In which the pond offers a post-identity world, and nattering "Ned" as lunch-time treats setting up the mood for a siesta ...

Mortified by its refusal to defend the Castro regime against Dame Slap, the pond hunted around for some alternative examples of the barking mad and didn't have far to look.

As always, the reptiles are full to overflowing with the good oil...

Yes, it's easy to spot the whiff of triumphant delusionalism in that the splash for Johns' piece, but the whiff is a bagatelle up against the full to overflowing whiffery of the full piece ...

Brave new post-identity world? You mean there'll be no more angry old white men?

You see, not just plain delusional, but pure bigoted barking mad ... and those who doubted the pond's capacity to deliver without benefit of Dame Slap, take a chill pill and settle back for the rest of the distilled essence of utopian jibber jabber ...

Yep, the plain speaking Johns can't even plainspeak bullshit, but instead must resort to bulldust, while spreading an endless amount of cow dung.

Now here's the pond conundrum, which others might be able to answer. Was Johns being post-Trumpian satirical when he scribbled that final par? Read it again in all its glory ...

What the fuck? In a post-identity world, people of identity will ...

What the flaming delusional fuck?

60,000 years of tribes, or more,  and suddenly Johns announces a post-identity world full of dignity? Can the pond have nukes with that?

As well as Mardi Gras, will we be killing off Santa Claus, the easter bunny, the tooth fairy and any attempts to bring back saturnalia?

Why did he pick out the gay Mardi Gras? Why not New Year fireworks, where the tribal children of Guy Fawke gather to welcome in the new year.

Why did the killjoy settle for terminating a bit of a song and a dance at Mardi Gras around the world?

And he has the hide to label others as regressive?

What the killjoy heck?

Okay, that's the barking mad out of the way but the pond began to feel like it needed another sugar hit, and that's when it realised it needed a downer, something to slow the pulse and produce an afternoon siesta, and what better way than that other loon featured in the Oz splash at the top of the digital opinion page, solemn ponderous portentous "Ned" Kelly ... (though even the reptiles recognise the ennui factor and nattering "Ned" subsequently dropped right down the page).

Slower than a speeding bullet. More tedious than a locomotive without steam. Able to toddle around tall buildings at a tedious pace.

Yes, it's narcotic "Ned", strange visitor from a reptile planet who came to the Murdochians with powers and abilities to produce a somnolent state far beyond those of mortal Murdochians ...

Okay, that's enough entertainment, it's sleepy time ...

Oh come now. Surely the reptiles and the Donald have many shared values ...

Lock 'em up, and if we might transpose CNN as the American equivalent of Fairfax, the ABC, SBS, the Graudian and all the rest of the lily-livered wretches who dare to mention actual facts, abuse them for failing badly and getting worse ...

And now back to tedious "Ned", though admittedly there's as much channelling as there is nattering ...

Manage Donald Trump? By joining in a hot war with China?

Oh yes, let's manage the Donald, he sounds ever so manageable ...

Well brave journalist "Ned" is doing his job, dear Donald ...

Get ready for a few lessons from the brave, bold scribbler ...

Indeed, indeed, a healthy relationship with the barking mad, ruling by Twitter, and with just the occasional divergence, and with that, all is well in the world, thanks to the incisive "Ned" ...

Well if all that's conducive to a healthy relationship, nattering "Ned" is welcome to it, but count the pond out.

Now let's see how others are preparing for a healthy relationship ... by heading to Canada ...

The embedded links in that story are here ...

And now to help people wake up after their time with Johns and nattering Ned, here's Rowe merrily ding donging up a fun song, and more ding donging here ...

In which the pond thanks the reptiles for their support of science, then shouts along with the Devine at shocking feminist change agents ...

There's been some cluck-clucking and tut-tutting about the performance of Australian students in maths and science this morning, and indeed it is disturbing ... as noted at the top of the front of the tree-killing edition of the lizard Oz available for free at airports throughout the land ...

It means all the valiant effort and work of such leading scientists as the Bolter, Moorice, Dame Slap, Miranda the Devine, little Timmie Bleagh - the celebration of science is one of the more remarkable achievements of the Murdochians - and luminaries like the parrot, have all been in vain ...

The reptiles routinely provide some of the best science reporting in the nation. Who couldn't admire the contributions of Gra Gra Lloyd, amplifying all the best in advanced scientific thinking ...

Yes, damn you corrupt and incompetent UN world conspiracy affiliated scientists, it's all your fault. And frankly until creationism is taught alongside vile Darwinian evolutionary nonsense, the pond will never rest.

And it would be remiss of the pond not to note the scientific efforts of Malcolm Roberts, Cory, northern gorgeous George, and other leading national politicians who in their spare time are expert scientists.

Thank heavens this downgrading of maths and science  has nothing to do with Malware's celebration of copper as the way to connect a nation - to visit the future we must always return to the past - or the promotion of the CSIRO as a place for endless job opportunities ...

Anyway, why would anyone want to work in such a corrupt organisation pursuing contemptible notions of science? What do we scientists want? We want an inquiry, and we want it now. Conspiracy theorists of the world unite!

Normally this day, the pond would head off to one of the world's leading climate scientists, who once worked in tandem with Screaming Lord Monckton to draw attention to the way that the UN was furtively using climate science to establish world government ...

But this day Dame Slap is busy trying to lure the pond into defending Castro ...

Truth to tell, the pond wouldn't have lasted very long in the land of the dictator, the pond having a dislike of all forms of lifetime dictatorship, be they of the left, the right, or the mad as a march hare Trumpian kind that is to come ...

But that news that women could now call angry white men actual angry white men when confronted by angry white men (as opposed to angry white red-headed expert scientific women) shocked the pond to its core ...

Fortunately, there was a valiant scribe, herself a leading mathematician, former CSIRO worker, and leading climate scientist loose in Murdoch la la land, and to hand to warn the pond of a wicked evil stalking the continent ...

By golly, that graphic was a ripper, and please children, settle down at the back, we shall return to politically correct social engineering in due course.

First let's admire the way the Murdochians have at last come across the Sarah Connor look, fresh from 1984...

Oops, forgot the bandana.  Is it the Aliens look modelled by Jenette Goldstein as Private Vasquez?

And so adequately prepared and forewarned, we can stray into Devine territory ...

Oh dear, look at those shameless, hairy arm-pitted hussies ... and look at the store that supports the Devine, flogging Bar Keepers Friend to the readership. Well they know their logarithms, don't they?

Now it will help in the read if everyone joins in the pond's game.

Whenever you see a servile, lickspittle man working in tandem with women, you must shout out with all your strength, "look out, it's a filthy, vile, wicked feminist change agent" ...

Remember, this is exactly what Castro would have wanted if any stray homosexual had dared to flaunt themselves in the street ... though towards the end, Castro tried to walk back what he'd done ...

Good children, that shout of "feminist change agent" really startled the pond. 

Remember, you shouldn't shout at the men - after all, everyone gets emails of women having sex just to spice up the day - when the real enemy are those wicked diversity champions and feminist change agents.

Please, set aside your ambitions in maths and science, and your hope of getting a job in Murdoch la la land in lieu of the CSIRO so that we can keep playing the game, and look, you get that bonus Aliens graphic ...

Oh well played children. 

That shout of "feminist change agent" really rocked the foundations and the rafters ... and isn't that illustration such tremendous fun ... though perhaps we could wonder if the artist missed a chance in that line about bringing the military to heel. 

Shouldn't the boots have been high-heeled? Did the artist lack a model? Strange, there are plenty to hand ...

Indeed, indeed, and damn those feminist change agents, they even nobbled a brave croweater ... what next, Rudy doing it to the Donald?

And now children, perhaps we could change the game just a little. 

The pond has always found it's tremendous fun to shout "politically correct social engineering" and we've waited since the start of Miranda's mouthings to do it, and now you can join in ...

Tremendous, what a great shout, and the next time a woman is raped at a university, or anywhere much else, remember to thank the pandering Devine, and shout "oh stop whining woman, we've had enough of your exercises in politically correct social engineering. Just lie there and take it like a good girl ..."

Well as often happens in the Terror there was one mug who bothered to take the Devine seriously, as opposed to the hate-mongering essence of vitriol she is ...

Foolish possum, fancy thinking a few facts might count in a post-Trumpian world where the reptiles are tops at science ...

Frankly that bit about climate science at the end was the final straw for the pond, seeing as how the reptiles are amongst the world's leading climate scientists ... perhaps only the Donald himself is more expert ...

Now usually at this point, as a way to end proceedings, the pond would offer a little parfume de Devine for everyone to splash on ... vitriole, such a charming fragrance ...

But instead, why not splash on a David Pope cartoon, and more essence of papal insight here ...

Dammit, these feminist change agent masterminds are fiendishly clever and cunning in their disguises ...

In which the pond agonises between Dame Groan and doddering Donners ...

Choices, choices, so many choices ...

And yet, and yet ... the pond is large and can embrace contradictions, and in the interest of capitalism, consume much, and besides, it turns out that Dame Groan's effort isn't up to much ...

And that's it? Talk about short weight, talk about the butcher's finger on the sales.

Still, it's admirable, the geography on display. All those stupid geography classes wasting the pond's time when we could have just shouted at the teacher "it's all bonkers bunkum" ...

Oh you stupid geographers with your stupid maps, get away with thee ... always over-stating the connection. What a stretch and a waste of time you are, and besides don't you realise that viewed from Mars, that map is upside down, and the water's flowing to the north?

And now, having been educated by the Dame, it's time to turn to doddering Donners in the hope for a little more education ...

Oh dear, oh dear, the love of the Judeo-Christian American education system is apparently inexhaustible and we must all turn to home schooling, because where else are you going to get the righteous elements of climate science denialism and the rigorous teaching of the science of creationism ...

Now as always the elephant in the Donners' room is the Catholic education system, that's if we pass over the way that Donners had a short-lived career trying to fuck over school curriculums on behalf of the onion muncher.

Some will think it passing strange and heretical at the subtle distinction between expert teachers and classroom pedagogy, though the pond is prepared to bet a London bridge to a brick, that half an hour in a classroom with Donners at the helm would put the pond to sleep ...

And so to the love of Trumpism now abounding in the land ...

There are many problems with this, and not just that dumb and dumber penned that immortal educational tome Dumbing Down.

It's to do with the simplistic, bizarre American notion of 'choice', which has turned out to mean a choice between a huge variety of doughnuts all with cinnamon, a choice between a rampantly stupid range of assorted instant or takeaway shitty coffee, and a choice between a multiplicity of fast foods, though all with an abundance of fat, sugar, grease, cheese, and high fructose syrup guaranteed to ensure any choice will result in an obesity epidemic ...

Is it any wonder that questions are sometimes asked about the outcomes of  educational "choice"?

It's safe to say ... and there's more saying at the NY Times here, and many more places on the intertubes ... that anyone peddling the simplistic, easy notion that vouchers are the way forward and will fix everything, are peddling the usual pie in the sky in the marketplace by and by ...

In much the same way that the federal government, following the mantra of the marketplace and the folly of choice, now has a mighty mess on its hands which will take years to sort out, thanks to the private sector's rorting and looting of training funds and suckered students ...

But of course by the time the regulators have made a move to catch up with the rorters, they're long gone, and with them, the loot, or the lolly ... as the old woman in The Ladykillers was fond of calling it ...

Of course there's Donners la la land, and then there's reality, for anyone who followed that wild west link in the NY Times to get to here ...

Detroit has got plenty of problems, a lot to do with free markets, and none particularly susceptible to sorting out via the mantra of choice.

Would you like some cinnamon on the bun? Or would you like a super-sized serve of cinnamon? The choice is yours ...

But if you want your child to grow up a tweeting paranoid conspiracy theorist, full as a goog with doddering Donners' "choice", just get them following the Donald on Twitter ...

Now that's how to re-write history. No wonder Dame Groan knew how to re-write geography ...

And now class, it's time for a science lesson, thanks to Twitter ...

In which the pond performs its civic duty thanks to the Caterists and desiccated coconut Henry ...

Eek, the unions are coming, the unions are coming. 

Quick, children and developers hide under the bed, even Malware, Mike Baird and the reptiles can't save you ...

Now the pond has performed its civic duty - let thousands of shoddy, shonky apartments be built to house the rats, and let developers run wild and free - it's time to get on to other important civic matters, and as always, the Caterists are the pond's faithful guide ...

Actually if the Grattan Institute has its way, the pond still won't be paying for a can of coke, let alone a tax on same. 

The pond gave up the hard stuff years ago, and hasn't gone back to the vile, addictive concoction ... after all, when it lost the opium component, what was the point?

It was also part of the pond's fat chance involved in losing a considerable amount of weight, and what a blessing that was for the pond and the health system ...

And now, before we move on, bugler please and a solemn reminder of the Caterists' valiant rearguard action to help out big tobacco ...

Brave, bold valiant lad, cheering on the relatively modest burden to the health care system, as people nobly smoke themselves to death.

And so to big sugar, the big new battleground for big tobacco lovers ...

Strange, the pond thought that Africans were the victims of pillaging Poms of the ancestral Caterist kind, devious difficult Dutch of the Bolter kind, rampaging Italians, foraging French, and let's not forget King Leopold II of Belgium ...

Now of course the elephant in the Caterist bedroom that set him off on the rant was another matter, but the Grattan Institute can look after itself ...

Anyone interested can find more here,  but frankly, the pond is perfectly happy if anyone wants to enter themselves into the Darwin Awards by devouring huge amounts of soda ... 

That way, blinded and limping along on their diabetes - yes, there's a cure for diabetes, it's called starvation - they might be able to avoid reading the Caterist blather about free markets and free trade, while at the same time managing to celebrate the arrival of the protectionist Donald on the scene ...

Are these fools aware of any contradictions at any point in their scribbling life? Nope, and in due course that Grattan elephant pops out of the woodwork, as would be expected from the blathering chin-stroker, pea in a rival institute pod, Caterist ...

Indeed, indeed, and once upon a time, curbing tobacco consumption was also supposed to bring about the end of the capitalist world, free trade, free markets, and the right of people to kill themselves, or at least become a decent burden on the health system ...

But wait, there's more. The pond didn't go into it yesterday - so many blathering reptiles, so little time - but the murmuration of starlings makes this fit for a double bunger issue ...

Yes, it was good old Henry "hole in the bucket" desiccated coconut Ergas, and he too was agitated about the Grattan people ...

Now once again, the Grattan people can take care of themselves, it's going to be a long, slow battle, and it requires people to realise that the supermarkets are sellers of poison, and they really don't give a fig or a whit or a jot about their customers' health, and that could take forever.

It's unlikely smug old Henry or the Caterists ever wandered down the supermarket aisle and got themselves hooked, in classic pond and lumpenproletariat fashion, on junk sugar ... what a hard habit it is to break, a bit like the habit of reading the reptiles, though possibly less damaging to mental health.

The reason the pond is hanging in on good old desiccated coconut Henry is the punchline joke he delivers in fine killer style at the end ...

Good one Henry. Nothing like sticking it to the Grattan for making out like bandits with its generous taxpayer funding...

Now what about the Caterists? Can they be part of the comedy routine?

Oh bliss, oh poop. Fancy good old Henry helping the pond with its ritual mention of the Caterists dipping their paw into taxpayer grant cash. 

Yes, with their generous taxpayer funding, the Caterists are here to conduct roundtables and seminars on the virtues of big sugar ...

And so to a scurrilous Rowe cartoon, which has nothing to do with sugar, but such is its joyous portrait of a demented bat in the belfry that the pond just had to run it ... and as always, more Rowe and his Xmas calendar present here ...