Gerard Henderson, John Howard (how did you guess), and Christmas comes early to the Liberal party and happy voyeurs ...

(Above: the grinch who killed the traditions of Xmas, or at least failed to hand them down in proper conservative style).

Up early, race to tree, sit down, smell of pine oozing from needles, tear at paper, start unwrapping, reach down to bottom of stocking to find chocolate Santa, shove popcorn in mouth ... oh bliss, oh poop, oh joy ...

Sudden bleary eyed recognition. Wrong day. Too early. But still joy. Today we get a new federal Liberal leader, to prod and poke and play with until broken.

And in the meantime, we get to read Gerard Henderson's regular Tuesday outpouring, Howard not the man to give advice on changing leaders, and what joy it is.

First to the betting ring:

First mention of John Howard in the column: header, and then first par.

Number of mentions of John Howard in the column: 14

By golly, what joy, it's a flood of Howards, the column so skewed with his blessed name that the compass is spinning wildly, excited by all the magnetic electrons, and not a punter in the land able to claim the prize, because of the many mentions of little John, starting right up there with first word in the header! As a result, the bookies head to Hawaii and the unclaimed prizemoney jackpots next week to unimaginable heights.

But soft, what's this? Oh no, the ultimate chaos, the undermining of everything we hold dear, the end of the universe as we know it, the pond emptied of meaning, as we confront an alien, hostile universe. Can existential despair and alienation follow so hard on the heels of joy?

Henderson's column contains its usual set of history lessons, but it also - gasp - criticises John Howard, and at length.

You see, it seems the current leadership crisis is all John Howard's fault, and the sight of all the lickspittle Liberals kowtowing to Howard as they seek the blessing of the Don like tragic middleweight Mafia mobsters is simply too awful, too hideous a sight, too much for Henderson to bear.

Is this the sweetest moment of all, to see the suffering writ so large on the page? Who needs Xmas when you can have a read of our very own prattling Polonius.

First to the charge sheet. It is alleged that while in charge of the Liberal party, John Howard did fail to act appropriately:

It is not clear why either Hockey or Turnbull or any other influential Liberals would seek advice on leadership issues from Howard. In fact, Howard is primarily responsible for the Liberal Party's present leadership problems. In October 2001, Howard told The Australian's Paul Kelly that he was critical of the way Labor failed to manage an orderly handover from Bob Hawke to Paul Keating in the late 1980s or early 1990s. Howard specifically praised the way in which the Liberal Party's founder, Robert Menzies, had handed over the prime ministership to Harold Holt in early 1966.

Shun him, spurn him, never mind that for what seems like years Henderson has regularly invoked Howard as the guru, and his time in power like the best years spent in Valhalla. He blew it, while in full possession of his faculties:

In other words, Howard well understood the need for a long-serving prime minister to pass on his or her office. It was Howard's unwillingness to arrange a leadership succession midway through his fourth term that has left the Liberals all but leaderless today. The former prime minister claims he had intended retiring sometime in 2006, but refrained from doing so lest he seemed to be responding to pressure from Costello and his supporters. In fact, Howard never made an unambiguous decision to leave the top job.

Hiss boo, John Howard. Never again will we mention your name, except with a flourish and curl of the lip, a downward sneer only alleviated by memories of grand Chaser moments as the lads pursued you on your power walks.

If Howard had handed over to Costello in March 2006 - on the 10th anniversary of the Coalition winning office - it is unclear what would have been the political outcome. Kim Beazley was Labor leader at the time and the ambitious Kevin Rudd was not popular with many of his colleagues. Who knows? Costello may have contested the 2007 election against Beazley, in which case the outcome would have been uncertain. Even if Costello had lost to Labor, led by Beazley or Rudd, as a still relatively young leader he would have been expected to stay around and lead the Liberals in the early years of opposition.

Oh yes, even in the bizarro science fiction world of 'what if', who knows how things might have played out, if only John Howard had never been inflicted on Australia. Everything might have been so different, and this Christmas so pleasant. Let us say it long and loud. John Howard was a disaster for the country:

Howard was one of Australia's most influential post-war prime ministers - along with Menzies, Hawke and Keating. But he should not be regarded as the ''go-to'' Liberal when counsel is being sought on leadership matters.

Oops, got a bit carried away. It seems really that it would have been best if Malcolm hadn't called him and jolly Joe Hockey hadn't been snapped leaving Howard's home and perhaps the lads shouldn't have courted the Don, who remains a political master, except in the minor matter of arranging his own burial.

Still it's as round and robust a denunciation as we can expect from our prattling Polonius. Perhaps more disturbing is the way this current fracas has led to the bagging of Liberal players, and the denigration of their skills, abilities and talents, something of course which Henderson himself would never do:

When Brendan Nelson defeated Turnbull in the ballot to succeed Howard, it was evident to many he was not up to the job. Nelson was a successful cabinet minister but he was never likely to succeed in the extremely difficult role of Opposition Leader. And Nelson's background as an ALP member and voter, before he joined the Liberals, confused Coalition supporters and swinging voters alike.

Oh no, not like that. Not shoving in the sword even after the player has left the stage. Even if he was a double dealing Labor stooge, riding a motorbike and piercing his ear so he could wear jewellery.

How about bagging a current player? Can do:

Late last year, it was evident Costello was still the best equipped to lead the Opposition - but he did not want the job. When Turnbull prevailed over Nelson in a party room ballot, it was an open question as to whether he could overcome his political inexperience. Turnbull only entered politics in late 2004 and before that he had no real roots in the Liberal Party.

Oops, that could sound a bit personal. No real roots. A Johnny come lately, or more properly, an unJohnny who can never belong to the one true narrow Church of Johnnies.

No real experience and now talking out of turn, outside the club doors, as if Turnbull was as mad as mad Doc Evatt when he berated the Catholics for ruining the Labor party, forgetting that B. A. 'Bob' Santamaria was such a kindly man.

Still, they did put Malcolm in the middle, better shift it to a policy-based trashing:

It was always in the Opposition's interest to delay a firm position on an emissions trading scheme until after the United Nations Climate Change Conference in Copenhagen. Turnbull's lack of understanding of the Liberal Party - and its roots in small business - led him to seriously misread the situation.

Ah yes, the man who said that John Howard broke the heart of the nation ... what would he know about forelock tugging Liberal monarchist fervour, or belonging to a club that would never want him as a member? What would he know about small business roots? Not after he sold OzEmail for a fortune, and worked as a merchant banker. What would he know about business? When running the corner store in the fifties is what made this country great. That's what we want, a grocer in charge of the country, not a squillionaire.

Worse still, when it comes to the media, Turnbull's clearly a trollop, a harlot and a slut:

Turnbull's plight has been made worse by his decision to campaign for the votes of fewer than a hundred Liberal MPs in the media. Last Friday, the Opposition Leader cancelled a Liberal Party fund-raising commitment in order to appear on the 7.30 Report. He used the occasion to criticise Senator Nick Minchin and his supporters. This was in spite of the fact that some 42 per cent of Liberal MPs had voted for a leadership spill the previous Wednesday when Kevin Andrews initiated a leadership challenge.

Oh no, he criticised the saintly Nick Minchin? Why that's roughly equivalent to bagging Mother Theresa, as that dreadful atheist chappie Christopher Hitchens is inclined to do when in the grip of alcohol of some low grade gin kind:

Then on the Sunday program, Turnbull comprehensibly bagged Minchin and Abbott while making potentially damaging statements about Joe Hockey, which could be used by Labor against the Coalition in the future. It is as if Turnbull does not realise that a leader has to be able to manage all his colleagues, or as many as possible. It is unlikely Rudd would have been as critical of Minchin and Abbott as Turnbull was on Sunday.

The saintly Nick Minchin and the butter wouldn't melt in his mouth mad monk? Oh say it ain't so Malcolm, not even Kevin Rudd would be so cruel or unkind.

Not even Chairman Rudd? Well let's see how that rat behaves when cornered, because Chairman Rudd's circumstances are vaguely different, since Turnbull's future political career would seem odds on to consist of either glowering from the back bench, or forming a new liberal democrat party of one, or tending his squillions in the style of Uncle Scrooge.

Never mind. It's the shedding of tears and the gloomy prognostication about the future which is perhaps the most moving part of Henderson's column:

Whatever the Liberal Party decides on the leadership, victory in 2010 seems most unlikely.

There is a plausible case for leadership change. But there is scant reason to dump the West Australian Julie Bishop for Queenslander Peter Dutton, who is on record as regarding his seat as unwinnable. There is enough Liberal leadership instability already without going down this track.

And it's all the fault of John Howard. Now repeat after me children, in a solemn unctuous smug righteous tone: it's all the fault of John Howard, it's all the fault of John Howard. Repeat, until you feel much much better.

He ain't the Don, he ain't even a decent consigliere, he's just a naughty bad planner and whisperer of bad unwanted advice ... because Gerard Henderson tells me so.

Cancel Xmas, it's already here ...

(Below: Malcolm Turnbull's life after politics?)