Monday, July 23, 2012

Pond readers alert, who do you trust, the Wiggles or Chairman Rupert?

(Above: you might consider this a promotional plug for coeliacs, but actually it's a plug for spreading yeast all over News Ltd).

The pond just had to know.

It wasn't enough to read Dick Smith's outraged outburst to Kim Williams, in lieu of Chairman Rupert Murdoch, and available here for your delectation in pdf form.

What was the deeper truth?

It may not be so serious if your boss, who has so much influence in Australia, was respected and trusted by most Australians. The opposite is, in fact, the case. Just recently he was voted as one of the least trusted. He was placed number 97 on the Readers Digest "Who Do We Trust 2012" list. Only an errant footballer and a foul-mouthed shock-jock were held in lower esteem by the Australian people. Of course, you made sure there was no mention in the Murdoch media of this as all of your journalists worldwide "self-censored" on this issue. Once again, what about your "freedom of the press" claims?

Errant footballer?

The pond's gots ta know, and it turns out that after Rupert Murdoch"businessman" at number 97, there's Brendan Fevola, "former AFL player", holding down number 98.

The foul-mouthed shock jock?

Yep, there at number 99 was Kyle Sandilands, "radio personality".

But it got better. Sure Chairman Rupert was down in the basement with the riff raff, but hell's bells, he couldn't even beat Nick D'Arcy home, as the king hitter held down the number 96 slot (please, no jokes about Australian television classics).

Now the pond would usually refer to the Reader's Digest about once a century, but Australia's Most Trusted People 2012 list is a hoot.

What on earth did Hugh Jackman do to score third place? And who on earth did Mary Donaldson, crown princess of Denmark, fuck to make it to fourth place?

You can see why Dick was pleased, because he came in at number five, ahead of Father Chris Riley, but please explain Maggie Beer at 13 and Rebecca Gibney at 14. Heck don't get the pond wrong, we loves 'Bec, she likes a red wine and she had the good sense to marry production designer Richard Bell, and move to Launceston, but never forget she's originally a New Zealander!

At least they put her ahead of The Wiggles, medieval torturers of children (do you ever wonder why you're sometimes full of murderous rage, haunted and tormented by childhood memories?), who lurk at 15, but what must Geoffrey Rush think scoring position 16? Not even as trusted as a Wiggle?

Did the public realise all that blather about Rach 3 being exceptionally tricky was just an excuse to score a fortune being a pirate in the Caribbean?

The pond could go on for hours - there's John Farnham at 20, followed by Jackman's squeeze at 21, and Cate at 22, and ye ancient cats and falling off ladders dogs, Molly Medrum at 23.

Sweet Jesus, is that Adam Hills at 30 and Kylie Mingoue at 32?

And it seems that Grigor Jordan doc didn't do Thorpie any harm, because there he is at 37. And he beats Patti Newton, who can only manage 40, way ahead of Gerry Harvey at 67 and Lindsay Fox at 68. It's left to Glenn Stevens to score the 69 position. Oh Glenn if only we'd known you were a swinger.

But it's the political fall out that finally compels. There's Kevin Rudd lurking at 74, and he's only a couple of positions behind Eddie McGuire, who has something to do with Collingwood, and therefore qualifies as a Satanist!

More astonishing the Ruddster, by hitting that grand position, trailing behind spivs, actors and deadbeats, earned the title of Australia's most trusted politician. This is trust? And just to crank the nausea screws, the Reader's Digest decided to quote the man:

“A fulfilled life is one which always gives to others. The unfulfilled life is one which only gives to yourself. This is the wisdom of the ages and … is so deeply enmeshed in our national soul [it’s] now part of our national DNA. We call it the fair go, and the most fulfilled of us are the ones out there in the business of giving. The most unfulfilled are those who are simply looking after me, myself and I.” Kevin Rudd, from a speech delivered on January 18, 2012 (here)

This from a man who plays politics with the rustic vigour of a Queenslander, sending his wife in to bat, blathering on to the Women's Weekly, seemingly unfulfilled as he goes about the business of looking after "me, myself and I" and his outrageously deluded ambitions.

Not to worry, back to the list so that we can marvel at Julian Assange scoring 75 and beating Malcolm Turnbull.

But it's a close run thing because big Mal fills 76, the second most trustworthy Aussie politician, and have we got an email scoop for you, while Campbell Newman takes 77. See, it pays to fuck over public servants and writers big time! Go Queenslanders ... to the dole office.

Amazingly Penny Wong takes 79 - didn't someone mention she's a dangerous lesbian who terrifies the Sydney Anglican Jensenists - while Joe Hockey at 80 trounces Bob Carr, who can only reach 81 by standing on the shoulders of Twiggy, who fills 82. By golly, Bob needs to chat a little longer with Mitt Romney about the ways the Kenyan socialist has ruined the country.

Amazingly Julie Bishop takes 84, while Tony Abbott can only hit 91, and Andrew Wilkie at 83 shows Gina Rinehart the door at 85.

Throw in Bob Katter at 87, even stevens with Alan Joyce at 87, and Barnaby Joyce at 89, and there's the sneaking suspicion that this list is comprehensively fucked. Sure the Wiggles beat the lot of them, but these days being in the Wiggles is like being caught in a revolving door.

Sweet Jesus, is that Clive Palmer claiming 92, while Wayne Swan can only manage 93, and Shane Warne at 94 trumps Julia Gillard at 95, and so we return to good old king hit Nick at 96?

Well Dick, it has to be said, and so the pond will say it.

Claiming in any way shape or form that this list represents the "esteem of the Australian people" as opposed to a disparate bunch of no hoper Reader's Digest readers is just not on.

The pond hasn't looked at the Reader's Digest since flicking through Laughter is the best medicine at an appointment with the dentist, and it's sad to say, there were no laughs, and be buggered if the dentist was the best medicine. Whenever the pond thinks of the Reader's Digest, it thinks of cardigans, and old Queenslanders murmuring "that Kevin he's such a nice lad, and a Christian too", and nothing's changed.

Now usually the pond would think of Dick Smith as a doofus, since he illustrates perfectly the wisdom of Samuel Johnson proposing that patriotism is the last refuge of the OzEmite scoundrel.

But at the same time the pond loves anyone who can stick it up Kim Williams, AM, a difficult task at the best of times, since Williams is so firmly up his own fundament on a 24/7 basis.

Never mind, what joy being a millionaire where you need never give a flying fuck, and so can talk truth to power, and deliver a few bon mots by the bucketload:

Of course, I would normally write this letter to your boss, Rupert Murdoch, directly. However, in his last letter to me of 1 June 2011, he showed how sensitive he was to any criticism by rejecting further communication. This was because he was offended by my criticism of the Daily Telegraph for its front-page attack of Cate Blanchett when she dared to support the carbon tax. Isn't it amazing - Rupert Murdoch tells people, "Climate change poses clear catastrophic risks" and claims he made News Limited carbon-neutral and he is treated like a hero by you and your colleagues, whereas Cate Blanchett is attacked so more papers could be sold and more profits made!

Let's leave aside that the pond is allergic to Cate Blanchett, who has done more to ruin good movies than the average run of working actors, and focus on the bigger charge.

Has Dick Smith only recently worked out that News Ltd is a direct equivalent for the good folk who built Machu Picchu?

It sometimes helps to have the long view, and to understand why, after the demise of the Sun King, all that was left was rubble.

There are any number of explanations of why the Incas built an amazing bunch of buildings at the top of the Andes:

Peruvian archaeologist Cock noted that unlike many cultures today, the Inca did not distinguish between church and state, so the notion that a site could serve dual purposes would not have been unusual.
"For the Incas, the two ideas were integrated," he said. "Anywhere the emperor lived was sacred, because he was sacred." (What Was Machu Picchu For?)

Of course at some point it comes about that the emperor, like the wench, ends up dead, and at that point everyone completely forgets the point of the original buildings, in the same way that some person of the future looking back will admire News Ltd.

Much as we can look back and wonder at Hearst Corporation in its prime. When the emperor lived, he was sacred, and never mind Orson Welles' cheap jokes about rosebuds ...

Not that the recent spate of resignations means there's any chance the world is showing the wolf the door, as noted by Michael Wolff in Rupert Murdoch: is this the beginning of the end? Far from it.

It'll take more than a few resignations and a letter from Dick Smith. Order in copious amounts of garlic, holy water, and large size wooden stakes.

And Kim Williams? He occupies the same space as the anonymous builders who erected and tended Machu Picchu for their emperor ...

Was it only last night that Media Watch remarked on the remarkable capacity of News Ltd to regurgitate the same error like an owl throwing up pellets of exoskeletons, indigestible plant matter, bones, fur feathers, bills, claws and outright stupidity?

Yep, there it is, in Let the misquoting commence, with "controversy" turned into "criticism", and the village gossips all aflutter as they shout at the great aunts on the verandahs, and is the wisteria starting to bloom yet, and is Kensington road still running straight before turning, and this snipe from Jonathan Holmes:

It's a trivial matter, you may think, but it illustrates a weightier point. News Ltd CEO Kim Williams was in Adelaide just ten days ago, celebrating the diversity of news now available even in what used to be a one newspaper town ...
But Kim, it's mot much use having a range of sources, if all they do is regurgitate each other's mistakes.

Indeed. Only matched, it turns out in the same show, by Alan Jones capacity to sound like a horse with his nose in a chaff bag of particularly foul hay ...

Oh yes, a sense of perspective is a wondrous thing, but of course when you're a hack under the hammer at News Ltd, a sense of perspective is the last thing you can imagine ...

In the meantime, daily crimes against humanity and truth are committed with impunity, and every so often someone dares to point out that the emperor has no clothes.

Smith might be an Ozemite gadfly, but by gad there's always room for gadflies, and sand flies, and biting midges (even if they're the same thing), and anything that deflates the pompous is a cause for celebration.

Rupert Murdoch a notch below Nick D'Arcy in the trustworthy stakes?

Kim Williams as a receptacle for abuse?

Is there any other joy to be had?

Well the Wiggles, "children's entertainers", back in 2006 made it to number nine on Australia's most trusted list. (here)

Now they've fallen to 15!

At last Australians are waking up to the gigantic Wiggles conspiracy, right up there with the Chairman Rupert conspiracy!

How strange to think of a warm glow emanating from the pond and embracing readers of the Reader's Digest ...

... if thou shalt indeed obey his voice, and do all that I speak; then I will be an enemy unto thine enemies, and an adversary unto thine adversaries. Exodus 23:22

Oops, Jensenism might be catching ...

(Below: the man on the left is more trustworthy than Rupert Murdoch, or so Australian readers of the Reader's Digest assert?
Is that because he isn't packing like his partner? He's only got a hand gun?)

1 comment:

  1. One of your best, DP, worth bottling. We may differ on our choice of black, smeary goo. Mine's Promite.


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