Citoyens, citoyennes, what are you doing?
Do you think this is some kind of holiday Monday wherein we all might celebrate the joys of a monarchist lifestyle? Sleeping late in bed, and then sleepwalking to a BBQ?
No, there are evil forces at work, stalking the earth, posing an imminent threat to our treasured lifestyle.
First to the chief villain in the piece - the reptiles of Oz.
These shameless paywall ratbags know the truth, yet they want it to hide the truth behind a paywall, so they can charge people anxious to learn about the end of the world as we know it.
To facilitate the process, they provide splashes to lure in unwary readers willing to disturb the redback family in their purse:
See? But this is too important a matter to hide behind a paywall. The pond must shout the truth from the rooftops, the truth none may see unless they hand over a shekel or two to Chairman Rupert.
But the truth poses enormous policy issues, and must be dealt with out in the open.
Luckily, reader James knows the solution:
The pond likes your thinking and this is the pond's reply:
Reader John has all the necessary science to hand:
Oh how lucky is the Oz to have such intelligent, informed readers as their base.
Other readers chipped in with informed comment:
Indeed, indeed. Is Greg Hunt a member of the international conspiracy? Is the Prime Minister a covert double agent? What about the British Royal family, which the pond understands from impeccable sources, might be part of a gigantic neo-Nazi conspiracy?
Where are your Monday honours now, you foolish mortals? In tatters, tattered rags that can't clap hands or sing ...
But now, let the teasing end, and let's get down to brass tacks, or whatever cliche you like to use, because Maurice Newman is the man, and what he has to say will startle you and shock you.
Thank you maestro, drum rolls and trumpets sound, as the pond proudly presents for your consternation and paranoid alarm ...
Indeed, indeed, and to summarise it succinctly in a single visual, how about this?
Oh you foolish mortals romping off to the wedding as the old man stops you with wavering finger and quavering voice, and warns you about the impending albatross.
Do you listen, do you pay heed, foolish mortals?
Indeed, indeed, sound the alarums.
Citoyens, citoyennes, to the watchtower. We must stand guard 24/7/12/365 or 366, depending on the year, we must be vigilant, stout-hearted and ready.
What's that? There's a UN lover in our midst? What say you UN lover? Perhaps you're one of those people who didn't get upset by Adam Goodes' dance of hate ...
At which point, the UN lover rose to ask: "Where is the usual disclaimer?"
The pond: "What disclaimer? What do you talk of rascally knave?"
This, said the UN lover, resorting to a cheap prop from a previous Maurice story:
Why, you wretched rascal, get thee gone.
Maurice is at the heart of the Prime Minister's advisory team. There is no need for a disclaimer and the reptiles of Oz were right to leave it off.
This is straight from the heart of the Abbott government. This is the chairman of the business advisory council clearly helping the council warn all Australians of the impending dangers, possibly the gravest threat to the world since the invasion of the body snatchers.
There's no need for trivial, useless and ultimately inaccurate disclaimers. Maurice speaks in a way that a constrained Tony Abbott can't. But each time Maurice speaks out, Tony is grateful and pleased, and the readership of the Oz jumps to the cause. Because we can never have enough of the kool aid ...
Luckily we have to hand an artist's impression of Maurice Newman in activist mode:
And so it is the pond's solemn duty to provide a warning of another UN backed conspiracy:
Please, no thanks.
Being at conspiracy central, the pond is just doing what any honest, upright citizen would do, sounding the alarums of impending doom. It is the pond's duty, while foolish citizens romp on a long weekend.
Now - first a gracious clearing of the throat and a humble modest cough - your majesty, to the matter of that strange oversight and omission, the pond's birthday honour, though it may not be your birthday and some might think it tainted by Prince Philip's neo-Nazi affiliations ...
What's that you say? He's just a grumpy old man? Why your Majesty it's time you started reading the pond, or else you might end up as clueless as a Graudian liberal ...