Sunday, May 12, 2013

It's easy, just get back on the horse and try again ...

Okay, the absolute only reason for this post is to celebrate this little graphic early morning readers of the Daily/Sunday Terror copped when trying to access their Sunday dose of Miranda the Devine, Tim "Bleaggh 2003" Blair, and Piers 'Akker Dakker' Akerman ...

Think how much simpler life would be if that was all you ever copped, on a quiet foggy Sunday morning ...

All the clamour and the shouting and the faux indignation and the rabid ratbaggery turned to the tranquility of a Zen Buddhist garden, the timeless clock suggesting time and yet concealing time, a bit like the gateless gate ...

A refreshed site? With a bunch of stale ratbag ravers? That'll take a lot of refreshing ...

But let's not let the opportunity go to waste.

You see all foggy Sydney is agog with excitement at the ongoing More Joyous saga.

There's never been so much Joy in the air, and Mike Carlton, for one, yesterday made a meal of it, by proposing all sorts of casting solutions in Lights, camera, action: More Joyous trots on set.

A few of them were cruel - such as proposing the beguiling Miranda Kerr as Tom "Luscious Lips" Waterhouse, when surely the obvious package would feature Angelina Jolie ...

But a few were spot-on, what with Ray Hadley assigned to play the horse ...

What do you see? You see an asshead of your own, do you?

I must to the barber's, monsieur; for methinks I am marvellous hairy about the face; and I am such a tender ass, if my hair do but tickle me, I must scratch.

Apologies to Bottom, Hadley's not up to his assiness.

But meanwhile, Carlton had great fun getting the script together:

The script is writing itself. In Gai's words, Singo is a foul-mouthed old drunk. He says she's stroppy. She thinks the whole ghastly affair was ''Chinese whispers … a conversation between a trumped-up little jockey, a brothel owner and a football player''. Much aggrieved, Singo rounds on the football player - his mate the ''Immortal'' Andrew Johns - and cries: ''Geez! How can you be so strong on the field and so weak off it?''

And so on.

Speaking of Singo, the good news - no, the great news - is that Fairfax has an exclusive from the horse's mouth (no joke intended, just a homage to the great Gulley Jimson):

Yes, you too can read It's time to set the record straight, which Singo begins by sagely observing that More Joyous cannot speak for itself. So he must speak for it.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course
And no one can talk to a horse of course
That is, of course, unless the horse is spoken for
By the famous Mr Singo

Go right to the source and ask the horse
Singo will give you the answer that you'll endorse
He's always on a steady course.
Just read Mr Singo

People yakkity yak a streak and waste your time of day
But Singo will never speak
Unless he has something to say ...

And so on and so forth, and you can listen to Singo talk until his voice is hoarse - what, you've never heard Singo set down the thoughts of a hoarse horse that can't speak for itself?

Never mind, what results is a fine piece, a most excellent read, in which all the parties are given labels. There's the trainer, the owner, the ratings adviser, the racing manager, the vets, the former jockey, the famous former rugby league player, the trainer's bookmaker son, the jockey, and the broadcasters ...

Along the way questions are asked and statements are put...

22.The owner advises the trainer this is the same circumstance as the Cox Plate. If the horse doesn't do well, the owner will take balance of his horses from the trainer's stables. The conflicts between the trainer saying it will win and her bookmaker son saying it will just lose is untenable.

But the real curiosity? Well throughout names are deleted and functions used as descriptors, except for one:

23.The owner and Gerry Harvey (a notorious non-attender of racing) have agreed to be miked up by TVN for light-hearted banter as Gerry Harvey has paid $25 million for All Too Hard, who is rated the best chance to beat More Joyous. However TVN does not mike them up and it is only because of the commitment to TVN that the owner and Gerry Harvey are in the mounting yard.

How come Gerry Harvey cops a mention by name? Surely he could have been referred to as the owner of the hardly normal retail empire?

And there's another curiosity. There's absolutely no mention of the brothel-owner, just talk of close associates ...

Which surely ruins some of the fun for Sydney-siders.

Anyhoo, the circus will resume this week and the fun will feature Eddie Hayson, who along with Andrew Johns and Allan Robinson have agreed to front the inquiry (Hayson agrees to front More Joyous inquiry) and the stewards can make what they will of Singo gazumping matters by setting down his record of how events unfolded ...

Oh and if you want to catchup on Eddie Hayson in the meantime, why not have a read of Creditors close in on besieged punter and brothel owner ...

In August last year bookmaker Tom Waterhouse had receivers appointed to Hayson Bloodstock over a $3.36 million gambling debt. Mr Waterhouse also has caveats over Mr Hayson's brothel and his Dural property, to protect his claim. 

What's that you say? A bookie with a caveat on a brothel? And the Hat talking tough?

Apart from Mr Hayson's regular appearances at racing inquiries, he is close to a number of sporting figures, including football players and jockeys who are known to frequent his Camperdown brothel. Racing NSW chief steward Ray Murrihy has warned a number of Sydney jockeys about frequenting Mr Hayson's establishment. ''Let's just say that it is not in the interests of racing to have jockeys associating with a major punter at a venue that may be a brothel,'' Mr Murrihy has said. 

The interests of racing?

Forget it Jake, it's Sydney town.

So who needs the Daily or the Sunday Terror?

The thoughts of ratbag Devine, Blair, Akerman, and the Pellists going around one more time in fatuous circles?

Plodders that can't even get their necks down to graze on the most succulent grass and today doing yet another Helen Lovejoy routine ...

Yes, stick up for our kids and the interests of racing and the Nine network and problem gamblers and  horses sent off to the knackery and Tony Abbott grand-standing about it, as if he and his network and business mates are part of the solution rather than part of the problem ...

Forget it Jake, it's Sydney town ...


  1. The song I was more joyously reminded of:

    Oh, the Owner told Clarence the clocker
    The clocker told jockey McGee
    The jockey, of course, passed it on to the horse
    And the horse told me

    And Bing crooning of course.

    Regards, LaurieB

  2. Most excellent choice LaurieB and a favourite of my father's, for some reason he loved Bing (and Bob and Dorothy to death) though the last few verses are inclined to the poignant:

    Tomorrow I'll bet just for kicks that I'll get
    What's gold is just ol' yeller lead
    I can lose with a grin, if the horse don't come in
    I'll just blow a big hole in my head

    Oh, the Owner told Clarence the clocker
    The clocker told jockey McGee
    The jockey, of course, passed it on to the horse
    And the horse told me

    I had put down a deuce on a tip that got loose
    This horse in the paddock looked stunning
    I had overheard talk he could win in a walk
    And he could, but the others were runnin'


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