In which the pond watches as other reptiles help Lloydie, lost in the jungle with a tab and a Shaman ...

The pond felt a deep, overwhelming sadness.

It's true that these days the pond only keeps a casual watch on the reptiles, but it was expecting the war on coal to hook up with the war on Xmas at some point … but thus far this was the best the reptiles could offer, and even more tragically, pathetically, it was by Jack the Insider …

Christmas is off? Such a stupid line, seemingly by a man who once fancied himself as an insider, but is now just a drinker at the office kool aid machine ...

But with Lloydie dropping tabs in the jungle to save the jaguar, perhaps this was the best Shamanism the reptiles had to offer …

Of course during the week there had been some fine examples of the misogynistic streak that litters the reptile rag …

Yes, the reptiles prefer deluded fundamentalists, creationists, flat earthers, climate science denialists and such like … it's the reptile way, and if an uppity woman gets in the way of Young Earth theory, there'll be some reptile standing by to set her straight …

But enough of the pleasantries, and redemption and rapture, because yesterday the pond was wildly excited by the way Polonius had stepped up to the plate in the absence of Lloydie …

Now it's the pond's proud duty to point out that Polonius wasn't the only one.

You see, heresy was running rife, and folks had to be settled, and if they couldn't drop a tab with Lloydie's Shaman in the Peruvian jungle, then perhaps a snort of desiccated coconut with Henry "hole in the bucket" Ergas on a Friday would do the trick …

You too can be a good global citizen, but preferably by doing nothing expensive. You know the form. Confronted by the need to give your mother a gift, remember that she'll love a pair of rubber gloves for doing the dishes …

Indeed, indeed, all this talk of the climate is exceptionally tedious, and poor old Henry is deafened by the roar of the mounting chorus, and while Lloydie's off in the jungle, what's needed is some Ergas oil in the water ...

Indeed, indeed, if one were to state it in simple terms, all this nonsense has been, is, and will be, a complete waste of time, and it's a pity we have to indulge in even a modest fig-leaf, when really we should be free to abandon our togas and live in grand style …

Australia has been heroic in its efforts to help out, as a nanosecond scanning the record will confirm …

Uh huh … it's clearly uncontested that Australia plays above its weight, when really it should probably be doing nothing, because let's face it, we don't actually live on the planet, we live with the reptiles in the land above the faraway tree … and have no time for wikis or Melbourne academics …you tell 'em, hole in the bucket man ...

Dear sweet long absent lord, did Henry suggest that "stratospheric warming events … have aggravated this year's fires."

The pond is deeply apologetic, it has no idea where these heresies come from, or how they creep into even the most ideologically pure reptiles, but never fear, below the pond will run a healthy correction to this dangerous thinking …

Meanwhile, please allow the desiccated coconut to repair the damage by invoking the Bible ...

From Polonius invoking B. A. Santamaria to our hole in the bucket man quoting the Bible … why it reminds the pond of the old days …

Confíteor Deo omnipoténti et vobis, fratres, quia peccávi nimis cogitatióne, verbo, ópere et omissióne: mea culpa, mea culpa, mea máxima culpa. Ideo precor beátam Maríam semper vírginem, omnes angelos et sanctos, et vos, fratres, oráre pro me ad Dóminum Deum nostrum.

Perhaps the immortal Rowe could join in, along with others … with more Rowe here  ….

And so to the reptile correction for our Henry briefly straying into heresy before setting things right with the bible ...

Yep, the dog botherer's at it again. He's never been content with being a minor war criminal, not when he can add climate criminal to the charge sheet.

That said, there's nothing like a cleansing emetic, and if nothing else, a dose of the dog botherer is better than a hit of ipecac syrup ...

Ah, the best of all strategies for a man with not a scientific bone in his body. Don't mention the science, concentrate on feelings and emotions, act stoic, become one with the stoic 300 Spartans … or drop a tab in the jungle with a Shaman, whatever ...

The lizard Oz is about the facts? The lizard Oz regularly features columnists who have the first clue about climate science … like Polonius and the hole in the bucket man? Do tell, but the pond has one major gripe with the dog botherer …

Surely the reptiles should have joined in the joy of beating up on a teenager, Donald style … surely this is the illustration they should have run ...

Ah, that's better …though the pond must apologise for those comments that somehow became attached to the heroic image ...

A little editing would have taken care of that piece of pond carelessness.

The pond hates to teach the reptile subs their job, but really, a little more enthusiasm and passion please,  show the Donald doing a Greta, or if you must, a Rocky, just don't leave the dog botherer hanging with his usual tropes and memes …

Put it another way …

Oh okay, the pond is only doing it because it's deeply bored. 

You see, the pond thinks that the dog botherer has been replaced by a computer which has been fed a few of his columns, and now can regurgitate the usual dog botherer shit, and meanwhile, the dog botherer, being a stoic, has gone off to fight the fires, or, in Queensland, hold back the torrential rain and hailstorms ...

But why would anyone ask the new tsar (the reptiles love their absolutist rulers) how mean and tricky he's been about climate science in the past?

Just remember that climate science is actually and merely, "the zeitgeist", and all will be well ...

What an outrageous slur … as if we could possibly match the Donald, no matter how hard the excellent SloMo tries, and does his dinkum coal-loving best …

And so to a final gobbet of the usual denialism, and talk of how things were bad way back when, and how it's all humbug and a nonsense ...

Astonishing really … even when it comes to a correction, the dog botherer won't let it go …

There is, it goes without saying, an insidious intent in all this. Keep on misquoting and misrepresenting Pitman, and his science will disappear, and so will he. Scientists are already allergic about talking to the reptiles, and this sort of routine, regular abuse, ensures that they'll keep their heads below the parapet …

In the scheme of things, it should be the dog botherer who's embarrassed. But he's not, he's reliably shameless, aggro and in everyone's face about his denialism.

Why does he do it?

Well, he helped fuck Malware, a small mercy really, considering how he fucked the republic and the NBN, but the dog botherer also helped fuck Iraq, so we should treasure his grander ambition to help fuck the planet …so that the grand fucking of everything can continue, in grand reptile style ...

And now after that standard regurgitation of dog botherer tropes and memes, does anyone feel enlightened, or do they feel like the pond, trapped in a Rowe cartoon?

Thank you for visiting science?

But we didn't even get within cooee of the science … we just visited a first rate reptile loon, so barking mad, so inclined to howl at the moon over and over again that the pond feels it probably should have stayed with the war on Xmas …

Or maybe not …