In which, in a busy week for reptile mania, the pond moves from the bromancer to Polonial prattle ...

The pond's favourite juxtaposition during the reptile week - a difficult choice, because there were so many - saw Ben in a fainting fit about climate change, juxtaposed with Jack the Insider endorsing naked Morris dancing to settle him down, while our Adam tried to reassure the paper's main demographic, anyone over eighty, that they weren't about to star in a re-make of The Exorcist…

What a week. The reptiles have been a tither and a dither about climate science, every since that awful young creature, that hideous alien other, strutted her stuff on the world stage … 

Oh how hard it's been, what with the chantings and the recantings …

 

But perhaps that's more fitting for a Sunday meditation, because this day the reptiles sought refuge in a none too subtle form of dog whistling racism …

 

Never mind the front page. 

The pond got it in one from the lesser "Ned's" digital splash. 

Uni chooses Chinese-Australian leader, top universities aren't interested in promoting the study of things Australian! QED, Xi is at the door, we're being swamped by Asians, and despite our best endeavours it's been this way since Lambing Flat!!

But now reduced to weekly dips into reptile la la land, the pond wanted to start off with some low comedy, a lizard editorial so serious they thought it deserved a splash …

It was a part of a general theme that ran through the lizard rag during the week …

 

Dear sweet long absent lord, they had to drag out ageing old farts of the Singo and Hardly Normal kind, filthy rich old farts that that, as examples of ratbag larrikin stirrers, and with an "oi" at that? 

Sheesh, speaking of things dinkum and Australian, it's a long way from Henry Lawson and Keith Dunstan … but it was the reptile editorial that was the capper …

So there's the demographic, the over eighties, who remember the good old days, when the reptiles of yore railed against dangerous subversive humour, but now are apparently all for it …

Others noted how weird it was …

But the killer lines came in the last two pars ...

Paul Kelly? They're quoting that tedious old fart, an old fogey so ossified and calcified and desiccated that the pond feels a sublime weakness and thirst in his presence, while over at the ABC, Mad as Hell continued on its merry way, at least until its recent series climax? 

What's the bet no one in the reptile bunker has attended a gig by a comedian under 30 in the last year?

But let others enjoy the joke ...

Yes, we've been there in Newtown …

 

But enough of base low comedy, and abandoning the rules set down by Godwin's Law, the notion that the lizard Oz is some haven of larrikin laughs is so ludicrous that it had the pond rolling Jaffas down the aisle for the entire week …

And so to another matter which has exercised the reptile minds the entire week, and as usual, it was Major Mitchell, way back on Monday, who set the tone …

It's been a dire week for the Donald, and speaking of backfiring, the Kurds have learned what an unpleasant result a backfire can produce … but it was the bromancer who took up the Major's challenge, and explained why everything was for the best, and so and thus, in the Donald's world…

 

In fact, the two themes came together yesterday with the bromance, and a wailing 'our Henry' side by side …

And so to today's effort by the bromancer …

Yes, Syria was a bit too tricky for the bromancer …

… so it was time to talk up the Donald, bigly ...

The pond is always fascinated by the alternative reality inhabited by the likes of Fox and Friends, Hannity and - since clearly the bromancer has US friends and associates - other Donald lovers in the Chairman's universe … (you know, what with the Chairman breaking bread with Billy 'the unconstitutional kid' Barr this week) …

But the bromancer didn't just celebrate the Donald, it turns out that he's a reality TV wrestling devotee ...

Rowe - more here - has been having a good run with the Donald of late …

But here's where it gets really loopy for the bromancer, blathering on about Chosen Ones ruling for the Chosen people,  echoing the Donald at his most megalomaniac ...

Yes, there you have the reptile philosophy in one. When choosing between crooks, chose the better crook.

And that's why you'll find the bromancer not mentioning the Donald's age, or his corrupt progeny, or his tendency to slur words and show signs of dementia, along with the relentless narcissism and delusions of grandeur …

No, the bromancer has a job to do, talk up the Donald's chances, and by golly, he's going to do it ...

Hillary Clinton was once the most admired woman in America? But that's straight out of the Donald playbook. The more you lie, the more people believe the lie. Almost everyone at the time noted that Clinton ended her campaign with an unprecedented unfavourable rating of 52%, something of a record. 

But if you forget this, you can build the Donald up, because it comports with his own delusions of grandeur, and sends him back into the ring all fired up, flinging mud and trying out new holds …

You see how it's done? You have to completely forget about Rudy and all the rest of the dirt that has broken out in the last few days …

… because your mission is to build up the Donald, make him seem the safe bet, the best crook to win … and once you've done that to old Joe, move on to demolishing the rest of the field ...

Well the pond's really only in it for the cartoons …

And so that's how you save emperor Donald, bromancer style …just keep a bucket of mud handy, and never mind who or what cops an eyeful along the way. Sorry Kurds, the Donald is still the champ'een ...

Yep, it's all about being a mud wrestler …and abasing yourself before the mud wrestler's epic skills ...

The bromancer's in that cartoon somewhere, with his arse stuck up high in the air, though of course the pond reminds any stray reader that talk of arses stuck in the air is not an attempt at larrikinism …

And so to the pond's painful weekend duty. 

Sure the pond has run over time and over length, but is it the pond's fault? Who can shut the bromancer up when he gets on to talking up the Donald's chances? 

But duty is duty, and the reptiles have been big on Ming the Merciless this week - Troy has been a real winner - and it would be remiss of the pond not to maintain the aura of Ming, thanks be unto Polonius ...

There's something just so and right about that splash, it captures perfectly the prissy, condescending, lecturing, hectoring tone of Polonius …

And we surely have landed in a grand place, as noted by the infallible Pope during the week …

But enough of that, it's on with Polonius and his prattle ...

So sad that Polonius couldn't claim the first Ming spring sighting … others have been there before in reptile la la land, but still the sight of Polonius going dewy eyed yet again at all the mammaries - hush Barbra, it's Polonius's turn to sing - is a most affecting and moving one ...

Well before prattling Polonius moves on to where the pond knows he's going, the pond should note that the infallible Pope got there before him …

Gadzooks, zounds, infallible Pope, you do realise you've quite ruined the rest of the predictable Polonial blather, scribbled from a quietly defiant position of climate science denialism ...

Yep, if comrade Bill wasn't enough to explain why the pond has no time for the ALP, then Joel's the man to do it … 

In the old days, a Labor politician who'd found he'd reached his core demographic - prattling Polonius and the old farts of the lizard Oz - might wonder why he was in the game, but not these days ...

Well, if nothing else, the emitting Fitzgibbon, and his emissions-loving columnist have managed to remind the pond why it feels such contempt for the ALP, lost in a wilderness of their own making, while at the same time bringing the pond and the reptiles back to where the week began, a virtuous circle, a wondrous cycle, summarised by the infallible Pope, and celebrating the work and deeds of the Chairman …

And that brings the pond to a most peculiar humiliation. The pond must now seize the moment to pay off a bet and acknowledge that Newtown is better than any other team in Sydney and better than any other cane toad wannabe loser larrikin Currish Snail dropkicks, and by golly, Newtown is better than Tamworth, and champ'een of the world.

And if you don't know what the pond is talking about, haven't the foggiest clue, lucky for you… but here's a tip, never make a comment in front of a thugby enthusiast, or you might have to eat your words in public ...