In which the pond can't find all the elephants that seem to have left the reptile room ...

The pond had little choice in the matter - the reptiles had deemed the column worthy of an illustration, albeit not by the cult master, and this Nicholas chap seemed to be offering an assessment of the state of the Union, and the pond had a few questions that needed answering …

What, for example, would happen if some loon put a price on the head of Americans wandering around Pine Gap? The pond suspects that the reptiles would be frothing at the mouth, full of fierce anger. But if Vlad the impaler puts a price on US soldiers, why the river of reptiles flows on smoothly, with nary a ripple …

What would Nicholas have to say about this, and the Donald, and the GOP, and love and pain and the whole damn thing?

Imagine the pond's surprise at the astonishing feat that Nicholas pulled off for the reptiles. See if the first gobbet gives a clue …

Yes, yes, all that, but what of the Donald, and the GOP, and alliances, and allies who think the US is deeply and comprehensively fucked, thanks to same, and the state of the Union and all that, the subject of much fodder for cartoonists?

Sorry, that would get in the way of the astonishing feat being attempted by our new arrival, Nicholas, as he continues his inspiring, fearless effort in his second gobbet ...

Yes, yes, we know it's all China's fault, but what of the Donald and the GOP and their tremendous handling of the virus, and assorted other matters, much celebrated by cartoonists?

Silly pond, expecting answers of a specific kind, when our Nick is intent on talking of "the little people" (is that the new way to evoke the deplorables?), while achieving an astonishing feat ...

Yes, not a single mention of the Donald and the GOP and all that amuses cartoonists …

… and the pond suspects it will never know exactly what Vlad has on the Donald, but it surely must be something exceptionally good … because apparently Pax Americana means you can put an actual price on an American soldier, and the Donald and the GOP don't really care that much …

Well that elephant has clearly left the room … and so to another pond duty, not that the pond likes it much, but now that Dame Groan has been reduced to penny a word status - what's that, Dickens earned a farthing a word? - the pond has come to think of her columns as climate denialism done penny dreadful style …

Come on down, damsel of the reptile road …

The pond knew all along it would be absurd to abandon sweet, decent, pure virginal dinkum clean Oz coal, and hang around with slutty, useless, expensive champagne and government subsidy loving renewable energy. Would anyone mind if the pond ran a cartoon reminding them that Dame Groan is something of a steamroller herself?

It's not exactly right … but instead of justice, think of that flattened object as climate science, though Dame Slap allegedly cares deeply about the science ...

Scientific fact? But what of per capita consumption, what of dinkum pure clean Oz coal's contribution to emissions, what of shared responsibility, what of setting ann example, what of the world going to hell in a hand basket, what of stepping up and showing leadership?

Oh forget it, there's a lot of whats there, but all Dame Slap cares about are those coal inspired watts. You can take the damsel off the coal road, but she'll stay true to highway robbery, and never talk of all the subsidies that coal robber barons have copped on their way to glory and ruining the planet ...

Ah yes, pure decent clean virginal dinkum coal. Damn you all you woke climate-obsessed voters, fancy giving a fig or a toss about the planet …but there are alternative reads for inner city dwellers than Dame Groan's penny dreadful denialism …

Well they're all up for googling, but the pond particularly liked this effort in the NY Mag ...

...climate change isn’t just a brutal form of time travel, it is discombobulating to our very sense of time. When looking at projections for future warming, an event like the Siberian heat wave appears as an acceleration of history, but when looking at the paleoclimate record, it seems like a trip deep into the prehuman past, toward eras like those, lasting millions of years, when palm trees dotted the Arctic and crocodiles walked in their shade there. Especially at extreme levels, warming threatens the apparent march of progress on which the modern, Western “timeline” model of history was built. But at least until the arrival of large-scale carbon removal technologies, it also illustrates the fact that time — in the form of carbon emissions, which hang in the atmosphere for centuries — is irreversible. Because we are doing so much damage so quickly, destabilizing the entire planet’s climate in the space of a few decades, warming can seem like a phenomena of the present. But its effects will unfurl for millennia, with the climate stabilizing perhaps only millions of years from now. Climate change unwinds history, melting ice frozen for many millennia and pushing rainforests like the Amazon closer to their long-overgrown savannah states. It also makes new history, drawing new borders and new riverbeds, turning breadbaskets like the Mediterranean into deserts and opening up arctic shipping routes to be contested by a new generation of great power military rivalries. It compresses history — those Houston storms, for instance, represent more than a millennia of extreme weather, concentrated in a period of just five years. And it scrambles and scatters it, too, disrupting the cycle of seasons and relocating rain belts and monsoons, among many other distortions. At the same time temperatures in Verkhoyansk reached 100 degrees, in other parts of Siberia it was snowing. Was it winter or summer, a Russian catching the national weather forecast could have been forgiven for asking. They may have wondered, is this our hellish climate future or the return of the Little Ice Age?
Contemplating the impacts of climate change from this perspective can seem naïvely abstract — and it is, when compared to the storms and the wildfires and the droughts. (Not to mention the literal plague of locusts, 360 billion of them, which have devastated agriculture in East Africa and South Asia this year, descending in clouds so thick you couldn’t see through the insects and leaving millions hungry.) But in addition to its humanitarian cruelties, for instance making pandemics like COVID-19 much more likely, warming is already recalibrating much more hard-headed models of time, too. This is a sign that warming is truly the meta-narrative of our century, touching every aspect of our lives. Beyond the catastrophes and crises, the surreal and disorienting aspects of climate change are showing up even in the most numbingly pragmatic places. Like, for instance, mortgages.

Mortgages? What a teaser, but for that and links, it's necessary to head off to the magazine here, while more stolid unwoke folk will hang around for an economics lesson with our original Adam …

The pond offers this as an easy bonus, because it's aware some readers have formed a deep fondness for Killer Creighton's casual way with casualties of viral war ...

Pardon the pond if it got stuck on a thought there, right at the start of the piece. "Never forget that governments have no money - it is always ours".

Say what? Why next thing you know, some uppity layabout bludging young 'uns or canny older folk will think they can just line up with their paws out, because it's not the government's money, it's theirs, and the next thing you know the reptiles have an attack of the vapours on the tree killer front page …

Oh the vile, shameless bludgers. Fancy imagining that the government money is theirs … or is this what is known as Adam's unintended consequences?

Never mind, another gobbet and the economics lesson will be done ...

It's almost as singular  a feat as our Nick at the top of the page. Global pandemic? What pandemic? Apparently what will sort out the world and climate science and pretty much everything else is an economics lecture from Killer Creighton …

Well pardon the pond if it prefers to end with a couple of local thinkers aware that things have changed just a little in the world, though sadly the infallible Pope is behind a paywall, so the pond can only link to the wave-riding immortal Rowe here …

Isn't it amazing he can surf and do press-ups at the same time? What a manly man … what a sporty man ...

In which the Caterist thought that he could at some point in the distant past actually think ...

The pond just had to begin with the Caterist today, if only because the flooded quarry whisperer was blessed with an illustration …

Of course it lacked the quality of the cult master, and was generally wretched, but did it contain a hint of bondage, and is there a safe word the pond should propose before anyone reads the Caterist? How about a chant of "white Caterist, white Caterist"?

Spoiler alert. The pond only slipped in that reference because of the fatuous way that white Caterist began his piece …

Indeed, indeed, is there anything more insincere than an expert in everything, from race relations to the movement in flood waters in quarries to climate science to supplicant for government subsidies to book reviewer?

The pond had always thought of "entertainingly problematic" as a reference to white Caterist's skill as a climate scientist and as a student of the arcane art of the movement of flood waters in quarries ,and as a roadkill victim in court defamation actions, but apparently not… let Caterist the book reviewer please take the stand ...

The Kelvin rating of street lights? Why that's nothing compared to the shirt you might lose in certain court actions …

But the white Caterist and Shriver are on the money - how distressing it is, how unnecessary and wretched this editorial function is. The pond blames blacks and their hyper-sensitivity, as if they've suffered anything at the hands of the British empire or the way things work in the US. Oh if only the confederacy of dunces had won!

The way these folks carry on, why, next thing you know, you might be made to stop telling people they're quarry-owning mass murderers, or you might be forced to cry out "black Caterist power" or some other obscene gibberish, and you might be forced to bend a knee to the dispensers of dinkum justice …

… when really they're little short of serial killers, or poodles on a leash. 

Oh how constricted we are, how white Caterists and white Shrivers must suffer, endless victims of an historical conspiracy … whither robust discourse, you uppity, difficult, tricky, always problematic blacks, or wither discourse if you will ...

And bugger it, the next thing you know the deep science of quarry whispering might be lost to the ages and we might be illiberally erecting statues to who knows who doing who knows what …

And so to the supporting movie, or an episode in the the never-ending one reel serial, or however you like to think of the Major doing the usual reptile routines about the ABC …

Of course the notion that the put-out-to-pasture but kindly kept on the payroll Major lives in the real world is a bit like imagining that Dame Slap doesn't live above the faraway tree on Planet Janet …

How much kinder it would have been to cut the pilot loose and let him go, and let some fresh young white power lizards loose in Surry Hills … but never mind, there's going to be a series of challenging questions asked as we move along with the Major …

Say what? The Major is an avid ABC radio listener? Did this suddenly develop in recent times when the parrot moved on? Has he got something against Ben Fordham? Does he only do it to detect the filthy green lefty perversion of news provided each day by the cardigan wearers? Why didn't he mention Stalin in relation to five year plans? Has the Major gone soft?

But is there anything the ABC can do that won't attract the ire of the reptiles and their failing, flailing business model? What about all the traitors that have left News Corp to join the ABC, or just as bad, the Nine newspapers? Why is Stalinism rampant in the media in this country? Surely there's too much news and current affairs in the ABC, which undermines the reptile business model? Why doesn't the ABC give more money to local comedies hosted by ageing hipsters so that the singular inability of the reptiles to do comedy, or hire a decent cartoonist, might be seen as a strength? Isn't the ABC news a dire threat to the ability of the country to see the world through the rear end of a telescope, Murdochian style?

So little the pond knows or understands ...

Ah, now the pond gets it … there's nothing like getting in a News Corp and Foxtel possum to sort out the ABC … though there are still questions to be asked.

Why didn't Tonagh get the job of sorting out the reptiles when he had the chance? Why does the pond get a chance to laugh at this sort of header?

Mystery upon flattening the text case span mystery, but the pond knew the Major would have the answer ...

Indeed, indeed. Question after question. What has happened to the cult master? Why is the Caterist subjected to a second rate drawing? Why was the recovering reformed feminist the Oreo assigned to reptile duties in relation to Eden Monaro this day? Was she needed when the Nats might just do it?

How on earth was the dog botherer's climate science denialism still hanging around early on a Monday?

Sure, it's gone now, but was someone asleep at the wheel? Don't they get up with the Major and the pond and listen to the ABC, and realise that yesterday's dog botherer is so yesterday, and now we must have another attack on the ABC?

Come to think of it, why was Caroline Overington reduced to doing Strewth!? Where did Alice Workman go, and did anyone care? Why is Alice Workman now back, and does anyone care? Cough, cough …

Why that induced a coughing fit in the sole reader to leave a comment ...

But no doubt the Major has his own set of penetrating questions ...

Ah, that'd be the stunning impartiality displayed by the Major - as in his Order of Lenin ideal hunt - and the ongoing impartiality on view in the lizard Oz …and the necessary impartiality on view in the treatment of climate science, and the remarkable impartiality in importing fodder from The Times, the WSJ, the Spectator and sundry other sources, all reading and sounding remarkably like the braying in unison of donkeys …

And speaking of the braying of donkeys, you guessed it, there was the tough dog botherer out and about talking of sooks and cry babies and such like, apparently unaware that people really didn't like loudmouthed, obnoxious bullies …

Did someone speak of sooks and cry babies? Why the whole dog bother rant is full of the sulks and begin galled and getting agitated by cruel ironies, and oh, the pitiful suffering of the reptiles, why won't you shed a tear, you cruel barbarians …

Yes, the bile and the bitchiness and the resentment is really quite close to the surface … as if the dog botherer himself knows nothing of misleading climate change angles, and oh how the reptiles hate the turncoats, those Speersy and Karvie types that headed off to the cardigan wearers and refused to stay in the hive mind and drink of the kool aid thoughtfully provided in the Surry Hills water coolers …

Sometimes the pond is misled into thinking that the lizard Oz and its scribblers have some remote connection to the real world … but all they can do is gather fluff from their navels, fluff which comes from sitting on the couch watching the ABC for too long, so they can scribble their whining, cry-baby, sooky columns …

For fuck's sake, harden up reptiles, nobody gives a fuck about you, and your failing business model … and blaming it all on the ABC doesn't help, you wretched mob of irrelevant moaners and whiners … get on with your climate science denialism, your bigotry of the Bolter kind, and your love and support of the virus and the Donald … (yes, just imagine if Australia had gone down the path of the USA, as the dog botherer seems to suggest might have been a good idea, rather than listen to alternative views. If that's hysteria, give the pond hysteria every day of the week).

Fortunately, there are cartoonists who drag the pond back into the actual world, including the always relevant Rowe, with more real world experiences available here …

Oh here, have a little more of the real world ...

A Sunday post-script by the Angelic one ...

To say that the pond was terrified for a moment is perhaps an understatement, and why it felt the need to top off its weekend with the reptiles with another posting …

No, not that silly humbug in the New Yorker, currently outside the paywall … that's nothing, just the end of the world, and who cares about that?

No, no, no, it was the Angelic one turning up at the top of the reptile page to announce an impending disaster that terrified the pond ...

Look at those terrifying indolent ferals. Has anyone ever seen a more offensively feral haircut than the one on the sign carrier. And as for that sweet young thing, fancy laughing and smiling at the camera in such an insolent way! And even worse she seems to have some sort of cross draped around her neck - a sure sign of the end times, or perhaps the rapture …

No wonder the Angelic one was in a state of wild excitement, verging on panic and hysteria ...

Outrageous, please pack that sweet blurry young thing into an egg carton, and remind her she's just a commodity. Next thing you know she'll be thinking she should be thinking for herself, and then what happens to her subscription to Murdoch land?

As for no history student knowing about Thucydides, but everyone knowing about Foucault, is it possible that students are also unaware of the monumental stupidity of the Angelic one, and her ability to make fatuous generalisations?

No wonder the Ramsay Centre was a total waste of time and money… but do go on, give the world a dose of hysteria, wreathed in the fumes of nostalgia ...

Yes, indeed, journalists! But remember the Angelic one is no journalist, she's a mother of nine, and surely that qualifies her for just about anything and everything, including punditry and pontification … and speaking of self-aggrandising charlatans and ideological long marches and the triumph of ideologies that scream the loudest, how right she is …

And now, please stand back, and make room for a little esoteric preening and self-congratulation ...

Say what? Is the Angelic one completely unaware that week in, week out, the lizard Oz is full of columnists berating the 'leets?

Dammit, it's the dog botherer's major preoccupation, warning the world about the 'leets …

And Dame Slap and Washington hate the 'leets too …

You can google those if you have the Firefox app that breaks the paywall, but why bother? The point is that the 'leets are deadly, dangerous and possibly feral too.

If the Angelic one doesn't watch out, she'll need to be sent to a re-education camp to understand the dangers of urging on the 'leets …

And what's this about literacy? Who needs to be a good speller to get to be the President of the United States?

Yes, let them study hustory, and if they don't like it, well covfefe them ...

The silly Angelic one doesn't seem to understand that hustory is now the main game in town and soon enough they'll be erecting statues celebrating its contrubution to civilisation …(and if that isn't fluent Kiwi, the pond will give everyone a chup to put on their shoulder, in reptile style) ...

Apparently the Angelic one is also unaware that her mob just tried to price humanities out of the market place ...

Ah, the self-aggrandising charlatans again. Well, the pond's advice is to speak to Dame Slap, because she just loves narcissist snake-oil salesmen and can never get enough of them … and nor can the pond … though to be fair, the Angelic one makes a passing stab at being a social engineer fiddling with education, an amateur psychologist meddling with young minds, and worst of all, a journalist filling up the full to overflowing intertubes with blather ...