Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Give those men a KPI ... or in lieu, a green carnation ...

Damn you, northern neighbours, not the moo cows.

Haven't you heard Asians are totally inept when it comes to moo cows? 

Naturally the chattering classes were wildly indignant:

Funny old cow. What a sensa huma ... and what a stunning first page EXCLUSIVE for the reptiles this very day.

Anything else going on with China? Anything happening?

Nope, nothing, nada

But stay, how's plan B for coal working out?

Plan B? No need for a plan B, it's coal, coal, coal for Australia. The coal reich will last a thousand years ... just like the last one:

Hang on, hang on, not more Godwin's Law breaches. Isn't there a better way to plan for a holiday than put cash in the swear jar?

Okay, how about this?

Oh dear, who'd have guessed it, who'd have planned for it, though the last time the pond was in Shanghai and returned, nostrils, throat and lungs feeling like a cement tip, it did seem like the command economy might have to command some changes to the level of pollution in the air. Especially as the middle class began to travel and smell the (relatively) sweet air available elsewhere, Morwell not being especially high on the travel itinerary ...

Well you won't find much in the reptiles' rags about the story - instead you have to head off to the Fairfaxians and Risky business: China dumps our dirty coal.

Oh you can find a short note in the lizard Oz, but it's merely recycling AAP and it's mercifully brief and thankfully not in any way alarmist, as you can see in China bans 'dirty' coal sales, imports.

That story was to hand last night for the reptiles, but instead they ran with the moo cow angle.

Well there's no reason to get excited:

Australia - whose economic growth has been fuelled in part by Chinese demand for energy and raw materials - may feel the brunt of the impact of Beijing's latest move.

Yes that feels right: In part ... may ...

Let's not get too excited here. You see the reptiles are at one with the Minerals Council of Australia:

Reports on draft new guidelines for China’s coal use and their impact on Australia’s coal industry are misleading and unnecessarily alarmist. (here)

Yes, because it's coal, coal, coal for Australia and the coal reich will last a thousand years ... or more ... so thank the long absent lord the reptiles carried on, blithe, serene, and resolutely calm and unalarmist ...

Unlike those wretched Fairfaxians at the AFR in China's green ban will hit hard on coal exports.

Say what? The wretched commies are going greenie?

Australian coal producers will be hit by a Chinese ban on low-quality coal, which is likely to force costs higher and could drive demand to Indonesia. 

Wood Mackenzie’s China consulting manager Rohan Kendall said none of the Australian thermal coal currently being exported to China would meet the new restrictions in China’s major cities. 
The National Development Reform Commission has banned the burning of coal with ash content of more than 40 per cent or sulphur content of more than 3 per cent. In big cities such as Shanghai, Guangzhou, Beijing and Tianjin, which are all struggling with chronic pollution, the restrictions are tougher – at 16 per cent ash and 1 per cent sulphur. 
It follows a recent move by the authorities in China to force power utilities to slow coal imports, with the aim of improving air quality. “Those restrictions affect 100 per cent of Australian thermal coal exports,” which have a high ash content, said Mr Kendall. 
However, he said “it won’t be difficult for producers to meet the cut-off”. They will just have to wash the coal, which could increase the cost of production. 
 “The risk for Australian producers is that Chinese importers turn more to Indonesia rather than higher-price, higher-quality Australian coal,” he said.

Oh never mind then, carry on, it's coal, coal, washed, decreased profits, rivals empowered coal for Australia ...

So how's the rest of the government's splendid energy policies going?

Well thank the long absent lord jolly Joe is on hand:

(and the rest, with links,  here)

It's just an aesthetic view? It's just a fucking aesthetic view?

Energy policies are going to be based on fucking aesthetics? Where does that leave Morwell? Or the Hunter Valley? (And a shout out to the pond's Morwell-loving extended family).

Well you have to admire Miles George's slap-down:

As I understand it, Mr Hockey, poor people don't drive cars so they wouldn't see that wind farm anyway.

But it finally dawned on the pond what jolly Joe's real interests are.

He's not a treasurer - everything he's done is a testament to that. He's more a Regency fop, or if not of that era, then a fin de siècle art nouveau Aubrey Beardsley and Oscar Wilde type, with a fondness for green carnations, and nothing wrong with that.


Pity they didn't dress in the cigar, but you know it's there, an aesthetically pleasing smoke that might fuck up your lungs, but hey, coal is also a sublimely aesthetic experience ... just ask the Chinese in Beijing stuck in a decent inversion or the citizens of Morwell ...

But watch out if jolly Joe asks you into the office to look at his collection of grotesque, decadent and erotic Japanese woodcuts.

What else, as the pond falls prey to mid-week hysteria ...

Well it seems Chris Kenny imagines he's turned into a fearless scooper, instead of carrying on as a blow-hard, hard line right wing feral ratbag chattering class commentator (and never mind any conflation and confusion of roles). Yes like every other reptile he's scored an EXCLUSIVE:

Now the pond couldn't be bothered reading, or linking to the story, but it did provoke an idle thought.

In the pond's KPI days, there was always a board to hand to give the CEO a decent review and a head kicking as required.

Who will do the same for Tony Abbott?

On the evidence to hand, he's the weakest link, blighting every area he touches, ducking and weaving and shifting the blame to others, and always trying to avoid the buck landing in his kitchen. Lately he's taken to heading OS or into the deep north, anywhere he can stage a photo op and pose as a statesman, without actually doing anything useful or sensible, except bunging on a war at a half a billion or so a year ...

Say what? What budget emergency was that? Well nothing to get in the way of a bit of war mongering and fear mongering ...

Will Abbott have a stern Abbott to Abbott conversation about his poor performance? Will he shake himself up? Or will he head off to the GG for an assessment? Could the Queen get involved?

It'll probably stay one of life's deeper mysteries, but the pond doesn't mind, because it's a sure sign that Abbott's government is now as barking mad as former Chairman Ruddster's was...

Does Abbott have the first clue as to time management, and the peculiar folly of the symbolism in which he's indulging, which will apparently see him fly out on Thursday to farewell personnel headed for combat operations and then fly back on Friday to honour the pledge to stay the week, except he's not staying the week, he's flying out and flying back? (well that's what it says in Tony Abbott leaves East Arnhem Land early ...)

Busy looking busy and not the first clue as to the point of being busy.

It's that sort of faux symbolism and managerial ineptness that symbolised the sublime folly of the Ruddster ...

There was just one forlorn comment at the time the pond visited the story:

This visit was never more than a shallow photo opportunity for Abbott. It's time to abandon the tent embassy, and I bet the Aboriginal people will hardly know he is gone.

How will the Queen deal with this when she comes to do the KPI?

Never mind. On another matter, it seems that Burkey has found safe haven amongst the reptiles and not to worry that Foxtel and its outrageous monopoly has done more to encourage piracy in this country than any other single force for evil:

Actually it's the owners and the distributors that have the ability and obligation to encourage proper use of their product, by offering the product in a time sensitive and economical way, instead of exercising monopolistic rights, jacking up prices and otherwise seeking to exploit the punters in the Australian market.

What has Hollywood done to embrace the internet supply of product, backed by decent pricing? How is it that Netflix can have an estimated 200,000 subscribers or more, though the service is subject to region blocking? (Hollywood Reporter, here)

How is it that you can head off to a website called Netflix Australia - You can easily get it right now (not used or approved by the pond).

How soon before the dinosaurs get it and do something sensible about the mess they're in, instead of blaming ISPs and consumers?

That's led the pond to make a solemn promise:

Never mind the sexism. As a first step, this very day the pond promises to download a Village show and to actually watch it.

This will involve considerable pain and courage and angst on the pond's part. What little the pond has seen of of Warners-Village product has convinced the pond that the bulk of it is fairy floss crap, as substantial and as useful as an overdose of sugar, salt, fat, oil and flour, which instead of doing no harm, actually warps minds and ruins lives and leaves rancid memories which need to be expunged, but alas the pond's mind isn't as easily fixed as rebuilding the hard drive...

Burkey, it has to be said, is an old man, and clearly doesn't understand the new world order, or VPNs, or all that stuff, and thinks that railing at ISPs will fix his business model, but he doesn't have a clue. And so the pond will have to devote at least a couple of hours of its life to the destruction of Hollywood/Melbourne greed and cruelty ...

And so, before Roadshow results in a mind wipe, back to one last KPI issue.

The pond recommends remembering this lizard Oz splash the first time that the ISIS fighters duck across the border into Syria for refuge, and the US decides that they either need to put boots on ground or take military action in Syria ...

So many stupid people saying stupid things.

And while we're at it, perhaps the Queen should add this question to the KPI assessment ...

(Below: and so to David Pope, and more Pope here, and yet another KPI issue).


  1. Dot you are correct. Joe Hockey is a fop. He is indeed. How amusing is that thought. Maybe we can reimagine some others in alternative roles? I now of Abbott as a butler. He opens doors, is obsequious and wears a uniform, speaking of which, have you all noticed that Abbott has been wearing grey-day blue shirts in Arnhem Land. I am glad he is leaving the north because I could not stand another ABC live cross to The Tent. Back to other jobs for MPs .... Malcolm would be something big in car yards or real estate, Julie Bishop would run a private girls's school, Warren Trusssszzzzzzz would be a farmer. Oh is he that already?

  2. Eek a misplaced apostrophe has insinuated itself: girls' school.

  3. where did Hockey get the band fitted .. he seems to be bariatric brained...

  4. HI Dorothy
    I observed you have that editor at large image on this piece. I happened upon 774 this morning and Jon Faine had Mr Kelly making observation about the ALP and its demise because of Julia Gillard still having to answer question from her past.
    Could someone anyone tell me why we are subjected to the opinions of critters from Murdoch giving their opinion of politics on our ABC so they can sell a book and to add insult to injury they were accompanied by a scatter brain by the name of Sally Wharhart not sure of the spelling but I am sure that is close enough. Jon Faine was lamenting how short of talented people available to pursue a career in politics.
    There is so much to be said about how poorly we are served by the idiots employed at the ABC and Murdochracy so perhaps we should start a campaign to get rid of a few of them.

    1. Glad you raised the manner Anon. I heard that interview too and I was struck by Kelly's response. News Ltd and assorted others will never be satisfied. They do not accept that Gillard answered questions directly because they did not like the answers.

      I was also struck by the tedium of the discussion. All parties contributed in such a predictable way. But to confine myself to Kelly, I found it particularly yawn inducing that he banged out the 'whither goest' the ALP line. Hasn't he realized that that could be applied to the Coalition as well. It is not because they have the shield of govt.

      Kelly and other MSM commentators do not realize that the old two-party system with the certainties of the rusted-on divide is no longer what it was. Both have lost their traditional base and both have very little power over anything much any more.

      The only time I pricked up my ears was when Kelly started off by recognizing that there were problems with our political system and that there was increasing disparity with voters' expectations throughout Australia. But the discussion ended up with the same old 'whither goest the ALP' stuff.

      In any case I would have thought that the concerns of voters in Townsville and Turramurra would never have lined up exactly and that would have been the same throughout the land. Despite differences though the wide brown land would have been united by the shared public ownership of nation building utilities and essential services. Those days have gone or are on the way out. What is left to bind us? Football? War? Kylie?

    2. Now, now. The pond is always kind to Paul Kelly, lest comments be confused with the honourable singer.

      Just because Kelly is a tedious, boring, senile old fart of the most pompous self-important tedious blowhard humbugging kind, there's no reason to be abusive ...

  5. P. D. Q. WoehouseSep 17, 2014, 8:44:00 PM

    Oh God. Hockey and Abbott as Jeeves and Wooster. It's so true...

    1. And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.”

      There are moments, Jeeves, when one asks oneself, 'Do trousers matter?'"
      "The mood will pass, sir.”

      “At the age of eleven or thereabouts women acquire a poise and an ability to handle difficult situations which a man, if he is lucky, manages to achieve somewhere in the later seventies.”

      And so on. Love your work Mr Woehouse, pity about that radio interview ...

  6. My God. Abbot approves of the medical use of cannabis!

    "Wow! Look at that little war over there! I'll just pop up to Arnhem and hang with the abos. Look, a lovely little ant! Have you got any twisties little ant? I'm hungry"


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