In which a host of pond stars - prattling Polonius, the onion muncher and the dog botherer - dazzle the stars with their luminosity ...

The pond just wants to explain one more time why Dame Slap - blathering on about the form of feminism she wants other fools to follow - that somehow she's found in the new season of GOT - is not a place where the pond is prepared to go.

Might as well blather on about the precepts and philosophies to be learned from Liam Neeson's Cold Pursuit, a film which whimsically heralds its death count with a frame featuring a cross and a nickname (yes, after recent art house experiences, the pond had to suffer an aged Liam).

That's just a genre film; GOT is a fantasy, and so is Lord of the Rings and the Harry Potter mumbo jumbo, and about all that we might learn from Dame Slap's devotion to GOT is that perhaps it reveals why she was a sucker for Lord Monckton's theory of the United Nations using climate science to establish a world government. She loves a fantasy.

In her own way, she's clever enough to write a column in the required lizard Oz style, but at the same time, she routinely manages to be deeply, profoundly stupid, and as it involves GOT - the types that haunt the water cooler at offices, scaring sensible people away from quenching their thirst - it's a very specific kind of madness.

No, the pond refuses to descend into that whirlpool of utter loonacy; instead it prefers to hover at the edge, while prattling Polonius howls at the moon like a grey-bearded loon and produces one of his more exceptional rants …

You see? From the get go, Polonius doesn't disappoint.

Fear of the mob is one of the features of aristocrats around the world. How Polonius must have been thrilled when at night by flashlight, he devoured in bed Baroness Emma Orczy's The Scarlet Pimpernel, and aristocrats being saved from the mob and the guillotine … pr perhaps he preferred Rafael Sabatini's Scaramouche and the immortal line "He was born with a gift of laughter and a sense that the world was mad."

Sadly, after a reading of Polonius, readers realise he was born without the gift of laughter, and tend to come away thinking that if the world was mad, Polonius helped make it so ...

Yes, it's going to be a litany of complaints, of whining and moaning, and the pond was immediately torn.

This very morning the reptiles had handed over the front page to the Oscillating Fan and his  predictions about the onion muncher, and the OF had been blessed by the sacred cartoon cult of Lobbecke ...

What to do, oh what to do? Lobbecke has spoken, or more strictly speaking, drawn, and the pond is drawn towards the cult light.

And then the pond thought why not have them both, why not have Polonius ranting, and the OF predicting? Why not do a cut and paste and fling them together in a way that shed neither much heat nor any light?

And so it was the turn of the OF to speak of reactionaries, as if Polonius hadn't been enough ...

She's independent?

All the pond learned from that overture is that the OF doesn't bother to read his fellow reptiles, who have for months been explaining how Steggall is just a puppet for a deep state conspiracy, and such yarns were still to be found at the top of the digital page this day …

Opponents say? Don't worry, that's just the reptiles hearing voices in their heads ...

But the pond thought its strategy was working.

It could turn, with equanimity, back to Polonius, still howling at the moon as he compiled his litany of complaints, and like all the reptiles, faithfully tipping his lid and tugging his forelock to Robert Thomson. Well you don't get to be a classy courtier and stay in a juicy position in the royal court, unless you pay homage to the king ...

The pond loves the double think emanating from the mob that mounts the outrage and hysteria fomented by Fox News …

It takes considerable skill to pass on dire warnings of a mob mentality, while Fox's kissing cousins are daily giving free reign to a mob mentality in support of a demagogue…

The pond was also pleased that Polonius, always a late arriver, had returned to the Folau scene. It gave the pond a chance to remind Polonius that he too, as a follower of that Holy Roman Whore of Babylon church, was destined to an eternity of hellfire, unless he arranged for a change of churches and went all fundamentalist evangelical.

Take him away, outraged mob, and send him to the hellfire he has so richly earned …

And with that damnation, it was time to return to the OF, and worry about the fate of the mad monk, who was also, if Folau's interpretation of the bible is to be believed, destined to an eternity of hellfire - though when you think of all the lies and corrupt behaviour of the onion muncher, perhaps there's only a need to revert to the ten commandments, and note that confession and redemption is a peculiarly Catholic conception, and perhaps not reliable, not even with penance, or a chance to land in purgatory thanks to a goodly spend on indulgences ...

Dear sweet long absent lord, that tirade verges on heresy.

The onion muncher as luddite reactionary, and maybe somebody should do something about climate science? The pond knew it would have to call on the dog botherer to rebut such gibberish, but in the meantime, it returned to Polonius, still prattling away and compiling his list of complaints ...

Ah, the pond was wondering when the Catholic church would intrude into the discussion, with Polonius seemingly unaware that his support for that wretched Roman whore of Babylon will ensure his time in the afterlife in an eternity of hellfire. Don't ask the pond, just check on the sources of Folau's simpleton theology …

...Folau criticised pastors who accept money for spreading God’s word and also took aim at people who go to church but don’t read the Bible thoroughly to see what God says about certain matters. 

“The problem with a lot of people today is they don’t read the word, they go to church on Sunday, listen to what the pastor says, and that’s it,” Folau said. “They don’t go back home to check for what the word of God says.” 

Folau said it was wrong to hold up Jesus’ mother Mary as an idol worthy of worship, as the Catholic Church does, and called on people to evaluate whether they’re making the mistake of idolising unnecessary things like money or material possessions, which they worship more than God. 

“What does the Catholic Church do? They create an image of Mary and Jesus and totally go against what God’s word is,” Folau said. “This is what I’m talking about, the difference between man’s doctrine and tradition verses God’s word. (more at news.com.au here)

Yes, Mary devotees, skewed Jesus cultists and theological illiterates like Polonius and the onion muncher are destined to an eternity of hellfire for getting it wrong, but meanwhile, the oscillating fan was wrapping up his coverage of the secular, striving ambition of the onion muncher … as he desperately tries to avoid having to get another job, and attempt to do a decent day's work - no easy assignment, given his training and inclination in being a reflexive, reactionary, negative dullard, whose main skill has always been in wrecking, undermining and sniping ...

Indeed, indeed, and the answer to that question is one of the few things that keeps the pond interested in the forthcoming federal election. But now the last word must go to the aristocratic Polonius, still finding a way, Mary-idolator that he is, to work the Catholic church and the Pellists into the discussion ...

Intolerance? As usual Polonius ends with a zinger, because it's hard to imagine anyone more intolerant of people and lifestyles different from his own than the prattler. He's at his worst in his media column on a Friday, sniping away in a cruel and intolerant manner at anything that moves, frequently making errors and acting the fool, but this weekend effort is just as intolerant in its own way.

Anyone Polonius doesn't like gets lumped into a mob, and once anonymised, labelled a bunch of sans culottes … here, have a Polonial cartoon ...

And so to the dog botherer.

The pond wondered whether it should have gone on and on with the DB - we've heard it all before a zillion times - and it's no more edifying now than back when it began.

Think of it as a kind of Dame Slap GOT - if you make it to the end of the episode, you've proven yourself as a battle-hardened feminist (or if a male, you've been ensnared by the skilful Amazonian powers of the Dame Slaps of the world - sorry about that).

Now the pond knows it's a challenge and a stretch ...

… and so the pond wondered if the odd cartoon inserted between gobbets might help the dog botherer go down a little easier …

Yes, that about sums up the experience, and so to doing a little lapping, and naturally at the top of the page is that notorious reactionary, out of touch with his electorate and completely useless when it comes to doing anything practical for Warringah these past 25 years … and with that smirk that will endure for all the ages, or at least until the flushing of the toilet ...

As expected, there's absolutely nothing to see here, and so another cartoon is urgently needed …

Now the pond said it wouldn't have much to say about the dog botherer, but the pond would like to preface this gobbet - spoiler alert - by pointing out an arrogant, condescending prick the dog botherer is, in his usual way veering off from climate science to talk of Coffin Bay oysters, burning red gum, Range Rovers, and the rest of the shit Pious Reactionary Pricks - no, the pond isn't talking about Prius's - of the dog botherer kind trot out whenever they want to have a discussion of actual climate science

Of course all this blather puts the dog botherer in the company of the anti-vaxxer, Kenyan birth certificate believing Donald, which is no surprise, but does excuse another cartoon turning up …

In the dog botherer's case, he'll scribble some crazy shit, and anybody sensible will usually just ignore him. But not the pond, it's the one assigned to stare up at the bats in the belfry ...

There's a fundamental absurdity at work whenever the pond reads the dog botherer, who has had to abandon his straightforward climate denialism for a slightly more varied brand. 

So the onion muncher signed up for Paris, which was good, but the US bailed from Paris, and did better at emissions, which was good, so we shouldn't have signed up for Paris in onion muncher style, which was bad, but would have done better reducing emissions on our own, except of course we haven't, which in its own way is good, because what's the point of doing anything about reducing emissions, because climate science is a hoax and a fraud … just ask aspiring Liberal senators in Queensland …

Reading this sort of verbal gymnastics reminds the pond of the many ways the bar can be lowered …

Well the good news for weary travellers is that there are only two gobbets to go; the bad news is that the penultimate one is full of the usual dog botherer blather ...

A complex and nuanced phenomenon? 

So that's what all the blather about oysters and cars was doing … complex and nuanced and subtle … like a poke in the eye with a climate denialist stick …

Well there are others who share the dog botherer's subtle, nuanced arguments for doing nothing, because what's wrong with self-immolation …

And so at last to the final gobbet ...

None of the above is an argument for doing nothing? And yet there are good arguments for doing nothing, because who cares if the planet burns ...

You condescending prick, you didn't spend a nanosecond on a plan for doing something, or anything … you just did your usual rant, for which you must have a shortcut on the keyboard, designed to jumble the denialist blather into new patterns, but never into new insights, or the slightest hint of self-awareness …

Be honest in your horseshit denialism, be straightforward, proud and true. Those little retreats, "Australia needs to play a role", just shows off your transparent hypocrisy and remarkable stupidity.

Well, the pond apologises, it probably shouldn't have gone there, especially on a meditative Sunday beset spent assigning assorted people who don't share the pond's beliefs to an eternity of imaginary hellfire.

The only consolation is that the dog botherer is likely to join Polonius, the onion muncher and others in this eternity of hellfire, should Folau's imaginary friend have had the Christian love and forgiveness to design such a a hellfire. 

For the pond, hell is here on earth, joining with Sartre in noting that hell is other people scribbling furiously for Murdochian rags, while the inner sanctum standing to the right of Satan is reserved for those who read their works … 

And now, in compensation, a few final cartoons ...