Sunday, September 17, 2017

In which the pond takes on petulant Peta and the bullying Devine with eyes wide shut, and maga-vision spex offering no relief ...


The pond had a shock to the system last night. 

By a curious combination of events and circumstances, it happened to see a bunch of bum sniffers form what the pond understands is quaintly called a scrum ...

This scrum or ruck of bum sniffers kept collapsing, the umpire would offer a penalty, and instead of taking the penalty, the bum sniffers would form another scrum, apparently the better to facilitate more bum sniffing ...

This went on and on for an eternity, collapse and bum sniff, until even the liberal sensibilities of the pond felt inclined to deem it unseemly.

Not that the pond has anything against bum sniffing. The pond understands that the onion muncher and jolly Joe Hockey in their prime were very keen bum sniffers, which no doubt helps explain why the onion muncher fears his deeper desires and SSM ...

The pond could never understand why people mocked bum sniffing, in much the same way as they mock cock suckers and cunts, it being the pond's observation that many men enjoy the company of cock suckers and cunts, when not suckling on breasts ...

Never mind, the point of this shaggy dog story is that the pond drew a line and insisted on watching Eyes Wide Shut instead. This is a movie the pond has long avoided - fearing what it would reveal about the man who made Dr. Strangelove - but had caught a glimpse on SBS the previous night ...(apparently they still have it for streaming, but the SBS browser unfriendly app for viewing is possibly one of the most useless ones available on the full to overflowing intertubes).

The pond hadn't realised the damn thing ran for an eternity and for much of its time, the film was a very poor person's Story of O.  The very idea of Tom Cruise and Scientology is preposterous, the notion that even Kubrick could draw performances from the even more preposterous coupling of Cruise and Kidman is bizarre, and about the only thing that could be more bizarre and preposterous is the sight of Rusty and Tom in The Mummy ...

Even worse, the entire movie built, in shaggy dog fashion, to a punchline with Kidman saying that they urgently needed to fuck, but at that point, the pond had an epiphany ...

Suddenly the Freudian nature of its addiction to the reptiles became as clear as D. H. Lawrence's fascination with snakes ...

It became clear why after reading a reptile column, the pond would routinely turn to the partner, and say urgently, "we need to fuck."

In that meditative Sunday spirit, the pond turned to petulant Peta ...



Now straightaway the pond could see the potential that petulant Peta offered ... you see, Australia needs dinkum very clean and environmentally sensitive Aussie coal, but if we use coal, what's the point of electric cars running on energy derived from dirty, polluting, filthy, vile coal?

The pond waited to see how the honey trap would be sprung ... no doubt with a bonus swipe at filthy capitalism and entrepreneurial people and pesky furriners who try to make a buck ...


Now never no mind that petulant Peta is in fact scribbling this very column for a foreign owned company and so helping send money overseas. The Insiders went down that path with the decidedly dumb Mitch Fifield this morning, who didn't have the first clue how to explain shovelling money down Foxtel's throat to sell minority sports to its decidedly minority cable-cutting audience, while excluding the Graudian because it was foreign owned. 

Usually the pond would have called him fuckwitted, but that would imply there's something wrong with fucking ... though his explanation of why the NBN was fucked did remind the pond of sweaty copulation in the heat of summer ...

But again the pond, so easily distracted, is moving away from the main game, when the honey trap is about to be sprung ...


And there you have it. Electric cars are useless because they rely on dirty, filthy vile coal, which is why we should invest even more government money - perhaps even socialise a power station or three - in wonderful clean, environmentally sensitive dinkum Aussie clean coal ...

Instead of wanting to commit economic suicide or revert to socialist five year plans from the 1930s, the pond felt the urgent need to turn to the partner and say - urgently - "we need to fuck".

Sad to say, the partner wasn't entirely sympathetic to the pond, which is why the pond, in order to induce a rutting frenzy - felt the need to double down and indulge in a dose of essence of Miranda the Devine bile ...



Now there's nothing new in any of what follows. Indeed there's rarely anything new in any of the reptile columns. Once they get hold of a bone, they chew away with an almost Freudian compulsion.

Naturally, the vicious, bilious, screeching Devine showed her true colours by tossing the 'fascist' label around yet again ...


The pond wondered whether "fascist" had been reduced to "fascistic bullies" for fear of vilification proceedings, but an even more intriguing idea was the thought of a hate contest between the Devine and the orange one ... shown on The Insiders in full glare ...


What a good hater she is, but then so is the Devine ...


Oh cry a river, and yet there was poor Cory skulking at the thought of being caught near an actual gay friendly show ...



What a pathetic looking photo bomber. If you're going to do it, do in in style ... go the full hate-fest Devine ...


Frankly the pond is amazed at the tolerance way that someone would offer an Xian the pleasure of a wank, perhaps while looking at a photo of Jeffrey Hunter, but around this point, it's time to offer the ritual congratulations to everyone, for having splashed on yet another fragrant dose of essence of Devine ... determined to offer as much hate to the world as she possibly can ...


Because in the Devine's world, that's WJWD ... hate ...

Forget all this namby-pamby talk of love, haters gotta hate ...

Around this point the pond suggested the need for a fuck, but was told that the final Devine gobbet had to be consumed, and not a single scrap was to be left over ...


By now with this talk of tyranny and the Devine at full resentful embittered paranoid hate-speech throttle, the pond was begging and pleading for a fuck, but instead the partner suggested that the pond take up TT's offer of magic spectacles, an offer which can be found here ...


Bummer ... eyes wide shut,  dinkum clean Aussie coal, petulant Peta and the execrable Devine still didn't look any better ...


1 comment:

  1. Well there's just no hope of recovery for the terminally retarded. Our Pet. Peta wrote in today's Melbourne Herald Sun, under the title of 'We Can't Renew the Truth' (and we can't renew energy too, perhaps ?) that "... in the last few days I've been in Brisbane, Darwin, Longreach, Canberra, Sydney, Melbourne, Geelong, Adelaide and Portarlington."

    After which, she really knows all about what 'ordinary Australians' are thinking. Yep, a whirlwind tour - max about 1/3rd of a day in each of 9 separate locations with a total population of somewhat over 14 million. Assuming she spent 5 hours chatting in each location and spent 2 minutes average with each person chatted with, then she spoke to 1350 people or about 0.0094% of that total population.

    But that's all it takes for the wondrous Pet Pet to know exactly what all Australians are thinking.

    Lots of people have said it, and I'll just agree with them: with the likes of her in government, no wonder it's been as bad as it has.

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