In which the pond's year begins to splutter to a close with our Gracie ...

The pond looked around desperately for a last post to end the year - Melbourne is calling, and there's a chance to find a tram that actually works - and hoped it would find an opportunity to run a little more salt in the reptile wounds.

But with his endless capacity for relentless banality, Bernie ruled himself out. Of course millennial mocking of boomers can't last, soon enough all the boomers will be dead, and what's the point of mocking then? Might as well mock the Victorians, though perhaps Bernie is yearning to be mocked beyond the grave.

Okay boomer, that feeble attempt to reignite the generational war, in lieu of the war on Xmas, was a flop. 

The pond even scurried back to the beginning of the week, wondering if the Major might be worth a final fling, him having gone all relativist and post-modernist …

Say what, boomer? You're going to pander to student interests, rather than worry about news, facts, events, and all that sort of humbug. Okay boomer, whatever … but indoctrination went out with the Jesuits, the Stalinists and the fascists … just saying.

Of course the bromancer and Dame Slap and a lot of the other reptiles were dancing with joy about Boris's win, but all the pond could remember was the way that they danced wildly into the night in their MAGA caps at the arrive of the Donald, and hasn't that turned out well. Little England is going to be a wild ride next year, so why indulge in fanciful and foolish attempts at spoilers at the end of this one?

Then things got even gloomier, because the pond happened to notice that our Gracie was still banging on about that dud bill, and as 'tis the season to celebrate fundamentalist creationists with a Young Earth bent and a profound taste for bigotry, the pond turned to her, only to strike a bummer note …

Why was the pond made gloomy by our Gracie? Well the poor thing's out in the field, and has to deal with all the crap that the federal government and her fellow reptiles think is a good thing …

Why blame social media, when the reptiles themselves manage to start a thousand fist fights? 

The pond suggests no mention of the Murdochians at the Christmas table, or their pets, like the Donald and Boris, or it could turn into an American-style Thanksgiving bloodbath …

But the pond could see Gracie's point - the days of bunging on a do out the back of Maguires aren't what they used to be, even in Tamworth, centre of the boofhead universe, at least until Barners moved to dry as a bone Armidale (just the place to dump a lot of ag scientists and teach them how to use divining rods).

And reading on, the pond began to wonder just how long our Gracie might be able to stand being surrounded by combative reptiles, always willing to mount a verbal stoush, and humiliate anyone passing by ...

For a Christian, Porter is as thick as a brick. Vinnies is on the liberal side of the tyke empire, and prides itself on its tolerance, as anyone might discover if they happened upon a tranny working in the store in King street …

But that's what happens when you live in a Christian bubble of the Porter kind …

Meanwhile, as our Gracie looked ahead to the agonies of having to deal with all this crap, which had become relatively settled in recent times, what with tolerant folks ending up in places that suited them, and bigots doing their fundamentalist jig with the likes of the Israel-ites, the pond began to wonder how our Gracie might cope with that recent lizard Oz outing  by the Mocker, apparently a thin disguise for the highly bigoted dog botherer … (why not call himself the Blocker?)

Sexist and fundamentalist, and fucked if the pond was going to go down memory lane to Frank Spencer, as if that now stood for anything … might as well head back to the Glums, and a round of "Oh Eth," and "Oh Ron" … 

Okay boomer, enough of that, so how would our Gracie cope?

Dear sweet long absent lord, she mocked the Mocker!

A lot of the more interesting reptiles left the lizard Oz this year, from columnists to cartoonists, and only the dullard extremists remain, with the occasional exception such as our Gracie, refusing to put in the boot, and politely wishing everyone season's greetings.

The pond felt some remorse at her plight. Fancy seeing yourself published up against the ravings and the rantings of a lunatic like the Mocker, imagining Frank Spencer held a message for our times. What next? A thesis on the sexual politics in Are You Being Served? …

Never mind, it wasn't quite how the pond imagined the note on which the blog would end this year, and perhaps a reptile will arrive in the next few days with an essence of ratbaggery that can redeem the situation …

In the meantime if that doesn't happen, please allow the pond to echo our Gracie, and offer up as Xmas tribute, a moving Rowe cartoon, with more moving, indeed deeply spiritual, offerings here ...

And here's hoping the advice of the infallible Pope works out for the silly season, and for any millennials anxious about the state of the planet the reptile boomers have gifted them … (no pleasing them, so that's why they'll be getting socks or a bar of soap).

In which the pond watches as other reptiles help Lloydie, lost in the jungle with a tab and a Shaman ...

The pond felt a deep, overwhelming sadness.

It's true that these days the pond only keeps a casual watch on the reptiles, but it was expecting the war on coal to hook up with the war on Xmas at some point … but thus far this was the best the reptiles could offer, and even more tragically, pathetically, it was by Jack the Insider …

Christmas is off? Such a stupid line, seemingly by a man who once fancied himself as an insider, but is now just a drinker at the office kool aid machine ...

But with Lloydie dropping tabs in the jungle to save the jaguar, perhaps this was the best Shamanism the reptiles had to offer …

Of course during the week there had been some fine examples of the misogynistic streak that litters the reptile rag …

Yes, the reptiles prefer deluded fundamentalists, creationists, flat earthers, climate science denialists and such like … it's the reptile way, and if an uppity woman gets in the way of Young Earth theory, there'll be some reptile standing by to set her straight …

But enough of the pleasantries, and redemption and rapture, because yesterday the pond was wildly excited by the way Polonius had stepped up to the plate in the absence of Lloydie …

Now it's the pond's proud duty to point out that Polonius wasn't the only one.

You see, heresy was running rife, and folks had to be settled, and if they couldn't drop a tab with Lloydie's Shaman in the Peruvian jungle, then perhaps a snort of desiccated coconut with Henry "hole in the bucket" Ergas on a Friday would do the trick …

You too can be a good global citizen, but preferably by doing nothing expensive. You know the form. Confronted by the need to give your mother a gift, remember that she'll love a pair of rubber gloves for doing the dishes …

Indeed, indeed, all this talk of the climate is exceptionally tedious, and poor old Henry is deafened by the roar of the mounting chorus, and while Lloydie's off in the jungle, what's needed is some Ergas oil in the water ...

Indeed, indeed, if one were to state it in simple terms, all this nonsense has been, is, and will be, a complete waste of time, and it's a pity we have to indulge in even a modest fig-leaf, when really we should be free to abandon our togas and live in grand style …

Australia has been heroic in its efforts to help out, as a nanosecond scanning the record will confirm …

Uh huh … it's clearly uncontested that Australia plays above its weight, when really it should probably be doing nothing, because let's face it, we don't actually live on the planet, we live with the reptiles in the land above the faraway tree … and have no time for wikis or Melbourne academics …you tell 'em, hole in the bucket man ...

Dear sweet long absent lord, did Henry suggest that "stratospheric warming events … have aggravated this year's fires."

The pond is deeply apologetic, it has no idea where these heresies come from, or how they creep into even the most ideologically pure reptiles, but never fear, below the pond will run a healthy correction to this dangerous thinking …

Meanwhile, please allow the desiccated coconut to repair the damage by invoking the Bible ...

From Polonius invoking B. A. Santamaria to our hole in the bucket man quoting the Bible … why it reminds the pond of the old days …

Confíteor Deo omnipoténti et vobis, fratres, quia peccávi nimis cogitatióne, verbo, ópere et omissióne: mea culpa, mea culpa, mea máxima culpa. Ideo precor beátam Maríam semper vírginem, omnes angelos et sanctos, et vos, fratres, oráre pro me ad Dóminum Deum nostrum.

Perhaps the immortal Rowe could join in, along with others … with more Rowe here  ….

And so to the reptile correction for our Henry briefly straying into heresy before setting things right with the bible ...

Yep, the dog botherer's at it again. He's never been content with being a minor war criminal, not when he can add climate criminal to the charge sheet.

That said, there's nothing like a cleansing emetic, and if nothing else, a dose of the dog botherer is better than a hit of ipecac syrup ...

Ah, the best of all strategies for a man with not a scientific bone in his body. Don't mention the science, concentrate on feelings and emotions, act stoic, become one with the stoic 300 Spartans … or drop a tab in the jungle with a Shaman, whatever ...

The lizard Oz is about the facts? The lizard Oz regularly features columnists who have the first clue about climate science … like Polonius and the hole in the bucket man? Do tell, but the pond has one major gripe with the dog botherer …

Surely the reptiles should have joined in the joy of beating up on a teenager, Donald style … surely this is the illustration they should have run ...

Ah, that's better …though the pond must apologise for those comments that somehow became attached to the heroic image ...

A little editing would have taken care of that piece of pond carelessness.

The pond hates to teach the reptile subs their job, but really, a little more enthusiasm and passion please,  show the Donald doing a Greta, or if you must, a Rocky, just don't leave the dog botherer hanging with his usual tropes and memes …

Put it another way …

Oh okay, the pond is only doing it because it's deeply bored. 

You see, the pond thinks that the dog botherer has been replaced by a computer which has been fed a few of his columns, and now can regurgitate the usual dog botherer shit, and meanwhile, the dog botherer, being a stoic, has gone off to fight the fires, or, in Queensland, hold back the torrential rain and hailstorms ...

But why would anyone ask the new tsar (the reptiles love their absolutist rulers) how mean and tricky he's been about climate science in the past?

Just remember that climate science is actually and merely, "the zeitgeist", and all will be well ...

What an outrageous slur … as if we could possibly match the Donald, no matter how hard the excellent SloMo tries, and does his dinkum coal-loving best …

And so to a final gobbet of the usual denialism, and talk of how things were bad way back when, and how it's all humbug and a nonsense ...

Astonishing really … even when it comes to a correction, the dog botherer won't let it go …

There is, it goes without saying, an insidious intent in all this. Keep on misquoting and misrepresenting Pitman, and his science will disappear, and so will he. Scientists are already allergic about talking to the reptiles, and this sort of routine, regular abuse, ensures that they'll keep their heads below the parapet …

In the scheme of things, it should be the dog botherer who's embarrassed. But he's not, he's reliably shameless, aggro and in everyone's face about his denialism.

Why does he do it?

Well, he helped fuck Malware, a small mercy really, considering how he fucked the republic and the NBN, but the dog botherer also helped fuck Iraq, so we should treasure his grander ambition to help fuck the planet …so that the grand fucking of everything can continue, in grand reptile style ...

And now after that standard regurgitation of dog botherer tropes and memes, does anyone feel enlightened, or do they feel like the pond, trapped in a Rowe cartoon?

Thank you for visiting science?

But we didn't even get within cooee of the science … we just visited a first rate reptile loon, so barking mad, so inclined to howl at the moon over and over again that the pond feels it probably should have stayed with the war on Xmas …

Or maybe not …

In which Lloydie drops a tab and and our man Polonius steps up to the Santamaria plate ...

It's been a difficult time for the reptiles this week … there was that wretched NSW minister, who suddenly turned heretic, and so required the Terror to mount a crusade.

The Canavan caravan was still doing the right thing by coal …requiring that heathens turn from the path of heresy and vow their loyalty to dinkum clean Oz coal, oi, oi, oi …

Yes, any sign of heresy must be expunged, pledges must be made, no deviation from the path allowed...

But what of Lloydie, valiant fighter and crusader for the reptiles? Alas and alack, the Graudian, in its petty, small-minded way, seemed to find great comedy in his current misfortunes …

Sweet long absent lord, stoned in the jungle surely beats a serving of dinkum clean Oz coal … and Crikey was also unkind …

Eco-resort stoush doesn't have quite the ring of getting stoned out of your gourd, bombed in the jungle, blitzed back to bliss, hippies chilling out in a freak-out haven, shamans sharpening the senses, but still …

Oh how they loved the ring of "Efrem", but it seems the Amazonian heat got too much for Lloydie, and pretty quickly, because the Graudian was showing off that happy snap of the hippie haven again in a different, more settled time …

Hadn't provided anything, not even a lease? But surely that's the hippie way, just being cool, chilling out, forget the fucking paper work, man, or is that woman, just bliss and peace and light, or we'll get the shaman on to you …

But of course all this carry-on left the reptiles high and dry at a time when all hands were needed on deck, or at least sending a fax from the jungle, about the sundry heretics out and about, causing the Canavan caravan and many others endless grief …

Was there a modest hero who might step up to the plate, an unassuming warrior without any observable traces of scientific training or scientific insights?

There was, there was …

The pond was wildly excited. Usually our man Polonius had veered away from climate science in the past … it was all too tricky.

But with Lloydie in urgent need of a hallucinogenic jungle hit, it was only right and just and proper that Polonius pick up the wayward spear and join the crusade …

 

In short, it's not about the science … it's all about our man Polonius seeking out the safe turf of "a historical perspective." Don't get the pond started on whether that should be "an historical perspective", there are more crucial heresies to deal with, and a hate of coal is one of them …

All this talk of carbon emissions, and showing the world an example, why are people so tedious and so unfair?

Oh how cruel and unkind they've all been, with the infallible Pope notoriously catching the fiddler at work ...

Thank the long absent lord that Joel is onside, and Albo is for the turning … and the reptiles can get on with important business ...

Hunter and Lloyd told the Guardian in a statement that they were delighted the case had settled. “We are immensely proud of our conservation achievements in the Amazon jungle and look forward to continuing our work to identify and preserve a Peruvian Amazon jaguar corridor,” they said.

Indeed, indeed, and the only way to save the hapless jaguars is to burn more dinkum clean Australian coal! If only to remind Bolsonaro that he's on the right dinkum track ...

Meanwhile, Polonius was yet again been forced to stick his finger in the ABC dyke ...

Of course you can always find some Graudian pedant to argue the point …

And there was SloMo doing his best, and that naughty David Rowe joined in …

That sharks tie particularly moved the pond, especially given the recent news on sharks … Threatened sharks and rays continue to decline in Australia …

Oh yes, Rowe was playing a tough game, taking the ball up the middle … and poor old prime Angus beef was in the line of sight …

Meanwhile, our man Polonius was still back in the past, and explaining everything in the future as some kind of Freudian projection ...

Indeed, indeed, and please, whatever you do, don't mention climate science projections about the future.

What's the point? Why get people alarmed? Just harden the fuck up, in the manner of a truly hardened Polonius …whom, it goes without saying, is a lot tougher than those enfeebled former Fairfaxians ...

And who better a climate scientist to quote in these dire times than B. A. Santamaria himself? Sheesh, in this time of religious wars, the immortal Pope had just the right cartoon …

Now some might think that by this point it's become apparent why Polonius has in the past been wise not to get tangled with climate science. Quoting B. A. Santamaria doesn't seem to have been the wisest path, and bugger it, there was a rat in the ranks, a renegade, some loon who'd taken too many hallucinogenic pills …

  

No, no, no minister. With Lloydie lost in the jungle, we have to listen to the soothing sounds of Polonius, explaining yet again how the ABC is a haven for hippie loons ...

It's impossible to understate how pleased the pond is, how proud. Polonius has tackled the matter of climate science, without at any point actually referencing climate science … now that's style, that's class, that's a reward for the pond's loyalty.

City dwellers have been sniped, because our man Polonius is a bushie at heart, and only works at the Sydney Institute until he can get back to his regular shearing duties, and the uppity ABC is yet again set in its place, as if listening to scientists was more useful than rereading B. A. Santamaria, and the pond relaxed, ready for a tab and a Shaman in the jungle, with the future assured …

We can all join the Canavan caravan and chorus our love of dinkum clean sweet pure Oz coal …and project our joy and happiness about the present into the never0ending future ...

Now to be fair,  there were other regular, usual voices doing their best to maintain the rage in Lloydie's absence …

When it comes to religious wars, and crusades, the reptiles swoop and swirl together ... but it would be wrong to dilute Polonius's singular achievement  with another predictable reptile column. That can be saved for another time, so that the Polonial achievement can be savoured to the full...

Today, the pond is replete, as full as a dinkum goog, if only the chooks weren't feeling a little affected by the heat …

Our man Polonius has spoken, and so has B. A. Santamaria, and all is well in the land, and don't you worry about those carbon emissions, let us keep on showing the world that we care … and thank you infallible Pope, the pond doesn't mind repeating your insight on how we stand …