Thursday, December 10, 2015

In which the pond honours its politician of the year ...

What a happy, beautiful synchronicity of minds this morning brings:

More Pope here and more Rowe here, and so to the business of the day.

It has taken a tremendous act of will for the pond to ignore frivolous distractions announced yesterday. Like this poignant juxtaposition:

And this poll (warning, spoiler alert):

7%! Now there's a miracle, that they could dig up a hearty 7%!

And then there was the contrasting way that the reptiles and the Fairfaxians greeted Turnbull's response to Abbott:

But enough of all the frivolous distractions, because the pond stumbled on the news, in the manner of a George Christensen on the way to work stumbling over a halal certification unit (h/t, VC) that the desperately irrelevant Time magazine had decided to name its person of the year, and the wretched magazine, in its usual attempt at controversy, had led with suspect names before plumping for a safe bet.

The pond recognised a cheap and pathetic desire to garner attention, honoured and envied it, and so immediately rushed forward its own plan to nominate Anthony John Abbott as its official Politician of the Year.

Now before anyone rushes in to cry foul, the pond has plenty of precedents:

What's not to like about Abbott as the pond's choice?

Has there ever been anyone so gracious in defeat? So lacking in bitterness? A man who has resolutely refused to snipe and wreck and undermine and distract and a man who has heroically refused to call attention to himself, but instead has discreetly 'done a Gillard.'

Yet at the same time, he has managed to explain to Islamics that they are inferior types, wretched creatures requiring that the white man once again must take up the burden to sort things out, and naturally the Islamics, being inferior types in need of leadership, have responded gratefully to his many insights. At the same time, Abbott has given comfort to white supremacists everywhere and brought Trumpism down under ...

To accomplish all this is a wonderful achievement.

Now the pond is aware that there are a few malcontents out there that might quibble with the decision:

There were others who suggested that Abbott might be assisting Islamic fundamentalists, and there were even stupid people who belong to the same stupid religion who ineffably never bother to explain why they bother to identify with a particularly stupid brand of Christianity:

Um Kristina, you do know you belong to a church that hasn't reformed, don't you?

But enough of the frivolity and distractions, because now the pond must turn to the sensible people who can justify the pond's decision, including the pond's winner of the Commentariat Opinionista award for the year .... yes, we had them planned for Chris Mitchell's farewell tomorrow but had to bring this one forward in honour of the AACTA Awards, two hours of the pond's life having been saved by switching off ...

Look at the line up ...

The Lomborgians? How did they get in there ... when the clear winner is the bromancer.

Now this is where the weaklings and the starvelings will drop like flies, while the tough will get going, and relish the heat in the kitchen and the warmth of the cliches ...

First let us turn to our Opinionsta for the year, still deep in his weird bromance:

The pond has only one quibble. Surely the headline should have read "It's a patriot's duty to talk about the inferiority of Islamics and their filthy, vile culture, while at the same time explaining the virtues of the Holy See."

Never mind, the pond is delighted to see that the holy scribe, like his bromancing master, has at last embraced Luther and Calvin and science, and who knows, by 2050, might well have come even to accept climate science ...

Indeed, indeed, and a more sophisticated debate would include more contributions from Donald Trump, because as we all know, Islamics are totally useless and hopeless, unlike the wondrous bromancer ...

And so to the reptile editorial ... yes, it's a long, long haul this day, but that's what it's like when you get to the AACTAs and the winners start making speeches and you just can't shut the fuckers up ...

But we should at least mention, if not honour, this nominee ...

Oh indeed, how appalling of wretched, inferior Islamics - why can't they recognise the superiority of Australian culture? - to carry on about this and that, and to make ad hominem attacks. Why don't they just launch a general attack?

Of course Trump has been irresponsible, unrealistic and offensive when talking of banning the Islamics and the intertubes; how much more responsible it is to explain, in the simple terms needed for simple-minded Islamics, that they're as dumb as a stick, and need - for their own glory and redemption - to embrace cannibalism and a good transubstantive feast of blood and flesh ...

And then the reptiles fall to pieces and try to introduce a note of caution:

What's this? Praising an inferior Muslim, while cautioning the culturally superior Mr Abbott with an amber light? No wonder they were only the nominees ... while the bromancer, red-blooded meat man that he is, called on many more divisive offerings from the light of his life, like any decently uxorious scribbler would ...

This will not stand Oz reptile editorialist, you must not dishonour the pond's Politician of the Year, get thee gone with your feather duster in hand ...

And so to the great man himself, still yammering away, still seeking attention, alienating the Indonesians and performing other great deeds and triumphs ...

The pond disclaims any liability for anyone nodding off while driving heavy machinery. Warning, this could make anyone feel drowsy ... but as in any awards ceremony, it is necessary to listen to the winner blather on at great length, though perhaps we might stop short of thanking wives and Peta:

It is of course important to headline any speech with talk of witches - vile harridans, is there a Salem in the house? - and throw in a mention of complexity and subtlety and nuance, before reducing everything to three word slogans a simpleton could understand. Especially a culturally inferior Islamic, or perhaps a passing white supremacist.

It will take a while to get to the slogan, but rest assured there is an end to the journey:

Yes, there you go. "Death cult, as it's now increasingly called", and nota bene, how Abbott thrives on conflict. Conflict is what he exists for, the bloodier the better, and the conflict will continue for as long as he's in the public eye. Boots on the ground, it might be four words, but it'll do, boots on the ground ...

But it can, thank heavens, involve the persistence of a blood-soaked Tony Abbott killing in the name of western cultural superiority ... and remember how much we've already gained from that war begun in 2003 ...

After that, the pond is confident that not a single person will attempt to discredit its honouring of this singular politician, and his singular lick spittle, fellow travelling, bromancing the stone, chief supporter ...

Anthony is our very own, our very unique and singularly distinguished dual citizen Australian politician of the year ... with thanks to Fairfax for the illustration as we end our consideration of the new furore-maker and his latest bit of commotion, uproar, hubbub and hurly burly ...


  1. 7%! Now there's a miracle, that they could dig up a hearty 7%! It is well understood by psephologists that the Division of McKellar comprises a significant constituency, say 7%, of zombies, undoubtedly attracted by the incumbent.

  2. So is child sexual abuse evidence of a problem with Christianity? By the Bromancer's rule, that view is not untoward.

    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    2. Can we say 'teh Muslims'?

    3. I can see it as clear as day. Once the royal commission hands down its report on child abuse, Sheridan and Henderson will be calling for input from political leaders on confronting the issues in the Roman Catholic Church... A reformation is surely needed in that institution as well?

      Leaders like Di Natale, Bandt and Hansen-Young. Their double standards are breath taking.

  3. I saw that poll in the Fairfax press, and had a great internal debate - should I say Bronnie must go, or do I say stay Bronnie for the entertainment value? In the end, I said go, but mostly because she must have already used up a lifetime's entitlements.

  4. Sorry to lower the 'Tone' of the post, but these guys were prescient...
    Killing in the name of...

    I've got to admit to my admiration for the line that's repeated at the end of the song but then, I'm a child of the 60's, what can I say?

  5. btw, love ya work Dot.

  6. Jeez, they're all over the place like a mad woman's shit (as my late non-sexist mother had a habit of saying about fuckwits of all political persuasions).

  7. It's inevitable Abbott will end up a regular columnist. He has no other option really, it's all he's good for - being a loon. He can hang out with the Bromancer like some kind of Nick Cater for has-beens.


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