Sunday, March 16, 2014

With Lent approaching, the comedy cranks into gear ...

(Above: while it lasts on YouTube)

Finally Russell Crowe, God and Noah turn into a cosmic joke.

Oh it's a bit old, a bit long in the tooth, and the pond doesn't usually recycle, but for once, recycling seems like a useful thing to do:

And finally, New Rule: No one can blame me when I say this is a stupid country, when 60% of the adults in it think the Noah's Ark story is literally true.  Which is why I'm already sick of seeing the ads for this floating piece of giraffe crap. 

Although the movie has been condemned by both Christians and Muslims, so it must be doing something right.  And they say it also may lose a fortune for the studio, which would put it in hot water with the Jews too.  (audience laughter and applause)'

Now, I don't know about the elephants on Noah's Ark, but the elephant in the room in 2014 is that we are now a full four centuries removed from the scientific revolution.  Four centuries after Copernicus, after the time humans realized that through science, we could actually get a real answer to almost every question about our world, like where does the sun go at night?  And why does disease spread so quickly on a cruise ship?  (audience laughter) 

And speaking of cruise ships, you know I don't mind that the Noah story is impossibly childish.  OK, I do mind.  What am I saying?  I mind very much.  I mean, seriously people?  

You believe a man Noah lived to be 900 years old — that's what the Bible says — and when he was 500, he decided to have three kids, just like Clint Eastwood.  (audience laughter) And when he was 600, he and his three 100-year-old sons built a boat onto which in one day, they loaded over 3 million animals, all of which were apparently indigenous to within 5 miles of the boat.  (audience laughter) 

But get this. What the Christians who are now protesting this movie are upset about is that it doesn't take the Biblical story literally enough.  They're mad because this made up story doesn't stay true to their made up story. 

But the thing that's really disturbing about Noah isn't the silly.  It's that's it's immoral.  It's about a psychotic mass murderer who gets away with it, and his name is God.  Genesis says God was so angry with himself for screwing up when he made mankind so flawed — rrrrr — that he sent the flood to kill everyone!  Everyone!  Men, women, children, babies.  What kind of tyrant punishes everyone just to get back at the few he's mad at?  I mean, besides Chris Christie.  (audience laughter and applause) 

Hey God, you know you're kind of a dick when you're in a movie with Russell Crowe, and you're the one with anger issues.  (audience laughter) 

You know, conservatives are always going on about how Americans are losing their values and their morality.  Well, maybe it's because you worship a guy who drowns babies!    (nervous audience laughter)  

And then, God's genius plan after he kills everyone is to repopulate the world with a new crop of the same assholes who pissed him off the first time!  With predictable results.  He kills millions more. If we were a dog, and God owned us, the cops would come and take us away. 

Why are we getting our morals out of this book?  Why do people follow any of it?  You know, I'm reminded as we've just started Lent that conservatives are always complaining about too much restraining regulation and how they love freedom, but they're the religious ones who voluntarily invent restrictions for themselves. 

On a hot summer day, Orthodox Jews wear black wool.  On a cold winter night, Mormons can't drink a hot chocolate.  Isn't life hard enough without making shit up out of thin air to fuck with yourself?  (audience cheering and applause) 

Don't we have enough rules to follow and enough asses we have to kiss in reality?  Your boss, your spouse, the tax man, your parole officer, your horny cellmate?  Without fabricating made up new ones?  
Jews can't eat ham.  Jehovah's Witnesses can't buy Girl Scout cookies.  The Amish can't drive cars. Catholics can't masturbate.  Scientologists can't go to therapy.  Baptists can't dance.  Sikhs can't shave. And Lord knows, Muslims can't take a joke.  (audience laughter)

Okay, okay. Bill Maher has had his joke.

 But nobody could be barking mad enough to give this any credibility:

What the Christians who are now protesting this movie are upset about is that it doesn't take the Biblical story literally enough.  They're mad because this made up story doesn't stay true to their made up story. 

Could they? They really couldn't, could they?

Fair warning to the faint hearted if you head off to read ...

Russell Crowe's 'Noah' Film - A Warning For Christians

What about that famous Islamic sensa huma Maher has a dig at?

Oh no, say it ain't so:

Noah, starring Russell Crowe, banned in UAE, Qatar, Bahrain

Fundie Christians and Fundie Islamics working together:

Director of media content at the National Media Center in the United Arab Emirates, Juma Al-Leem, told The Associated Press that the movie will not be allowed in local cinemas because it contradicts a generally held taboo in Islam of depicting a prophet. 
 "There are scenes that contradict Islam and the Bible, so we decided not to show it," he said, adding that UAE censors watched the film before deciding to ban it. "It is important to respect these religions and not show the film."

Got any response Rusty?


  1. Biblical epic?

    All I can think of is Ray Winstone (with full on cockney accent) going;

    Oi Noah, NO!!!

    That the Ark ended up on Mount Ararat probably indicates that this film is also going to be located in Turkey.

    Hat tip Dorothy,


  2. And then there's thisd -

    Religious Right talk show host Kevin Swanson railed against the Disney film Frozen on Wednesday, accusing Disney of using the movie to turn children gay. Swanson told cohost Steve Vaughn that Satan is using the movie “to indoctrinate my 5-year-old to be a lesbian.”

    1. :) All around the barking mad howl at the moon:

  3. Thanks for the link to Beginning and End. That bookmark's a keeper. I now know where the IPA get their ideas from - and what Makes Scotty Morrison tick [not to mention, chime on the 1/4 hour]


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