In which the pond speaks in tongues before Giles announces a post-modernist apocalypse ...

The pond must stand corrected … at least one reptile took a look at the mutton Dutton in recent days …

   

The pond has some time for Kudelka, but generally doesn't like to mention him, for fear of noting that he must slave away in the bowels of the Murdochians as penance for some crime in a previous life …

And then there's a more general problem with cartooning at the lizard Oz. For some reason, the reptiles stay loyal to a cartoonist with little talent, and little discernible capacity for sharp wit or even humour ...

Wasn't there someone to tell him that he needed a catchier, or at least a shorter punchline? Sadly the seed might not fall far from the tree's ambitions, but the result might still be a stunted orchard …

The pond is pleased to see the reptiles are loyal to the brand name, but misplaced loyalty can be a cruel thing…here's hoping a lot more practice sees some improvements …as always, the pond would settle for being funny.

Meanwhile, speaking of funny, after the outrage at the ABC's daring to do comedy, the reptiles were busy trying to polish another apple …

Oh dear, this is going to be a hard one to swallow, as Eve once said to the serpent ...

Yes, yes, but can we just cut to the chase and remember that deep down it's all about speaking in tongues, getting ready for the rapture and otherwise howling at the moon?

But the pond has been there before … dearly as the pond loves the deeply flawed King James version, how about the way that the Pentecostalists are barking mad biblical literalists, and never mind the issues surrounding the many conflicting things in the bible, the many different hands involved in its composition, the many different translations, the endless interpretations and the theological arguments and disputes about the conflicts and the translations?

The history of Christianity involves more splitters than even the Islamic weirdos managed, and yet ScoMo apparently believes that all scriptures and therefore all translators and translations are infallible and there is but one interpretation which unerringly reveals everything … which seems like an attempt to make US constitutional originalism by comparison grounded in reality and a form of sanity ...

There's more here, but the reptiles aren't intent on wondering just how barking mad it is to see the rapture around the corner, and the devil under the bed, and humanity depraved, and one of the solutions to speak in tongues … though it does make the pond wonder about the character reference …

By golly, couldn't they have picked a better sample still for ScoMo? He looks quite demented and possessed in that snap … look at the crazed eyes and the Forrest Gump grin. He seems about ready for a burst of speaking in tongues, when really he should just be doing his usual round of political lying with a straight face …you know, like claiming that you have the PM of Australia in your camp is living proof of your lack of political influence …

And what about that cap on top of the bizarre grin? How do Paul Kelly and Kev Carmody feel about that shameless trading off? Why, it's about as fake as the pond donning a Cronulla Sharks salary cap cap ...

But enough of this because the pond got very angry at the distraction. 

You see Giles returned to the Speccie mob this day, and the pond reveres its Giles' outings, and really Giles should have been the lead, and the bloody reptiles got in the way with something that really should have left to a Sunday meditation …

So please get cracking Giles, remind the pond how approaching senility is going to affect it too …

Oh dear, not the post-modern apocalypse? Can a speaking in tongues rapture be far behind?

Ah yes, homosexuals living in domestic contentment. What a hideous form of devious Marxism. Why the wretches probably talk of love and devotion in their sinister Marxist way, but a good Christian know how to deal with their depravity. Off to hell for all eternity with the lot of them …

But stay, what brings Giles out to deplore the prospect of happy homosexuals, the very thought no doubt leading him to an attack of the Churchillian black dog and a very heavy bout of drinking?

Yep, he's got a book to flog about the post-modern apocalypse ...

Indeed, indeed. The pond itself is routinely shocked at the bizarre sight of the reptiles of Oz swinging to the hard, post-modernist deviant pinko commie pervert left. 

Each day some fresh horror in the lizard Oz presents itself, some suggestion that Dame Slap, Dame Groan, nattering "Ned", the bromancer, the dog botherer and all the rest have seen the light and swung towards post-modernist climate science and similar deviancies.

Why the prospect of tolerance, understanding and mutual respect emanating from the reptile pages is guaranteed to send the pond into a bigoted, intolerant, one-eyed fundamentalist rage for days ...

It's true that the pond needed the most powerful microscope ever invented to spot the shift, but the pond did so wish that at the very end of that painful gobbet, poor Giles hadn't felt the need to blather on about his blathering on for The Spectator …

It reminded the pond of Australia's flawed immigration policies, and how the black sheep of Britain still seemed to imagine they could flee to Australia, when surely the best way forward is a steady flow of au pairs from Europe, likely not affected by Churchillian black dog syndrome, rampant depression and despair (though possibly local brewers and distillers might disagree and welcome this trade) ...

Well as a dedicated atheist, the pond must now trot off for its class in Marxist belief, while Giles trots off to Christianity for his course on why slavery is approved of in the bible, and why homosexuals must be damned to all eternity for their crime of love …

And now to wrap things up, how about a Wilcox, suggesting that she and Kudelka had something of the same idea, with more Wilcox here …

In which the pond celebrates the reptiles' right to remain silent ...

The pond just had to lead with the infallible Pope today, more trustworthy than the lizards of Oz when it comes to pressing political matters, and with scandals surrounding the mutton Dutton growing, and as always with more Pope here …

A special envoy for the lady people!? Or Pete's au pair service? The pond spent hours mopping up the breakfast cereal ...

According to the wicked leftists google logarithms that have infiltrated the pond's computer, there were some sites paying attention to the mutton Dutton's latest round of scandals du jour…

But how did the lizards of Oz respond? 

Well by a deafening silence, like a mouse overwhelmed in a church by the din of the congregation speaking in voices … with nary a hint on the front page of the tree-killing edition and the digital edition also maintaing a discreet, heroic silence …it was the cricket mob that was taking the heat …

And the reptiles were similarly quiet on another freedom of speech issue that was bedevilling certain sections of the media …

Dammit, how did the leftist logarithms turn up Fox News? 

Thankfully their ABC was also on hand and had no trouble with freedom of speech issues, gleefully reprinting Rodger Shanahan, research fellow at the Lowy Institute didn't give a toss about freedom of speech issues for pardoned people …

Naturally the pond headed off to the Bolter, a vigorous supporter of freedom of speech, especially his freedom to bore the pants off everyone, expecting to see a vociferous denunciation of the government, but came up short. 

Just the great news that ScoMo was ditching the bloat warming crusade … with climate science naturally just religious crusaders in disguise, unlike the hugely scientific Bolter …

Strange, the reptiles also managed to overlook Samoa's thoughts on climate science denialism … "utterly stupid", Samoan Prime Minister Tuilaepa Sailele hits out at climate change sceptics during fiery speech …

Perhaps it was because he was standing in front of a Lowy Institute sign, and we know what they think about freedom of speech.

But with all this freedom of speech - and the reptiles' right to remain silent - burbling around in the pond's head, it seemed right to turn to an occasional reptile, who dropped in from Campion college this day to exercise his right to speak in tongues …

The pond knew immediately what this would be about … the freedom to ban freedom of speech, as Ming the merciless once attempted …

  

Oh it was a right old do back in the day …

 

Of course the pond always sensed some sort of hidden agenda, given the way that Stalinist Communism withered of its own accord and blindness to a sociopathic ruler, and given a certain tendency in certain people …

Ah the good old days, the freedom to speak of supine appeasement. 

So what could a Campion campus man reveal about freedom of speech?

Um, do we have to go back to David van Gend yet again? That bigot really has had his day … how about a current, fresher crisis which by coincidence happens to involve a transgender person?

Yep, that scandal du jour …

The pond is aware that their ABC is happy to celebrate a denial of the right of free speech, so surely Chavura of the Campion would be righteously indignant and seize the moment to take up the cudgels …

Oh wait, the pond forgot. Chavura of the Campion has Ming the Merciless as a hero, and he knew how to deal with people speaking their minds …

Phew, heady freedom of speech stuff, though really Ming must have regretted not being around in time for good old 1080 … but please do go on, it's not as if TG bashing gets enough of an airing these days ...

Ah yes, the deviant left …

And it was done with such impeccable freedom of speech logic too …

Ah yes, freedom of speech is a tricky issue, though it never seemed to trouble the Catholic church when it came to Franco in Spain ...

Ah, the Menzies legacy …

Uh huh, but what about the freedom of speech crisis du jour?

Oh never mind, the pond can recognise the symptoms of rampant stupidity and hypocrisy …

In such cases, the doctor in the pond comes out, and it always recommends taking a Rowe daily, with more Rowe here for regular, reliant treatment. If the course is maintained, it's even possible to break free of the reptiles' determined intention to remain silent …

In which the pond goes full Shakespeare with the savvy Savva ...

The pond did its training on an FX, so it understood that a dipstick was more than a jolly way to refer to the onion muncher …

A dipstick was a reminder that a pint of oil would come in handy, possibly every second day, and these days the savvy Savva is the best reptile dipstick doing the rounds for anyone wanting to assess the level of residual bitterness in the Liberal party … and by golly that poignant contrasting of the Kroger with the Savva in the reptile splashes was just what the pond was looking for …

Of course the pond has no time for faint-hearted women who moan about being bullied. It's the divine right of cock-bearing men to bully anyone in sight, and if women don't like it, why they should get back to the kitchen and do something easy, like experiencing a twenty hour delivery …

And so on and so forth, how the pricks love their thrusting and bollocking, though the pond was sure that the savvy Savva took a slightly different view of why women should have to endure a pain in the arse of the Kroger kind …

Hmm, if the pond's patented dipstick is any guide, there's still a good deal of residual bitterness at the way that unreconstructed dinosaurs go about their political business …

Wilcox seems to capture the look of the demented luddite dinosaur well, and there's Wilcox more here.

But back to measuring the bitterness ...

Yes indeed, for the first and possibly the last time in its life the pond thought that Terry Barnes got it right …

My 'speaking in tongues' liege, 
They are not yet come back. 
Barners is still out Woop Woop way
And the onion muncher is beyond the black stump
But I have spoke 
With one that saw him die, who did report 
That very frankly he confessed his treasons, 
Implored your highness' pardon, and set forth 
A deep repentance. Nothing in his life 
Became him like the leaving of parliament. He died 
As one that had been studied in his political death 
To throw away the dearest thing he owed 
The chance to fuck up another NBN, say Snowy 2.0
As ’twere a careless trifle.

Yes the only reason the pond heads to Fairfax these days is for the cartoons ...

And now for a final check on the bitterness level, with the pond suspecting that perhaps an old school gallon of oil might be required at end of read …

Oh dear, poor Mathias. Not Mathias … why there goes half a dozen good Micallef sketches in a Terminator trice ...

MALWARE: Et tu, Mathias?! Then fall, Malware. 
(Dies)
JOSH: Liberty! Freedom! Tyranny is dead! Run hence, proclaim, cry it about the streets. 
SCO MO: Some to the common pulpits, and cry out 'Liberty, freedom, and enfranchisement!' MATHIAS: People and senators, be not affrighted; Fly not; stand stiff: ambition's debt is paid. 
JOSH: Go to the pulpit, Mathias. 
SCO MO: Where's the savvy Savva? 
JOSH: Here, quite confounded with this mutiny. 
ONION MUNCHER: Stand fast together, lest some friend of Malware's 
Should chance-- 
SCO MO: Talk not of standing. Onion muncher, good cheer; 
There is no harm intended to your person, 
Nor to no dinkum cobblers else: so tell them, Onion Muncher, 
we have a tasty job bringing peace 
And civilisation to primitive tribes for you. 
JOSH: And leave us, Onion Muncher; lest that the people, 
Rushing on us, should do your age some mischief. 
There are tribes to be pacified, 
while Barners leads the chanting for rain.
SCO MO: Do so: and let no man abide this deed, 
But we the doers. 
Re-enter BARNERS, a caring family man: Where is Julie? 
GREG the HUNTER: Fled to her house amazed: 
Men, wives and children stare, cry out and run 
As it were doomsday. 
SCO MO: Fates, we will know your pleasures: 
That we shall die, we know; 'tis but the time 
And drawing days out, that men stand upon. 
Bring forth the entrails
So that I might examine them and speak in tongues.
MATHIAS: Why, he that cuts off twenty years of life 
Cuts off so many years of fearing political death. 
SCO MO: Grant that, and then is political death a benefit: 
So are we Malware's friends, that have abridged 
His time of fearing death and worrying about the NBN
Stoop, dinkum cobbers, stoop, 
And let us bathe our hands in Malware's blood 
Up to the elbows, and besmear our swords: 
Then walk we forth, even to the market-place, 
And, waving our red weapons o'er our heads, 
Let's all cry 'Peace, freedom and liberty!'

Or some such thing, same as it ever was, even Molesworth's desire to molest the bard and Romans and Latin …

Perhaps the pond should just check the sump and the swamp, and settle for another Wilcox …

Oh yes, same as it ever was …

In which the pond joins Moorice to stare in the rear view mirror ...

Stories the reptiles will need to tweak to be cheerful part three - white hot anger noted at the ABC here, as if a white envoy armed with beads and trinkets and perhaps a tomahawk can't save the world, and The Conversation dealing out saucy doubts and fears here, and SBS doubling down on the condescending envoy here …

Damn you, leftist Google logarithm, how did you discover the pond's secret life away from the reptiles? See how the reptiles tweaked the yarn to raise a polite, discreet "doubt" …

What else? Well apart from the mission to save the pesky, difficult blacks, urgently in need of the onion muncher's benediction, the pond could have gone with the strident free speech campaign the reptiles immediately mounted in relation to the Manning matter. The pond was astonished at the way that the reptiles, the Bolter, everyone swung on board, and made freedom of speech a front page crusade …

Oh wait, there it is, the pond can put away its binoculars ...

We keed, we keed. Clearly the wrong sort, and worthy of a ban …

Or the pond could have gone with the cawing Crowe's attempt to sanitise Angus, but the reptiles sorted that one out quickly …

 

Indeed, he's not a climate sceptic, he's just bloody sceptical it's worth getting out of bed to try to sort out the hysterical believers in the new apocalyptic religion, and all their jibber jabber speaking in tongues nonsense about the impeding rapture …

And speaking of religion, the pond could have wandered down the path with the Terrorists …

Now the pond knows that the Terrorists love to speak in tongues, and don't see anything silly and worthy of comedy in the sight of people speaking in tongues. 

The pond has seen the phenomenon in close up and thinks it's even weirder than cannibals getting together on a Sunday to munch on human flesh and blood …

Yaroooh he he he I say you fellows he he he yarooh garoooar …

But enough of speaking in tongues pond style, that's better left to a Sunday meditation - with more fun and comedy stylings here. 

What else? You see, the pond's much esteemed curatorial standards can't allow talk of Christ arriving backwards by Christmas in a state of rapture to sort things out as an easy distraction from important reptile concerns …

Say what? They buried Moorice third from the top and probably didn't award him a Krygsman or a Lobbecke, and thereby denied him the sanctification of cult reptile status? 

The pond was outraged and scandalised … 

Forget the storming of Queensland, forget big business, forget the Donald's splendid behaviour about the flag, whenever Moorice speaks, perforce the pond must listen, as if transfixed by the Ancient Mariner himself ...

Heady stuff, this yearning for the picket fence, with a land homogenised like full cream milk, and no need to send out envoys to try to tame this terra nullius …

Oh sweet, yearning Moorice dreaming, how poignant it is to see, how the pond was reduced to tears at his suffering, how natural and right is his martyrdom … please, let the suffering continue …

Now as a humble curator, it's the pond's duty to walk around, kick the tyres, perhaps suggest re-treads,   stuff another banana in the diff, and do other quality assurance inspections, and Moorice's outing surely passes any test with flying colours …

This is exactly the sort of fare the pond thrives, up there with speaking in tongues.

For starts, the pond scents a determined effort to maintain a persecution complex and victimhood status by Moorice, and anyone who can blather on endlessly about the glories of Ming the Merciless and then deplore a tendency to "rear-view mirror" thinking is surely a loon of the absolutely unique first water …

Let no-one say that the Moorice doesn't deliver …

Please, allow the suffering and the rear-view thinking to continue …

Yes, indeed, it's absolutely wrong to revert to the rear-view option. Bring on Ming the Merciless and let everyone speak in tongues …

Just another day for the pond down the coal mine, with the hard-working reptiles, scouring the earth for carbon gems that can be turned into jewels.

All the pond needs to complete a sense of a hard hard yakka's done in time for morning tea is a David Rowe cartoon. 

And as usual, the obliging Rowe delivers, with a genial offer of hired help - call on the mutton Dutton if you're a senior reader in need of a saucy French au pair, or consider a walkabout with Barners and the onion muncher, or just head off for more Rowe, available at a click here …