The National Emergency continues, but this time it's much, much closer to home.
Why are these damned pollsters and their damned polls allowed to exist?
How dare they propose that big Mal outpointed the Ruddster 65 to 35 as preferred PM?
How shocking and appalling to propose that big Mal would deliver a two party preferred to the LNP of 58 to 42, up against Tony "invisible substance" Abbott's 51 to 49, which is dangerously close to the margin of error.
Why even the reptiles at the lizard Oz had to accept it was news, as they reported in Kevin Rudd would lose 2013 Federal Election if Malcolm Turnbull returned to his old job, finds poll.
What a header! What a story!
Oh you have to hunt to find it, but it's there ...
As for the Fairfax socialists, they too were excited, reporting We want Malcom Turnbull, voters say.
And sure enough, the readership had also spoken, with 73% wanting big Mal to the lead the opposition to the election, and only 18% plumping for Tony Abbott.
Poor jolly Joe barely troubled the scorecard with 2%, thrashed by Julie Bishop performing a hundred per cent better on 3%. The long absent lord knows who made up the other four per cent.
And lordy lordy here's the actual poll figures, at the site run by the deviants at ReachTEL.
Oh it's shocked and hurt all the followers of Mr. "Invisible Substance", and having always disapproved of polls, the pond naturally disapproves of this mischief-making.
Abbott has always had a brittle chin, and routinely develops the wobbles whenever he gets asked something more complex than a simple "No" can solve, and it's just not fair, especially coming hard on the heels of ample evidence that Mr. Invisible Substance doesn't have the first clue about economics, climate science and off the cuff rhetoric.
What's even worse, this is possibly the first time the pond has ever been in a majority, which is to say accepting that anyone, anyone at all - perhaps even a Yeti or a Big Foot or a Bunyip - would be more engaging, genial and exciting as the leader of the Liberal party than Dr. No.
So here's the worry. The nation is in the grip of a National Emergency, and Tony Abbott is in the grip of national fear and loathing.
What to do?
Fear not, stout hearts, brave folk of the Volksgemeinschaft, the Bolter is here to steady the ship, and shore up faint hearts, right the wrongs, and perhaps even wrong the right, as he berates the Fairfax fiends for picking the wrong story! It should have been all about the Coalition lead, instead of the angle those hounds of the Baskervilles took:
... the purely hypothetical - and anti-Abbott - is what Fairfax journalists run with... (here)
Dammit, quick, which clown allowed that story in the lizard Oz?
And who put a Fairfax header on it?
Kevin Rudd would lose 2013 Federal Election if Malcolm Turnbull returned to his old job, finds poll.
Oh you filthy vile reptiles, take it back, just take it back and make it right.
Did someone let a Fairfaxer into the building? Quick, someone get chairman Rupert on the blower, he's not done apologising and crawling just yet ...
Now let's all draw a smiley face Bolter style:
Despite all the hype, all the media promotion, all the stories about an unpopular Abbott, all the sugar hit, the Coalition still leads.
If the poll figures for Rudd actually fall, wait for a rapid change in this triumphalist narrative.
Triumphalist narrative? Wasn't it about big Mal taking down Mr. Invisible Substance in the popularity stakes?
Quick, pump up the hysteria and the volume ... time for another national emergency ...