First the dog botherer, but then more heresy found, a rat in the reptile ranks ...

 

 

The pond has lately taken to complaining frequently about the dross and the offal that the reptiles have been serving up of late, not that the pond is against viscera, in the Tamworth way fancying a serve of kidneys in red wine sauce ... but really, even the alleged weekend Inquirer offered little to enquire about ...

 

 

Hits are down at the pond, and nobody really gives a flying fuck about the lizard Oz, at least if the response to the pond's sampling is any guide, but after flirting with the Speccie mob, it was back to the usual grind...

For only the long absent lord knows what reason, the reptiles decided to send off the dog botherer to report on the United States, which is a bit like letting a loon run wild in the candy store of world loonery ... and sure enough ...

 

There we go, the usual mocking of the wearing of the mask, and fittingly the reptiles decided to follow with an illustration,  a mask of remarkable silliness in the age of the Donald  ...

 

And that surely is worth a couple of cartoons ...

 

And so to the usual dog botherer dissembling and refusal to face the reality of the Donald and his deeds, or rather his complete lack of deeds, competence, and pretty much anything else, apart from an ability to devour junk food and junk Murdochian television ...

To which, all the pond could say is "fuck you" and good luck with the virus in America, especially when the usual Trumpian lies were then trotted out in defence of the Donald ...

 

The truth is that the ban was half-arsed, medical supplies are running short again - such that a heist on PPE is considered a wise criminal move - and the main reason the Donald wanted a vaccine was to do with a magic cure-all in time for the election, what with bleach and hydroxy not having worked out as hoped ... and so, given that shot of the Donald via the reptiles - some loon sub-editor must have thought it a good idea - the pond had to once again resort to cartoons, just so it could stagger on ...

 

The pond just knew in its heart that the dog botherer would enjoy that climate science joke. And so on, with more wretched defence of the indefensible ...

Oh here, have another seasonal cartoon ...

Then back to the weird world where the dog botherer apparently fancies himself as a paragon of balance and objectivity, not to mention one of the world's great climate scientists ...

 

 

 

 

Actually, speaking of comrade Dan, the inquisitorial pond has found another heretic in the reptile house, but please, if we must speak of personal relationships with the virus, the thing in Australia is relatively how lucky we've been, which is not to ignore the dead and the suffering, but to note that the bad news is likely to come from elsewhere ...

For example, the pond just heard that a friend in Georgia, of an age and likely to be in a real pickle, was recently rushed to hospital, and a Chinese developer that had been working on a pond site recently died. He was a good person - China isn't just Xi - and young too, and the pond hadn't been in touch because the lumbering site had been working relatively well, and then suddenly, he was gone ...

Meanwhile, in Melbourne, the pond's relatives are safe, just as those the pond knows in New South Wales are safe ... but it would have been so easy to go the path of the dog botherer, the reptiles and the Donald ...

 

 

 

 

 

And so to the final gobbet of hot steaming dog botherer nonsense ...

 

Fucking pragmatism? Pragmatism? Are you fucking kidding? Is that what the dog botherer calls sociopathic, narcissistic, snake oil selling, carnie con artist lies these days? 

Oh well, it is the dog botherer and he's not above a little sociopathic narcissism himself ... so he can have a few more cartoons to go on with ...

And so to the pond's new role as an Inquisitor hunting out heretics. The pond has always fancied being a righteous puritan in the reptile Salem trials manner, and can spot a reptile heretic a mile away ...

 

Yes, once again the Angelic one has crossed the line. That the pond should ever see a headline as gross and as wicked and as shocking to the dog botherer as "Daniel Andrews did well..."

The reptiles' latest helpful intervention in the Queensland election showed what the Angelic one should have done. She should have peddled the notion that people preferred to die so that the economy might boom, because there's nothing like enjoying a booming economy when you're dead ...

 

But back to the Angelic one and her heresy, and the pond can't figure it out, what with her being a Shanners and all ...

Of course the reptiles did the right thing, and showed an image of a desolate, deserted, eerie Melbourne, doing its best to score a role in the remake of On the Beach ... 

 

 

 

...but an image can only do so much work to counteract a heresy, especially when a heretic gets to talking to other heretics. 

What next? Will some of the reptiles get to talking to actual climate scientists? Where will it all end? Is it any wonder the pond is deeply alarmed by this outbreak in the midst of the reptiles?

Oh dear, and the pond has nothing to help as the reptiles battle this outbreak of heresy in their ranks, just a stray cartoon ...

No, that's no help. The only cure might be an exorcism. Perhaps the reptiles should bring back the dog botherer, their chief exorcist, so that this devilish talk might be expunged from the building ...

 

Shocked, shocked beyond measure that it should come to this ... but thank the long absent lord the pond has a Rowe to finish on, to celebrate the dog botherer and the Donald, and the many ways to fuck a country ... with more Rowe as always here ...

In which the pond tolerates the hole in the bucket man's talk of Cicero, but then sniffs out an unsettling dose of reptile heresy ...

 

 

 

What a dismal line-up this day ...  and oh how sorely tempted was the pond to head off to the Speccie mob, but they wanted an email address for access, and the pond would rather tear out its eyes than have its box swamped with appeals to subscribe ...

No, the pond had to make do with what was on offer, ignore crazed Islamics, and even forego the Begging Morgan, doing his IPA stooge thing, explaining why accountability was a bad thing ...

Instead the pond turned, as it usually does on a Friday, to the reliable Henry, because ... Cicero was a regular pub drinker and always applied the pub test, though whether it was a front bar or a public bar remains a matter of some controversy. 

Who knew Cicero was in to the barley when he kept banging on about wine, with lines like age souring the bad and improving the good?

Not more banging on about Holgate? Yep, even though Henry gets the point about SloMo's faux indignation ... it's not the watches, which was an attempt at style, it was the form and the lack of dinkum style ... cash in the paw, it's the Australian way, a goodly cash bonus straight into the paw, like a government grant to the Caterists, and no one would have noticed and no one would have cared ...

Yes, yes, but enough of all that, bring on Cicero ...

Actually, if the pond might be so bold, when it came to Caesar, and later Antony, Cicero proved to be singularly inept and useless, and what about Confucius? He was peddling the same sort of stuff a lot earlier ...

The ruler's main function in the Confucian state was to educate and transform the people. This was ideally accomplished not by legal regulation and coercion, but by personal rule, moral example, and mediation in disputes by the emperor and his officials. Confucian political theory emphasized conflict resolution through mediation, rather than through the application of abstract rules to establish right and wrong in order to achieve social harmony.
The belief that the state was the moral guardian of the people was reflected in a number of institutions. Most important among these was the merit bureaucracy, or civil service, in which all officials were to be selected for their moral qualities, qualities that would enable them not only to govern, but to set a moral example that would transform the people. Because Confucianism was a moral system, the Confucian classics had to be mastered by prospective officials. Official position and examination degree, not wealth or business acumen, were universally recognized marks of status. (here).

And worse still, if this wiki is to be believed, those bloody exams were exported all over the place ...

The Chinese examination system also influenced neighboring countries. It existed in Japan (though briefly), Korea, Ryūkyū, as well as Vietnam. The Chinese examination system was introduced to the Western world in the reports of European missionaries and diplomats, and encouraged France, Germany, and the British East India Company to use a similar method to select prospective employees. Following the initial success in that company, the British government adopted a similar testing system for screening civil servants in 1855. Modeled after these previous adaptations, the United States established its own testing program for certain government jobs after 1883.

Yes, what we have here is a failure to properly understand Confucianism ... or even, as in Henry's case, a complete indifference to it, while enslaved by burgeoning Roman imperialism ...

 

No one said it better? Leaving Confucius aside for a moment, maybe Cicero should have settled for cash in the paw ...

As reported by Seneca the Elder, according to the historian Aufidius Bassus, Cicero's last words are said to have been "There is nothing proper about what you are doing, soldier, but do try to kill me properly." He bowed to his captors, leaning his head out of the litter in a gladiatorial gesture to ease the task. By baring his neck and throat to the soldiers, he was indicating that he would not resist. According to Plutarch, Herennius first slew him, then cut off his head. On Antony's instructions his hands, which had penned the Philippics against Antony, were cut off as well; these were nailed along with his head on the Rostra in the Forum Romanum according to the tradition of Marius and Sulla, both of whom had displayed the heads of their enemies in the Forum. Cicero was the only victim of the proscriptions who was displayed in that manner. According to Cassius Dio (in a story often mistakenly attributed to Plutarch), Antony's wife Fulvia took Cicero's head, pulled out his tongue, and jabbed it repeatedly with her hairpin in final revenge against Cicero's power of speech. (wiki for the footnotes).

By golly, they played it hard, those Romans, and it puts dear old hole in the bucket's pious blather about shared understandings and values in some sort of context. 

If only the singularly useless ASIC had learned from Antony about how to treat corrupt behaviour in business and corporations, we might have had a few decent beheadings ... or even a federal body designed to investigate corrupt dealings, not some chimerical ghost hanging in the Liberal ether since 2018 ...

Never mind, the pond is just teasing old Henry ... here, have an infallible Pope as part of the teasing ...

 

 

 

 

And now the pond must switch hats and turn Inquisitor and heretic hunter, and lordy lordy, what heresy there was abroad today in the lizard Oz ... it's short, but was it pungent or what ...

What planet has this Gluyas chappie come from? Clearly it's not Planet Reptile ...

Clearly it has escaped this reptile scribbler that climate change is a hoax, and certainly not a mainstream business issue, and will remain, for as long as there is breath in the reptiles, the province of wild-eyed student radicals and activist groups ...

On and on he rambled about a warming rock, apparently unaware that reptiles love to sit on a hot rock, and cheer on their favourite, the climate denialist Donald ...

The pond felt berefit and lost. Where was the dog botherer when most needed? Jetting off to the States for no particular reason? Where was the bromancer? Where was Dame Slap? Where was the lizard editorialist? Where was any reptile confronted by this sort of insouciant hideous heresy?

It went without saying that the Speccie mob was still on the case ...

 

Yes, the pond worked out how to navigate past that wicked demand for an email, and get its usual dose of climate science denialism...

But the bloodied wattle of Lawson wasn't what the pond really wanted. As the result draws near, the pond felt the need for some Donald worship, as he embodies everything grand in the planet-frying luddite and denialist way.

True, there didn't seem to be a Flinty on hand - perhaps he was still shocked, surprised and exhausted at turning up in the lizard Oz - but there was a Moorice and Jimbo Allan, both assigned the Donald worshipping duties this week ...

First just the opening par of Jimbo Allan's splendid effort ...

 

You see, reptiles, there's Jimbo, pointing out how deluded you all are, and still stuck in the moronic sandpit of thinking TDS remains a witty put down ...

But Moorice was the main feature, and reptiles, consider your position and your deep shame carefully.

 How long since you've truly celebrated Moorice's deep and abiding love of coal and climate science denialism, not to mention his Donald worship?

 

Indeed, indeed, it's so unfair, how the Donald suffers, how he appreciates your tears Moorice, but do go on ...

Yes, whatever his flaws and the Electoral College, and what a fulfillment, possibly for the last time ...

Sorry to interrupt, Moorice, do go on ...

 

The pond felt bathed in righteousness. 

At last genuine loonacy for a Friday, instead of that heretical reptile offering from that Gluyas chappie... though to be fair, the pond should at least offer up the final dose of heresy knowing that the pond's readership has strong minds, and won't be swayed from the path of reptile superstition, faith in the gods, loyalty to the Donald, and a fervent hope that speaking in tongues will bring on the rapture before the planet fries ...

 

Say what? Outrageous!

Stranded assets? Climate pivots, even if in "pivot' form?

The climate challenge, transition plans, this is real, renewables are the future, it's coming very fast?

The pond felt strangely soiled, used, abused, and then tossed away like a rag doll ...

Be warned reptiles, you can't suddenly pretend to be sane and get let out of the Surry Hills loony bin. Such a lovely place and plenty of room, once stocked with a lot of pretty, pretty loons ... 

The pond can tolerate a bit of blather about Cicero, but when it comes to the crunch, you need to snatch back Moorice and Flinty and the like, and treasure them, because they are what you were, and they are what you will stay, and they are what you will become ...

Luckily the immortal Rowe was on hand to celebrate Moorice and the Speccie mob and their love of populist demagogues, their tendency to Napoleonic fascism, and their joy in climate science denialism, and as usual, there's always more Rowe here ...

 

 

 

 

In which the pond has a traditional Thursday outing with its favourite chooks, parading as reptiles ...

 

 

 

 

 

The pond enjoys the savvy Savva for a simple reason - her contempt for SloMo is so thinly veiled that it acts as an emetic and a corrective to the pond's occasional reading of a simplistic Simon Benson or a bouffant Shanahan bout of SloMO hagiography. 

 

Every so often, the pond thinks it should crawl up SloMo with them, just to feel what it's like, and to see what it might discover in the entrails, but then each Thursday the savvy Savva comes around, and puts a halt to that bizarre, uncomfortable thought ...

 

 

 

 

You see? The pond at once set to clucking about the house, wondering if it should name that damned mynah bird out the back after Salome or Delilah, or some other biblical name which would surely appeal to SloMo ...

 

Perhaps Lot's wife, since the bible didn't even bother to give that wretched female pillar of salt a name, forcing some Jewish traditions to invent one ... you know, like Edith, which isn't much better than Karen when you think about it for a nanosecond SloMo speaking in clucking tongue ...

 

But back to a kind word for Josh, and then more of the trashing ... 

 

 

Yes, yes, forgive the watches, talk of SloMo over-the-top, and then on to the biggest scandal ...

 

 

Until our Gracie turned, the pond thought of the savvy Savva as the last of the Turnbullian wets dwelling amongst the reptiles... 

Speaking of Malware, the glorious former leader has been much out and about of late, with stories of him signing former chairman Rudd's petition challenging News Corp media dominance, and defending the Aus Post chief over luxury watches fiasco. 

"Not a hanging offence" was his verdict, and as a man who should have been hanged for the ruination of the NBN and the vast consequent expense and cost to taxpayers, who could argue that he doesn't know whereof he talks?

Of course there's been other wet treachery out and about, shocking Sky News to its chicken coop core ...

 

 

 

But the infallible Pope had the matter well in hand, with the plucky team trapped, but ready to make a Star Trek quantum leap into the coop to escape the villain ...

 

 

 

Meanwhile, the bromancer was out and about this day ...

 

 

 

 

 

 

The pond left its taste for reptile Comrade Dan bashing on the bedpost overnight with the chewing gum, but couldn't resist seeing what the bromancer made of it all ... apart from his desire to drag his imaginary friends into the matter via the power of useless prayer ...

 

It turned out that the reptiles saw a chance to stick in various click bait videos, in a bid to turn a profit on the shameless bromancer, so the pond had to do a little editing ...

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hmm, perhaps they should have sent Killer Creighton to do the job ... or one of the other Murdochian loons keen to replicate the achievements of the UK, Europe and the USA ... 

 

The pond could already write the column in its sleep: send all the old farts to lock down, and if they die, they die, but please, let the young and the economy run wild and free ...

 

All the same, it wouldn't be a reptile story without Comrade Dan in a mask, looking shifty at best, malevolent at worst...

 

 

 

 

Indeed, indeed, and how wise of the bromancer to overlook the Ruby Princess, and the federal responsibility for aged care, where much useless killing has taken place, and so on and so forth, because in the end, the virus doesn't give a flying fuck about political allegiances or ideology ...

 

 

 

 

The bromancer has always been something of an outlier in reptile ranks when it comes to the virus, and quoting Fauci is probably as low as it gets in terms of Murdochian loyalty ...

 

The reptiles showed how desperate they were to deal with the bromancer by running a snap of shopping in Melbourne ... and for once the pond didn't do the cull, because it wanted to show just how desperate things had got, a bit like SloMo joining Albo in congratulating Victorians for a job well done ...

 

Pray to imaginary friends while living in COVID HQ in Surry Hills with Killer Creighton, where the reptiles of his ilk bloviate daily? Thanks, but no thanks,  the pond thinks cartoons are a better way to improve its chances ...

And so to the bonus of the day, which was started by the reptiles with this story ...

 

 

 

 

The pond immediately looked past the ANZ story and all that net zero emissions guff. 

 

What had the lizard Oz editorialist made of it? Were they suddenly in favour? Had they suddenly had a change of heart about the planet? Would there be a rousing cry for net zero emissions? Might renewables feature in a renewed economy?

 

Oh foolish, gullible pond ... 

Oh wonder of wonders, the demand for thermal coal was going up, huzzah,  the country was saved, and the planet with it ... and that explained that Graudian story here ... and that made a complete nonsense of the ANZ story, and why it passed by the lizard Oz editorialist like a bad dream in the night ...

And so on and on ... and so back to the lizard Oz for a final gobbet, feeding the chooks their daily serve of grits and coal ... (sharpens the beak, produces a glossy coat, and aids with digestion, and when you want your chook roasted, remember to turn the planet up a few degrees to get an evenly heated oven) ...

What a remarkable achievement. After using the ANZ story as a hook and a pointer, the lizard Oz editorialist managed to avoid the point of the story entirely ...

Only the lizard Oz could produce such a singular achievement ... but luckily the sound of the pond farting its disbelief found a resonance in the immortal Rowe, with more resonance always here ...