In which there's bugger all by way of commentary, and SFA by way of knewz ...

Who knewz the reptiles were up to something really big? Who knewz the reptiles were intent on producing a form of illiteracy bigger than the Donald? Good luck with all that, but speaking of the Donald, who knewz he would tweet this?

Social Media is great!

How good is that, as the 'leet reptiles of Surry Hills fainted and abandoned hope. How could they blame Social Media (remember the caps) for all that ails them in the future? Say it ain't so! How others cruelly laughed ...

And how the cartoonists joked …

And why is the pond off overseas, checking out the latest Donald news, and stories that can easily be found at the New Yorker and WaPo for anyone who cares?

Well this was the local reptile commentary line-up for the day …this was the wretched sight that confronted the pond ...

In all of the January holyday season, the pond has never seen the situation so desperate or so dire, with Gra Gra bewildered, the prime beef Angus man's figures fiddler sent to a quiet gig in Canberra, the usual about the Chinese, Julia given space, and simple Simon explaining how we could rort the Poms (the pathetic Poms somehow thought that the free trade agreement would benefit them, and not just by pigging out on wine and sheep, but as simple Simon patiently explains in the government gazette, it's just a good chance to flog them stuff. As for buying stuff from the Poms? Want to talk about quality control in the car industry?).

Of course there was an elephant in the room, and for once it wasn't Republican, but Rowe spotted the thing the reptiles dare not talk about … with more Rowe spotting here …

In desperation, the pond turned to the news at the head of the page, full of EXCLUSIVES …

Well, it's not commentary, or opinion. And while during the week there had been the false dawn of the return of nattering "Ned", here there was no bromancer, no dashing Donners, no dog botherer, no climate science denialism …

Instead the reptiles, as meek and as mild as you please, were peddling good news, and new bold, brave resolve … but it would have to do, piggy, it would have to do ...

What the fuck!? The dog botherer must be reeling, or at least writhing …"key driver", "foot to the floor" and so on and so forth …

Don't these fools realise it's all a UN-inspired fraud, a way to introduce world government by Xmas? Didn't Dame Slap warn them? What on earth is going on? Have the reptiles and these pathetic states lost their tiny minds?

Phew, what a relief, the pond gets it. It's all just a show and tell, a lot of window dressing. Soon enough, the reptiles will be able to get back to their favourite sport, warning how renewables have produced an unstable electricity grid, how wind and solar is a disaster (and probably produces cancer and deafness and kills birds), and how South Australia is an example of the ruination of Australia … with more ruination to come ...

No coal, no nukes, blather about climate resilience??!!

Has it come to this? Has all the dog botherer's work this holyday season come to naught?

This wasn't the reptiles of old, this was a barely recognisable kind of revisionist reptile of the Penbo kind, and the pond wondered if anything would ever be quite the same again ...

But at least amongst the EXCLUSIVES there was a ripping yarn and a shocking deep state conspiracy also at the top of the page, and so, with nothing better to do, the pond plunged in …because, if nothing else, it featured the noble onion muncher, once again done down, and not just by a bunch of state pollies pretending that climate science might be worth noting ...

Indeed, indeed, it might not be by "Ned", but at least it's an outing for the lesser member of the Kelly gang, and of course, it goes without saying, senior bureaucrats are just putty in the paws of that satanic Dreyfus …

As for that foreign influence, everyone knows how handy it is, and how we need lots of raving ratbags to come over and help sort the country out. Look what a splendid result has been achieved elsewhere …

Okay, the pond is sorry, this is about as small beer a conspiracy as the reptiles seem to be able to lather up these days, but it is an EXCLUSIVE, like all the other EXCLUSIVES at the top of the page, and so attention must be paid to the suffering of the IPA … no doubt standing by to reveal its donors, as a surefire way of proving its innocence ...

Oh indeed, indeed, liberty works, there's nothing like working liberty. What we need is more Nigels and Kassams, and hopefully, Donald style politics …

Yes, yes, the pond confesses, and apologises profusely. It only ran this tragic effort so it could run a few cartoons … but now we're at the last gobbet, and the IPA is apparently urgently demanding an independent and public inquiry into its anonymous donors, because that's how selfless, and liberty loving it is ...

Shocking, outrageous stuff.

Fancy probing prime Angus beef's figure fiddling. Let's hope it didn't involve an anal probe acquired from visiting aliens!

All the pond can say is that the reptiles will have to do much better if they intend to be knewzworthy …if this was the best they could do, the pond felt like it was in a war novel ...

"The pond fell in October 1918, (or 31st January if you will) on a day that was so quiet and still on the whole front, that the army report confined itself to the single sentence: All quiet on the Western Front and in the lizard Oz newsroom and amongst the pundits. The pond had fallen forward and lay on the earth as though sleeping. Turning her over one saw that the pond could not have suffered long; her face had an expression of calm, as though almost glad the end had come."

Well, not entirely the end … there's still a few cartoons …