Saturday, April 02, 2016

Day 12, and a splendid victory suggests a majestic budget triumph and DD are just around the corner ...

It took time for the reptiles to upgrade their take on recent proceedings in the circus to "state brutes doing down a noble plan", while over at Fairfax headlines had been upgraded from mere humiliation to 'Utter humiliation': Turnbull given a lesson (with forced video), and there was talk of Kevin Turnbull with Hartcher doing a listicle (sob, no magic water man to do them these days...

Yes, the reptiles faced a busy day, with much to do ...

Ah, look, the redemption of Mark Latham continues ... he's a Terrorist triumph don't ya know, and there must be synergies ...

And in the same Lathamite spirit, the reptiles offered a clown from The Times, sagely explaining that it was all the fault of a woman, or perhaps a model woman, or a woman model, or worst of all, a lady model, or a model lady, because ... well because Rhys Blakely is the sort of gentleman who wants to demonstrated why The Times is best left out of the conversation ...

Who knew it was all the fault of a lady?

And lo, this day, the senior broadsheet reptiles welcomed a wayward Terrorist into their fold ...

Well there must be synergies in this agile pivoting age ...

And as it gets harder to pick between the farmers and the pigs, Kevin Donnelly was also on hand to brighten the pond's day.

It seems that Kevin has come up with the revolutionary idea that those who control a school system should pay for it.

As a result, it seems Kevin has used the reptile platform to urgently demand that all religious schools, busy indoctrinating students into delusional belief, should pay for it out of church funds or parental subsidy and leave taxpayers alone ...

Oh dear, sorry about that, it didn't say those in control of private schools should be financially responsible for them, it didn't say that at all ...

The pond seems to have garbled the Donnelly message, a routine occurrence when trying to run Kevin through the brain but with no Laxian key to hand ... (now there's an obscure sci fi joke strictly for Robert Sheckley lovers).

But at least Kev brings us back to the subject at hand and the tortured confusion that sprays across the reptile pages this day ...

There's the petulant oscillating fan stomping his foot ...

Coulda, woulda, shoulda ...

And there's the bouffant one not doing the shoulda, but instead tearing at his luxuriant locks ...

Is there any hero who can step forward and explain how this wasn't a snatching of defeat from the jaws of victory, but rather a heroic winning of a victory when confronted by the jaws of defeat?

Sharp eyed punters will have recognised one already - the prolix pontificator, on standby for yet another epic pontification, so without further ado, let us see how Malware can be redeemed by someone who makes Polonius sound like a rank amateur ...

There you go, a most precious defeat, with "extra electoral dividend" ... and that's how a prolix pontificator  can help a prat feel he's just done an epic win-win ...(why next we'll get on to matricide by the fifth act if we're lucky).

Of course it turns out that it's all the fault of Julia Gillard ...bloody women. First Trump now all this policy confusion. Lordy, lordy, does she cast a long, long shadow ...

Yes, yes, there were a few minor problems in the thought bubble, but please, at this point, you must remember it's all the fault of Julia Gillard ...

Now the pond knows where the pompous blowhard is coming from.

The pond knows for a fact that Julia Gillard forced the hapless Liberal party to go to the electorate and promise all sorts of foolish things.

In fact, the pond is working on uncovering the evidence that will show Gillard actually manufactured these signs and circulated them to the Liberal faithful ...

What's more the pond understands that Gillard treated certain Liberals like sock puppets of the Triumph the insult comic dog kind ... and forced them to mouth empty platitudes by moving their lips while speaking into the sock ...

Poor hapless poodle, poor tortured wall puncher.

How Gillard made them say these things remains a mystery, though the pond suspects it was the after effects of the deadly poison of the Bandar people that led them to turn up at the ABC's fact check unit here ...

Never mind, the pond is in the grip of an interminable bore, and as at certain dinner parties, there is no escaping the onerous duty of listening to the senile old uncle rabbit on ... and on ...

By golly, hire that man to build a rocket ... you don't say they'd have the discretion to increase their tax rates, and that at the same time there'd be no increase in tax rates?

Please, do go on, but can we rap it all up sometime before the twelfth of never ...

And there, that's how you achieve a Black Knight victory in federal politics.

Publicly chop off all the limbs of prepared, reasoned, argument, delivered with preparation and paperwork, and watch a ponderous bloated bore sagely advise how it was actually a triumphant learning lesson ...

Meanwhile, on another planet ... the reptiles took consolation from the mess because it re-asserted them at the centre of the political universe ...

Yes, its another victory for an eminently sensible strategy.

Announce your policy notions through the reptiles and all will be well throughout the land, and everyone will be in furious agreement that you have snatched a magnificent victory from the jaws of defeat.

How did that get in here? It should have read ...

You see, it wasn't just the prolix pontificator who was sensing a glorious victory.

The reptilian Oz editorialist also faithfully regurgitated this line ...

The pond has noted for a long time that the reptile editorialist reads the lizard commentariat, who are work with the reptile editorialist to produce a world view that is diamantine flawless ...

You see? Malware's taught the states a savage lesson, the states have done him a political favour, everything is for the best in Chance's garden ...

Now there's any number of comic lines to behold in all that blather about healthier lifestyles and providing funding so old folk can stay out of hospital, and adopting a carrot and stick approach, because the reptiles just love an interfering government explaining what's best for you.

Here's what you'll read every other day of the week in the lizard Oz ...

Enough already. You can google the rest of the Caterist blather, mocking the imagined crisis the reptile editorialist has just imagined, and mocking any attempt by government to do something about it. The pond was particularly moved by the news just landing that One in five adults may be obese by 2025: survey warns.

And that, fellow dinkums, or in Times' speak, fellow ladies and gentlemen, is how you end up with a Trump. Not because of a lady but because of the immense stupidity of reptiles everywhere ...

But like sugar treats, all good things must come to an end, even astonishment at the way reptiles fill in their days with mind-numbing, tedious and confused discourse.

The pond appreciates the solitary company of the single reader that made it to this point. When we head off to discover the mystical walri of the Antarctic south, dear brave reader, we would love to have you as company ... in the meantime, all the pond can offer in recompense is a Pope cartoon, and more splendidly papal insights here.


  1. Robert Sheckley! It's not often that I get to start the day with a reference to one of the great satirical SF writers of the 20th Century - thanks, DP. Were he still around, I wonder what he would make of the current world and potentially-President Trump?

    1. Yes, DP, it warms the cockles of the heart to see you elevate the grand master of the shaggy dog story into our common discourse.

  2. "The pond appreciates the solitary company of the single reader that made it to this point."

    Yay, DP ! I'm still with you (I may be obsessive-compulsive, but I'm also loyal to my compulsions).

    Anyway, I was wondering whatever happened to that wonderful 'gold standard' Paid Parental Leave scheme that Juliar also whispered down the sock for Abbott to spruik. It obviously took several extra parsecs (tm Star Wars) to get here so I guess that's why it was so late.

    But I really have to rearrange my thinking about Lefties: they are obviously wonderfully skilled at 20-dimensional chess. There's Obama who has magically destroyed the Wingnut agenda, destabilized the GOP and shredded Ronnie Raygun's wonderful legacy, and all by simply creating Donald Trump.

    And then there's Juliar, setting a fatal trap in place for the Libs by promising lots of expenditure that they sincerely promised to match. Stunning ... why isn't she still PM ?

    1. Now you begin to understand GB, the way that devious witch prepared an elaborate trap to ensnare not just the wall puncher but Malware too and possibly at least another 3 generations of Liberal leaders ... just as Obama not only created Donald Trump but the tea party, Marco Rubio, Ted Cruz, fornicating Republican governors and the whole damn GOP tribe ... as for the PPL, it was of course a post-hypnotic suggestion, of the kind that has marked the return of Daryl Somers to the Nine network ...

  3. Verbatim.

    "Tesla's iPhone moment: $10b orders

    More than 180,000 electric cars sold in within the first 24 hours, with customers lining up.

    We have reached peak stupid

    Comment: Passenger's photo with plain hijacker shows the selfie has become our default response."

    Maybe Fairfax is regretting outsourcing their subbis to the kiwis.

  4. Bandar people!
    Never mind, imagine the tumult if Gillard or Rudd had been dissed by COAG. Ol' Kelly would've bust a gut.
    Anyway, back to the Skull Cave.

  5. I'll see your Sheckley and raise you with a Heinlen.

    “I've found out why people laugh. They laugh because it hurts so much . . . because it's the only thing that'll make it stop hurting.”

    1. It's all graveyard humour, then ? Dunno, mate. The only thing Heinlein ever said that made sense to me was his definition of love: "Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own."

      And the only readable thing he ever wrote was 'All You Zombies'.

      The rest was just juvenile libertarian mumbo-jumbo.

    2. The pond must vote for GB here! Sheckley rulez!

  6. Abbott turning right-wing politics into comedy? Blame the lefties.
    The party's decision to have a not-a-complete-moron mouthing the same (or sillier) policies? Blame the lefties.
    The rise of nutjobs like Trump (or teh Cories, if it comes to that)? The fault of the lefties.

    "You're very clever young man, but it's no use. It's lefties all the way down..."

  7. Whew - thanks for your report on Kelly's ramblings, DP. Following a family wedding last weekend - and the accompanying alcohol consumption and political discussion - I was concerned that I was fast becoming the doddering, dribbling uncle of the clan (not least because I'm the oldest of my generation). After reading Kelly, though, I'm pleased to say that I've a long way to go before I achieve that level of senile discourse. "The election is shaping as a core conflict over values..." FFS!

    Give it up, Paul. You have no remaining shreds of dignity or credibility, but perhaps if you just shrink off into the shadows, nobody will really notice or care.

  8. Sussan Ley just opened her wallet in Parliament, and released a plague of moths.

  9. Talking about thunder carts and thunder boxes as was our wont, I cannot help draw your esteemed attention DP to this amazing Australian invention. It's agile! It's innovative! And it's comfortable!

    1. Attention drawn, and so cheap too. Must send one to the rellies in Tamworth.

  10. I now know why Andrew Bolt is such a confused wrong-headed little bunny. He has been reading Dutch Civil Law which appears to have been written by the Philosopher Baruch Spinoza. Here's a taste, this bit dealing with property law.

    "‘Things’ distinguish themselves from metaphysical, intangible objects, which can’t be seen or touched. An example of an intangible object is a story or an idea, that in itself is incorporeal, so that it can’t be touched, although it may express itself in a visible and touchable thing, like a book or a machine. The obligatory claim of a creditor against his debtor, derived from an obligation, is intangible as well."

    Only to matched by the musings of Oolon Collufid.

    1. Oh joy, a blast from a much loved past (that's Oolid, not Baruch, of course).


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