Friday, September 04, 2020

In which the pond is swamped by so much lizard Oz choice, it gave up scones for hambergers ...


The pond started off its latest journey in the lizard Oz in good spirits, with the onion muncher front and centre, as is right, because our very own narcissist has of late been suffering from a deep irrelevancy syndrome, and it doesn't matter what they're saying, right?, so long as they're saying something ...


Imagine the pond's disappointment to discover that the rest of the piece was really a slack-arsed, sorry excuse for a story which featured a whole bunch of Sky News tweets and embedded video clips.

When you excised this dross, this internal house cross-promotion, this is what you were left with ...


Sod that for a joke, the pond thought. Is that the best Magnay can do these days, troll for Sky News? 

The pond wanted a real Pom saga, and luckily our hole in the bucket man came to the rescue, with another piece in the ongoing Promgate saga ...


Before beginning to feast on our Henry's entirely predictable Pomgate Promgate, British to the bootstraps, the gatling's jammed, the square runs red with blood, play up and play the game crap, the pond wanted to draw attention to this stunning controversy ....


The pond had wondered if it might ever find the chance to reply to Joel Golby scribbling in the Graudian This phoney war over Last Night of the Proms is everything we deserve ...

Sir, with the greatest respect, and with the first sightings of starlings in the garden this spring, the discussion is not over. If the pond happens to like to dollop cream on to its scone, followed by lashings of jam, then learn to live with it. If the pond happens to like a rich bed of killer butter beneath the cream, then so much the better for a heart attack.

What's that you say, enough of these culture wars, and on to our Henry?



Oh dear, another tedious history lesson from our Henry. What a boring old fart he is, but the pond dares to suggest that he is everything the readers of the lizard Oz deserve ... while readers of the Graudian might be more amused by Golby's positively brill (once the scones matter was settled) take on the sublime stupidity of old fogey cultural warriors doing a Colonel Blimp...

 




But enough of conscious comedy ... here have a slice of Kendal mint cake, it'll get you buzzing and shaking like a dose of speed ...



... and you'll need it, because we now must return to the comedy stylings of our Henry ...


Oh fuck he really is a classic goose, and a pompous ass, but the cunning way the pond has arranged it allows the pond a final serve of Golby before a final Henry gobbet ...




Alas and alack Joel, wrong again, with your talk of dim eight-year-olds.  Why our Henry is of a goodly age, and yet he still loves a tantrum and the penny behind the ear ... and we know why this is so, because he's reached that other, final stage, where gibbering and drooling kicks in ...

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first, the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms.
Then the whining schoolboy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress' eyebrow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon's mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lined,
With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slippered pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side;
His youthful hose, well saved, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank, and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion,
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.


 And  to that childish treble, that second childishness and mere oblivion in a final gobbet ...


But some good can come out of nonsense, because it's a good chance to remind readers that the proud British tradition of Punch-drunk cartooning survives in The Graudian in the form of works by Chris Riddell, with more recent outings here





And so to the Oreo, and as we're speaking of cancel culture, it was the pond's turn to get indignant ...


Now the pond had to put the Oreo on a warning. Apart from the health risk that the biscuit after which she's named poses, the pond truly hopes that the reformed, recovering feminist will not under any circumstance launch an attack on the lifestyle and dietary choices of the Donald ...




Sure the Donald himself talks about mini-strokes and such like, but what a meal for kings and emperors and Donalds ... it's only in woke rags like The New Yorker that you'll read pathetic stories about The Pure American Banality of Donald Trump's White House Fast-Food Banquet ...

What's the best thing to do with a vegie garden in the White House? Dig it up. What to do with children who refuse to eat their vegies? Certainly not spank them, give them a hamberger ...

Now the pond has given the Oreo fair warning about this woke cancel culture crap, let her begin ...



Strewth, has the bloody useless Oreo, itself a fabulous food treat, heard nothing of what the pond said?

The pond prescribes her a goodly dose of hambergers ...




Oh she might think she's doing good in her woke recovering, reformed feminist way, but it seems that something of the puritan still lingers ... what she needs is a gallon of soda pop and a few dozen 'bergers ...


The pond was shocked, nay appalled by the Oreo's behaviour. Her anti-Donald woke posturing is exactly the sort of thing that would shock our Henry and many other reptiles. It's anti-tradition, it's anti-American, it goes against the god-given right of people to eat how they please, without nagging do gooders and vegans and such like whispering in their ear. Please prepare the banquet ...





By golly, he doesn't need loaves and fishes, he just needs a good collection of hambergers ... with lots of cheese, and if the pond wants cheese, cream and jam on its scone, then it will bloody well do what it likes, and none of these culture warriors will stop it ...

And now the pond must report with shame on the many excellent pieces it has missed this day ...


Oh how the pond was tempted by that talk of a police state, but was content that it had covered the anti-berger police state offered by the Oreo ...

But lo, look there, is that not the venerable Moorice?

Could the pond at any time ignore Moorice, expert on climate science and just about anything else you might drag to the banquet?

It would mean the pond running way over length, but sometimes patriotic duty and standing to attention to listen to the British anthem is something every reptile reader must do ...


You see? The reptiles blessed him with a gift from the cult master. It's a tad opaque, but still it resonates in the mind ...

And there's an even bigger point. When interested in solving the difficulties presented by tricky, wilful perverse black folks, should we pay attention to what they might have to say? Of course not!  Is there any better way than to invite an aged white fart to give them a lecture on their sullen, resentful ways?!


Of course when you're Moorice, no one else has a clue, which is why he's such a wondrous climate scientist, and if put in charge, would soon sort out those pesky, difficult blacks, and in the process sort out SloMo too ...


Of course a few pesky difficult blacks might observe that their lifestyle is a tad distinguishable from others in cities and towns, if only by the frequency with which they're given a dose of the slammer, but what would the pond know, up against the regurgitated wonders of Moorice's splendid, positively brill insights ...

And so on to the blame game ...



Of course, of course, and if Moorice were allowed to box a few ears, and perhaps introduce universal conscription,  that would sort everything out, and if anyone got uppity or difficult, why lock 'em up, because a few months in the slammer always works wonders ...

And so the pond headed to the weekend feeling righteous and justified. Running with Moorice had been a good thing, and the Oreo had been put back in her apologetic white, greenie-vegie sympathising basket, and all that was left was to put an infallible Pope on top of the cream and the jam to wrap things up ...




By golly that's a worthy addition to a great line in representational art ...






10 comments:

  1. Maybe it's just the photo, but hasn't the onion muncher taken on a wonderful Trumpian orange glow!

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  2. Hi DP. Your interpretation of today’s cult master effort as meaningless is as good as any I could conjure up. The only saving grace of this piffling graphic is the faithful rendering of Scomo’s paunch.

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    Replies
    1. Yes but, doesn't it just look like it should mean something, Kez ? The seriously bepaunched SloMo breaking out of his clothing - illustrating his enhanced susceptibility to 'death by COVID' as the Oreo must surely have informed him - holding a Pommie dominated Aussie flag and a torn and fragile Aboriginal flag together with his extended two-handed grip - and all seen through the lens of a smartphone camera.

      I mean surely any Flagship reptile would instantly decode that, wouldn't they ? Other than Moorice, that is.

      Delete
  3. It must be "lecture the peasants on their shortcomings" day. No, come to think of it, that's every day in reptile la-la land. But we get this from the Oreo anyway: "The COVID crisis will soon pass. What will remain is an obesity epidemic that lowers individual quality of life and the health of nations."

    Wau, that's a big deal ennit. So it really is all about QALYs (Quality Adjusted Life Years) now - if you are "obese" (ie BMI greater than 30) then your life is short and miserable. So much for lifetime expectancy in Australia being 80.7 for men and 84.9 for women (non aboriginals, that is - subtract about 10 years for them). And it's an "epidemic" ! Dying like flies we are and if it wasn't for so many of us being obese, life expectancy would already be well into 3 digits, wouldn't it.

    Well, I guess I'd better fess up, my BMI is 33.2 - which clearly exceeds the 'obese' level of 30. But then, I've just had my annual pathology test and guess what ? Yep, I'm fine: ok blood pressure, ok sugar level and not even a remote sign of diabetes etc etc (shh, don't mention that I'm just a little bit above normal for cholesterol but that it's not doing me any harm).

    So anyway, let us just keep things like this in mind:
    "Since BMI doesn't take body mass composition or distribution into account, it is basically blind to fitness level and body shape.

    You probably won't be found to be obese when you're actually underweight, but for people who are borderline, being misplaced is easy.

    For example, you can be an athlete in great shape and be deemed overweight or even obese. Or, you could have an average BMI but carry a significantly higher amount of mass in your torso, which as some studies show can be a predictor of health risks such as cardiovascular disease or diabetes
    ."
    https://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/well-good/teach-me/92682951/athletes-and-muscular-sport-stars-demonstrate-the-shortcomings-of-bmi

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    1. You need to shop around more - this one takes your age and sex into account and will probably drag you back into the overweight category with the rest of us.

      https://www.smartbmicalculator.com/

      I knew a guy in his late 50s who was still racing pushbikes competitively who fell into the overweight category. He was quite skinny so it must have been the muscle mass in his legs pushed him over.

      Trump hedged his bets by getting lighter as well as taller.

      Delete
    2. Well that reduced me by 0.2 to 33.0 yay ! :-)

      But I have been a naughty boy of late - I fell passionately in love with honey salted caramel almond ice cream and I've had to give it up. So in a week or three, I should be back to 30.1 - at which point I will be insufferably healthy.

      Delete
  4. I doubt it is mere coincidence that Moorice has been dragged out of lockdown when his other celestial mate Plutonium Tones, failed PM and minister for Aboriginal matters of the heart, once again treats the world with his Icarus down under impersonation.
    Like peas in a pod and both self declared permanent agnostics on all matters of the intellectual, as well as both being closet Poms, these two bozos are natural bookends of the reptile absurd. Maybe Moorice could return to Ilford and take up his previous role as adviser to the OM. With Boris and the Tories looking like leaders of a punch drunk 3rd. world nation, Moorice and the Muncher would be a natural asset for their downward death spiral because what Britain desperately needs is a couple more conspiratorial royal loons.
    In January 2012 Newman had an article published in The Spectator in which he expressed views in opposition to wind energy. He wrote, "I am not a conspiracy theorist, but we have witnessed the birth of an extraordinary, universal and self-reinforcing movement among the political and executive arms of government, their academic consultants, the mainstream media and vested private sector interests (such as investment banks and the renewables industry), held together by the promise of unlimited government money. It may not be a conspiracy, but long-term, government-underwritten annuities have certainly created one gigantic and powerful oligopoly which must coerce taxpayers and penalise energy consumers to survive." His article concluded, "But don’t expect help from academia, mainstream media or the public service. They are members of the same establishment and worship together at the altar of global warming. By ruthlessly perpetuating the illusion that wind farms can somehow save the planet, they keep the money flowing. All the while the poor become poorer, ever more dependent on welfare and colder in winter."
    In July 2014, Newman was "kicked off" a wind farm committee after it was discovered he was attempting to restrict speakers from attending meetings.

    Moorice would do himself a favour by watching yesterday’s repeat of the documentary, We Are No Longer Shadows.......because he doesn’t give a fuck about anyone, let alone Aboriginals.

    https://www.google.com/search?q=we%20are%20no%20longer%20shadows&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&client=firefox-b-m

    As for the Oreo, she would be perfect as a BMI border guard, keeping all those fat Covid19 types at bay....who of lesser credentials as hers could we ask for?
    I do love the photos DP....candelabras and hamberders. Mmmmm!

    And as for the history bucket of the 7th age, he is a willing patsy to the fact so well noted by Joel that there is no shortage of distraction merchants of the IPA, Heritage Institute and 55 Tufton St. types.

    https://www.desmog.co.uk/55-tufton-street
    I’ve angrily noticed even the venerable ABC, along with the reptiles have let this bit of shitfuckery off the democracy radar too!

    https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2020/sep/03/australian-government-gags-debate-to-ram-environmental-law-changes-through-lower-house?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other
    The Australian Gas cabinet, along with the toads of Canberra must be laughing like a pack of hyenas. SOS.
    CA.

    https://youtu.be/EfK-WX2pa8c

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    Replies
    1. The Clash, CA - that's a strange one for you: 40,085,684 views and 10,350 Comments. :-) But youtube followed it up with Should I Stay or Should I Go (Live at Shea Stadium) with a mere 12,979,163 views and 3,978 Comments. Another 15 or 20 years of this and I might even have started to catch up with the 21st C.

      Anyway, here's another one: Bruce Springsteen - Dancing In the Dark (from Born In The U.S.A. Live: London 2013): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x7lfzARGXGw
      Strewth, I remember buying Greetings from Asbury Park and The Wild, the Innocent and the E Street Shuffle back in the mid-1970s - I still have the vinyl LP.s [sigh]
      Oh but that's virtually orchestral rock-opera, isn't it.

      As to anything of any substance, well if SloMo is "formidable" then what is Moorice ? If just the entire history of Australia from 1788 on doesn't mean shvt to them, why would a tv doco ?

      Delete
    2. Love it.....Nothing wrong with orchestral rock GB.... The Boss, referred to as God by some, is a man with a big soul. And nothing wrong with vinyl. I’m still buying it. There is a guy who was doing Elwood Primary School monthly market(pre lockdown :)) that has an astonishing stall. A friend saw Springsteen in the day and the show went for a tad under 4 hours! No one has or ever will do that shit.
      As for the Clash, we need some serious punk attitude because these neo-cons are way beyond sane....it is just brute politics and fuck everyone, even those that stupidly votes for them.
      Best the voice of calm than anger cos I’m pissed off. CA.
      https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2020/sep/04/under-the-cloak-of-covid-the-government-is-rushing-ill-considered-changes-to-australias-environment-laws?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

      Delete
    3. "I am not a conspiracy theorist" followed immediately by a vast conspiracy theory. Aren't they supposed to put some general waffle in between to act as a distraction?

      As for the Oreo, I think obesity is to health care what arson is to bushfires. "It's not our system failing, it's all the fat people causing this!"

      I'm pretty sure a government that can weld your doors shut is better able to control social behaviour generally.

      The other thing is she seems to be conflating two different statistics, the case fatality rate and the total death rate. Comorbidity is an obvious factor in the former but not so much in the latter. If you have an enormous number of cases (step forward Donald J Trump) you will have more deaths even at a much lower fatality rate.

      https://ourworldindata.org/grapher/daily-covid-deaths-per-million-7-day-average?year=latest&country=USA~CHN

      Delete

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