In which the pond races through the Tuesday groaning and a serve of the armchair general because it already knows the reptile catechism by heart ...

 

Make no mistake - the pond has enjoyed the discussion of chooks, knowing that we're living in a time of the battle of the planet of the chooks and they must stay in their cages, or else we'll all perish. It's not just the price of eggs, it's the way having fiendish chooks out of their cages puts the world at risk.

The pond would also like to have devoted more time to Barners' splendid move to Armidale of a regulator which turned out to be absolutely spiffing - dare one say almost Tamworthian? - idea. But that story seems to have been shunned and disappeared to the cornfield by the reptiles.

And the discussion of the size of the backyard needed for an SMR has made the pond wonder if it own backyard might be fit for purpose... and that luckily brings the pond to today's most excellent groaning.

It always pleases the pond to see a coal-loving denialist develop a sudden yearning for climate science, if only the solution is to nuke the country to save the country, and save the planet ...

Dame Groan is on hand to show the pond and stray readers how it's done.

The best thing about this groaning? It has to be its numbing familiarity.

The pond has seen the reptiles groan about the need to nuke the country a squillion times, and there's no need to get involved in an argument about it. Instead the pond can admire Dame Groan as she goes about the business, pretending she's deeply serious about climate science and really cares about emissions, if only she can nuke the country ...

Net zero? To what avail, and at this point the reptiles interrupted with a standard snap ripped from some cheap-arsed supplier ...

The pond regrets that it had saved up a conventional economics cartoon for a standard groaning ...

Never mind, nuking the country is as good as any magic beans on offer this day ...

Indeed, indeed, and possibly there will be a frenzy of comments about Dame Groan's ability to deliver an empirical basis, or possibly there will be as deep an ennui as the pond feels ...

On to the next gobbet, coachman, and be lively about it ...

But we already know what's plan B ... nuke the country ... and for no particular reason the reptiles decided that was needed was an aerial view of an object designed to instil deep fear and loathing in the lizard Oz's aging demographic ... a wind farm in Germany. That sort of heresy had to be immediately downsized...

And so to the final gobbet, with the pond able to rest knowing that the world's problems had been sorted in yet another excellent groaning ... and remember, nuke the country to save the country ...

Indeed, indeed, we must learn to nuke the country, and nuke the planet, and spare us the nonsense about renewables and all that nonsensical talk of the need to keep emissions down ...

Oh sorry, the pond must have slipped up there, of course we must keep emissions down, but only if we can keep the nuking up. That's what hearing the same old same old will do that for you, a slip of the cog in the memory wheels ...

And now, what is the pond's plan B for a bonus?

Hearing the old chook rabbit on about nuking the country made the pond yearn immediately for that famous armchair general, the bromancer, rabbit on about defence ... and no sooner had the pond made its wish on its lucky tooth than the reptiles delivered ...

Is that a collective groan or a deep sigh that the pond hear? Not another bout of the armchair general at work with a flurry of acronyms ... how much talk of AWDs can a possum bear, or even bare?

But the pond has made sacrifices. Look at what flowed from the Quill this morning with a fine flurry of ink ...

Alas and alack, the pond will have to put down its quill and leave the appetite for conspiracy to lizard Oz and News Corp readers and Sky after dark and Faux Noise viewers. For any one wondering, it's handy to have a little inhouse legal advice standing by ...

Justin Quill is a media lawyer with major law firm Thomson Geer, which acts for The Australian.

This learned Quill went right to the heart of the matter ...

Aside from obviously crazy conspiracy theories, this proposed legislation has the potential to not only stifle debate, but also stifle development. Society’s views evolve over time with debate and discussion. Things we consider normal and acceptable in 2023 would have been frowned upon and probably considered by the establishment 50 years ago to be “false” and cause “serious harm”.

For example, 50 years ago homosexuality was illegal in every single jurisdiction in Australia. It was considered an “abomination” by the establishment. Hard to imagine today. If this type of legislation had existed 50 years ago to stop people proclaiming – as is now accepted and as is right – that homosexuality is not an abomination, then the rights our LGBTI community rightfully enjoy today would probably not exist. 

Hard to imagine today? Apparently this Quill has no knowledge of SCOTUS, let alone an imagination ...

Well the pond never expects lawyers to have an imagination, but what a sacrifice the pond is making, and yet there's preparation for the war with China by Xmas to consider, and for this sort of war effort, a quill by any name is rather quaint ...

Yes, yes, there must be war by Xmas, and preparations must be made, and at this point, the pond can hear some squawking from the stalls, along the lines, of haven't we heard all this a zillion or possibly a squillion times? Isn't this just like the groaning, a din of incessant mindless repetition?

Perhaps, but it's the incessant din of mindless repetition that makes it stick in the mind, in much the same way that the pond can still recite the opening lines of the Catholic catechism ...

Get busy with the memorisation ...

The pond had let one snap stand, but then the reptiles went too far ...

... and as for the urgent need for strike capabilities for that war on China by Xmas (or who knows, New Zealand, Tasmania, Indonesia, Papua New Guinea, or those pesky difficult folk in the Solomons), look at the upside. 

There's simply no need to consider matters pertaining to the Voice, though early on the triptych of terror was full of it this day ...

Paige and the bouffant one are still continuing the reptile mission of sowing the seeds of confusion and chaos, and that's enough of an excuse to throw in an immortal Rowe ...

But there's only so much nattering negativity by nabobs and muddying of the pool that the pond can take, and how much better it is to indulge in some strategic war gaming with a master armchair general, knowing that the aim is war with China by Xmas ...

A fine flourish of both siderism by the bromancer, but then the reptiles slipped in an aerial overview of Port Kembla, and the pond knew that the graphics department must be on to something, and not just a cheap bit of graphics filler with a mindless snap ...

Port Kembla must be a key to the final gobbet, because as soon as the remnants of the graphics department hear a trigger word, they produce a suitable snap ... though the pond wonders why they didn't drag up a cartoon from the old white Australia days, or perhaps a poster from the war, so that the pond might at least wonder whatever happened to the crispy bacon we used to have...

Dammit, a pre-emptive strike is what's needed, and above all subs on the east coast. Forget all this talk of the north,  because who knows when those deviant, perverted Kiwis might strike and turn the whole country into a fush and chups fiefdom ...

Does this mean the invasion of China by Xmas must be put on temporary hold? All the armchair general has got is a shame job for the fully shamed mob?

What a bummer and in order to avoid ending on a sour, defeatist note, the pond turned to the infallible Pope for uplift and inspiration, and sure enough, he came up with the goods, as he always does ... though perhaps he might also consider a doing a portrait of a gathering of armchair generals ...