the childish Daily Terror kind.
There's been more adolescent humour doing the rounds than the pond thought possible, with a special mention to Jonathan Swan for Abbott gives supporters bum steer (forced video at end of link), who remembers that Tony Abbott is alleged to have told Tony Windsor he would do anything to win government, except sell his arse:
Now that's just not right, and that's the reason the Terror will surely lose market share as a result of its one-eyed coverage. No wonder the Murdoch rags are in decline.
If you're going to be childish, you should be childish in a fair and balanced way. If you're going to be Mad magazine, be Mad at both sides.
After all, the Terror is the home of thugby league, and right at this moment there's much talk of "squirrel grips", a term which first came to the attention of the pond long ago, when one of its uncles suffered it in a game with touring English deviants.
In short, it's code for sexual assault.
Now here's a test for how you'd react to sexual assault in your office or workplace. You walk up to the water cooler, and a colleague reaches in, grabs your tackle, gives it a solid twist, and leaves you writhing on the floor in agony ...
How would you respond? Boys will be boys?
Well in the world of thugby league and the Terror and its chums, that's just boys having fun, and try as you might - the pond has tried many times - no one will acknowledge the homoerotic undertones of the game, not even when SM play is incorporated into the sex ...
Sob. Okay, the pond admits it. All this talk of SM and suppositories is mere avoidance, a cheap dodge and weave, a refusal to take the ball up the guts ...
Yes, you've guessed it, once more the pond is playing for time. Anything, oh anything other than read Gerard "prattling Polonius" Henderson, Fairfax Sydney's attempt to throttle back its readership by introducing tedious, repetitious boredom into the election campaign.
On a cursory inspection, it seems that Fairfax Melbourne has cut Hendo out of its stew of columnists, or at least despatched him to the outer rings of hell, and if Rudd wedded to an idea that may backfire on him is any guide, how wise the editor of The Age is up against his Sydney mate ...
You can find Hendo if you hunt for him, but he's not there, front and centre in the morning, if you head off to The Age's comment page.
Well today's column shows just how tired and weary and repetitious he's become as he clambers onto his conservative Catholic wagon, and forms a circle against the evil secularists, a circle in which he's happy to include Islamics of the gay bashing kind ...
Yes, it's gay marriage doing the rounds one more time.
And yes, you've already heard it before. Somehow Hendo manages to start out with a bit of ABC bashing, while finding time to praise Sky News' David Speers, "who did well in a difficult environment".
Now see if you can work out how these two thoughts connect:
ABC managing director Mark Scott has a habit of entering into a state of denial when considered criticism is made about a lack of pluralism within the public broadcaster. However, the media story of Sunday's event turned on the fact that the umpire was Sky News' David Speers, who did well in a difficult environment.
It's completely and utterly mysterious. What pluralism is he talking about? Sky News is an example of pluralism? The only interesting story to arise was Rudd v Abbott on gay marriage and that only happened because the umpire was David Speers and he comes from Sky?
Having Dame Slap on Q and A isn't enough? Beyond the valley of the enough already?
Yes, only Hendo could find redemption in a debate which the pond is assured by those who watched it was an exercise in terminal boredom, but more important is the way his phobias and fears lead him to convoluted arguments and signs of terminal senility.
Behind it all is yet another Hendo exercise in god bothering, and how all will be well when Tony Abbott lands the premiership, and unites the god-botherers, especially those who lurk in Queensland and western Sydney:
It is unlikely that evangelical Christians or mainstream Catholics will be impressed by Rudd's conversion to same-sex marriage. The same is true for Muslims who are an increasing influence in Western Sydney. Abbott's enthusiastic reception in Lidcombe last week, at the end of Ramadan, was under-reported in the media. It should have been of concern to Labor.
Actually, it should have been of concern to Hendo. They're Islamics Hendo, you know, the ones at war with western civilisation and everything Catholics stand for ...
For almost four years, Labor has been convinced that Abbott's social conservatism is a turn-off in the electorate. This view was unequivocally ennunciated by Labor campaign strategist Bruce Hawker in an article which he wrote for The Daily Telegraph on February 2. Hawker described Abbott as "Labor's biggest asset" and claimed that the Liberal Party leader "has managed to typecast himself as a conservative with decidedly mid-20th century values".
But here's the thing. Abbott has actually been at pains in this campaign to present a more moderate face. Gone are the days when as a callow believer, he used to sneak off to get guidance from Pell and the Pellists.
Oh sure he makes suppository jokes but he's wary about being attacked from the wets in the Liberal party - the Malcolm Turnbull types - and the coming out of his sister has been something of a godsend for his image, which was inclined for many a year towards the squirrel grip of boofhead rugger buggers ...
Now you get Abbott's sister turning up on the triple j Hack program to do a little trail blazing, as you can read in Tony Abbott's sister Christine Forster says his view on marriage equality is shifting (yes, it's on the ABC, help Hendo put on a prophylactic).
Tony Abbott's sister has revealed that the Opposition Leader felt "conflicted" about voting in Parliament against marriage equality last year.
Speaking on the ABC's triple j Hack program, Christine Forster, who is gay, said her brother's view that marriage is only between a man and a woman is slowly "shifting".
"There's been a significant shift in how he approaches this whole question," she said.
"He said it after the last vote in Parliament last year, that he felt conflicted about voting against marriage equality.
"That doesn't sound like much, but it really is a significant shift for a man who all of his adult life has not even questioned his opposition to reforming the marriage act to have it also cover same-sex couples. "Almost every time it comes up, with him you see slight, very small shifts."
Ms Forster, who is a Liberal councillor on Sydney City Council, said if party policy switched to support marriage equality, Mr Abbott would not stand in the way.
"He's a Liberal Party man, and if the Liberal Party says to him that that's the policy they'd like to have, I have no doubt that he would allow that," she said.
"The door is open to the debate - that probably wasn't the case five years ago."
You see, she knows how to dog whistle to liberal Liberals.
Poor old Hendo:
If Labor prevails on September 7, Hawker may be proved correct. If not, it would seem that he has underestimated the social conservatism of suburban and regional Australia.
Actually if Abbott prevails on September 7, Hendo may be shown to have barked up the wrong tree, overestimating the impact of the social conservatism of suburban and regional Australia, and underestimating the impact of having a gay sister hanging around ...
You have to admire Hendo's celebration and complete faith in Abbott's Catholicism as staying the same as the fundamentalist ratbag Pellist extremists:
At the weekend, Labor disendorsed Ken Robertson, its candidate for Kennedy. Robertson had told The Courier Mail that he hoped "Australia never had to suffer his [Abbott's] Catholicism … because he's a very, very bigoted person". Though similar comments have been made before, opinion polls indicate that much of the electorate does not mind the Liberal Party leader's social conservatism - even if much of twitterdom does.
Uh huh. But what happens when or if he gets into power?
Would that be the same social conservatism that led David Cameron to set the pace in the UK?
David Cameron: 'I want to export gay marriage around the world'
I want export gay marriage around the world, says Cameron as he speaks of personal pride at party to celebrate new legislation.
David Cameron thanks the Queen for giving her assent to gay marriage bill
Oh no, et tu, Lizzie?
Watch out Hendo, they're coming to get you. Even the Queen ...
Not only are the Poms thrashing Australia at cricket ...
The Prime Minister told a gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender reception in Downing Street of his personal pride at legalising gay marriage.
Addressing an audience that included BBC presenter Clare Balding and her partner, the former newsreader Alice Arnold, Mr Cameron boasted that Britain was now ‘the best place to be gay, lesbian or transgender anywhere in Europe’.
Quick, Hendo, block your ears and form a circle with your fundie Islamic friends, and chant Tony Abbott's not that sort of Tory, Tony Abbott's not that sort of Tory ...
And continue to be very afraid ...
(Below: more Nicholson here).
(Below: and we couldn't help but note the suppository of wisdom provided by Pope. More Popery here).