Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Double prams, the musical ...

(Above: sheesh, how out of touch, how out of date. Stand by for the brand new musical down under, The Age of the Double Pram).


Some readers might like to sing along with this song (oh okay oldies, if you don't know another tune, use the music for the Age of Aquarius):

... with an ageing population 
and an entitlement system that has seen 
extraordinary largesse 
built up over the last 50 years, 
Western communities
(the need for double prams excluded)
Western societies are going to have to make 
some very hard and unpopular decisions to wind back 
the involvement of the state in people's lives ...
the age of entitlement is coming to an end 
(this is the dawning of the age of negativity)
because governments are running out of money 
and the debt is now crippling governments. 
 TONY JONES: If - let's bring this to Australia 
straightaway. 
If the age of entitlement is over, 
which entitlements 
would you like to see reduced 
or gotten rid of? 
 JOE HOCKEY: Well, we need to be ever-vigilant. 
(this is the dawning of the age of negativity)
We need to compare ourselves 
with our Asian neighbours 
where the entitlements programs 
of the state 
are far less 
than they are in Australia. (Joe Hockey singing his song on Lateline here - a rich baritone is preferred for this role).

The age of entitlement is over.
Eternal vigilance is required.
Let them live like Asian peasants,
and be over-joyed
with rice cake once a month.
Any questions?

"[often] one child is still in the cot 
when the other one comes along, 
one child is still in the pram 
when the second one comes along, 
so you actually need to get an extra cot 
or a double-sized pram".  (Perspective the first casualty of budget backlash, forced video at end of link)

Golly jolly Joe who let that singer into the show? Sing us some more:

...the opposition does not support "blanket cuts", 
(especially not baby blankets)
hinting it may not back cuts to the baby bonus 
and private health insurance rebates 
when legislation comes before parliament. 
 "The changes to the baby bonus 
are not means-tested changes, 
they're blanket changes, 
(and we love baby blankets)
so no matter how poor your household is 
there's going to be a reduction," he said. 
 "Frankly the suggestion this is about 
middle-class welfare is completely inaccurate." (here, paywall affected)

Sounding better Joe. More on song, more in tune.

Eternal vigilance
matched by
eternal concessions!

Who  is that discordant chappie singing against the melody line?

"I thought it was more of a pokies tax
and a Harvey Norman tax 
for a lot of young people 
and actually created an incentive 
for a lot of young people" 

Um are you being vigilant, eternally vigilant Tony Windsor? Are you trying to shame sleepy head Joe? Wake up Joe! Someone sing a Wiggles song.

Still every show needs a villain and who better than a gruff rural man from Tamworth region casting doubts on two prams for everyone?

Now how about a plaintive weeping widder woman? Oh okay if you insist Bob Katter, but you're only allowed one song in a rich northern country music whine:

"Those poor struggling little mothers, 
they can't get men to 
shoulder their responsibilities" 
"The struggle for them to 
try and survive, 
and they're bringing up 
the nation's future, 
is appalling."

Um Bob, that's the single mother's musical.

Now that's a song worth singing even if everyone in Labor can't hear it, but it's a different show.

We're working on Are You Experienced? Two prams says you are ....

You need a dog whistle
Or maybe a bugle
Or perhaps a foghorn (Abbott baby remark hits barren political ground).

So are you experienced.
Have you watched the sun rise
From the bottom of the sea?
Well I am ...

Let's see if it sounds like a convincing set of lyrics, sung from the gut of life, from the deepest wells of personal experience. Perhaps a tad Wagnerian:

Abbott sounded mildly surprised 

when he told Fairfax Radio 
he was most certainly not talking 
about Gillard. 
Or barrenness. 
'I was alluding to 
my own experience,'' 
he protested. 
He then went back through his family history
to explain that two of his daughters 
had been born 15 months apart 
and required a double pram. 
 ''If she [Gillard] wants to take offence, 
of course I'm sorry about that. 
And if she would like me to say sorry, 
I'm sorry," he said 

(chorus, repeat)
I'm sorry
So sorry
Oh I'm so sorry

with some decidedly child-like huff. 
Indeed Abbott the dad 
didn't sound particularly sorry. 
But when it comes to glib lines, 
perhaps Abbott the politician will listen 
to his own advice. 

(chorus variant)
I'm not so sorry
Not so sorry
Except that I'm sorry
I have to sound sorry

(Link as above with thanks to breaking news reporter Judith Ireland for such an excellent song. You'll get a head credit Judith)

The good news?

The pond sees a climactic set piece, a bit like that routine in Monty Python's The Meaning of Life which sees an abundance of children crawling everywhere while the hero sings a song that sums up everything:

The plain fact
Is that perverts, socialists, commies,
lefties, inner city elites, coffee drinkers
chardonnay sippers
unionists and Labor politicians
Know nothing of double prams
They lack experience
They don't know how to breed
And in a few generations
They will be bred out
Exterminated by natural selection
And their own indolent
inexperienced ineptness
And the future
At least for a thousand years
Will be populated by
Staunchly Catholic healthy Australian men
Experienced with double prams
At least for a thousand years
Or until the rapture strikes
And if the Chinese and the Indians
just stop breeding ...
How did they manage it
Without the help of the Pope ...
A thousand years
And a double pram for everyone.
Let's have no more talk of
Vote-buying or middle class welfare
For a thousand years
The double prammers will rule this fair earth
And have dominion over it ...

Now you won't find this musical playing in The Australian - there's not much coverage there - but happily if you listened to AM this morning, it's playing well in the domestic market, (Abbott gives birth to another faux pas), and it might well spread around the world.

We're on a winner Joe. Give us a coda:

Mr Hockey said 
the whole rhetoric was 
just pathetic: 
'If we're at the point now 
where we can't refer to the government 
and families in the same breath, 
surely the debate has got to an absurd point.'' 
He had had three children under five. 
''Anyone who had been through that experience 
would know that you have to have two cots, 
there are cost pressures associated 
with having children born close together.'' 

Western societies are going to have to make 
some very soft and popular decisions to maintain
the involvement of the state in people's lives ...
 the age of entitlement should never come to an end 
because governments can find the money somewhere
and never mind if debt cripples governments. 
There are cost pressures
For two prams
Two prams and two cots and two high chairs
For a thousand years
For a golden thousand years

What a ripper song Joe, and it means you've travelled a journey, so by the third act you've become an entirely different person. The audience can go on that journey with you, it's so emotionally engaging, and the ending is so up ... we luvs ya ...

Apologies to all. There must be something in the drinking water that's blind-sided the pond.

For a moment there we thought we had an incisive musical dealing with amazing social issues.

Sadly the pond isn't the only punter to drag Jimi Hendrix out of the cupboard this morning, dust off the traces of vomit on the lips, and set the musical tone:

If you can just get your mind together
then come across to me
We'll hold hands an' then we'll watch the sun rise 
from the bottom of the sea 
But first 
 Are You Experienced? 
Ah! Have you ever been experienced? 
Well, I have 
 I know, I know you'll probably scream n' cry 
That your little world won't let go 
But who in your measly little world are trying to prove that 
You're made out of gold and -a can't be sold 
 So-er, 
Are You Experienced? 
Ah! Have you ever been experienced? 
Well, I have Ah, 
let me prove it to you 
I think they're calling our names 
Maybe now you can't hear them, 
but you will if you just take hold of my hand 
Ah! But Are You Experienced? 
Have you ever been experienced? 
Not necessarily stoned, but beautiful

Sheesh, Jimi, that's a bit too mystical. They might be calling our names - at least the ones who are are experienced - but we need something a bit more up if we're going to storm New York.

Let's see, what else have we got?

Scene. A forlorn family home. Dad is explaining mill has closed, family is destitute, and by golly what a large family it is, double prams everywhere:

DAD: Blame the Catholic church for not letting me wear one of those little rubber things. Oh, they've done some wonderful things in their time. They preserved the might and majesty, the mystery of the Church of Rome, and the sanctity of the sacraments, the indivisible oneness of the Trinity, but if they'd let me wear one of those little rubber things on the end of my cock, we wouldn't be in the mess we are now. 
BOY: Couldn't Mummy have worn some sort of pessary?
DAD: Not if we're going to remain members of the fastest growing religion in the world, my boy. MUM: Ehhh, he's right. 
DAD: You see, we believe-- [piano music] Well, let me put it like this. [singing] 
There are Jews in the world. 
There are Buddhists. 
There are Hindus and Mormons, and then 
There are those that follow Mohammed, 
but I've never been one of them.  
I'm a Roman Catholic, 
And have been since before I was born, 
And the one thing they say about Catholics is: 
They'll take you as soon as you're warm. 
You don't have to be a six-footer. 
You don't have to have a great brain. 
You don't have to have any clothes on. You're 
A Catholic the moment Dad came, 
Because Every sperm is sacred. 
Every sperm is great.
 If a sperm is wasted, 
God gets quite irate.
And double prams are beautiful
Double cots are too ...

The only solution? Medical experiments!

Unless ...  unless ... dad and the kids move to Australia as ten pound Poms because over there, you can still find decent welfare and double prams and double cots for everyone ...

Now sing along, by golly it might just be a winner, we just need to take it off Broadway for a moment ...

Double prams are beautiful
Double cots are too ...
And double blankets are
Ever so warm
If you want to get experienced
In comfort ...

(Below: the illustrated version. The rest of the script here at least for the moment. Please be assured that any hint of sectarianism comes from those outrageous Pythons).



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