In which the pond discovers a use for patriotic erections ...

(Above: and the full outrageous press release here).

How outrageous, how tedious.

Once again those wretched faux, fake, useless, alleged scientists at NASA and NOAA are at it again, with their perfidious claims and patent exaggerations ...

How dare they.

Already the usual suspects are at it again, spreading these wicked distortions into the wider world, getting the innocent lambs all agitated and alarmed.

Oh yes, you'd expect the Graudian to be at the head of the queue with 2014 officially the hottest year on record:

Look at that wretched illustration.

All this does is create extra work so the world's genuine, elite climate scientists, thankfully gathered together in Murdoch publications. These hard-working overburdened souls will once more have to put their shoulders to the yoke, and explain how the climate is really working.

Why do these wretches want to create all this extra work for the Bolter, Maurice Newman, Lord Monckton, Dame Slap, Cardinal Pell and the hard-working reptiles at the lizard Oz?

Let's face it. The reptiles are right on top of the climate game. They know all that anyone needs to know about the land, EXCLUSIVELY:

Yes, yea verily, see how the desert blooms, and see how the only newspaper to notice was the lizard Oz:

That's why the rag is the weekend newspaper of the year.

Now some wretched cynics - quick, top up their glass of kool aid - might be saying that reports of flooding in South Australia have been doing the rounds for days and days (why even the cardigan wearers noticed it was raining on the plain here) and that this was likely to put a dent in Donald Campbell's latest attempt at the world speed record, but you see all this chit chat ignores the real point of the story.

You see NASA and NOAA wretches, the earth is in the very best shape. Let's not have any idle gossip about extreme weather events.

Instead let's celebrate the way the plentiful, warming and the munificent god is sending down bounteous rain that transforms the earth. Only She can save us ...

What was the usually prescient Pope thinking when he offered up this cartoon? (And more Pope here).

A skull in the dry outback?

Why the great Gaia replenishes herself, and the reptiles don't even have to leave the hot rock to bring the good news.

Carry on as usual, good citizens. Nothing to see here. In due course the Bolter will return, Maurice will pen a piece, the reptiles at the Oz will ignore those fake NASA and NOAA scientists, and all will be well ...

Meanwhile, as the reptiles go about their daily business, they've prepared a lavish and generous feast for the starving readership this weekend, the sort of 'weekend festival of loons' only the country's weekend newspaper of the year could assemble and offer to the world.

The war on Triggs continues at a satisfying pace:

The news from Queensland continues most excellent, and never mind idle chit chat of the kind Galaxy poll shows Labor with a good chance of winning Queensland election:

And the news from Paris is outrageously distorted by the usual suspects:

Yes, you only see the full picture from your inner Sydney city elite eerie.

Oh it's a kornucopia of commentariat views, and thank the long absent lord there are still enough mugs out there willing to fork out a shekel or two to keep them in the lifestyle to which they've long been accustomed.

But perversely, the pond has decided to select a Catholic fundamentalist for kommentariat rant of the day:

Yes, no matter how you cut it or slice it, or present it several ways, there's nothing better than a good old-fashioned rant from a fundamentalist Catholic about the usual suspects:

And so to the cut and thrust, the nub of the argument, and as a community service, the pond feels compelled to present the exemplary logic in full.

First let us remember that the real enemy isn't the fundamentalist Islamics. It's the fundamentalist gays and the abortionists and the wretched elites and those damned progressives and scientists with their jibber jabber about vaccination, persecuting hapless young children with their needles and polio vaccines.

Why the pond can still remember as vividly as the day it happened those bloody doctors giving the pond a little spoonful of strangely tasting liquid, as if it was Jonestown all over again. Oh strange things happened in Tamworth in those days.

Of course the pond didn't end up with polio - the pond can remember the days when there were polio victims, a few of whom, such as Alan Marshall, managed to turn the affliction to good literary ends.

Never mind, it's the business of everyone to stand shoulder to shoulder with the Islamic fundamentalists when it comes to teh gays and such like:

Yes, it's plain nuts, but who will allow the plain nuts to speak? Because if you're plain nuts like Angela Shanahan, of course you're going to have a deep sympathy with other plain nuts. And don't get the pond started on exotic mixed nuts, and the pretensions of cashews, and the outrageous behaviour of walnuts ...

Now let's cut to the real chase, and it's not just the child killers persecuting innocent Kevin Andrews:

Yes, there you go. The real problem is that some people have gone with Islamic fundamentalism, when they should have gone with Catholic fundamentalism.

Don't worry. You can still fuck over teh gays together ...

What's that you say?

The Pope claims he accepts climate scientist, and it doesn't matter two figs about Lake Eyre, or as a few might call it Kati Thanda, doing what it's done for quite a few years whenever there's a heavy rain, and if that's an EXCLUSIVE, why then the pond can EXCLUSIVELY report there's a country music festival going down right this minute in Tamworth ...

Fuckwits and loons to the right and to the left, but on the pond plunges, into the valley with the rest of the five hundred ...

But at least we can take a First Dog cartoon with us ... (and more First Dog here).

Yes, having listened through the monstrous inanity of The World Today's Call for national anthem to be sung every day at noon on Australia Day, the pond was going to give the call a plug, but there's no need to bother when First Dog is on the case.

Patriotic erections? Very handy when it comes to fucking climate science ...