In which comrade Dan scores an Empire biscuit tin, but the pond manages to dig up one certifiable loon to keep its struggling reputation alive ...

 

Inevitably the reptiles were full of it today, in both the digital and tree killer editions ... though the pond was astonished and delighted to hear that the tree killer edition is no longer being given away by Qantas in the lounge, and instead the reptiles had settled for their headlines being displayed on screens, which amazingly were no longer featuring Sky news  ... but enough already, first the news of the day ...

The pond has no idea on which planet a story about comrade Dan cancelling the games is an EXCLUSIVE, what with it being all over the shop and subject to extensive and deeply tedious analysis, but reptiles gotta pretend to be the first around the block and hitting the tape in good style ...

As the pond is something of a lizard Oz site of record the tree killer edition should be noted ...

Down below in the comments section, the story was also all the go ...

First things first ... astute observers of the reptile follies will note that Dame Slap was top of the digital edition, blathering about equal pay, but the pond decided to cancel her, keeping the spirit of cancelling comrade Dan alive, and cites two of many moments in the read to justify the cancellation ...

Based on this admittedly anecdotal evidence, phrases such as Equal Pay Day are Orwellian distortions because Australia already has equal pay for equal jobs. 

There are many ways to skin the pay data, but deploying "Orwellian" isn't one of them, and then at the very end, Dame Groan topped it off with another display of "woke" ...

...consider the ABC, that much-vaunted haven of inclusion and diversity, where it would be a struggle to find a single evangelical Christian or conservative in any influential position. If one slipped through the cracks by accident, they would discover very quickly their prospects of promotion depend­ed on toeing the ideological line. So, Marie, gender equality is woke. Both are portmanteau words that conceal more than they reveal, but both have a tendency to harm current policy debates. 

Was it so long ago that a certified clap happy in the shape of Mark Scott actually ran the ABC, or that Dame Slap herself was a singularly useless member of the ABC board as a job for the girls? But none of that irritated the pond as much as that use of "woke" ...

So the pond moved back to the latest comrade Dan kerfuffle, and while it could have gone with the monkish Monk, it naturally favoured the bro ...

Here the pond should note a few things. The pond doesn't give a toss that the games were cancelled. The games should never have been deployed in the first place ...

It's the sort of empire relic that's about as much use as an ancient biscuit tin ...

That's when the pond last paid attention to the Empire games ... when a biscuit really meant something. 

Was King Chuck even going to turn up down under to launch the damn thing just to prove tampons could still talk?

Back to the bro, and while slagging off comrade Dan and wretched Victoria, even he had to admit the games were on the nose ...

"A wholesome activity"? That's the best he's got? More healthy and useful than masturbation?

It's a bit like suggesting Milo is a healthy drink. They should slim down? Well yes, though perhaps slim down to a level of complete invisibility, to match the complete irrelevance, though it's hard to do when you're best remembered as a biscuit tin ...

Even the bro struggled to drum up some kind words ...

At this point the pond thought it should celebrate with an infallible Pope, again back behind the paywall, so there was no point providing a link ...

And what a fine urn he makes, as the pond turned to the lizard Oz editorialist for a final word ...

Irreparable damage? Hardly, but on the upside, it made the reptiles almost forget, if only briefly, the usual subject of their ire ... with only the Price is right fatuously issuing a challenge and George down in the dumps as reminders of what usually preoccupies the reptiles ...

Even the lizard Oz editorialist seemed a tad half-hearted, though there was pleasure in knocking Dan for being fiscally responsible while fiscally irresponsible, while sports-loving except when sports-destroying. 

The pond could only mourn on behalf of all the reptiles a good six months of headlines about the cost blow out that would have followed a tepid and irrelevant presentation of a long lost empire's games ...

Don't get the pond started on the enormous folly of the deeply corrupt Olympic games ... instead let the pond celebrate that dash to the exits with an immortal Rowe ...

But the pond can't do its own dash to the exit just yet. There ought to be at least one loon talking about something else, if only to uphold the reputation of the lizard Oz as loon central, and the pond as a haven for herpetological studies, and luckily there was one certified genuine, irreplaceable loon to hand ...

The pond realises that some will immediately raise the question: are the reptiles setting up Caroline Di Russo for failure?

Regrettably the answer is no. The reason is simple. Di Russo can manage this by herself, what with her ability to indulge in pointless identitarianism and big meaningless words, with the political solution for any problem apparently being to appoint a woman to blather on about women, on the principle that it's then only a cat fight with a lot of yowling ...

The level of meta-irony is rich in this one, with the reality - regardless of competence - that a bloke was never going to be appointed to write a column at this level of monumental stupidity. 

Being female means you're fundamentally unsuitable for anything except self-flagellation, flagellating other females, and staying at home to be a good little housekeeper and breeder, only allowed out to scribble for the lizard Oz or perhaps turn up on Sky after dark ...

At this point, the column was interrupted, and so the pond, by the remnants of the lizard Oz graphics department inserting a very large snap of a woman apparently to be feared or pitied, a patsy and a mug ...

And then it was back to a restless Di Russo, doing her best to rustle up hysteria and bag herself a varmint ...

The pond is aware that the pond readership is well aware of Di Russo and her Sky News persona and her other outings, not least WA Liberal party opts for female leadership team as Caroline Di Russo is elected party president, where the Libs desperately turned to a bunch of female mugs and patsies to help a dropkick loser party deep in the red ...

Is this the best way to do it? Setting up a woman for perhaps what might be an epic fail? Do you get the right to moan about identarianism when you're a practicing identarian? Or at least abjectly misuse the word and its meaning, with its wiki telling the pond the real sense is: The Identitarian movement or Identitarianism is a pan-European, ethno-nationalist,ar-right political ideology asserting the right of European ethnic groups and white peoples to Western culture and territories claimed to belong exclusively to them. A little learning of catch cries is a dangerous thing ...

The pond freely admits that she's contributed to Penthouse as well as the Speccie Mob and the Menzies Research Centre (or so her LinkedIn says) ...

But why do the blokes always hire a woman to take down a woman? And what's this insulting talk of inclusivity and diversity? Surely Penthouse is enough diversity already?

Must we have this feeble form of tokenism when everybody knows that only an old bloke is right for the job, and to prove the point the wretched detritus of a once proud graphics department slipped in a very large shot of an old bloke ...

Then it was back for a final screech, and the odd clawing and a truly bizarre admission ...

All that to announce it was a positive appointment and that the woman in question might be capable? And all the rest apparently an idle paranoid fantasy or perhaps a deeply weird conspiracy theory? Why it seems that only a woman could manage this level of monstrous silliness and abject nonsense, and as a result might end up a moribund scapegoat, a tribute to mindless ambition ...

Luckily there was a relevant Wilcox to hand so the pond could close with a cartoon ...