Now don't take it from the pond, take it from the lips of Poodle Pyne.
It turns out that Bazza O'Farrell is a dupe, a gull, a loser, a drop kick, a mug punter. You see, he's been conned (O'Farrell 'conned' on Gonski deal: Pyne).
In other words, he's been bilked, sold a pup, had a fast one pulled on him. He's been diddled, defrauded, bamboozled, hoodwinked, dudded and done like a dinner. He's been taken for a ride, had the dirty done on him. He's been gipped, hornswoggled, swindled, hustled, stung, short-changed, tricked and cheated. He's been skinned and stiffed and misled and deceived. He's all-day sucker, or if you put it another way, he couldn't pick a lemon by sucking on it.
Why you could sell him a VFT to Sydney's second airport in Canberra in a trice. Hang on, how about selling him a monorail ...
Oh yes, the pond loves it when the Liberals eat their own, but fancy Poodle Pyne imagining he could do more than yap and race around in addled, empty-headed circles. Down poodle, down ...
Of course the logic dictates a couple of awkward conclusions. Big Bazza is such a dunderhead, he shouldn't be the premier of NSW. Or that feisty silver-quick red-headed fox is as sharp as a tack when it comes to selling the harbour bridge (with the Opera House tossed in as a bonus) to the mullet-head that she should be the PM ...
Well that was the entertainment yesterday, though we shouldn't overlook Quelle horreur! Passion for French may lose its rasion d'etre. The poor old French ... now all we need is a member of the Murdoch pack of lizard hacks to draw the obvious conclusion, which is that the French language is in decline because of gay marriage.
Speaking of gay marriage, the pond has also been drawn to the great controversy in the UK involving mad swivel-eyed loons.
Now the pond is always drawn to idle chatter about loons, and "swivel-eyed" is an apt addition to the lexicon.
You can read about the fuss, with links, at The Guardian in David Cameron, the 'loons' and gay marriage - what the national papers say.
It's all over the place, as if the English didn't already have enough evidence that they and their print media were barking mad.
Now it turns out that "swivel-eyed" might or might not have been said by one Lord Feldman, and certainly not by David Cameron, but it is quite clear that the insult is the work of deviant, devious members of the metropolitan elite.
It has brought out all sorts of proud loons, including Tim Bale, professor of politics at London's Queen Mary university, in Swivel-eyed loons or seeing clearly?:
...what is really happening? Is it that the so-called “loons” – and one wonders how long it will be before the label becomes a badge of honour rather than a gratuitous insult – are more numerous than they once were? Is it because they have become even “loonier”? Or is it because slagging off one’s superiors has become perfectly acceptable, where once it would have been unconscionable – or at least terribly bad form?
The first thing to point out is that the Tory grassroots are rather more variegated than the stereotypes suggest. Many of the poor bloody infantry certainly share the stereotypical view that Mr Cameron should give the country a chance to get out of the EU, find ways to prevent the imminent arrival of more Romanians and Bulgarians, and forget all this nonsense about overseas aid, wind farms and gay marriage.
Yes, and don't forget about the way gay marriage has ruined the French language.
Ah well, at least they've got over their issues with gay whales and now it's just the wind farms, helpng people out, and extending equality to all...
But soft, hush, speaking of swivel-eyed loons who look askance at metropolitan elites, something wicked this way comes ...
Oh never mind, it's just Tuesday and that means it's Gerard "Prattling Polonius" Henderson day, and his noble duty is to pour oil on the troubled matter of big Bazza and Tony Abbott in Abbott, O'Farrell have equal claim to Menzies' legacy:
Ah yes, it's back to that unfortunate matter of the conned Bazza.
What a Solomon Hendo is, how wise and just. He's almost up there with Abraham giving Isaac a good burning, such is his loyalty to all that's right and just in the world.
It turns out that in Liberal la la land, all is equal, first amongst equals so to speak, and everyone has equal claims and it's fair dibs me hearties, almost socialist you might say, such is the even-stevens egalitarian world of the swivel-eyed loons down under ...
Now of course Prattling Polonius is the only guardian of the sacred flame of Ming the Merciless left in the entire country. Only he knows the deepest truths, only he can speak with the power of an oracle ferreting through chicken entrails, so of course he has to join Poodle Pyne in reprimanding that dumb klutz big Bazza for speaking out of turn:
O'Farrell responded: ''I'm a Menzies man, Tony's a Howard man.'' Yet, as Abbott makes clear in his book Battlelines, he too is an admirer of the Liberal Party founder.
Yes Bazza, once again you've got it wrong, you've been conned by your faulty understanding of history.
Thank the long absent lord we have our present-day Polonius to adjudicate on the dispute, and yes, as any fair claim reader could predict, what follows is a long and exceptionally tedious sermon on the days of Ming, as only a prattling Polonius can manage.
You know, lo and behold, for there came upon the land a man blessed by god to lead the Israelites and the UAP, and to ban the filthy pinko perverted Commies and never you mind about democracy and plunge Australia into the mire of Vietnam, because you know, the dominos, the dominos, theyz fallin, and the White Australia policy was bipartisan, fair dinkum it was, so that makes it alright, because you know the Asians is coming, the Asians is coming, and Ming was a monarchist, because you know it's okay to support the Queen but assorted queens on Oxford street is entirely another matter, and it's true he didn't do much for the economy - remember 1961 - but hey who cares about the economy when your real aim in life is to become the Warden of the Cinque Ports ...
It is only fair that Menzies be judged by the standards of his time. In the 1950s and 1960s, there was bipartisan support for White Australia.
Indeed, and if we may be so bold, it's only fair that Adolf Hitler be judged by the standards of his time, because the treaty of Versailles was just so unfair, and that Weimar Republic, why it was full of decadent artists and bohemians and it was just so wrong ...
And now, if it please the court, might we be permitted to smote wildly at those who dare to offer themselves as guardians of the meaning of Ming when they don't have the first clue about anything:
In an article in the November 2008 issue of The Monthly, historian John Hirst suggested O'Farrell was unique to the modern Liberal Party in that he was a moderate disciple of Menzies. Hirst is a fine historian. However, until Howard's time, he was known to be a supporter of social democratic parties such as the ALP. It seems after his political conversion Hirst looked back on a Menzies that never really existed.
Known to be a supporter! Of filthy vile social democratic parties such as the ALP.
Well the pond never!
Arrest that man officer, he doesn't have a clue:
It is fair to say that both Fraser and Howard, in their different ways, followed the Menzies tradition. As has O'Farrell in office. And as Abbott is likely to if he wins in September.
Uh huh. Yes, in their different ways, some took the high road, and some the low, and some the road least travelled, and yet they all ended up in the bush.
Oh wise and judicious Solomon, oh guardian of the flame of Ming.
But what does it mean to follow the path of Ming?
Now by Henderson's own account, this would seem to imply that Tony Abbott will forthwith embark on a foreign adventure, in the manner of Ming in Vietnam. Perhaps Syria, perhaps Iran, perhaps Indonesia? Oh come on, there must be somewhere we can have a foreign adventure. New Zealand or Tasmania - would it hurt to do a Gareth Evans? - if that's all we've got ...
Naturally Abbott will ignore the economy and fuck it up - remember '61 and the Ming way - and he'll certainly drum up all the ferocity hatred fear and loathing he can manage for boat people, no matter if they come from Afghanistan where Australia has already done its best to help wreck the joint (isn't Iraq and its current flurry of bombings working out well).
And what about a referendum to ban the greenies? Why surely that speaks to the heart in every member of the commentariat in the land ...
After all, they're completely responsible for the ruination of everything, and to the pond's certain knowledge are engaged in a conspiracy with the United Nations to introduce world government, perhaps run from New York, or perhaps from Moscow.
Except, except, oh dear sweet awkward delsuions, it's quite likely Tony Abbott will have to swear an oath of loyalty to that fervent ratbag greenie, King Chuck. Will it be a House of Cards all over again?
To make things better, the least Abbott can do is reintroduce conscription, so that men and women can be sent around the world to fight against the dominoes, and perhaps save us all from vile pizza ... or perhaps the carbon tax, by having a green army out on the land, helping save the planet, in the best socialist way.
The swivel-eyed loons are alive and well in Australia, and the pond wouldn't have it any other way ...
(Below: more Rowson cartoons at The Guardian here)