For weeks now, the pond has been waiting for generally grumpy Paul Sheehan to turn his attention towards the strange alliance of Pastor Danny and Lord Monckton (remember Screaming Lord Sutch before you complain about the honorary title).
After all, Sheehan was in the vanguard of publicists and promoters of his Lordship, most notably with the epic Ten anti-anti-commandments and Lord Monckton's verbal bombs. Though some might also offer up Facts conveniently brushed over by the global warming fanatics, or Ten debates the greens didn't want to have.
Inevitably week after week, the pond has been disappointed, which says a lot about the delusional state of mind of the pond.
In Tamworth, after a munch on the grass, it was expected that a dog would return to its vomit, but Sheehan never returns, never looks back. He's all Buzz Lightyear and "no retreat, no surrender".
Magic water? No retreat, no surrender. (But an honourable mention by the Possum in Paul Sheehan and the magic water debacle).
It's important to remember this modus operandi whenever you come across any Sheehan column, because his methodology is simple. It's basically old testament, old-style thundering prophet of doom and gloom.
After the doom and the gloom, and the darkness and the catastrophe, then, perhaps only in the distance, on the horizon, there's a glimmer of light, a hope, a saviour to lead us to salvation ... perhaps Lord Monckton, perhaps Tony Abbott, whichever saviour's the flavour of the month.
You see, it's important to remember that Sheehan has the intellectual rigour and consistency of a damp sponge trapped on the sea floor and blowing which ever way the current is running, and there's a first class example on view in today's digital rag, We'll reap what we deserve.
Even the header gets the prophetic apocalyptic tone right, it being a reference to Galatians 6:7 - Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.
This is of course nonsense because Sheehan sowed his Monckton column, and so far he and we have reaped nothing except silly distortions and misinformation. Oh wait ...
Silly pond. As Proverbs 26:11 has it, as a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly.
So here we are, nothing to do with Tamworth, but with the pond returning to yet another dire Paul Sheehan column.
Yes indeed, yea verily, 2 Peter 2:22, What the true proverb says has happened to them: "The dog returns to its own vomit, and the sow, after washing herself, returns to wallow in the mire." (we thought we'd give the ESV version a run, see how it feels under the hood).
Okay, to turn to today's text at last:
The issue that dwarfs all others is the fundamental soundness of the eastern food basin, where 40 per cent of Australia's food is grown. That food basin is no longer fundamentally sound. It is stressed, though still sound, but not fundamentally sound.
Should have been quoting Chance the Gardener.
It's still sound, but not fundamentally sound?
What a ripper.
So here's the rest of the Sheehan methodology. Cluck and sound the alarums about mining and coal seam gas, like the very best Greenie. Explain how southern Australia is on the verge of ruination and damnation.
You might think the next logical step would be to explain how to preserve the environment, how important it is to maintain control over said mining and coal seam gas extraction, how government should assist in the treasuring and preserving of the agricultural lands of the south.
After all it's stressed, but sound, and might even be made fundamentally sound, if it wasn't stressed.
No, the next step is to rant about how Cubbie station has been sold to the Chinese, and blame it all on the Queenslanders.
It should have been bought by government and shut down, it's all the fault of Peter Beattie and Bob Carr.
But hang on, hang on, Cubbie is an epic example of what we might do to the north. Build up big agricultural endeavours ...
Sorry, clearly you're not getting the picture.
Cubbie, which is in the north, is a classic example of how the north has ruined the south
It evokes the essence of a land ruined by water and soil depletion ...
Yes, we're in a wilderness, a landscape rapidly approaching its end point, a future which makes Mad Max's vision seem like kindergarten.
Is there any solution, any solution at all, crieth the prophet in the wilderness?
I recently reminded Carr of his Cubbie project when he launched a new book by Michael Mobbs, the owner of a famous sustainable house in Chippendale.
The book, Sustainable Food, addresses what people should do to buttress themselves against any future food price shock.
He recommends a return to backyard vegetable gardens and communal street gardens like the ones he has been successfully operating in his home and along his street, Myrtle Street, Chippendale. ''Why is it important to farm in the city?'' he asks. ''Because soon we may have no choice.'' That may seem unduly bleak ...
Seem unduly bleak? No it doesn't, it seems unduly Sheehan.
Here's the prophet, explaining how things are so dire that the pond must now convert the front and back yards to a veggie garden, and perhaps have a dribble of meat every first day of the month.
Of course it's a nice idea, but is the merchant banker down the road going to join the pond in the communal garden idea? What about that tragic attempt by some neighbours up the road that drowned in indifference, and cat and dog piss?
Can Paul Sheehan mention how many hours he spends in his own garden and how much he's cut off his veggie shopping bill?
Sounds like hard work.
Easier to write a column about it.
No, what we need is a prophet who will lead us out of this wilderness. What we need is an explanation of how we should ruin the north in the way we've ruined the south:
...but Australia is going to have to do something about expanding its food production capacity, because too much reliance has been put on a system under too much stress.
Oh you can see where this is heading, you can feel that Sheldon bazinga rushing to the surface like a gusher:
This gives the Coalition's idea of creating a new food bowl in northern Australia a new perspective, because at the rate NSW and Queensland are going, more food will have to be imported from overseas as domestic supplies become both more scarce and more expensive.
If all this does not become an election issue, we will reap what we deserve.
Yes, the whole piece, the entirety, is dedicated without thought and without consideration and without intelligence to consigning the south of Australia to mining and fracking and to becoming an existentially doomed wilderness, incapable of growing food, incapable of anything but sheltering survivalists surviving, living on dollops of food delivered from the north.
We must give up the south as a bad job, ruined by unthinking careless humanity and head north.
Or we're all doomed. And don't worry if you're trampled on by unthinking, careless humanity rushing north to cash in on the latest government boondoggle.
Vote Tony Abbott, Bob Katter, agrarian socialism - but only for the north - or we're all doomed.
Now sensible people might attempt to argue with Sheehan, but any attempt is futile. Try arguing with the average biblical prophet.
Those who see but see not and hear but hear not are incapable of understanding or thinking through the logic of their argument. (we just wanted to work in the near biblical there are none so blind as those who cannot see)
What Sheehan does here is mount a classic series of Green-like arguments, while routinely dissing the greens in his Monckton mood, and then randomly proposing the only solution to his prophet-like predictions of doom is to join the fearless leader in the long march north ...
Yes one day the polar bears are growing and frolicking in the wilderness when Sheehan's in his Monckton mood, and the next day, southern Australia lies in ruin, with only home gardens and the north between it and starvation.
The bonus good news? Currently there is no mining in the north, and by golly if we chop down all the rain forests, why we can have an amazing, almost Amazonian, set of crops.
Take it away Ephesians 4:29-32
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear ... (or should that be to those who fear?)
And you paid money for the hard copy pleasure, to learn what is bleeding obvious each time he scribbles, which is that Sheehan is a loon, right out there and up there with Bob Katter and Barnaby -'Barners' to his Tamworth mates - Joyce ...
In your dreams, here endeth the lesson, but for this week only, because next week there will be another bout of incoherent rambling, illogical, inconsistent, but above all, always fearful ...